He broke up with me because I have a kid that he knew about the whole 6 months we were together

[Appleandbologna]

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

I know this is upsetting OP but he just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

It could be that the reality of being around your child is more overwhelming than he thought initially. I dated a guy with kids when I was about 25, for 4 months. I had thought I was ok with it but then the reality of always coming second to kids that aren't mine smacked me in the face. I hated it, though I knew I was being selfish/unfair, and so I would never do it again.

It could be that he is just using a convenient excuse because he's found someone else, the spark has died for him, he's not attracted to you anymore etc. Sometimes convenient excuses are easier than telling the whole truth, and it's just human nature to go with what's easiest a lot of the time - whether it's 'right' or not. I know I have done it in the past.

Whichever it is though is largely irrelevant. You can't logic someone into wanting to be with you, whether it's a 6 month relationship or a 20 year one. Grieve and move on

You know, I read nasty unnecessary stuff like this, along with the grammar policing above, kicking someone when they're already down, and I wonder why vulnerable people bother posting on MN at all.

It's sometimes easy to think things are not a problem when they're just theoretical. The longer you're together, the closer this theoretical situation becomes to reality.

Surely after only a few months you can dump someone for any reason or none?

I do understand being upset though, it's still hurtful. I am glad he was honest with you though.

One question though, if you've seen him every weekend for six months, but he hasn't met your daughter, where has she been every weekend?! You mentioned her father absent?

You haven't spent a weekend with your child for a very long time if that's the case. Sorry if I've misunderstood something!

I think that this man didn't mind the idea of you having a child. He's obviously aware your daughter's Dad is not on the scene. He likes the idea of your daughter seeing him as a 'father figure' but reality has suddenly set in, and he's realised he's not ready for that level of responsibility. You may not want him to have any level of responsibility yet, but if the relationship continues and he's introduced to your daughter, in the near future he's going to have a ready-made family. I understand you are hurt, and you have every right to be. However, be thankful that you haven't yet introduced him to your daughter. It would be much worse if she'd become attached to him, and he stopped visiting. He's been honest with you, that has to count for something. Be glad that you have your rules about not introducing a potential boyfriend to your daughter, until much later in the relationship - stick to those rules. There's no point in trying to change his mind, accept his decision and sadly it's one to put down to experience.

MN is full of stories of horrible step parents.
He's been honest, it's not for him.
Its a huge commitment, not one to be taken lightly.
Be glad you know now and your daughter has not been impacted.
Hope you feel better soon.

Nobody know what he is thinking except him so not sure the point of 'what he is thinking or doing is this' can't see it actually means anything?

He has decided not to be with you so why would it matter why? I don't see how wanting a replacement father works

Never a good idea to date someone that has vastly different life experiences, you are experiencing the invetible outcome!

No lol. I was more just confused and wanted some opinions. It all happened it a matter honestly and I didn’t know how to process it all because of that.The day before everything was fine and he told me how much he cared about me and he asked me if I wanted to go on this mini road trip to this restaurant a few hrs away he saw on tiktok and everything was fine. He said something in our conversation the next day (the day he broke up with me) and we got on the topic of my daughter he asked how she was doing and out of no where he told me that he knew I didn’t expect him to be a parental figure to her right off the bat and it came with time. (I didn’t want to rush anything. I believe they need to develop their own relationship at their own pace.) but he would want to do that if he’s around her a lot and since she’s a big part of my life she would be and he’s not ready for that and broke up with me. There’s more to it but that’s the basic. I was just so confused and hurt and didn’t understand why it all happened so fast like that. But after having time to think I’m okay.

Honestly, the post was ignorant as could be, but I’m not gonna let it bother me. When I wrote that I was in a very vulnerable state so the last thing that was on my mind was punctuation and maybe you could’ve asked in a nicer way the questions that you have. But to answer the questions anyway we are both almost 30, the father isn’t around because he died 8 years ago and she’s almost 9. Maybe before you leave a nasty comment you find out all the information first.

No one said anything about a replacement father. You can keep your rude comments to yourself.

