My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

This is very true.

She doesn’t say ‘Despite this I showed them my poster’.

It seems clear to me that OP is saying they’re suspicious of her despite that she has showed them her British passport.

Your relationship is still in the early stages. You've not even known each other for 3 years yet. He is only just starting to see your true colours.

If you carry on like this, do you think your marriage will survive?

Yes, despite their questions she showed them her passport.

it doesn’t say their suspicions carried on AFTER she showed them her passport. Which is what you said. And a poster pointed that’s not what was said.

But you doubled down.

It really isn’t. If I met you and you said you were from Tahiti I’d probably ask if you still had family there, how often you get to see them etc. It’s called being polite and taking an interest in someone. If you were my DIL, I’d expect to know all about your family and want you to know all about mine.

@nadia11 you are not coming across well at all. You sound very hostile, arrogant and rude. You are making extremely strong accusations and not supporting them at all.

Can you provide some examples of behaviour or words they have used that are racist? (All you have referred to is them being rightly cautious about a partner who is not from the UK and very quick marriage. This is NOT racist)

Can you give some examples of these “personal questions” that you feel are deeply inappropriate?

By answering these questions, people may be able to help you.

You sound unhinged. I feel so sorry for your DH who is heading for the trauma of divorce because of his toxic wife.

Can you give examples of the worst most toxic/racist things they’ve done and said.

But none of this is in your op? They were wary cos their son has poor judgement previously and asked perfectly normal questions to get to know you. My MIL has an actual relationship with my family, she's invited to parties and was going to a show with my Mom etc. this isn't unusual. What is unusual is your reaction

I'd be so worried if this was my son.

I thought it was a reverse at first.

Sadly seems not.

A marriage won't last in these circumstances

I cant quite figure out why the OP has posted.

Is it to vent or ask for advice or ??

That isn't racist. I imagine they'd have asked the same if you were white Eastern European for example! God help them if you have kids in the future. First time they yell "I hate you" their bags will be packed!

For his sake, hopefully not. Early his poor taste in wives has not improved.

Oh dear OP . You are behaving in an incredibly closed off way here. You can’t refuse to talk about your personal life to your husband and it is completely normal for in laws to ask about your family and background. It is POLITE for them to show an interest. I did very sorry for DH here and wonder what had made you so afraid and closed off to other people ?

You are anti social. You refuse to talk about yourself and refuse invites to your in laws' family events. What have your in laws said that's so awful? They were understandably sceptical of your relationship at the beginning considering you'd only been dating their son/brother for 9 months before getting married. What have they done since you married him?

I'm not sure whether it's your culture, but asking about your family and so forth is a way to open up conversations. I think you should give them a chance and not be suspicious of their motives.

Do you understand why your husband is upset? Don’t you want to be supportive to someone you love, even if that means you have to put yourself out occasionally?

Your stance is very rigid and narrow minded. There’s nothing weird about a family asking questions that help them get to know a brother or son’s new partner better. It’s weird that you think it’s weird.

What kind of personal questions? Asking someone about their family is normal. It's part of getting to know people.

Or at least it is in my world.

They are right to have initial concerns especially as his ex did exactly what they feared. Its a normal reaction.

Its also kind of normal for in law to ask about your personal life in the getting to know you stages as well as now you are married.

You are unreasonable to block his family and refuse to attend family events. You're marriage isnt going to last if you carry on with how you are behaving. You sound as if you are never going to get along with them and as he has a relationship with them, that isnt going to work long term. What are you going to do when you have children?

What personal questions did his family ask ?

How are they racist ? (His family thinking that you're going to run off after marriage isn't racist)

Don't think the OP will come back to this thread.
She is not getting the answers she wants to hear.

What kind of personal questions and toxic behaviour were so bad that you felt this total block on them was necessary, @nadia11 ?

This says it all!! You are behaving incredibly dramaticly

You don't sound like you're the least bit bothered about trying to integrate a family. Well, that's what marriage is about - you're integrating his family and he's integrating yours. Harmoniously.

It's making me wonder whether you've been married before, and whether that also didn't go well because you are so weird, frankly.

When you decided to marry this guy, what was your intention? Because it's not about "folding in" to his family or allowing him to get to know yours.

Anyway, I can see you won't be listening to reason, so I'll let you get on with it!

You are sounding very inflexible and have already decided that you are not going to make an effort with your husband’s family so what is the purpose of your posting. Did you just want people to agree with you?