Im 36 and he's 23

[BertieB88]

Hello,
Just after some general feedback.
I'm a few months away from being 37. I am recently divorced after 15 year relationship and I have a 5 year old son.
I started a casual 'thing' with someone from work which I absolutely thought was a reboundy excitement fling. Now, 18 months later we are living together in the most amazing, respectful and loving relationship. My son and my new partner adore eachother so no issues there. And for the most part things with my ex and co-parenting are very amicable.
There is a 13.5 year age gap between partner and I. I fell pregnant last December and we both decided it wasn't a good time so I have an abortion. I don't regret this but because I know what a brilliant dad new partner would be I am swaying more towards that again.
He is incredibly emotionally tuned in and I can totally see him and I having a baby together. We have recently started talking about this as a possiblity again.
We love eachother madly, always on the same page and support eachother in ways I've never experienced in other partnerships (especially with my ex).
Say for example we started trying for a baby next year when he's 24/25 and I'm 37/38, what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?
Our families can see our connection and bond, which includes my son, and they love and support us all.
We are both professionals , good incomes and steady lives etc.
If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it.
Any advise welcome.
Thank you xx

Sugar momma exists as well.

It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it

Don't have a baby. You don't know what will happen in future, and a child deserves to be loved and cared for irrespective of what happens between the parents.

You must be new here 😂

OP, he’s a kid. You were dating a 21yo in your mid thirties. I can see why, as a fling following a divorce, of course I can.

But seriously, where he is in his life versus where you are in yours? That bodes ill for a future together. When he hits 30 and realises he hasn’t spent his youth doing the things your youth is for, odds are high that he’ll scarper.

Think back to when you were 21 - are you even remotely the same person now? I wasn’t, nor should I have been. There’s a world of life changing experience in those years.

I don't think it matters as long as you're both happy and life is going well.

@OoLaaLaa nasty.

Well, I’d be very sad if my son got into a relationship with a much older woman with a child, at such a young age. I’d be positively angry if he moved into her home, with said child, after just over a year. I’d question her judgement for that alone and tell him to remove himself from the home of a young child.

But looking at your replies and despite posting here, you claim to be pretty secure in your choices.

My neighbours had a similar age gap. They seemed very happy for a very long time. Now she’s in her seventies, retired, not very active and he’s still in his fifties, still working, energetic. And very sadly she discovered he was having an affair with a colleague. When she found out he left and is now living with his affair partner and his ex wife is devastated and lonely.

Older male younger female works better in many more ways than what you have mentioned above. Biologically, because women can only really have children up until their mid 40s at the latest, because of sex drive- when she’s going through peri/ menopause and with many women they lose their sex drive for some time, he will be at the peak of his sexuality. Sadly in terms of the fact that men are biologically driven to be attracted to women more youthful or equally as youthful as them. If it’s true love it can work, this stereotype about younger men being immature sadly in many cases is fact, with the odd few they could be ready to settle down at 23, it’s really down to the two individuals. But it’s wrong to say it works better with older woman and younger man, and biologically speaking that’s simply not the case.

I think if you are both happy and in love there is no issue. Any relationship you get into regardless of age can come to an end for many different reasons . Maybe you will both last , maybe you won't. 23 is pretty young though , even if they seem or come across as mature. But if you both have something good and are committed , you both deserve to be happy and together like any couple.

Some horrible comments on here OP. Do what makes you both happy.

You never know what’s round the corner at any age, and some of these predictions by PP based on your ages are ridiculous.

💐

Sorry, I also don't think it will work. He may be an 'old soul' and not like clubbing or doing shots etc, but it's the fact that you're a mum already. That limits what you can do together. What if he wants to go travelling or work abroad or go snowboarding every winter? It's less about the age and more about you having a child. You are not free to do whatever you like, you have to think about your son. Therefore you will be limiting your partner's choices.
Realistically, dating someone with a child, if it's serious means you are going to spend a lot of time inside watching Minions. Is that what he wants?
Or will he wake up at 32 and think where did my youth go?

