He broke up with me because I have a kid that he knew about the whole 6 months we were together

[Appleandbologna]

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

Sounds like an excuse to me. I wouldn’t waste time trying to understand or change his mind - he doesn’t want to go out with you any more, and this is the excuse he’s come up with. Just move on to somebody better.

He’s just using that as an excuse, unfortunately it boils down to he doesn’t want to be with you (for whatever reason and probably not because you have a child)
plenty more fish in the sea, his loss!

That’s the thing we just saw each other two days ago and we even planned a trip for this weekend that he initiated so I don’t think it’s the fact he wanted to stop seeing me and then we got into a conversation last night and he told me that he just feels like he would want to be the parental figure sooner and that he’s not 100% ready for that he’s not sure how he would handle that. Completely disregarding the fact of how I wanted to handle things.

He said it’s because even though I don’t expect certain things until a certain time frame because I believe like certain things come with time I don’t want anyone to be a parental figure right off the bat if I don’t know they’re gonna be permanent in her life. It’s been me and her for eight years and he never even tried to meet her. Everything else has been going fine. It’s just the topic of meeting my child and then he told me that he should’ve never told me that he was 100% OK with it if he wasn’t sure. But told me that he there for me. He cares about me a lot and doesn’t want me to hate him.

Take a deep breath and realize that he is entitled to change his mind as he realizes the situation is getting serious. He was wrong about whether he coupd handle a kid. Or he realized he didn’t love you enough to overcome his doubts. Better now than later. Respect his decision.

People lie all the time about their feelings and it's hurtful and very confusing. It sounds like his feelings for you changed or he wasn't that keen to begin with. I appreciate that hurts. It's happened to the best of us!

Just try leave this situation with your dignity and leave him be.

You said he had no previous experience of children so maybe it genuinely is as simple as that. It took time for him to understand the reality of it and that it wasn't something he was ready to sign up for.

I know it's painful but it is far better for someone to be honest and say I'm not someone who can be a stepparent further down the road. It's not what I want.

I think you talking about the future and the steps in which you would want to introduce him into your child's life is way too much too soon. There's a real difference between being technically OK with someone you're starting to date having a child and being on the cusp of being introduced to that child, and hearing about a timeline for the future. Obviously, in an ideal world he realises that dating someone with a child is something he doesn't want before he starts dating them, but sometimes people only realise something when they're put in a situation.

My sister, for instance, would never now date anyone with young children, after a previous longterm relationship where she grew to love her partner's children over six years, and when he ditched her, out of the blue, he refused to even allow her to say goodbye to them. She never saw them again, and was heartbroken. I don't blame her for now ruling out someone with children.

You are focusing too much on what he has said in relation to your child @Appleandbologna and tying yourself up in knots about it. As PP’s have pointed out it’s just a load of excuses because he no longer wants to be with you. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be concerned about you having a child. I worked with someone who was in a long term relationship with a woman who had four children from her previous marriage. He truly loved her so he was accepting of the children. My guess would be that your BF has met someone else. Take care of yourself OP and good luck for the future.

I know it's hard but there's no point trying to make sense of what he's said.

He no longer wants the relationship for whatever reason so just let him go.

I'd say thanks for letting me know and then just block him, you'll get over it 10x quicker if you no longer have any contact with him.

Sorry this has happened, it's pant's especially when you've been so honest from the start, and maybe be thankful he never met your Dd

He’s the one that brought up the conversation about meeting my child in the first place. He has a brother who recently started dating a girl and moved in together and he was worried that that’s what I would’ve wanted if we got into a committed relationship and then that’s when I explained that no I would want to wait six months before you even met her to see how things did with us in a committed relationship then I would wanna wait another six months in total of a year before introducing as a significant other and him and I have been together for six months, so that’s meeting my child after a year and a half of being together

He is allowed to make this decision. Yes he knows about the child, and may well have been open to it, but he is allowed to decide that it is not for him. Much better that he does this now than after he has been involved in your child’s life. It is a shame, but if he has realised it is not what he wants of can commit to, it’s better that he tells you now.

I understand why you're hurt but he's allowed to change his mind! I think it's a bit disingenuous of people to say "oh he's just using it as an excuse" as if it's not a completely valid reason to end a relationship. I doubt a woman would be accused of the same!

Maybe he was swept away with the love and excitement of a new relationship when the child was just a hypothetical in his mind. I know you say he's known about the child from the start, but it's very easy to compartmentalise something (or someone) you never see or interact with into a little box of "to be dealt with later". Especially blokes who are very good at compartmentalising emotionally.

And now you're approaching six months and the "meeting the kid" phase it's become real and he's realised it's too much for him. That's ok. It hurts but it's surely better than the alternative? Do you not think you'd be more hurt if he'd bitten his tongue, met your child, spent another six months with you and then decided it was too much?

It's a bitter pill to swallow but dating when you have a child is a minefield, and there will be always be plenty of men out there who think they'll be fine with a child but will later realise they're not.

What difference does all this analysing make? What's the point of it?

He doesn't want to go out with you any more.

He's allowed that agency.

What’s dd? Do you mean daughter? Or bd because I’m the only active parent her dad hasn’t been around since she was born 8 years ago sorry I’m new to this site so I’m not really sure what the abbreviations are yet

He's allowed to change his mind.

You're allowed to be upset about it.

There's nothing more to be said or done. Just cut contact and move on. You did the right thing not introducing someone new to your daughter, and he did the right thing putting an end to it before an introduction had taken place.

You may not expect him to take on parental duties etc but the fact is you have a child, who will be around for a lot of the time you and your partner are together. Quite clearly that isn’t something he wants.

Stop trying to peruse this relationship or you will end up with a man who resents your child.

It may be an excuse, as previous posters have said, or it could be that he has come to realise that he isn't ready to date someone with a child, @Appleandbologna. Either way, that is going to be painful for you, and I am sorry for that, but maybe it is better for him to have been honest now, than to keep stringing you along, only to tell you this later, when he has met your child, and you are more invested in the relationship.

I think you did all the right things - you were honest from the get-go, set reasonable boundaries and expectations, and communicated with him - it is just sad that this hasn't worked out this time. I don't think he has done anything wrong either.

Anyone can end a relationship for any reason. It doesn't really matter why at this point. All you can do is move on.

@Sneezeguard That's rough. Cruel actually. Your poor, poor sister.

@CombatLingerie (Fab user name!) If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be concerned about you having a child.

I don't know about that. Even when people genuinely love each other there may be non-compromises. Like what country to settle in for e.g or nature of extended family.

I think OP, your partner is trying to say (but it's coming out confusing) that he does really love you emotionally and because of that he would want to fully be a father to your child, not just mummy's friend, BUT he also doesn't have the maturity, readiness to be a father either. Maybe his love isn't mature. 6 months is also honeymoon love period, not the stable, boring down in the trenches everyday gritty love.

He wants to take on your child with his heart, but he realises he can't with his mind.

He’s told you his reasons and there’s no point trying to analyse and tie yourself in knots. Let him go and move on.Maybe the reality of meeting your DD was the trigger for his doubts and if so he’s done the right thing

He's changed his mind.

What is your alternative to just accepting this? You can't force him to be with you. You can be upset though, and you'll stop being angry after a while.

Sorry you're upset.

Maybe as the relationship progressed he realised the enormity of the situation as he got know you better and it freaked him out.

It is what it is. He is allowed to change his mind and I think it is good he has done so now before your child gets to know him rather than her getting attached to him.