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Original poster

He broke up with me because I have a kid that he knew about the whole 6 months we were together

174 replies

Appleandbologna · 11/09/2024 12:09

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 11/09/2024 13:47

I know it's hard but honestly sounds like an excuse or just that he couldn't manage and you don't want to be with some like that anyway. Trash took itself out...

Greystrie · 11/09/2024 13:49

Is this fella loaded OP, because you seem very reluctant to let go

CristinaNov182 · 11/09/2024 13:56

Chaiilatte · 11/09/2024 13:45

It's an excuse. He likes the benefit of having you around without having the responsibility of having to step up to the plate. He's probably always going to say this every time you bring it up and never be "ready"

Yes and that’s because this is the standard she established from the start of the relationship.

He wasn’t asked if he can bear the responsibility of becoming a stepdad within 6m -1 year if he become in love with her within this time frame.

there are men, the already dads or wanna be dads, who would have said yes. “If all works out between us I’m 100% ready and it’s no big deal. It will take time to form a bond, I might want to take it slow, but I am committed. Are you committed too? To have a relationship with my kid or to try for a baby with me in the near future?”

all other men - at best - they can say maybe, let’s see, I do want kids, it’s not like I never want kids, etc…especially if they haven’t considered a child coming up so fast in their life, they need time

but when a man is not ready to commit to a child at the moment you meet him, it is highly unlikely a 6 months lust and enjoying your company and appreciating your qualities will make him want to be a dad after. It’s more likely you are to fall in love with him than him with you.

with this approach and falling so quickly in love you are setting yourself up for disappointment

InterIgnis · 11/09/2024 13:58

TammyJones · 11/09/2024 13:47

@InterIgnis
Sorry.
Well maybe not an 'idiot'
And in my example he had a child not the gf.
I meant , I , personally would have know way before 6 months the relationship was going nowhere.

If he really liked OP I can see him waiting, hoping that perhaps any reticence was just nerves and that it would work out, but realising at the proverbial crunch time that it wouldn’t be right for him to continue and meet her child.

If he was stringing her along and just using her then that’s something he could have done even with meeting her kid.

Gummybear23 · 11/09/2024 13:58

Appleandbologna · 11/09/2024 12:09

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

He is not interested anymore.

Just an excuse.

Starlight1979 · 11/09/2024 14:03

Gummybear23 · 11/09/2024 13:58

He is not interested anymore.

Just an excuse.

Show quote history

Or he's telling the truth. But regardless, it's completely irrelevant!

He's ended a relationship after 6 months - there is nothing wrong with that!

CristinaNov182 · 11/09/2024 14:03

men who are not ready at the moment you meet them might take years before they are ready, or might never be or decide they actually don’t want any kids.

and this is about having their own kids, being a stepdad is a greater ask altogether and higher chances a man who is not ready when you meet him (bc he already has kids or wants one in the near future) will bolt

you have to realise how great is your ask for a guy who is just at the “let’s try and see” stage. That stage has nothing to do with having a family soon.

RedToothBrush · 11/09/2024 14:12

Maybe the reality simply crept up on his and it was a deal breaker. He may have had doubts but decided to give the benefit of the doubt and try but it wasn't enough.

It's reasonable enough.

Gummybear23 · 11/09/2024 14:14

He has changed his mind.
He is allowed to do that.
He didn't lie or string you along with false hopes.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 11/09/2024 14:22

I think you want to get rid of this one anyway and definitely before he meets your kid, from what I'm understanding he's trying to manipulate boundaries
'He would want to be a parental figure sooner then what you said but he's not sure he's ready ' I think he wanted you to begin steps to move him in. Either that or he's lost interest

Spirallingdownwards · 11/09/2024 14:49

You can't bemoan the fact he didn't try with her because he didn't meet her.

You had the no meeting rule. It seems to me its good he called it off before he did.

ABirdsEyeView · 11/09/2024 15:31

Look, you thought the relationship was going one way and he's essentially pulled the rug out from underneath you, which makes you doubt everything you thought you knew. It's normal to feel confused by that.

But in the end it doesn't matter what the reason is - he's either got cold feet now the reality is approaching, or he's just not that into you and wants out before your child is in the mix.
He has a right to call time for any reason. When there's a child involved no one has the luxury of just seeing how it all goes for a few years - they have to take that child's feelings into account. If he's not 100% sure, it's best he goes now.

You're all over the place because it's a shock to you but don't chase him for explanations - I do think that if he really wanted to be with you he would be. If he has doubts then you're better off without him even if it doesn't feel like that now

betterangels · 11/09/2024 15:38

He hasn't done anything wrong. Better now than later. Dating doesn't always work out.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 11/09/2024 15:47

If I've understood it right you want him to be in a committed relationship for 6 months before even meeting her so at least 12 months of dating, then another 6 months before mentioning he's a boyfriend. Look I'm all for taking time but you can't ask someone to make a commitment without even meeting your dd so how committed did you want him to be before meeting?

