Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

My workplace is closely related to the military and police service, hence why so many of our applicants come from there. As I've said, I know what records the military keeps on their employees, because I've seen them. Have a nice day.

Of course you do.

Toodles.

Yes, report him.

I really felt for our neighbour 3 doors down, it was clear for a good 18 months that her husband was cheating on her, we regularly saw him with OW just out walking etc their dogs, but she was in and out of the house. Once they were spotted being intimate. The wife is a teacher. So many people knew it came out after, no one was gossiping no one got involved it was afterwards the wife found out so many of her neighbours and friends knew she was devastated.

I’m not sure though in hindsight if I’d have told her ,I think I would have stayed quiet as I did originally, I didn’t even talk about it to anyone. I’d occasionally mention to my DH that I’d seen OW again at their house, DH said they could just be friends.

Anyway my point being I would have left it, I think she knows what he’s like anyway.

I think after what's happened here with him I would do far more research early on when you meet a man regarding his background, job ect. I would be in no rush to have sex with them.
If he asks for nudes say it's a work phone your using as your own phone is broken.
If you decide to have sex with him ask can you do this at his place? If he is fobbing you off over having sex their it could be a sign that he is hiding something or most importantly a wife or partner.

In regards to nudes I would be very cautious about sending these even with no face as some men store and share these. Then they threaten you with them if they think it will put you in your place.

The reality is that they fail to realise that you can tell the police about him doing this and it can cause problems for them.

If your doing online dating I would use a paid for site or even a dating agency if you want to met a man for a long term relationship. Get involved with groups or organisations and you could meet a man through this.

I know woman who have decided to remain single because they find that online dating is full of married or long term relationship men who want a bit on the side. Then it has men older than you who want a nurse or a woman with money to support them. They made bad decisions for years re drinking, gambling, not looking after their health, not saving, having a few kids with different women ect and now expect a woman to take them on.

I think after what's happened here with him I would do far more research early on when you meet a man regarding his background, job ect. I would be in no rush to have sex with them.
If he asks for nudes say it's a work phone your using as your own phone is broken.
If you decide to have sex with him ask can you do this at his place? If he is fobbing you off over having sex their it could be a sign that he is hiding something or most importantly a wife or partner.

In regards to nudes I would be very cautious about sending these even with no face as some men store and share these. Then they threaten you with them if they think it will put you in your place.

The reality is that they fail to realise that you can tell the police about him doing this and it can cause problems for them.

If your doing online dating I would use a paid for site or even a dating agency if you want to met a man for a long term relationship. Get involved with groups or organisations and you could meet a man through this.

I know woman who have decided to remain single because they find that online dating is full of married or long term relationship men who want a bit on the side. Then it has men older than you who want a nurse or a woman with money to support them. They made bad decisions for years re drinking, gambling, not looking after their health, not saving, having a few kids with different women ect and now expect a woman to take them on.

Ditto this.

He'll receive a very rough justice there.

I found out about my “d”H 12 weeks ago. Yes I’m devastated, yes it’s breaking our family up, no he’s not beaten me senseless, no I’m not going to murder him, and whilst my whole life has fallen apart, no I’m not going to commit suicide. But until women like you stop allowing arseholes like my ex behave as though they are untouchable they’re going to continue thinking they can treat women like myself as second rate citizens. Until women band together to protect ourselves we’re going to continue to have like individuals like Wayne Couzens hiding in plain sight! We need a sisterhood, not an anti sisterhood like you!

This with bells on.

But you judge what other posters say. So you are judging my behaviour on here.
And love to make your point again and again.

It's quite possible to have an opinion on people's actions and choices. They don't have to be universal.

Just think again will you about 'harmless behaviour'.

Sending pics of yourself half naked is not harmless always.
There are risks.

Oh I see. It's my fault men are arseholes!
Jolly good.
Here is a conclusion, please feel free to jump to it

No, firstly not all men are arseholes, secondly we women need to stop enabling the arseholes!

@Fedup46 If possible I would say date through common interests, clubs etc. I know from friends and colleagues it’s a minefield and very difficult unfortunately.

