My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

You sound ridiculous.

Of course they may have been a little wary at the beginning, considering what their son went through! But honestly, asking questions about your family and life is just normal.

My husband is Norwegian and I'm British. Both of our families asked us all sorts of questions! His mother was really interested in the school system over here as she knew we'd be living in the UK for a good while. She wanted to know my background, my politics, all about my job. Lots of questions about my hobbies as they come from a rural part of Norway, and are very outdoorsy. Now she loves me and when we go over at Xmas we have a girls day out. I love it.

DH got a pretty similar drilling from my dad and siblings, and he was absolutely chilled out about it despite the fact he's quite a shy man.

If you're marrying someone from another country, it's totally normal to ask all of these questions. Apart from anything, it's bloody interesting hearing about how other people live. My dad kept badgering DH about food.

You're deliberately digging yourself a hole, OP, and you're either going to isolate your husband (which is abusive), or blow up your relationship.

I can’t get past “I’m even careful not to talk about my personal life to my husband“. Each to their own and all that, but you must know this is not a normal marriage.

Yes they agree that DH's family are all a bunch of racists. OP has yet to describe the racism she has been subjected to.

How have they been appalling to her? Nothing the OP has described they have said could be judged as appalling.

Where is the evidence that the family have been appalling to her? Give some examples

I really hope you're not a real therapist and its just a user name

Why did you marry him?
Do you love him? Do you think the marriage will last?

Their concerns were that OP wanted to marry her DH for citizenship. That was outrageously rude and nasty - not to mention OP already had a UK passport!

Wow. Just wow. I am speechless about your behaviour and since you dont take anything people say here into consideration no point to say anything.

It had already happened to their son before. They werent to know that OP has a UK passport until it came out, although quite frankly that is the least of their problems.

It’s very odd not to talk about your family. Are they trying to find out a bit about you? This is normal, I’m a bit amazed that they can’t speak to you about this.

OP why have you posted here, because you don’t seem to want to take on board any of the suggestions ? You seem to have made your mind up that because they were shitty to you initially (for shitty I read suspicious because of what happened with your DH’s first marriage - which is reasonable) that this is worthy of you cutting them out of your life permanently. I think this is going to cause insurmountable problems for you and your DH in the end, and unless you relent and give it a chance, your relationship is doomed.

I’m sorry OP but I think anyone would be wary of somebody from another country wanting to marry a UK citizen after a whirlwind 9 months - that certainly doesn’t make them racist, you’re saying that just to make yourself feel better.

Maybe they sensed your terrible attitude from the get go?

Your husband sure knows how to pick them, doesn't he? Here's hoping he stays single after your inevitable divorce.

Because she did say ‘despite this’. They questioned, despite this she showed them her passport. That doesn’t mean after.

Stand by it all you want. You were wrong and that poster pointed it out. You standing by your statement that was incorrect.

But I suspect you know that

Actually that’s wrong because the OP is French (Tahiti is part of France) so there was never an issue with residency in the first place, even wo her becoming a British citizen.

It sounds closer to racism to me (assuming the OP isn’t white, which a lot of people are too)

Sounds like the only toxic person here is you

I didnt know it was part of France but following Brexit, she would still have to apply for settled status if she is not a UK citizen.

Presumably the inlaws also didnt know it was part of France but its somewhat irrelevant given that OP sounds awful and as I said before her citizenship is the least of their worries.

Even if they made a mistake by worrying you were marrying their son for citizenship, they now understand you didn’t and are trying to make amends by being friendly to you.

Asking about your family is normal. It’s communicating that they’re interested in you and in the people you hold dear to you. It’s also communicating their interest in Tahiti, and their willingness to learn more about it. That’s completely normal. It’s your reaction that’s not normal.

They made a mistake, but an understandable mistake. Your family would do the same, I bet. What if you’d been living in Tahiti and a person originally from England married you without caring about you just to get residence there, then left you. What would your family think if another Englishman came along and wanted to marry you? I bet they’d be protective of you at first because of that previous experience.

Do you never make mistakes? People who make mistakes and then try to make amends for those mistakes aren’t toxic. They’re good people who’ve realised they were wrong and are trying to put things right.

You sound batshit. Your poor husband.

In our family it's the cooking which was a great Ice breaker. The men love the Indian spices, which can blow your head off so SIL offers milder dishes for woozies like me 😅

My Chinese SIL knows so much about plants and how to use them as well as teas for health. We've a lot to learn there.

Tahitian cuisine sounds lovely btw

"Traditional Polynesian and Tahitian Food Specialties | Tahiti Tourisme" https://www.tahititourisme.uk/discover/tahitian-culture/polynesian-cuisine/

I think it’s quite normal to be interested in your family, your family are their in laws after all? Just trying to understand what you don’t like about them asking, they might be trying to build a bond with you by getting to know you better.
i understand relationships with in laws can be difficult ( i have some difficulties myself) but if you don’t start off trying to be friendly then it really puts your husband right in the middle. Would you be ok with him avoiding your family?

None of us other than the OP have any idea how the in-laws phrased their initial concerns.

Theres a world of difference between accusing her of marrying him for a passport and asking politely citing his previous experience as to why they had a few concerns.

And did they demand to see her passport or did the OP show them voluntarily to allay their worries?

The bit where I think the OP is being absolutely ridiculous is them asking about her family being rude and intrusive and therefore an excuse to shut them out.

I hope you're not planning on having any children with your husband!

Hi op,

there is a difference of cultural reaction and also a different way to go about it.

I would simply say that it all depends of you wanting to stay married and how you feel about your husband being miserable 🤷🏼‍♀️

the way your message come across is that you don’t really care for both. But then, if you are private you can maybe make other feels that way when all you want is to protect yourself. They created damage.

2 years of marriage in a multicultural marriage is not much. You need to understand each other past your cultures and also reach out for each others joy.

As long as he asks you to come, fully knowing how you feel, he isn’t playing his husband role of protection so you can’t actually forgive and move on. If he supports your decision, you might compromise a bit and that would go a long way to keep your mariage.

Hope all goes well 🌺