He broke up with me because I have a kid that he knew about the whole 6 months we were together

[Appleandbologna]

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past six months and everything has been going absolutely great. We made sure to have the talk early on about expectations and everything since I have a child and he doesn’t and he told me that he’s never been around kids before, but me having a child isn’t a problem for him whatsoever For the past six months everything has been great and has treated me the best. I’ve been treated in a while and I’ve been nothing but good to him and he truly cares about me and has super strong feelings for me. Well, out of nowhere, he told me that the only thing stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I have a child and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that responsibility yet but the part that confuses me is I explained from what my expectations were and how I wanted to go about things I have a rule that I have to be with somebody for six months in committed relationship before they introduced to my child and at that time they would be introduced as a friend and he has been aware of that from beginning and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability. Well, he broke it off with me because he told me that even though he knows that I wouldn’t expect him to be a parental figure That he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t think he’s ready for that and I want to say I completely understand if someone children, but that’s some thing you should know from the beginning and I was told for the last six months it wasn’t a problem and then it was fine and he hasn’t even met my child yet so he doesn’t even know how he would react around my child or how it would go it’s just all the what if along the lines of what he cares for her like family and she doesn’t look at him the same way he doesn’t know how to handle being around a kid because he’s never been around a kid and my response was of course you’re not gonna know until you try, but you never even tried. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy for being confused on how it went from. He’s OK with it. And he was relieved that I didn’t want him to be a father figure right off the back because that want nowadays, but I want to build that relationship and want my child to build that relationship on their own he told me that he has super strong feelings for me and everything is good otherwise but that’s the one thing that kept him from going the next step and I’m not why that would stop him if he truly cared about me and if he knew I wasn’t ready for him to meet my child anyway to me there’s other reasons behind it. I guess the way I look at it too is that how do you know if you’re ready for some thing if you didn’t even try instead he scared himself away with it with thoughts in the future and he told me before that he wants kids it just feels like he doesn’t want my kid. and honestly, I’m completely heartbroken because I do love this man. We’ve been through a lot within the last six months. We have amazing times together every single time we’re together and he’s even said that too so I’m not understanding what the big problem is with me having a kid unless he really just didn’t want to meet my kid because he’s around other peoples kids all the time, I guess I’m just looking for points of view from anyone because it just doesn’t make sense to me like I said how you go from. It’s completely OK you’ve known I have a kid from the beginning. We spend six months together we’ve been through a lot, we developed feelings for each other really strong feelings for him to turn around and say that he’s not ready for some thing that would come years from now , and say that he would want to do it sooner than that and he doesn’t know if he can even though I told him I didn’t expect him to play daddy to my child

That makes no sense. If he’s not ready to be a parental figure, why would he want to do it sooner than planned?
Anyway it’s better that you didn’t introduce him to your child and you’ve dodged a bullet. All you can do is be upfront and some people will decide it’s not for them and others will be happy to be involved in your DC’s life. He’s done you a favour.

I mean, this is why you have your six month rule isn’t it? So that if they flake your kid isn’t affected. Whatever his reason, he’s made his choice so save him goodbye I guess. I know it’s disappointing.

It honestly is because even before we started seeing eachother I explained how I felt about things. This is the last thing I thought he would break things off over. Especially after asking me on a road trip for this weekend. Like it’s okay if me having a kid isn’t for him but he’s know for 8 months total. We talked for 2 months before we even went out and have been only seeing eachother for 6 months. Talk every single day and spend the weekends together for the past 6 months. One of the things that do bother me is he always gave me advice and he always told me that I wouldn’t know how I would handle something unless I and that he would never say he couldn’t handle something unless he tried, but then he never even tried to meet my kid and he wouldn’t even be meeting my kid for another six months. Like I understand his feelings of where he said he’s worried he would love her like family and she wouldn’t look at him that way and all this other stuff to me that’s all stuff like in the future. He’s worrying about things that take years down the road instead of worrying about right now.

Op, he changed his mind. It doesn't matter what he said before.