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 11/09/2024 15:58

The only way he would be unreasonable here is if the very next person he dates after you also has a child.

If he says that on reflection he doesn't want to take it on, then he doesn't want to take it on. You're allowed to be disappointed of course, but he is still entitled to change his mind as it starts to sink in.

eggandchip · 11/09/2024 16:00

I wont date a man with kids even if hes the best man in the world no thank you.
But i do think you should let him go.

Greystrie · 11/09/2024 16:18

The only way he would be unreasonable here is if the very next person he dates after you also has a child

He absolutely would not be. The dynamic/set up with another person with a child could be a completely different

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 11/09/2024 16:22

Greystrie · 11/09/2024 16:18

The only way he would be unreasonable here is if the very next person he dates after you also has a child

He absolutely would not be. The dynamic/set up with another person with a child could be a completely different

Yeah ok I'd agree with that!

TwistedWonder · 11/09/2024 16:32

Greystrie · 11/09/2024 16:18

The only way he would be unreasonable here is if the very next person he dates after you also has a child

He absolutely would not be. The dynamic/set up with another person with a child could be a completely different

Agree. And maybe 1/2/5/10 years down the line he’ll be in a place where he’s ready to be a potential step father and the circumstances at the time work for all parties.

DaisyChain505 · 11/09/2024 16:33

Taking on someone else’s child is no joke and especially as a man In the situation the child is going to be around a lot seeing as you’re the mother and in most cases the children are with the mother alot more than the father so it’s not like he just has to put up with your child visiting every other weekend.

he may have thought he was ok with it but reality has now settled in and it’s not what he wants. You need to accept that.

imamum66 · 11/09/2024 16:34

Look OP, something very similar happened to me. Thought I'd found an amazing man, totally in love, felt like a movie it was so wonderful. He knew I had children and was okay with that.

But he changed his mind. He ended it and said didn't think someone with children was for him.

At first I was like you- so hurt and confused. He always knew I had kids after all!

And it's natural to be hurt and confused. Especially if he was like my guy who was giving it the big ones about me being the love of his life, all future bullsh*t.

But as others have said. He's allowed to change his mind. People change their mind about relationships and lots of other things all the time.

Maybe at the time he said it, he meant it. Or thought he did.

Maybe reality set it and he realised it's not for him.

Maybe it's not the kids at all, and it's something else and this is an easy exit for him.

Not to be blunt, but maybe he's lost feelings/ or doesn't like you as much as he did at the start. Happens a lot. Nothing to do with you, just the way it is sometimes.

Thing is- you'll never properly know. You could keep at him for an answer but it may not make you feel better/you may not get the answer you want.

It could just be he said a lot of things, that he thought he meant at the time. A lot of people do unfortunately at the start of exiting new relationships.

As hard as it is, and as hurt as you may be. You can't convince him into it. He's told you it's done.

The best thing you can do is hold your head up high, he's done you and your child a favour in the long run.

You will be hurting but you will start to feel better with time.

Opentooffers · 11/09/2024 16:47

You've both been enjoying the early stages of dating, and he's probably been more living in the moment than planning ahead as he's not the one with a child to think of. As the 6 month mark approaches it's normal to consider where things are going. Unfortunately, in this case, thinking about the future with you child has him running scared. I doubt he was quite as into you as you thought. He was enjoying the carefree stage but doesn't want to commit. Has he met your friends and family yet or been avoiding that too? If he hasn't met other significant people in your life either, it's a sure sign that he is a commitment-phobe in a general sense and is getting out now before it gets more serious. This could of happened whether you had a child or not. What's his relationship history like? Has he had quite a few short term things.
You will carry on after licking your wounds for a while, 6 months isn't that long and it's just as well he's not wasting your time further.

northernlight20 · 11/09/2024 17:01

@Appleandbologna all this angst over a 6month relationship. Accept it, block and move on. Don’t do the pick me dance and get on with your life. Plenty other men out there who won’t mind that you have a child. And I say this as one who remarried last year as a mother of 4.

Pinkbonbon · 11/09/2024 17:01

It sounds like he does by want to ever be your kids father figure. And he already knows this.

Alternatively, its worth noting that this kickback appears to hard arisen when you've told him it'll be a while until you'll let him get close to your child. The estimate is that 1 in 20 men are paedophilies (only fancy kids) and as high as 1 in 5 men can be attracted to children!

So just a heads up about anyone who seemed really into you as a single mum that loses interest when told they won't have child access...

One of the police guys in a programme about it was saying on the dark Web these men chat about how to spend the first 6 months focusing solely on making the mother feel loved up and safe with you.

Hopefully it's not that but, be aware.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/09/2024 18:00

Maybe having a timetable for your relationship works for you but not for him. Maybe he just wants to go on dating for a year or two without a set schedule. Maybe he wants his own DC but yours is another matter- not everyone can see themselves as a happy step parent. Unless he wants to talk abut this and be ruthlessly honest I think I'd give this one a miss