Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

@CaptainKiddies · Today 09:09

Please stop posting this rubbish advice.

This is a civil matter not a military matter. IF and its a big IF the police take it forward, they will report to the military.

Well if it's 'rubbish' that the military police/armed forces won't care/won't act on it, then the OP may as well just let them know what a cunt he is. A blackmailing, evil, devious, threatening, cheating cunt.

Did you miss the bit where he was BLACKMAILING the OP?! That is a very serious fucking offence!

I hope he loses everything. His wife, his career, everything. 'He may not be able to give his wife money for the kids' as someone suggested, is a rubbish reason to not report his fat ass.

Report him to the police and the armed forces @Fedup46

@EI12 · Today 07:10

Tips? You are 47. Go offline and meet people in real life, there are so many clubs, activities, etc. Be realistic about biology, a 47-year old man, unfortunately, still a catch, still in his reproductive years, but a woman of 47 is not. Be realistic, adjust your target age group and don't waste your time online, get out there and be active. And be dignified. There should not be any intimate pictures or videos, at any age, for any gender.

LMFAO!!!!!! Spoken like a true middle aged man! 😂

What a load of utter tripe.

Most 47 year old women I know are attractive, smart, intelligent, and fucking gorgeous. Well groomed, pretty, funny, ballsy, and sassy. (In fact most middle aged - and older - women are!)

Most 47 year old men/middle aged and older men, are balding, boring, tedious little farts, with terrible dress sense, a paunch, a massively over inflated ego, and a superiority complex. Also, they think they're funny and witty (they're not,) they think all women fancy them (they don't!) and most of them can't get it up.

'47 year old men are a much better catch than 47 year old women?! ' You're taking the piss mate!!! 😆 The vast majority of middle aged men have NOTHING to offer a woman. As I said, if my husband died - or we split up - there's no WAY I would be arsed with another man. The vast majority of men around my age/my generation (middle aged and older,) are proper duds. I wouldn't waste my time on them.

@Bibi12

She’s a very fit 80 year old lady. My Dad died 6 years ago, I’d say he was unhappy and in poor health for about 10 years before his death.

My Mum is emotionally strong, resilient and it’s not just about finances : she always put us first - so we could go through university etc.

She is a happy lady, has no regrets and has a good life.

But not all of us have the resilience to be able to do that. I didn't want to get married in the first place because I was worried about divorce having been the child of divorced parents that were akin to the Movie "The war of the Roses". But that was an incredibly naive perspective. The marriage element is sort of irrelevant, it's the splitting up that hurts.

I didn't find your post offensive, it was something that worked for your mum and your family, but for every family that stayed together and had it work there are far more cases where the kids would have rather they split and their home life was not toxic. Whilst you don't feel yours was, many many were not and this is a factual statement from research through literature. But when giving advice please remember that your mum was an incredible and rather unique woman and I'm glad she's now probably having the last laugh. Though you might not know that.

@Wills

I do agree. It depends on so many factors.

I found a condom in my Dad’s overnight bag once. He’d lent the bag me, and it was in a secret pocket. He used to travel a lot and have nights away.

I didn’t tell my Mum. Should I have? Should it always be a yes?

I wanted to protect her feelings was my stance. I didn’t want to disrupt my family life.

I don't think you should have. It worked out great for you, but I feel your mum is in the minority. I'm a psychologist and the evidence that staying together for kids is good is very low. There will, of course, always be exceptions and I'm really glad yours was but I think your experience falls into the exception rather than the norm. And thank goodness for you and yes keep telling people about it because otherwise no one will know there are exceptions, but realise that your experience is not a norm.

What old fashioned thinking. She is sleeping with her husband without consenting, because she would not consent if she knew what he was doing. Only informed consent is real consent. She is being potentially exposed to STIs and doesn't know to protect herself. Her marriage is a lie and she doesn't know.
He has ruined the family already. You think cheaters are lovely partners who just happen to cheat? No, they're generally horrible to their partners. Gaslighting runs through every story of being cheated on. It's a given he lies to her by commission and he lies by ommision every minute of every single day.
There is no way that's a healthy, happy family.

"He beats her senseless?" So you're expecting her to not give a potential abuse victim the information she needs which might finally make it clear that she has to leave?

It doesn't matter what OP's motives are. The wife has a right to know. You want her to be denied what she has a right to because of what might happen, when we already know what is happening makes for a wretched existence.

