He broke up with me because I have a kid that he knew about the whole 6 months we were together

[Appleandbologna]

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

OP, you sound incredibly young. The over analysis of this is very extreme. Men lie, women lie. People change their minds also. People lose their feelings. Sometimes people make up poor excuses rather than tell the truth. You have to let this go. You're a mum and you have a responsibility not to be going all off the rails in your mind over a guy you've known 6 months.

It might be easier if you take things even slower with the next person you meet. Date them, don't sleep with them for a long time ( so you don't lose your objective judgement and bond with bad guys too quickly).

As a young single mum, you're quite vulnerable to alot of awful guys just using you, stringing you along for sex or even more sinister behaviour unfortunately.

Maybe guys with their own child might have more in common? That will of course bring it's own issues.

Just move on now OP. The mental exhaustion of this must be overwhelming.

OP I think so many blended families don't work out because adults only focus on their relationship and believe kids can somehow be kept separate. That includes strange rules about meeting kids only after over a year etc.
I know I'm going totally against the grain here but it's OK for children to know mum has a friend and her own life. As long as you don't play happy familes and don't let children get attached etc, it's important to causally meet at least once to see how they even get along.
My friend met a lovely woman and after 6
months of dating he was introduced to her daughter. He just didn't click with her at all, found her rude and overbearing. He made a right choice to end the relationship because as much as he loved his girlfriend he knew she deserves someone who will also accept her daughter and be a right fit for her family. He wasn't.

Accept your partner's decision and stop over thinking. He's either lying and is not into you or he's telling the truth that he can't see himself as a parent figure which means he absolutely is not a right fit for you and your child.

Apologies if someone else has already said this, but surely it is better that he told you now, @Appleandbologna, rather than waiting until he had met your child, with the risk of your child being upset/feeling rejected by the relationship break-up.

He’s allowed to change his mind,
After 6 months you’re still getting to know each other. He probably just doesn’t want to commit in general, you can’t really hold someone to committing to you long term based on a conversation you have at the beginning. Just accept his feelings have changed.

OP I just wanted to add further to my below post-

There is also unfortunately some added stigma and sometimes self esteem issues that come with being a single mum.

I know the father of my children gloated that I would never find anyone/be wanted/be good enough because no one would want me because I had kids.

Being broken up with, and this being cited as the reason, really plays on this deep insecurity for some of us single mothers.

Time does heal and you will one day find someone willing to accept all of you.

OP, I can see why you are upset, confused and angry - you loved him and saw a future, and this feels out of the blue.

But if a snake bites you, you don't hunt it down and demand to know why. You will probably never know the exact reasons he changed his mind - he may not even really know himself. Really, would it make that much difference if he gave an explanation you could accept? He would still be gone from your life, sadly.......

Positives are, it was only 6 months, you don't live together, he doesn't know your kid, so it won't be that hard to disentangle yourselves and move on, tho I know it can hurt like hell - I think short relationships often hurt more when they end because you are still in the honeymoon period, you haven't seen each other's bad bits! (I can think of at least two friends, otherwise sensible professional women, I have at one point t each seen driven almost suicidal by the end of a short Tinder relationship, while both survived the loss of their years long marriages with relative equanimity.

One thing I will say, is that your 6 months, 9 months etc strict timeline could feel a little controlling - what if the partner doesn't feel ready to meet the child after 6 months? Shouldn't it be a mutually agreed timeline? (Tho obviously you set the minimum time you are comfortable with).
Most people I know aren't in some hectic rush, champing at the bit to meet new potential step children - perhaps they would rather leave it longer than 6 months if they could.

My husband didn't meet my daughter till a year, and I STILL don't expect him to play a "parental role" in her life and never will. Why should I? She is not his child.

@Pinkbonbon @Swanbeauty this is exactly what was going through my mind when writing my post to OP.

The priority going forward needs to be ,how can I make sure I vet these men slowly, very slowly and how am I ensuring mine and my child's safety at every single step!

If you could just keep your dating life and your life as a mum completely separate for the next 8 - 10 years I imagine that would be the best thing for your child.

He's just not that into you

He's allowed to break up with you for any reason he likes. Doesn't matter iff it's true or not.

@Ilovelurchers But if a snake bites you, you don't hunt it down and demand to know why.

I'm adding this to my mental list of wise sayings to fall back on when I lose my good sense. Thanks!

