Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

All these paragons who have never sent a nude pic or knowingly encountered a married man on a dating app - your medal is in the post.

I don’t send nude pics. I am deeply suspicious of men online being who they say they are. I research. I do all the ‘right’ things and have still found myself dating married men pretending to be single.

As always on this site, when men’s behaviour is repeatedly found to be dubious, and in the case of threatening revenge porn, illegal, there will be a chorus of ‘but you must be to blame for this’ from other women.

It fits with the narrative discussed on one of the threads about the French rape case - the good woman and the nice guy. Good women follow the rules the nice guys set and think that keeps them safe from things like cheating, violence or social judgement and gives them the right to criticise women who step outside the ‘good woman’ box. It doesn’t.

I see it too. There are a lot of married men on dating sites happy to cheat on their wives and deceive unsuspecting single women.

There are things OP could do to keepherself and her child safe, but until she starts signing married men up to dating sites, the rest is really not on her.

I remember being in my early twenties and single. Two of my friends were with squaddies. On a night out one of them said he could fix me up easily with a squaddie, his mate agreed. Shudder. I didn’t snort with laughter, I politely declined, but dear god I’m glad I was switched on enough to know that this was not my future. Both my friends husbands turned out to be awful. One was coercive, controlling and abusive. The other had multiple affairs.

I’m so glad most people don’t think like you.

Imagine a world where cheating, lying and threatening behaviour was never exposed through fear.

I wonder about the motives of posters like this.

You learn useful stuff on MN. Thanks for this. I'll defo avoid.

Sorry, no. I used to work in a team processing new applicants for my place of work and we had a lot of ex-military. Their own vetting teams absolutely keep a record of behaviour like this and would tell us about it.

In my own workplace, you'd immediately be suspended and investigated in these circumstances and if it was upheld you'd be dismissed. The military lets them get away with more, but it still gets recorded.

This diatribe really isn’t necessary. Not sending nude photos to a man you barely know and don’t trust isn’t a matter of virtue or medal-winning, it’s common sense and self-preservation.

Wow, that’s really unsavoury to compare that dreadful case to posters simply suggesting the OP could have a bit more awareness about her online safety.

Tell his wife, what married woman would not want to know this information? He can't leak your photos anyway as it's a criminal offence, tell him you will be straight down the police station and then he will be short of a wife and be on the sex offenders register.

Ideas about what's right or wrong are not universal and change over time.
For me saying to another woman that her harmless behaviour is "not normal " and it "cheapens her " ( funny men never get cheapened, only women) is wrong and unnecessarly nasty. There is no other poster who put it that way. There are some who said it was "risky", which is fine and completely different to what you said.

I'm just another stranger on Internet that's why I don't judge people's private preferences as "not normal " or "tacky". It's not my place.

And OP didn't post because of the pictures she sent. She can't be blackmailed with random pictures of faceless boobs anyway. She posted asking people's opinion on informing cheated partner about the affair.

I agree with that though presumably there is no proof he threatened the op about the pictures. Nevertheless, the police will make note of it in case he tries it again.

The man's poor wife does need to know in this case, he is not a very savoury character, frankly. However please be prepared, op, for her already knowing and doesn't care as long as he pays bills and steps up with the children & other things. She may even have a 'private life'. It is amazing how often that is the case.

I am sorry you have gone through this, more than once. You must protect yourself and take action with this sleaze-ball, not out of vindictiveness but because it is right. People like him must be stopped, they do so much harm.

Better luck in the future, please learn to protect yourself and, for now, nurture yourself. x

47 and sending pornographic photos and videos to a man you barely know.

Christ. When did standards drop so much?

Just bloody walk away. You're getting FAR too much attention from this whole thing. You're not so bloody classy yourself.

Also, walk away to keep yourself safe. Seriously. Give your head a wobble.

And stop going out begging for men. Work on your long game.

I think you did the right thing, especially as you approached her sensitively and with care. Honestly, having been a victim in a church myself (not sexual but emotionally and financially) I have met many a man who abused their senior position to control and manipulate members of the church. It took years to realise what was happening wasn't ok and two years of intense therapy thereafter. Given his behaviour towards you, it's not unreasonable to think he is not safe to be in this position of trust

All these paragons who have never sent a nude pic or knowingly encountered a married man on a dating app - your medal is in the post

No medal required.
It's basic boundaries and common sense

The Op is bemoaning these dreadful arrogant men, she noted early red flags and sent nudes after 6 weeks
Online dating is a cesspit
Keep your own boundaries, dont expect these men to do it for you

Exposing is right when it's done with good intentions. Too many women do it for revenge and or in the hope it will force him to leave. It's not just about the wife - if they have children blowing up the marriage mat not be in their best interests.

She's right. It's actually embarrassing how many women on this thread think her behaviour is either a. ok or b. normal.

He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

Perhaps you should also be warning women not to send intimate photos with a guy you met online and you’ve only known for 6 weeks!

FWIW I do think the partners should be told - but only if it’s for the right reasons.

So many threads on here are from scorned women who want to ruin the relationship either to try and make him suffer or hope that the wife will kick him out and he’ll automatically go with the OP.

I'm 46 and I always share nudes in relationships or FWB situations, just because it's not YOUR thing, please don't try to shame other people. (Not that I imagine OP feels shame about it, and quite rightly so)

Sending nudes is fine but not to someone who you’ve only known for 6 weeks and didn’t even realise he was married living with his wife.

Your workplace is irrelevant to how the military operates. So not pertinent to this situation in the slightest.

He's not applying for a new job and any accusation like this is unlikely to impact his career in the military unless it is upheld by a criminal conviction, which is very unlikely. It may be recorded but will not prevent him from serving.

You clearly have no idea about the internal processes of the military so please don't embarrass yourself further.

I don't do pics and vids, but the OP finds them empowering and to each his own 🤷🏾‍♀️.

The bit I find funny is this:

Be realistic about biology, a 47-year old man, unfortunately, still a catch, still in his reproductive years, but a woman of 47 is not.

I see 47yo men chasing 47yo women all day long. This foolishness that women are not attracting men after a certain age is not something that bears out around me.

That’s why it’s not a good idea to do it to my mind. Men can be fucking dangerous and I wouldn’t want to be routinely ruining the life of men who turn dark when exposed as liars and cheats.

@AtYourOwnRisk common sense for how you live your life.

Do you realise by stating things like that you are still saying it will be a woman’s fault more than a man’s if he chooses to publish those pictures?

And what you call diatribe other people might call sharing an opinion, and in this case based on experience. Do you also think women shouldn’t have those if they don’t adhere to what you deem the right and sensible behaviour first?

The behaviour and tone policing would be better directed elsewhere.

If the Armed forces disciplined every member that was unfaithful they wouldn't have time to do there day jobs.