My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

You sound prickly and very difficult to get along with. Your marriage won't last long unless you climb off your high horse and try to repair the damage you've done.

I agree with posters that Op is not coming across well.

However the family were mistrustful based on the actions of another person & nothing that Op had done!

How would that make anyone feel?

Blimey. Your poor husband, and his family.

It certainly sounds like your husband has absolutely terrible taste in women. That seems to be the real crux of the matter.

Put yourselves in their shoes. He’s already had one failed marriage then marries you shortly after meeting. You won’t answer any normal getting to know you type stuff, then you block them. Who comes off as the problem here?

You need to take a deep breath and reframe this

Their initial questions and skepticism were nothing personal against you

Their family member had been scammed and hurt previously, so they were right to feel nervous and want to protect him
They did not know you, and were not suspicious of you personally, just the situation

You need to acknowledge they did this out of love for him, and that since then, they have tried to get to know you and you have blanked them

What were the questions you found unacceptable and we can tell you if they are just common questions in UK families?
Can you give any examples of the racist comments?

Honestly, if you want to stay married, you need to give his family a chance

You have friends, so have the ability to be sociable. Please stop thinking everything needs to be so rigid and 'black & white'

If you really love your husband then try to be a little bit flexible for his sake. It's going to be a miserable life and marriage when you cannot share any time with extended family together

If after this they do anything specifically nasty or racist in the future, then absolutely call them out and don't see them, but don't rule out all family relationships forever

Perhaps you need to see a doctor or a marriage guidance counsellor. This is NOT normal!

They may have upset you in the past but surely you can understand why. Not everyone loves their in-laws and unless they are absolutely toxic - not just asking about your life -which is quite normal in most households then does it really hurt to occasionally visit even if you are 'counting down the hours' until you get home. Please go to the wedding.

I very much doubt the OP will be back? They have been evasive about a lot of questions, so I think this is a wind up thread.
If my In Laws hadn't asked me about family & other personal stuff I would have felt insulted.

YABU

What sort of questions are they asking?

I and my kids inlaws have met. We know about the various children/jobs/ages etc.

Are they any different?

You haven't given them the chance to get to know you as you're so defensive

Are you planning a family?

How will that work?

Has your husband met your family?

It’s not personal to ask about family. It’s showing an interest. Ordinarily they might have had an opportunity to meet your family and get to know them. My parents and in-laws met when we got engaged, at our wedding and at the christenings of our children. They aren’t friends. They don’t live near each other, but they have got to know one another well enough to send Christmas cards. Sharing a bit about your family might give them a chance to feel included in your life.

@nadia11 as women we are taught to be people pleasers. This can result in a lack of boundaries. Your husband’s family have been appalling towards you, possibly racist.
You don’t have to have a relationship with them just because they have now decided that’s what they want. As a British person asking about family is seen as polite, but I do know that in other cultures it is seen as quite intrusive. Cultural differences should be respected.

In all fairness OP you can't expect support from posters here when the only thing your husbands family have done is try to get to know you better and you have refused to let them in.

If you really think about it the fact their son has a history of a relationship with a woman who took advantage of him their need to find out if you are genuine is totally understandable. If I was you I would go out of my way to reassure them I wasn't in the relationship for the same reasons as his previous partner. If after trying all this you find you still feel unwelcome then staying away would be justified.

First things first, parents in law were out of order for tarring you with the same brush as wife no 1 and more so if they were rude about it. That being said, I can see how they might have concerns if their son presented you as a foreign national and you had a whirlwind romance before marrying. However if they have apologised and seem to have a genuine interest in having a relationship with you, then I think you need to cut them some slack. Also, asking about your family is totally normal including events you are going too. It's part of how you learn about someone and what's important to you eg your brother is getting married? How lovely? Are you going back home for it? That will be a lovely chance for you to catch up with family etc. All normal non intrusive questions in my opinion! For you to ban any questions about you at all, how realistically are they going to be able to cultivate a relationship with you? What if you have kids? Are they not going to be able to congratulate you on the birth and ask how you are? Are they not going to be able to go to school shows? Will your husband not be able to have both you and his parents in the one room for dinner to celebrate a promotion or big birthday? I'm all for cutting off toxic people but I think you might just be a wee bit premature in failing to give them a second chance. If they muck up again, then by all means go non contact but for the sake of your marriage, I think I would give it one more chance.

Sounds like you are the problem. And if you continue like this, you will be divorced before you know it.

You can’t blame your husbands family for asking questions about you’re commitment to the marriage considering his first marriage, they are coming from a kind place for his wellbeing as ultimately they would have been the ones to pick up the pieces.

By extension they are your family also, they are part of your husbands life, it’s quite sad and very unusual that you don’t want to participate is family life.

Asking questions about personal life etc… is frankly how people get to know each other.

That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ?

That doesn’t sound like a very trusting and honest basis for a marriage OP.
I can understand you maybe just wanting it to be “you and him and against the world” but in reality it doesn’t work like that, especially if you have children. Do you want to isolate them from aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents?

It’s natural for them to be protective of your husband. I wanted to know the background of the partners my DDs chose to marry.

Have you told your family about them?

You sound very aggressive and weird tbh.

Well if you cared about your husband you would try and make some sort of effort while it’s not too late. But it does sound as if his family is righr about you.

So why did you say she said ‘despite this’?

I stand by what I said.

You sound like a nightmare daughter in law in all honesty. Stay away, for their sakes.

This is what concerns me. Keeping secrets from your husband is not good.

I have an Indian SIL and a Chinese SIL. Both are happy to talk about their home country, family their childhood, siblings, parents. Everything is open in both families.

Oh the irony, when you are the toxic one. 😂