Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

I guess it depends on who the CO of the unit is. I have spoken to a couple of people whose spouses did get a dishonorable discharge for serial cheating. It made things difficult on the base, because they were fucking other military men's wives. You can imagine how that would cause all kinds of trouble.

Yes, of course your ex is still cheating. Sorry you went through all that. You're better off now and I wouldn't concern myself with what he is up to. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

@EI12 What on EARTH are you banging on about?!

Middle aged and older women look better than men of the same age. AND are a much better catch. End of.

The vast majority of middle aged and older men have fuck-all to offer any woman. They lose their looks rapidly after their early 40s,, they're boring and unfunny, they're baldy and flabby, they're a waste of space, and they're shit in bed.

The fact men can still keep shooting their load is neither here nor there. They still have 50+ year old dicks and old sperm. They can fucking keep it! 😆

.

Most dating websites advise not to disclose where you live until you have got to know the person over time. Most responsible mothers wouldn’t bring someone they had met on the internet and had only known for six weeks, back to a home they shared with their child, and would consider the child before engaging in the kind of risky behaviour OP has.

Six weeks is nothing. Most of the single mothers I know keep their dating partners well away from their children until they know that the relationship is going somewhere. And that’s the standard advice on MN - keep your boyfriend away from your child until you’re sure the relationship is for real.

And having been on dating websites in the past I realise that this type of men trawl them. Even so, four men out of a dating pool of six who are married scumbags is difficult to believe. It smacks of a mission. If you have a child, you do your research at the beginning of the dating process - you don’t wait until you have suspicions. That’s not going to end well for anyone - least of all the wives the OP is so hell bent on telling, despite the fact that she knows little about these men, or whether they are likely to react violently to their wives when they are confronted.

We were together over 30 years and I was faithful the whole time. That's longer than the upper limit of the dormancy period for HPV. I would have had it before that if it was from anyone I was with before him. So yeah, it was unquestionably him.

B.I.N.G.O.

If they say anything, they say not to disclose to somebody you only know online.
Once you have met and are dating regularly, how silly would it be to refuse to give him your address?
The people you know (probably fictional) are fucking lunatics if they hide their address for months on end from the guy they are dating. It's paranoid behavior. When do they tell him, FFS? Do they wait for him to propose first? 🙄

I suspect you are saying these irrational things because you are desperate to blame a woman for this somehow. Just stop.

Yeah, I know people whose husbands were secretly gay and they had no idea. It adds to the betrayal to know you were used as a beard. I am so sorry.

He threatened to blackmail you with revenge porn which is now against the law. I hope the idiot sent it in writing. Please go to the police and tell his wife. Go to the police and report him for the threat.

Good for you! Having been on the other side of this with my STBXH, who is also in the armed forces, I wish someone had told me. I found out myself that he was a serial cheat and for the whole 16 years that we were together. He also used to tell me that he couldn’t tag or put pictures of me on his social media as he was trying to protect me and our DC’s. It was all bs of course. He used to pause his social media accounts when he was away (or telling me he was away) but I found out that he had several other profiles with different names that he used. Personally, I think not having any Social Media can be a red flag these days.

It absolutely does not. Five is nowhere near a large enough sample size for a pattern to develop.
That's why statistics aren't based on tiny sample sizes- because they don't show a pattern, so they are statistically meaningless.

Not desperate at all. Just once again aghast at the double standards on MN. And the dating websites I’ve been on have all advised meeting up in public places, making sure someone knows where you are and absolutely not disclosing where you live until you’re sure the person is above board. If you have a child, knowing someone for six weeks before bringing them home to where that child lives is bloody irresponsible. As OP found out to her cost when this man turned nasty.

There are no double standards here but yours. You blame her instead of the prick who did this to her. He gets off scott free while you slut-shame her about her sexual behaviour, even going so far as to claim she endangered her child just by dating.
Appalling.

If she brought a man she’d only known for six weeks back to the home she shared with the child, you bet l think she endangered that child. Borne out by what she subsequently discovered about him and the fact that he turned nasty when she threatened to tell his wife.

Queen!!! 🙌🏼

What world are you living in?

Loads of women in their 40's are gorgeous. I was, and I was pursued by lots of men. And women. Not that I was interested - happily married.

I think you accidentally blamed her vs him?

But she didn’t? How funny!

@EI12 The prize specimen men might still be fertile at 47, but the odds on them being attractive enough or able to maintain an erection long enough to impregnate anyone are ever decreasing.

Women may not be fertile as they get older but thanks to HRT and the freedom from unwanted pregnancy very often go on to have much better sex.

The fact that that sex is often with younger men rather than the Rab C Nesbit shaped Romeos you think are out there swinging their on the blink dicks like prizes at younger women, is not a coincidence.

Wow! I'm catching up on the posters on my original post.. I'm still navigating my way through it and will get round to each message...at this point I'm slightly shocked by some responses!

For clarity on what I've picked up so far...my daughter is 17 ..I said single mum.. not referencing a child!

I guess I can expect an element of trolling and please just know it will be disregarded after I scroll down further.

Thank you to the women who have supported me and my original point...to those who have missed the point and getting carried away by slut shaming me for any very cropped and tasteful pictures I have shared or made completely unfounded claims I brought him into my home (never once did he enter... just picked me up from the end of my road once), or quite definitely didn't read the full thread and just jumped on a response without informing themselves please don't expect a reply.... such a shame the only point I wanted to share was missed.

Then I guess you have problems. It's not reasonable to expect other people to be equally paranoid. In order to date, you need to have basic trust in others. It doesn't work any other way. That's the reality.

What happened doesn't bear out what you say at all. There is a thread in relationships you should check out. A woman was dating a man for three years and he was great the whole time. One day, he brutally raped her.
No way to see it coming. Check out the thousands of other threads from women in long term relationships, even marriages lasting decades, who had no idea who the man really was because he hid it so well.
I was in one of those marriages myself, so I know from bitter experience whereof I speak.
The unfortunate truth is that you cannot protect yourself from con artists with a simplistic rules about when you should start to trust a man you are dating enough to let him be around your family.

You also didn't answer my question about how long that waiting period should be, which to me underscores that you really have no idea what you're talking about and are just throwing accusations at the OP for personal reasons, which are actually about the photos, not the length of time she had been dating him. You just don't approve of women being too sexually "loose." You can deny it all day and it won't make an iota of difference. You are slut-shaming her, and you're cruelly using her child to do it.

DotAndCarryOne2

You are absolutely factually wrong in your post!???

DefyingGravitas .. thank you ❤️ - this is totally bonkers how so many comments are just so redundant of the facts I shared - mind blown 😰

Ignore the internalized misogyny of some of these messed up folks, OP. It's just the usual tired victim blaming.
There would be nothing wrong in letting him visit you at your home. That's what people who are dating do. It's ludicrous to think you should be afraid to be at your home with a guy, but somehow not afraid to go on dates with him and (presumably) have sex with him. Without the ability to trust there's no point in dating at all. It's always a leap of faith.

Thank you love - I'm struggling to keep up with the tangent some responses are heading!

Love this - thank you ❤️

There are some nutters on here these days. At least if they’re going to be misogynistic and / or handmaidens they could get their facts right 😆