Thank you I appreciate that. I think it was more the fact that it literally came out of nowhere and it was the way he did it. We were literally fine. Five minutes beforehand. We had a trip planned for the weekend. He was telling me how much he cared about me earlier that day and the day before like he always does and then nowhere. He told me that he knew I said he wouldn’t have to be a parental figure anytime soon, but he would want to be and he’s not ready for that, if he didn’t want to be with me, that’s 100% OK it’s just the way he handled things over a text message instead of talking to me like an adult the whole time we were together it’s not like we went on a few dates and you ended over a text message type of thing but I’m doing OK now I think it was just the initial. It was like a slap to the face type of thing like I said thank you again.

First response nailed it.

Try to stay busy and distract yourself as you grieve the loss of your relationship and the future you planned together.

I appreciate that thank you very much. I was in a very emotional state when I wrote that because it honestly came out of nowhere. He was telling me the day before how much he cared about me like he does often and we were supposed to have a trip that weekend and then out of nowhere, he broke it off with me because he didn’t see himself being up parental figure anytime soon and that’s what he would want to be if he met her. It just didn’t make sense to me, because not only did we have a conversation that he brought up at one point about what I would expect from him if he met my daughter and I told him that I would want them to build their relationship at their own pace and I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure off the bat and I know that’s what a lot of people do nowadays and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that I just don’t want that for her because that means they wouldn’t build that relationship and also I look at that as a good thing that means you care about someone that you would want to be that parental figure but I also understand the whole point you were telling me as well and if he would’ve told me it that way, I would’ve understood a lot better than the way he told me it and he did it. it was all just very confusing.

I spend the weekend with both of them but at different times.I probably should have mentioned that my daughter was 9. He usually would see his family during the day and I do the same on my weekends. We are both very family oriented and the weekends are the only time her grandparents and great grandparents get to see her for more than an hr due to our schedules during the week so they like her to stay the night and she also stays with friends on her cheer team. Also there have been like maybe 3 or 4 weekends we didn’t see eachother because I had plans for my daughter and I so he hung out with friends at his house.

You know yourself that bringing up a child is a massive responsibility and takes over your life. He was honest, he told you he couldn’t do it. I think it’s good that he hadn’t met your DD as she loses nothing by his going.
Be kind to yourself. It’s tough on your own. Walking outdoors in parks or woods has a calming effect if you can make time for that.
I’m sorry about the loss of your DD’s father.

He's met someone else.

@mathanxiety I agree, he's probably met someone else and your DD is just a handy excuse. People lie.

The now he’s telling me part was my way of trying to explain what was going on. If he didn’t want to be with me that was fine. It was the way he told me how much he cared for me and our relationship was moving in a great direction not even 12 hrs or so before hand so it hit me out if no where. It’s not like he talked to me about it and told me things changed. He didn’t take responsibility at all and made it seem like it was my child’s fault he was leaving. That’s why I made the post because I was so confused on what changed and why so fast. Also my 6 month thing he asked me when I would want him to meet her and I told him a minimum of 6 months but like I also said in another message on here that I was okay if it took longer because they need to develop a relationship of their own. If it wasn’t something he wanted or he changed his mind there is a right way to handle it and a wrong way and he chose to handle it in a very bad way.

And that’s 100% okay. Yes if he did that hurts me considering he was telling me not even 12 hrs before how much he cared about me and how things are moving in a great direction but if he wanted to stop because he met someone else he should have said that. Not make it seem like it was because of my daughter.

I don't think he's met somebody else. Men are generally pretty straight forward. He's not ready to do 'family' things or play house.

I have quite a lot of male friends and through seeing them navigating dating, I've seen many times they sit the same thing, they were fine in the early stages because the child was at grandparents/sleepovers/dads house etc when they visited, so it was no different to dating a woman with no attachments but when the reality started to kick in that outside of these situations that person life was very different and lacked any spontaneous plans and the playful woman exciting woman they know doesn't actually exist for the rest of the week when she is in 'mum' mode, they suddenly realise they aren't interested in that.

I don't have children and I wouldn't date a man who had children either. I could have seen myself considering it when I was younger but I'd have backed out very quickly when I realised that it was permanent and how all consuming parenting is. He's perfectly entitled to leave the relationship for any reason and I actually think his is a good one. He has also said this before meeting your daughter which is better than going through introductions and then him disappearing which might be confusing for your child.

It's not what you want to hear because obviously you like him but you can't change the fact you have a child and he can't change how he feels. Stay busy and keep looking, you will meet somebody who is ready to settle down and at a more compatible life stage.