OP sorry your heart is broken, I know it really hurts, treat yourself well for a while, be kind to yourself, get out, eat well,do whatever it takes to make the next few weeks/months bearable and get over it. So sorry things haven't progressed as you wanted them to. Don't throw yourself at him to get him to change his mind. You're precious. Some better, more suitable man, will see it and love your child x

I disagree with posters saying it’s just an excuse and he wanted to break up, we don’t know that. A child is a big responsibility and he may not want that. It’s disingenuous to state that he wouldn’t have to play any role in that, and it would all be slowed down, as even living with someone else’s child and having your schedule built around the fact that they have a child, is a big thing. He may have decided if he is childless that he doesn’t want the complications or would like to start a family with someone that doesn’t have kids. Did he meet your kid and then make that decision or he is about to meet them? If he met them he may have decided the reality is he can’t do it. If he hasn’t he may not be ready to meet them and has decided best to end it now if that’s the expectation, or to break up before he becomes a part of their life. Obviously he doesn’t want to be with you enough to overcome these things, or he is rigid in his views, or he is having a wobble and will come around. Alternatively there could be other reasons he is not sharing, but it’s better you know he’s not all in now, rather than later on down the line. Apologies if you’ve answered these questions already as I don’t have the time this evening to read the whole thread

Horrible idea, but he does seem to fit the criteria as his reasoning doesn't really make sense.

🚩🚩🚩

he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever

Maybe what he imagined life around children would be like doesn't fit with the reality.

Whether someone has let your children or not, the impact of children is greater than most people imagine and that can be said for a lot of people who have children. How many people thought they knew what having a child would be like until they had one?

Either way, anyone can end a relationship with anyone for any reason.

The other person not wanting it to also end doesn't make the person who broke up with them an automatic arsehole. They have a life to fulfill too.

I completely agree.

Try not to analyse it all. He's uncomfortable that you have a child, blessing in disguise that he says this now instead of later. You'd always feel on edge knowing he wasn't happy.

They'll be someone out there for you maybe with his own kids and will have that understanding. Someone will welcome you and your child in their lives and it'll 'fit' right.

6 months and you're carrying on like it's the end of a 10 year marriage!!
Block and move on.

I picked up on you 'going through so much together' in those 6 months.
Are these distressing life events do you mean?

I agree with this and think it's great he's being honest with you. Think about how many women end up with men who don't really want kids (and worse usually end up pregnant to them!)

He probably recognises that he doesn't want to meet your child unless he is fully committed to the relationship, and now the time to meet is upon him, he has realised its a big deal and doesn't want to take that step for whatever reason.

It's hard when someone doesn't want to take the rationship forward, and I get that you've been up front about having a child, but you don't always know how you're going to feel about something until you get there.

At least he has told you before he's been introduced, I think you just have to accept how he feels and start moving on

That's a bit dismissive. I know people who married in a shorter time frame than that. The love high can be very strong in a short time as opposed to a longer time as a PP said.

How does his reasoning not make sense? OP has a whole schedule for him to meet and be involved in her child's life starting with being introduced at 6 months. They've been dating 6 months and he's realised he doesn't want to be introduced to the child. If he fit the criteria he'd be ready to be the friend she was introducing now at the 6 months mark.

@Appleandbologna You are right to have a strict 6 months before you introduce anyone to your child but the rest of your schedule could be exactly why he's left. 6 months isn't long enough for some people to want to meet their new gf/bfs child at all and it seems like you expected him to meet your child now whether he was ready or not because your time frame was reached.

He's not been unreasonable by deciding he just doesn't want to meet your child. Nor unreasonable for deciding he doesn't want a relationship with someone with a child, even if he thought it wouldn't matter at first. There are plenty of women without children and he is within his rights to decide he'd rather date childless women, just like many women would rather date childless men.

There are even couples who have been together for years and never been part of each other's children's lives because that works for them. This relationship with this man wasn't going to work for you. It's sad for you and you're hurt but ultimately it's better that he ended it after a few months than a year.

OP, it is always confusing and upsetting if someone doesn't want to continue a relationship we were happy in. It happens to all of us.

Your "And now he's sitting there telling me..." language is indignant to point of aggression.

He wasn't under any kind of contractual obligation to you. Stop behaving as though he was.

Maybe he knew from the start he'd just give it 6 months. Maybe he got tired of you. Maybe lots of things. You'll never know. That's OK. Accept it and move on.

I think this is a good example that your 6 months rule works. He doesn’t know much about kids and probably doesn’t realise how big a commitment it is and how much sacrifice it entails, good that he ended it before he starts bonding with your child

You need to learn about sentence structure and punctuation. Your posts are extremely difficult to read. If not for you, at least learn about basic grammar for the sake of your child.

How old are you? Where is the child's father? If the person you chose to have a child with didn't want to stick around why would you expect someone else to? Yes, blended families exist but you do massively limit your dating options as a single parent. Most men also want children later so this is especially difficult when you are young.

It's going to be extremely hard for you and your family. I'd also like to know the age of your child as it could be you are prioritising relationships over parenting which will lead to more problems.

Maybe not the opinion you want, but you asked for opinions. Good luck. You'll need it.

Would also be a good tactic to pull away under the guise of not knowing if they could handle a kid. As the mum might be more inclined then to rush contact in a 'let's put you two together and see if you get along' knee jerk reaction. Thus granting access to the child quicker than she initially planned.