That’s what I’m saying! That’s why I’m so confused because I don’t expect certain things right off the bat I believe that relationships need to develop on their own and I never want someone to feel forced and feel like they have to be there and he told me when he brought it up months ago that he was really relieved that I didn’t expect him to be that parental figure right off the bat because that’s what a lot of people want nowadays And now he’s telling me that the reason he’s breaking off is because that’s what he would want to do right off the bat

My six month rule starts when I’m in a relationship him and I have just only been seeing each other for the past six months. There has been no discussion of us being in a relationship the way I look at it is I want to be in a relationship with someone, see how it works with then for six months and see if I see a long-term thing with that person and if so, then I would introduce him as a friend and then after that and so forth, but still six months away to me it seems like he thought of all these things and scenarios in his head and that’s what scared him away from being OK with the fact, I had a child to all of a sudden he’s breaking it off because he’s not ready to be a parental figure and he knows that’s what he would want to be like if that’s what he wants to be that’s his choice.

Has it not occurred to you that he's just talking shit? He's changed his mind and is saying whatever he thinks is the best excuse to end it. Maybe he's found someone else. It really doesn't matter.

There's a big difference between the idea of dating someone with a child and the actual reality of it.

I never thought I'd find it problematic until I tried it and tbh, I absolutely hated it and I'd never do it again. But there would have been no way of me knowing that without at least giving it a go.

At the end of the day, people can end relationships for any reason they like.

And it’s completely OK if he changed his mind and didn’t want to be with me it’s the fact that he’s sitting there and telling me that the reason he doesn’t is because I have a child and it’s not just because of that it’s because of the fact that he’s scared to meet her because He’s not ready to be a parental figure even though I told him that’s not what I wanted right away that comes with marriage in my eyes. I wouldn’t expect anyone to take full responsibility of my child right away and he would always sit there and tell me that I would never know unless I tried something and that he’s not the kind of person to just walk away without trying And seeing if he can do something, but that’s exactly what he did and it’s so confusing to me too because he did this all over text messages so like I was confused the entire time because it wasn’t making any sense to me the way he was wording it like he didn’t wanna continue things with me. That’s fine, but telling me it’s because of the reason it is telling me that he really cares about me and has super strong feelings for me and that he’s crying and it hurts him to break things off because he wanted a future with me but the only thing stopping him is my child is really hurtful and I don’t understand, everything else be great and you never even met my child but that scared you away because you’re worried that you’re gonna care for her and you’re not ready for that yet and I should probably note that he’s almost 30 years old

OP this is about him not you and your child. Despite him wanting to be ready now it’s becoming a reality hrs realised that he really isn’t and he’s done the right thing for all of you.

Its understandable you’re feeling hurt but keeping going round in circles if he said this he said that won’t change how he feels.

Hes got cold feet - that’s the reality. And at ‘almost 30’ he’s still quite young to be looking at the reality of being a step father

I would be confused too. You set your expectations early on, but now he’s saying he’d want to be a parent figure, but he isn’t ready for that, but no one expects him to anyway. He hasn’t even met your child yet and this stinks of not having any clue about kids - most single parents don’t want their bf/gf to parent their children early on or sometimes ever. Whether it’s just an excuse or he’s being genuine, it’s better you know now that he’s not willing or able to have a relationship involving children

OP, with the greatest of respects, you're just repeating yourself over and over again. Whatever his reasons, he has decided that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He is allowed to make that decision. That's what happens when you are dating. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

You need to move on.

It's ok for him to think he's OK with you having a child and then when reality hits changing his mind

If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be concerned about you having a child. I disagree. In fact that is a dangerous road to go down. You only have to look at the step parenting board to see how hard it is to take on someone else’s children. Frankly if more people considered the realities before committing the better it would be.

I also think it’s unreasonable to start laying down the law so exactly. If you stayed together then it’s not realistic to expect him to have no kind of parenting role with a child he could be living with full time.

This!!!