Thank you I appreciate that like I said to a few other people it’s 100% OK if he didn’t want to continue that’s not really what my post was about. I more posted because I was super confused how he went from telling me 12 hours beforehand how much he cared for me and how lucky he was to have me and how good I treated him and how everything was moving in a great direction only for him to text me and tell me the only thing stopping him is my Kid, but in all reality, the only thing stopping him was him and instead of taking responsibility like a man and an adult and letting me know that maybe his mind changed or something along those lines he turned around and made it seem like it was all my child’s fault telling me that she’s the only reason he’s not staying with me otherwise I’m perfectly great like that wasn’t OK. Because for one it’s not like he ever met my child if he did and he realized like oh this kid is a handful. I don’t think I could do it. Then I would understand or he met the child and he told me he thought it was something he was ready for, but he’s really not then I would understand , but trying to tell me my child too much without even knowing her is hurtful because it was like he was blaming a nine-year-old for the fact that he was leaving me. You know what I mean? Especially because he told me when he first met me. He really liked the fact that I was a mom because that showed him. I was super family oriented, and that I was good with children and that’s what he was looking for in a partner. So him using her as the reason just made everything so confusing and hurtful. if he would’ve sat there and told me he met someone else I would’ve just been like OK and let it go from there, but then he also continued to text me for days after he broke up with me telling me he didn’t know if he was making the right choice. He tried to get me to let him come over last Friday and talk in person and I did not let that happen because that’s something he should’ve done in the first place. He hasn’t spoke to me since so I guess I posted all of this because I was confused on the way everything was handled the way it was and to see if anyone can relate and it wasn’t making sense to me or anyone I talked about it in person so I figured maybe somebody on the Internet could explain it to me. I would also like to add in there. I did go out with someone on a few dates last year and he thought my daughter was my roommate, but then he found out she was actually my daughter. and he told me that he’s never dated anyone with a kid, but I seem like a good person so he wants to see how it goes him and I ended up going out three or four times before he called me and talk to me and explain to me that it’s nothing I did and that I’m a great woman but it wasn’t something he was ready for because he was still young and the guy was a few years younger than me and I understood that and I guess that’s why this was so hurtful too. Is someone who went out with me on 3 to 4 dates and barely knew me for a month or two, respected me more to be honest with me and tell me that they weren’t ready for it. Then someone I spent almost seven months with.

Like I said, in another post, it was more the fact that he was basically blaming my child for the reason he was leaving, even though he never met my child he was making it seem like my child was too much for him and everything else, even though like I said, he never met her And he was telling me things about how he would want to be that parental figure for her even though he knows, I didn’t expect it off the bat because a relationship like that needs to be formed between a child and the other adult I won’t force that kind of a relationship. If he would’ve sat there and told me it was something that he was thinking about for a while and he’s not ready for it or something along those lines I would understand, but he went from telling me everything was going in the right direction and how much he cared about me how happy he was with me to 12 hours later breaking up with me And saying it was because of her when in all reality, he should’ve took responsibility and said that he thought it was some thing that he could do, but he doesn’t think he could do it. I would also like to add in there that even though I am a single mom, my daughter is at the age where she goes places and stays with friends. She’s on the cheer team stuff like that so I do have free time and anytime he asked me out even if it was just for dinner on a week day I was able to go. I never had to cancel anythjng. I made sure I had the time for him because I know that is something that a lot of men worry about when dating a single mom or vice versa, like their partner not having time for them. And honestly, that was another reason why it was so confusing because and I don’t mean this in a rude way towards any parent that has an unruly child or a hectic schedule with their child but my child’s very well behaved and it’s because I raised her that way she follows the rules that anyone gives her and it’s just a very respectable child so when somebody is turning around, trying to put the blame on a child that’s done nothing instead of taking responsibility and saying hey it’s a me thing that was even more hurtful. He also told me multiple times while breaking up with me that he wasn’t sure if this was the right choice and he wasn’t sure if he was making the correct choice over and over again and to me if you’re not sure if that’s the right choice that you shouldn’t be doing it and you should probably think about it a little bit more before you make a choice if you’re indecisive it’s not the fact that he didn’t wanna be with me. It was his reasoning and making it seem like it was my daughter’s fault.

OP, it doesn’t matter whether your child is an angel or a terror, he just doesn’t want to be involved with a child. There really is no halfway house here. You either want to take on someone else’s child, or you don’t. He doesn’t, entirely his prerogative. There is nothing else to unpick here.