He broke up with me because I have a kid that he knew about the whole 6 months we were together

[Appleandbologna]

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

Its hopeless, I think.

Oh god this is still going on?!

OP he wanted to break it off and he did.

Regardless of whether he’s changed his mind about being a stepparent or whether he’s met someone else, it means he isn’t suitable for you as a partner.

It can be confusing when they seem to suddenly change their mind about a relationship with you. And your brain goes round and round wondering if you did something wrong. You didn’t. Your 6 month rule is good.

Drop the ball now on trying to understand him. It doesn’t matter and wastes your energy and time.

I’m so sorry to hear about DD father. That have been difficult for you. You deserve someone who loves you and by default loves DD too because she’s a major part of your life. This man wasn’t the one. And if he is, he will come back one day.

Let him go. Thank him for the good times. Wish him well. Treat yourself to something you’ve always wanted. Plan nice things this weekend.

💐

Thank you I appreciate that and I understand it’s a huge commitment. My whole thing was the fact that he was blaming my daughter and not taking responsibility and saying it was a him. It was the fact that he told me not even 12 hours before hand however everything was going in the right direction and how much he cared about me and how good I am to him and all these other sweet things to turn around and text me right after making plans with me and breaking up with me and making it seem like it was all her fault instead of saying to me That his mind changed or something like that he told me that the reason he was breaking up with me was because he knew that I didn’t expect him to take that parental role on right away, but that’s something he would want to do and he isn’t ready for that and I understand not wanting to take the parental role on right away because you’re not ready But how are you gonna use that as the reason when you knew that I didn’t want you to do that in the first place. (I know this may ruffle some feathers when I say this and I don’t mean this in a bad way but nowadays all you see is a single parent and another adult when they get together they move in together right away I mean even his brother did that his brother lives in his house and recently started dating a girl with a kid and moved the kid and the girl into his house , but that’s not what I wanted. I believe that comes time and that you shouldn’t do that because that’s bad for the child and confusing for the child. And that a child’s relationship with another adult should be built on their own time, not on my time, not on his time, but on their time and at a pace, they are comfortable with it. So it isn’t like I put pressure on him at all. My six month thing only came into topic when he asked me when I would want him to meet her and I said I wanted to be in a committed relationship for at least six months before he did.i won’t ever force that because I feel like it and it’s forced that’s when a lot of problems are caused )He could’ve told me you know I thought about it and I don’t think I can do the whole stepdad thing. I would’ve understood that or if he met her and he thought she was a handful. I would understand that or if my kid was some unruly kid who didn’t listen, and I constantly had to cancel plans, I would understand that, but my daughter literally did nothing and then he put the blame on her while he ending our relationship instead of himself. Not only that he continued to text me multiple times through the conversation and throughout the rest of last week telling me that he wasn’t sure if he was making the right choice and he even tried to come talk to me on Friday, but I didn’t let that happen and I haven’t heard from him since. In my opinion if you don’t think you’re making the right choice, you shouldn’t be making the choice right there, if you’re conflicted about some thing, especially in a relationship, I believe you should mention it to the other person in the relationship so they’re not blindsided and maybe have a conversation about it together and then go from there. I even told him that I wish he would’ve talked to me not Because I wanted him to change his mind but because I wanted to understand the real reason instead of blaming my child because she did nothing wrong she is nothing but a loving and kind child and if I’m being completely honest here, she’s extremely smart and she caught onto the fact that I was seeing someone. Funny enough it was because he left the toilet seat up after leaving my house and she looked at me and asked me if I had a boyfriend and before I could respond to her, she looked at me and told me as long as he makes me happy and he’s good to me she will like him so that was another thing. She was willing to accept him just because he made me happy. She was more mature about the whole situation as a nine year-old than an almost 30-year-old man was. Im doing okay now. I was just extremely confused and hurt and it all came out of nowhere like I said, and anyone I talk to about it in person didn’t understand either how he flipped the way he did and used her as the excuse. honestly, everybody I spoke to thought it was pathetic and I posted, that post when I was in emotional state because like I said I was confused it didn’t make any sense to me or anyone else and I thought maybe if I post it someone would be able to relate and tell me about their story.

Honestly OP with the absolute best will in the world stop giving this guy so much headspace trying to understand and second guess him.

The sheer amount of words you’re posting tying yourself in knots is wasted energy anc you’re driving yourself mad.

He didn’t want to continue the relationship for whatever reason. And he’s not blaming your daughter - he’s not in the right place to be in a relationship with someone with a child. Thats his prerogative and that’s all you need to know.

Please stop wasting anymore time analysing and move forward.

OP he doesn’t know your daughter so it is nothing personal about her. He isn’t blaming her.

It might hurt you because you know how lovely she is and you love her, but he doesn’t know or feel these things.

BUT even if he was blaming her, he would definitely not be the man for you.

Please listen to us. It really is time to stop going over and over it. He wanted to end it. He can do it for any reason. He can lie about the reason if he wants. All of the possible reasons mean he isn’t the one for you.