That’s the thing he never gave it a try him and I have been going out for six months, but he never even tried to meet my kid or anything like I told him if he would’ve met her and then decided that he couldn’t do it then I would understand because that means he at least tried and he realized after trying that that’s not what he wanted that’s understandable completely because I understand kids aren’t for everyone, but how is he supposed to know if he was able to handle it or not without trying because we’ve been seeing each other for six months and me having a kid never affected anything. She’s eight years old. It’s not like I have a little baby running around, she goes places weekend she goes and stays with friends like she has her own life. It’s not like he would be stuck with her 24 seven and I don’t mean that in a bad way I don’t know he was relieved. I didn’t want him to take responsibility right away to the reason he wants to break things off is because he would want to take responsibility right away like to me if somebody would want to take responsibility that’s supposed to be a good thing. That’s not supposed to be a reason to break things off if you meet the child and you realize you’re not good with kids or you’re uncomfortable or it doesn’t work out like you thought it was going to those are valid reasons to me.

Exactly! @Appleandbologna would you have preferred it if he had met your child a few times, they had gotten attached to him and then he decided he couldn't do it?! Surely it's far better he tells you now before you introduce him to your child and they form a relationship?!

And yes, I thought about that as well, and I am going to say the same thing. I told him if it got to that point then that’s something that we would worry about at that point I didn’t want him to feel like he had to take responsibility right off the bat because having a child is a lot, especially for someone who doesn’t have a child and then they get into a relationship with someone who has an eight year old like it’s different and I understand that I let him know that if it got to that point where in our relationship he wanted to have a say and things then we would sit down and talk about it, but I don’t look at things the way most people do nowadays people automatically move in together and play house and I don’t mean that in a rude way, but that’s not what I wanted and when we had to talk, we were on the same page that we wanted to see how we would do and get to know each other. If things worked out we would’ve gotten into a relationship and this is all what he said, and then I let him know that after being committed for six months that’s when I would want him to meet.

@Appleandbologna I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. I have two children from a previous marriage and my boyfriend knew the whole way and said it didn't bother him but he was always abit worried he wouldn't be good enough for us as he didn't have children or experience with kids. I was always waiting till we had been together for a year to introduce them anyways and had said the same thing about him not being expected to step in as their dad as they already have one. 7 months into the relationship out of nowhere, he broke up with me because it was all getting too much and be didn't feel he was adequate enough. For 2 days I was absolutely heartbroken and then he called me devastated and promised he would commit and it was never personal or about the kids. More so how he would support us. We got back together and waited till we were 14 months into the relationship and he was completely ready to be introduced and now we have been together 2.5 years and he is so hands on and amazing with the kids and has stepped up more than I had ever expected. I don't want to give you any false hope just to say whether he sticks to his decision or not. Don't feel like you are less worthy because you already have children. He knew what the deal was when he started seeing you and it will be his issue deep down rather than a reflection on you. Really hope your OK x

and then after 9 to 12 months I would introduce them as a boyfriend because relationships that last that provide more stability.

I told him if he would’ve met her and then decided that he couldn’t do it then I would understand because that means he at least tried

You know that your posts totally contradict each other OP, don't you?

No, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to get attached. What I wanted was at least for someone to try because I know that if I didn’t have a child and I was talking to someone who had a child and I told them I was OK with the fact they had a child and everything else was going well and I wanted to be with this person that I would at least meet the child at least one time and see how I felt about being around that child before I made a decision, not saying he was introduced or would be introduced as a boyfriend he would’ve been introduced as a friend and I don’t think that’s bad at all like, how do you know you can handle something? If you don’t try it I feel like that goes for anything not just the situation.

OP I suspect that if he’d ended it after meeting her you be here here saying that he’d rejected your child.

I’m talking to text. I’m trying to get ready for work. What part is contradicting itself like I’m confused because yes, I have the rule of 9 to 12 months to introduce significant other as a significant other, I don’t know how that’s contradicting because I wanted to introduce them to each other to see if they even got along. I wouldn’t wanna be with somebody for a year and then introduced them to my child and then things not work out.

You’re over thinking this OP. You’ve been dating for 6 months, it’s not long, in that time he has got to know you and he has decided he doesn’t want to take it any further. That’s it. He doesn’t feel the same way you do.

Move on and stop going through every conversation and upsetting yourself.

There will be others. Give yourself some time to get over him. But stop dwelling on it.

this relationship is only 6 months old! thats a lot of stuff for 6 months! he told you from the off he didnt want kids, but clearly was prepared to give it a try and now he's realised and been honest that its actually not what he wants.

thank goodness he did this now instead of 2 or 3 years down the line when the child was involved etc.

these things happen.. move on