😄 Ah, the pathetic delusions men comfort themselves with.

👏

@Wills

The 20 year old me - who found the condom. I didn’t want my Mum to know. Equally the 10 year old, 30 year old, 40/50 year old - wouldn’t tell her.

My reaction there was the ‘child’ reaction.

I don’t think it’s an unusual reaction.

I think it’s an important one and the reasoning behind it.

As I’ve grew older, my stance didn’t change.

@Wills

I’m so sorry. I didn’t read your other posts. You are right about the second rate citizen - and - no - women shouldn’t allow that to happen.
The only thing I would say is that my Dad was weak. My Mum is dominant. She is first rate.

Have just finished cleaning up after feeding kids. I like to get up to a clean kitchen so have to do this tonight, my “A”H doesn’t.
Anyway, thank you. Each woman has gone on a single journey and it’s bloody hard not to pick holes but the phrase “walk a day in my shoes” sings out.
For me I need to find out if it would be better to let things drag along or tackle issues now. Hence my post. Is there a benefit to simply separating.?

Sorry to hear you're a member of this club.
To know that somebody is being abused, and you could potentially set her free just by giving her information, yet to do nothing, is unconscionable in my book. As you say, you can do it anonymously if you don't want the cheater to know it was you. There really is no valid excuse IMO.

Absolutely! This needs to be defacto

Ugh! I'm sorry that happened to you love.

My husband did this to me (after we had a stillbirth and I nearly died). I wish someone had told me and sent me screenshots. I would have avoided a lot of pain and left him much earlier.

Not a wife, not a man. Just a bit horrified that others don’t see what I see. it’s one thing to be a victim of these scummy men, it’s quite another to go looking for it so that you can brag on an internet forum about how grateful the wives were when OP told them. She sent naked photos. She let him know where she lived. She has a child who she failed to protect. Does no-one else see this ? Really ?

@Wills

Yes - you did the kitchen because you are first rate. You didn’t do what he did because you are first rate.

And now he‘s left you with a huge pile of crap to deal with, which you will deal with in the best way possible because you are first rate.

I think whatever you decide to do, you will be right. My previous posting were purely anecdotal - and you’ll work out what’s best for your particular situation.

This is misogynistic "negging" bullshit meant to make women feel even worse about aging than they already do, but you're probably already aware of that and that's why you posted it.
Most 47 year old men have a belly out to here and are losing hair rapidly, whereas most 47 year old women try to get in shape if they plan to date. They almost always look better than men in their age group.
It is a total sexist myth that men age better than women. The reverse is true, because women tend to take better care of their health.

What an odd thing to say. There is not need to feel bad about aging - it is normal to age. What is not normal is to pretend that a woman of 47 is 'still hot'. I am talking biology - a woman of 47 is past her reproductive function whilst a man is not. Is it so difficult to grasp? The whole dating, i.e sex thing is tied, no, not tied, it is welded to biology. Biology in this respect means reproduction and all the attributes of it, which 47 is not a part of. It does not matter if a man has a belly, if he is losing his hair, the main thing is that he is functional, unlike his female contemporary. I really do not understand what is wrong with being realistic and biologically objective. There is a time for everything, I am afraid, surely it is obvious. I am not saying that one can't find companionship or friendship or partnership at this age.

So your beef is that she went online, dated somebody and trusted him to be a decent person, just like anybody who dates somebody has to do, otherwise they can't date at all.
Your theory is that constitutes "looking for" a married man to entrap just so she could brag on MN?
Your other claim is that she somehow endangered her child by sending nudies to a man she was dating and letting him know where she lived? Please tell us how you date somebody for any length of time without letting him know where you live. Tell us how sending nudes affects the child. You have the floor. Explain.

Nobody sees what you see because it's utterly delusional.

😂😂 what the actual..

You're not age shaming, you're just telling women they are ugly in their 40s.🙄

No, dating in your 40s, if you don't intend to have more children, has nothing to do with reproduction.
Humans, especially at middle age, date who they date mostly for emotional reasons. We aren't just robots driven by biological imperative. See; evolution.
You are aware that differ from other primates in some key ways, yes?

I do wish someone had told me. My cheating ex was in a gay relationship for the last 6 years of our 30 year marriage. It turned out that quite a few so called friends had guessed but not one of them said anything. Brava OP!

STD- Dishonourable discharge , possibly!