There was 14 years between me & late dp, he was just 30 when I met him & I was 44. It was never a problem for us, there never felt like there was such a big age gap, he liked older women & I liked younger men, we had both escaped bad relationships, both had children & had so much in common. Give it a try, the worst thing that can happen is it doesn't work, but there again, it could work.

I think going through a lot together early in a relationship can be a bonding experience that will endure. But sometimes that intensity is misleading. When life becomes calm and the intensity dwindles so can feelings. It can all start feeling mundane.

Maybe something to weigh up against any biological clock pressure you might be feeling

The age wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't have a child with him unless you marry him ( and I get why you won't) unless you're happy with the legal risks..

Does he want a baby when he is 24 is really the consideration. You are both consenting adults, so should be the ones making the decision together. The one thing I would consider is that he will only be early 50's when you are retirement age, so that's where the lifestyle imbalance is likely to kick in.

You'd swing me?! I think we might be from different worlds.

I'd go no where near anyone and or their families who have violent tendencies or behave with such opprobrium and disrespect.
My partner's mum is a very gracious and educated woman who I have built a very trustful and rewarding relationship with.

@BertieB88 of course you have OP you’re probably not far off her age…

I’ve read this whole thread now. I’m not sure why you posted OP, you seem to believe in your relationship and that’s all that matters. However you have asked if people find this age gap odd, and yes the majority will.

I don’t agree with many posters who speak about males being older being just as odd, as biologically and practically, since the dawn of time it’s not as odd at all. Men have always tended to settle down historically at a later age, being historically the provider, they have established themselves somewhat so they can provide for a family. Men are able to have children well into old age, whereas for women there is a cut off point from about mid 40s onwards. Sex drive is generally good for men at a much older age, where many women because of hormones no longer feel that drive. So if you have a 25 year old woman with a 40 year old man, they are both often at the same stage of their lives in terms of maturity, desire to have children, and then she will hit menopause and he will have a slightly lowered sex drive (maybe ED) when she’s 50 and he’s 65. It just biologically speaking makes a lot more sense. Someone was outraged by the comment about trade ins earlier, but it’s a fact many men because of their continued drive end up leaving marriages where their needs are not being fulfilled by a same age wife, and seek out younger women. Morally wrong to do so, but if we are speaking biologically, it’s because they are no longer at the same life stage, even being the same age. So in a lot of cases an older man and a younger woman makes a lot of sense, and men are naturally drawn to younger women, it’s a fact.

I am 40. To me a 23 year old is a child, the same age as some of my friends children. I physically and mentally could not engage on that level with a 23 year old. As well as just not even going there in my mind, I wouldn’t see a 23 year old sexually, or step in to their young life and turn it on its head. They have their whole lives ahead of them, and will be biologically drawn to women that are still 18, and much more likely to have a good future with an 18 year old than a 40 year old. By the time the 23 year old is 40, they will still be fancying and drawn to 25 year olds, but a mid 50s wife will be going through menopause and ageing to the point where it will be obvious. It may work out, but in most cases I would say it doesn’t.

If my son was 23 and was with a 36 year old single mother I would be really sad about it.

How does that work when she said there is a 13.5 year age difference?

Sorry. Fraid we are from the same world,it just isn't always viewed to suit your picture. If you want to make out I'm some sort of scum element,wire in. My response was only hypothetical....about your real situation. So I can live with that.
You'll do exactly as you please anyway
And good luck to you

So you met him when he was 21/22 and you were 34/35 with a child? That’s just too big a gap. If I were his mother I would loathe you. He should be out living his life, travelling, enjoying being young, not playing house and being a substitute father for your child.

I wouldn’t be happy either and would try to support my son, but I would deep down want someone for him that was his age and able to give him a family, when the time was right. I’d be suspicious of a woman of that age who didn’t see him as being a bit of a kid but considered him as a sexual and romantic partner.

Gosh, people are harsh! I know a woman who got together with a man in his early 20s when she was in her early 40s (so a 20 year age gap). They were very well suited and happy together. They stayed together until she sadly died of cancer aged 70. He was and is bereft.

Just to add, not everyone goes for a conventional relationship and that's OK.