It was very confusing because of why it was happening and how it happened out of nowhere like I’ve mentioned in a couple other responses he was telling me not even 12 hours beforehand how much he cared about me and how everything was going in a great great direction and he gave me no indication anything was wrong. Then he broke up with me over text and was blaming my child. He also continue to tell me while he was texting me breaking up with me that he didn’t know if he was making the right choice. He told me that at least 50 times last week after he broke up with me he continued to text me trying to talk to me about it. He even tried to see me on Friday, but it was like 11 PM at night and I wasn’t gonna let that happen. It was all kind of just a smack to the face like if this was somebody I was seeing for like a month or two I would understand and not be as hurt but I was with this man for almost 7 months. Everything was going great. He always reassured me Everything was going great and then out of nowhere. He broke up with me and then blamed it on my daughter. And that’s exactly what he did. He blamed her. He didn’t say like it’s a me thing. He told me that even though I didn’t expect him to be a parental figure and I wanted them to build their own relationship after they met that he would want to be that parental figure right away , and he doesn’t wanna do that and that’s why he’s breaking up with me so he was telling me that he was breaking up with me because he would want to be a parental figure towards my child that just didn’t make sense to me. That’s a good thing if you want to be that parental figure. It’s not like he said that he doesn’t see himself being a parental figure to her. He was saying he would want to be in. That’s why he was breaking up with me. I would also like to add in there that last year I went out with someone and he didn’t realize I had a daughter. He thought that my daughter was my roommate, and then after our second date, he realized that she was my kid and he told me that he’s never dated anybody with a kid but I seem like a good woman so he wanted to give me a shot, and after 4 dates le told me He doesn’t think it’s something that he could do and he told me why and we had a nice conversation about it and then parted ways (this guy was a few years younger than me) and I guess that hurt a lot too because someone I was seeing for less than two months respected me more to be honest with me and not lead me on for months and months and left me develop all these feelings for him and then just break up with me out of nowhere then the man I just spent almost 7 months with.. but I’m doing okay now. Yes I’m still hurting but I’ll be back to myself eventually!

This is all too much OP. You’re posting the same things over and over and are not listening.

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

Could you book a therapy session to talk this through and try and get out of this cycle of thinking that you are stuck in?

I agree completely, @TwistedWonder - you have said exactly what I was thinking.

Op, with the greatest respect, I'd let this go now. No matter what anyone says, you'll never know what's going on in his head.

Op, oh my god, enough already. You are just repeating yourself over and over and over. Your lack of self-awareness is quite alarming, and I'm thinking your child really isn't the reason he's ended it. It's just an easy reason for him to give.

Please block him.

The fact the he's finished with you when he's led you to believe everything was great and is now still texting you wanting to talk about it and wanting to come round late on a Friday night is a whole carnival of red flags.

He's not the man you thought he was. You won't get over him whilst you still allow him to manipulate you. Tell him to leave you alone now and block him.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Hes a piece of crap, let him go. If someone told me they didn't want to be with me because of my child that would be it! My child comes first and isn't anyone's "burden" thanks! He's not ready to commit and wants to blame your child, you already know and have been told this multiple times. Good riddance. Don't let him contact your again! BLOCK him OP stop being a doormat.

He’s not blaming your daughter, he’s saying that he’s not ready to take on a step parenting role which is something that he considers he would inevitably be expected to do (you can see that just from posts on here - stepparents, even when they’ve made it clear to their partner that they’re not going to take on responsibility for a stepchild, are routinely lambasted for not doing so). That isn’t blaming her - that’s him being clear as to his own willingness, or indeed lack thereof, to continue the relationship.

He may be very conflicted about it due to his feelings about you (and I don’t automatically believe he is making excuses or purposefully attempting to manipulate. It’s not like people aren’t known to try and quash their feelings about certain things, in the hope they can fake it until they make it, to borrow a phrase), but he’s been clear here, even if in a confusing way. He isn’t ready or willing to be a stepparent, despite what he may have genuinely believed or hoped to believe. Going over and over it isn’t going to help you, you need to work on accepting it now, and moving on.

THIS.

I think you need to stop giving this headspace OP, whatever his reasons he is free to leave.

Is it not better that he's honest now and leaves before meeting her?

@Appleandbologna Do you think this is a good example to be setting for your daughter? The man broke up with you. It's over. It doesn't matter what excuse he gave, he ended the relationship. Block him. Move on and stop ranting about the same thing over and over again.

Let your child see that no man is worth turning yourself into a ranting stereotype over. It doesn't matter what his brother did or what other people do. He doesn't want to be with you for whatever his reason is. Find someone who does.

This !!

Here's what happened:

You were dating a player who thought you'd be desperate for a man because you're single and you have a child.

He's still playing you.

The way to stop the playing is to block him.

He has someone else he's doing the same to, and if he doesn't, he will by the weekend.

Stop ruminating.
Stop going over and over and over and over this.

He isn't worth your time or your energy.

The kids are get out of jail free card for men dating single mums.

FFS stop going round in circles repeating yourself!! What do you want from this thread exactly? You aren't listening to any advice/perspectives, just locked in your own echo chamber.

Stop obsessing and focus on your child!

OP can you stop saying he blamed your child? He didn't blame a child. He took responsibility for his feelings and admitted he wasn't ready to be a step dad. You're really over thinking it.
The whole point of dating is to see if you are a right fit. That can take time and people often change their mind and break up before they decide to fully commit. We all have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find the one.

Now you know he's not ready to be family man, you know he's not for you as you have a child. So clearly it's over. You need to grieve, accept and move on.

Instead, you're obsessively keep going in circles, insisting things should be different or he should act differently and be someone he's not.

Too be honest you're coming across very desperate and obsessive . That will make you a magnet for all the wrong men.

Enjoy your daughter and building your own life. You will meet the right person in the right time. This man is not goof for you so stop waisting your breath on him.

Nah, he decided he wasn't into the OP any more, possibly because he met someone else, and the child was a handy person to blame instead of just telling her the truth.

The kids are get out of jail free card for men dating single mums.
Agree 100%, @bifurCAT

From talking to a man about this he said that initially he didn't really understand how the circumstances would affect his life and the relationship. He hadn't been there before so had no experience. As it progressed and he saw more of the family life he didn't want that kind of life. He called off his engagement as he didn't want to become a stepfather.