There have been polls on here before and the vast majority of women say they would want to know if their man was cheating, of course some may already know and put up with it / possibly cheat too.
These men often lie and lead double lives, apologise and behave for a bit if found out. There are some good men out there, but it’s finding the buggers.

Yup and if those are anyway near the stats then many posters here have a dh doing it. You will get ‘oh not my Malcolm’. I believe peace of mind comes from checking devices thoroughly with software. And before anyone says it is an invasion of privacy, that’s the point Einstein

Good point. Men often do tell the OMs wife ( wife of the man their own wife is having an affair with) see it on threads, either as revenge on the OM or to stop the affair.

You think she’s on a mission to expose cheating men? That’s some mental gymnastics going on there, but if she is, good for her. It’s more odd that you seem hell bent on trying to spin a narrative that is victim blaming and trying to undermine her credibility. Are you one of the wives? Or maybe even one of the men?

Yes. My DH! Was shocked I'd looked at his phone when someone told me he was seeing another woman.
He said he didn't feel he had a private life anymore if I looked at his phone.
Bless him - cheating, lying, paying for presents and hotel rooms is not having a separate life, it's having a private life.
Could you share the details of the software please? Just in case I ever pick another rat.

If anyone has ever looked at the surviving infidelity site they always tell you to let the betrayed partner know.
When I lived with someone and discovered he was cheating I was devastated to find out nearly all our mutual friends knew. Not one told me, I was totally unaware I was sleeping with a man who was sleeping with anyone and everyone. And what about my health? He could gave given me an STI.

Aw really sorry x

Checking is more if you are suspicious or the suspicious type.
Well, some years ago my friend needed to check so we conspired, me and her, but it may all be outdated methods - it was a mixture of checking the dns on the router, for sites visited and hooking it up to software don’t remember which but you tether phone to a laptop, it will be on Google or another poster will come along. I tried it myself at the time, maintt you if curiosity but yes, you never know! found nothing and repeated it a few months after and then a year later. I would do it again if I felt ill at ease. I would have someone followed too tbh!!

So, the way to find love and monogamy is absolutely not to not send intimate pics to someone you hardly know. Any man asking for them is waving a big red flag and has already put you in a box marked objectification, not GF material.
Good luck finding what you want with that approach.

Ridiculous, nasty post.

There's a girl I've only met once at my exDH best friends barbeque. She is engaged to the nephew of the best friend.

I know from my ex that the nephew fucks everything that walks. He has sex with other girls in his fiance's car and their house that SHE is largely responsible for securing, shows off intimate pictures these other women send him with his bruvs to boast about his latest conquest. She apparently caught him once, was convinced it was just one woman and just a few times. Took him back. Got suspicious again. Convinced her it was a ONS. She stays. She has no idea how continuous and profligate it is.

Everyone in the nephews family knows. They all know. They don't condone it, which is how ex knows because his bestie's wife is upset about it, but they know and say nothing. She apparently goes to family social events with them all knowing. I actually felt sick thinking if that was me.

Unfortunately I don't know the woman. I spoke to her briefly once, at the BBQ a few years ago. I didn't know anything then, and am not anywhere within her orbit or could be anymore. But the utter humiliation if she REALLY knew.

Yes by god a woman in this situation should be told by the other woman if they are decent.

I, for one, am certainly NOT blaming the OP.
There's a difference between "blaming" and pointing out risky behaviour so that maybe she will be at less risk in the future. Not blaming.

@ThePrologue · Today 06:22

Well, aren't you a delightful little public service?

You have no right to throw a grenade into people's lives, it is not up to you to tell the wife. Your job is to tell the man you meet OLD, he is a shit if he is married, then to dump him.

Who are you to decide you can break up the family? Yes, hypothetically, in an ideal world, the betrayed wife would want to know, but maybe they don't.

Maybe you devastate their life with your 'news', and they have no support locally. No family or friends to go to, discuss with
She confronts her DH with your news. he beats her senseless...

You tell her your marvellous news, she commits suicide as she is devastated...

You tell her, she murders him...

The ramifications are endless, whereas your glee about your personal crusade is bordering on gratifying, yet you have not considered your actions

Wow, what a reach! Are you a cheating married man by any chance?! 😆

Yep!