What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

" Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?"
Weirdly low bar but ok. Cheating is at best down there with those behaviours, which I also don't think people should tolerate in a marriage.

Sounds good for you but like anything, many people get bored.

Even if you drive a Ferrari everyday, you can still appreciate a Fiat Panda...

I don't think many will say they are blissfully happy unless they have a very high boredom threshold.

Monogamy works for some but not everyone.

I don't think affairs are always about sex at all

Do you both have regular STD tests?
Do your affair partners know that you are still shagging your DH and he is also shagging other people?

I think that's my biggest issue, morality aside. If there isn't honesty then you are putting people at risk.

Watch Ester Perel

Unhappy marriages

Watch 1 hr 23 min

LOL or maybe you’re well aware that your “belief” that your husband is also cheating on you is nothing more than a wishful justification for your own behaviour, and you don’t wish to raise it with him because the result will probably be you losing all those lovely benefits that typically accrue to monogamy.

But not enough to be honest with each other. Which makes it a betrayal.

Speaking as someone whose STBXH of many years had an affair, it’s the lies, deception, complete and utter betrayal of someone you are supposed to love and care about, plus the destruction of your children’s financial and emotional security.

My kids are doing well a year on, but only because I have (to my own detriment) constantly put them first and done everything in their best interests, and despite my best efforts they are still poorer financially and have uncertainty about the future that wouldn’t have been there had their father not betrayed all of us. He is a selfish, immoral shit who has let his mid-life crisis wreck our family and the family of the OW.

Most affairs are born from people trying to fill some sort of void in themselves. They’re rarely born from unhappy marriages.

Either way they’re abusive to the unaware partner. They remove their right to informed sexual consent and personal agency. They involve lying, manipulation and gaslighting.

In your case your argument is that both of you are having affairs so… no harm done.

Except your affair partners are possible in relationships, so there is an unaware victim being put at risk of STIs, their consent removed. Or they may be single and you’re both using people to self medicate some issue in yourselves.

Your need for validation and ego kibbles comes from somewhere. Instead of dealing with it, you’re passing pain on. There is always a victim often the children.

Thats entitled, selfish and lazy.

Boredom I guess? Not thinking past the short term gains? Deluding themselves that their husband is definitely up to the same thing and would 100% be ok with it if he knew? Some people live in their own little world and justify all sorts of things to themselves regardless of how it affects others.

I don’t think there is anything wrong when both people actually agree to it, that is an open relationship. I couldn’t handle it myself though.

Then you are fine. I would just have an open discussion with each other to make our open marriage official.
However, be careful because one of you may fall in love and leave the marriage. It’s usually the man who can’t control himself.

Exactly. If both partners are chill with shagging around then be honest with each other and call it an open marriage. You also need to both be honest about the arrangement with all your sexual partners so they can make informed decisions about contraception and STD tests.

It's not really a partnership if there's no honesty.

That doesn't mean you have to share a blow job by blow job account with your DH, but at least have that basic honesty out there that this is an open marriage.

"I’m pretty sure my DH is the same." What makes you so sure he's doing the same? Evidence?

"Some people are viscerally angry" because they're the party who has been betrayed by someone they love and thought they could trust. Do you really need this explaining to you? Just because "20% of married people have been unfaithful" doesn't make it right. There's no 'safety in numbers' argument here.

FWIW, I think extra-marital sex doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage or partnership, but as others have said, this has to be an OPEN, HONEST AGREEMENT between the spouses or partners, not one having their cake and eating it while the other knows nothing about it.

I'm happy that this is working for you, but I'd be a lot happier if I knew this unspoken arrangement was genuine and working for your husband too because I'm concerned that you're excusing your infidelity by asserting your husband is doing the same, without providing any evidence of that.

"... your husband is probably also having affairs so works well." Where's the evidence for this? Because she's "pretty sure" he is? Well, she'd want to believe/say that because it lets her off the hook if they're both doing it, but we have zero evidence her husband is also being unfaithful.

Exactly this.

If you are both on the same page then you aren't having an affair you are in an open marriage but you have the rule you just don't discuss other partners with each other.
Not really the same thing as someone cheating knowing their partner would be very hurt and leave if they found out.

My mother married at 20 and had three kids by 26. By her late thirties she was an entirely different person to the girl who had married her first love, my handsome dad.

My mum had an affair with my dad's best friend. Yip. And somehow they all managed to not actually come to blows or open arguments. My parents separated and my dad moved out.

My mum stayed with my step dad for more than double the length of time she was married to my dad. They separated a few years ago but on decent terms and my mum is happily single in her late 70s.

My dad met my step mother shortly after separating from my mum. They married and are still together. My dad is her full time carer now as she has dementia. They love each other so very deeply.

Obviously my mum should have separated from my dad before having a relationship with my step dad, but she didn't. I don't judge her for it.

I laugh on here when people imply that those having affairs are selfish, shallow, sex obsessed narcissists. My mum has had two relationships in her entire life. All four of my parents are great friends with each other and my mum helps my dad with his caring responsibilities. Ok, they're old hippies and not exactly typical but they illustrate that one size doesn't fit all.

No, we only have her word for it that this is a "quasi-open" marriage because she's "pretty sure" her DH is also being unfaithful, but she has provided no evidence for this whatsoever.

What do your kids feel about this Op? Are they oblivious or do they know both parents are cheating and you're oblivious?

My experience of this is a mother who constantly cheated on my dad throughout my childhood and beyond. She entertained men at home when we were there and my dad was at work. I found it utterly traumatising as a child. I can remember one of them calling the house every day. I hated picking up the phone and having to hand it over to my mother knowing what she was doing. I had no choice.

Everytime she got caught out the consequences for us were dire. We were uprooted from our school and home and moved to a new location, only for it to start again. We were in the room when she had sex with one of my uncles. She probably thought we wouldn't remember. We did. None of us fulfilled our potential at school because of the constant upheavals.

I would be very careful being lyrical about your wonderful marriage despite the adulteries. Your kids may see it differently. Three marriages later, all three of her children are now NC with my mother. I view her as a selfish, promiscuous piece of work. She probably thought she was entitled to a bit of fun.

Probably the hurt it causes OP

What a stupid question

Yes, I believe this is the real situation too.

@AngelicKaty because the OP said he is, which is also the reason you are typing on her post, because of what she says.

As a product of a unfaithful marriage I can tell you that you may be all giddy about the amount of cock you get and your husband may be salivating at the amount of fanny he gets but if you think your kids will have any respect for either of you then you really are deluded.

Im assuming you have been lucky so far that no ones wife has come gunning for you? Or is that part of the thrill/power play/fanny flutters that you experience being involved with another woman's husband? You sound very insecure and I cant help but feel a bit bad for you.

However, I do really hope that your husband is cheating on you regularly too, because if he’s not then he's going to be in for one hell of fucking shock.