My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

Just to add you are unable to take any criticism has it ever occurred to you that you are the "toxic person" in this family relationship. Are you able to accept that you might be in the wrong here ?

Perhaps if you dare show your husband this post and let him decide on his future

You don’t sound like a very nice person to be honest. They realised they were wrong and want to make amends. It only shows that you are the problem now, you don’t need to be besties but at least show your partner you are willing to try and be amicable for him.

That’s not the OPs train of events, pet.

Maybe quit stirring….

I'm struggling to see why you have posted OP.

You have come on here to make a statement about your NC arrangement with your DHs family only. You are not asking for help of any kind so I will make a statement too. It's raining out and it's currently 18 degrees in my porch.

Why did you marry this man if his family are so 'toxic/racist' ?

Your DH doesn't seem to be a very good judge of character. I suspect his family are starting to think so too - and you are simply assisting this opinion.

Personally, I far prefer those who make mistakes but realise it, apologise, and make the steps to rectify it, over someone stubborn, unforgiving and bloody-minded.

You seem unpleasant. I hope your DH sees this too and calls time on the marriage.

YABU. I’d probably block your husband too and call it a day. It’s really difficult to have a relationship with someone without having a relationship with their family especially if your husband is close to his family. Do you expect him to have a relationship with your family? Maybe he can’t be bothered to do that either 🤷‍♀️.

I’m not justifying it but it sounds like they had good reason to be wary initially as he’d already been in a similar situation before and been burnt. It sounds like they are trying to make an effort and get to know you.

It is, read it again.

‘they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life.’

Maybe quit defending racists.

Nowadays, there is a lot more racism and seperatism initiated by the black community than white people, and a lot of racism towards white people! I see a lot of it in OPS post!

That’s not what that says.

its doesn’t say ‘they kept questioning despite me showing them my passport.

it says ‘they kept questioning, despite this i showed them my passport’

Op showed them her passport despite them questioning her.

Nowhere does it say they kept questioning despite or AFTER seeing her passport.

Its not even remotely weird to ask where you have family, its barely even personal, it’s small talk!

I understand they upset you when they questioned your motives, and whilst I can understand their concerns due to his previous marriage, it was rude of them and frankly, none of their business, their son is an adult. But what I don’t understand is why you are so hostile to them ALL now? I think you’re using it as an excuse to be honest.

My thoughts are this is a cultural issue. In Western culture it is not unusual to ask about your in-laws family. I think it would be nice for you OP to make a bit of effort with your husband's family as otherwise it is going to make for a difficult scenario for all concerned. By acting the way you do you are endorsing your in-laws view of you not being very favourable. My in-laws are difficult and not always very nice to me but I make an effort for the sake of my husband because marriage is all about give and take.

This poor family. Your dh obviously has a bad choice in partners. I don’t blame them for being cautious, his first wife used him and he got married to a second wife after 9months who won’t share information about themselves.
Lets hope he chooses better third time around! Are you planning children? They will be your in-laws family, how will you navigate that?

My thoughts too. I can see why DH family might not trust you OP. You are waving quite a few red flags here.

Tbh though unless he is vulnerable, it's not up to his family to be cautious for him.

They can express concerns to him & that's it imo.

You are talking about your husband's FAMILY. This isn't someone at the supermarket who has annoyed you. Of course they ask you questions about your own family and background, you are married to their son. Perhaps because you don't have family yourself you don't understand how families work. You obviously hate them and enjoy your friends making judgements. Have your friends met them> Do they actually know them well, or have you been bad mouthing your in laws to your friends?

I would hate to have you as a daughter in law and I feel sorry for your husband. He obviously hasn't realised yet how toxic you are. If you are looking for toxicity, start with yourself.f

I don’t know any culture where it is unacceptable to enquire about family, in fact westerners are a lot more relaxed with this, as many cultures need to know all sorts about the family before they will even allow marriage! The questions from your in laws sound like normal questions in the course of getting to know someone

Absolutely. If it were my brother I'd be telling him to run a mile. 9 months? Talk about a red flag- what was the rush?

Honestly you sound awful. Just leave your poor husband and then you won’t need to feel quite so aggrieved by them being what sounds like a normal family who are trying to include you. Also what a horrible attitude to have of “one strike and you’re out”. They had every reason to be trepidatious of the marriage, and you could have offered some grace. Instead, it seems not only were they right, but they should have been telling their son to run fast in the other direction.

This is likely a cultural difference. As a non-white person married to a white English person, there are numerous challenges with our relationship, including broader family problems caused by having a different outlook.

No one's fault of course but different backgrounds are a challenge I feel.

You don't sound very nice at all.

Of course they were worried that the same thing would happen to their son. Wouldn't your family be worried if you had married someone who only wanted a UK passport?

I don't think your marriage will last if you carry on like this. You don't seem to care about your husband at all.

Not in this country. It’s perfectly normal to ask your new daughter or son in law about family. Your evasiveness will seem suspicious to them. There’s private and there’s hostile. You seem the latter.

Yes they were judgemental and could have handled it better but I can also see their perspective given as you acknowledge they he was in a relationship with someone who used him to get permanent residency in the UK.

You seem to have made up your mind about them so I'm not sure what the point of this thread is. Do what you want to do and move on.

I'm sure I would also be sceptical if my brother or friend just got out of a relationship where he was scammed for residency papers and goes into another relationship where there that possibility. I wouldn't be rude to the partner but I would be sceptical and probably tell him or her to be careful and make sure before committing.

I think your DH will regret marrying in such haste. What was the rush? Why did you say yes knowing that there were issues with his family? He was too keen to tie you to him so you wouldn't escape for some reason. It's going to lead to disappointment for him as it is unreasonable to expect him to be on his own for all events for the foreseeable and be happy with that, nobody would be in his shoes.
Sounds to me like you've lumped the whole lot of them together, wheen really he has a lot of siblings and family so it's doubtful they all have the same opinion of you. Their behaviour initially may not have been about you, more about worrying that he was being blinkered again.