Im 36 and he's 23

[BertieB88]

Hello,
Just after some general feedback.
I'm a few months away from being 37. I am recently divorced after 15 year relationship and I have a 5 year old son.
I started a casual 'thing' with someone from work which I absolutely thought was a reboundy excitement fling. Now, 18 months later we are living together in the most amazing, respectful and loving relationship. My son and my new partner adore eachother so no issues there. And for the most part things with my ex and co-parenting are very amicable.
There is a 13.5 year age gap between partner and I. I fell pregnant last December and we both decided it wasn't a good time so I have an abortion. I don't regret this but because I know what a brilliant dad new partner would be I am swaying more towards that again.
He is incredibly emotionally tuned in and I can totally see him and I having a baby together. We have recently started talking about this as a possiblity again.
We love eachother madly, always on the same page and support eachother in ways I've never experienced in other partnerships (especially with my ex).
Say for example we started trying for a baby next year when he's 24/25 and I'm 37/38, what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?
Our families can see our connection and bond, which includes my son, and they love and support us all.
We are both professionals , good incomes and steady lives etc.
If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it.
Any advise welcome.
Thank you xx

It is the fact that you mentioned upthread your bf does not like women in his ages as he sees them immature etc. that doesn't sit right with me. At 23, you honestly have not lived yet. I thought I did but now 2 decades later, I know I was barely an adult. What makes him different? Truly mature and emotionally intelligent people can understand that they can't generalise the entire generation of women to make them sound superior.

Good luck though, if you are asking anyone's opinion, also please be open minded about it! But in the end we don't know your relationship so you can only answer that.

Woman: 37 dating a 23 year old. Excuses and support given by some.

Man: 37 dating a 23 year old. We know what the response would be.

Sorry I think this is a bad idea. Not only because of age gap but it seems there's a power imbalance. You obviously are like 'the mum' in this relationship - perhaps that is why it works for both of you because you have everything to offer and he's a gracious recipient.

Anyway, babies do affect all the lovey-dovey-ness in a relationship. If you're so happy now, you may want to think twice about adding a huge responsibility/human being to this setup and possibly ruining what you think you have. Perhaps just keep enjoying yourselves and take care of the one(s) you already have.

Edited to add: Having a baby at 23 is too early for him - he still has a lot of growing up and changing to do. If you feel it would be too late for you which is why you're rushing to have one now, then you're obviously both in the wrong age group to be trying.

Maybe spend a bit more time reading MN - particularly the threads where men in middle age are found to be cheating on their partners, ending relationships and generally wanting to spread their wings before it's too late.

It's so common and it's a very real risk if a man (or woman) gets involved in something serious at a very young age.

What a load of horse shit. Using words like robbing and grabbing, Jesus. So condescending!
@BertieB88 not all men want to go out clubbing, not all women do either. Not all women are past it at 40 either - bloody hell!
Enjoy your relationship, it sounds wonderful and your families are HAPPY for you both and this is a massive hurdle. Maybe wait a little before a baby, but that's your choice. There are plenty of different age relationships
Macron and wife
Aaron and Sam Taylor Johnson
Joan Collins and Percy - he adores her

I think you should listen to each other and your families xx. The best of luck and love to you both

Gosh OP. I salute your kindness and patience with some of these comments!!!

I don't have personal experience but to me if you love each other and if your gut tells you it's ok, then it's ok!

I personally wouldn't rush having a child in the next year, just enjoy each other and go from there. Your son might also struggle with so much change in a short span of time so some stability before a baby maybe good for him.

In amy case I wish you all the best and good luck!

Btw my husband was 16 when we met and I was 18 - he was more mature than me and much better person that me and thought me a lot. I know its not the same but still age is just a number at the end of the day. :)

Macron and Aaron Johnson were groomed as teenagers by women more than old enough to be their mothers and in positions of authority. Huge power imbalances. Don't know about Joan Collins.

As others have said - only you really know if you think the relationship will work.

Personally I would be wary of such an age gap where the youngest partner is early twenties regardless of whether they were male or female.

If you do deicide to have a child just be sure that you are willing to be a single parent if it doesn't work out.

It is good his family are supportive because I must say I would not love it if one of my dc at that age was involved with a much older person with a child - I wouldn't tell them obviously but I would worry about what they were going to miss out on.

If the question was just about your relationship then I would say if you're both happy then crack on. If it lasts the course great and if not then you've had a lovely time with someone who obviously cares a lot about you.

I think the difficulty is the pressure that comes from wanting a child with the age gap as it is. This is where genetics don't work in women's favour. 23 is now relatively young to become a father and if he was with someone of a similar age then it would be likely that he would wait a few years. You probably don't have the luxury of waiting for too long and that may bring a degree of tension into the relationship.

If you do decide to have a baby in a couple of years you should be prepared to go it alone if things don't work out. That's the same advice I would give to any woman but when you're 40 with a toddler it's possibly more of a challenge. Often at that age you're in a good place with your career and so juggling competing demands is more of a challenge.

No one questions men doing this.

People do question men doing this on here all the time - particularly with regards to a power imbalance.

The other thing that would be on my mind is that when men break up long term relationships in their 30s or 40s they rarely go on to date women 10+ years their senior. You only have to look on here at the endless parade of women replaced by 'younger models'. I think it’s fair to say that most men prefer younger women and I would worry that over time he would find women of his own age or younger more attractive.

If you're heading into having a child with him territory then you are seeing him as a life partner. What will it be like 10 or 20 years from now?

My final thought is that I would feel a need to continually stop myself from aging at a normal rate which brings a degree of maintenance I simply couldn't be arsed with.

It may work out, it’s hard to know really.

I think I’d be worried about 8-10 years time when the menopause hits for you and he’s early 30s

Best analysis ever!!

And you won't have to deal with a grump middle aged man for AGES

This is simply not true.

There have been threads recently, in particular one where a young newly qualified female lawyer was loved up with an older man with a child. The comments were pretty much identical to this, if not harsher.

It's disingenuous to say men are not criticised for the same setup.The difference is men don't really care when they're getting what they want.

No-one can predict the future, how you will age, how he will age, what will happen in your lives. If you love each other now and are happy together now, then go with it and enjoy it. Don't ruin something good worrying about potential scenarios 15 years down the line which may never happen.

By this logic we should then only be in relationships with men significantly older than us so that they will be less inclined to ‘trade us in’?

I think each to their own but I also think you are so ‘on the same page’ etc because he has very little lived experience so doesn’t have the knowledge base to disagree with you

I sort of want to sketch out a time line at how you've rushed this person into your life. But I can't be bothered.

Be happy.

I think if I were you I’d enjoy it for what it is but not rush into having another child. That can also be a difficult dynamic for your existing dc and probably not in his best interests as your partner will naturally feel different towards his bio child.

I think I'd be cautious about getting pregnant tbh. It might be an amazing relationship atm but he's very young, and a couple of years down the line if he's looking after a baby and another young child that isn't his and his life is no longer exciting and in the dating phase you could be left with two children by yourself.

Obviously I'm not saying all younger guys would be like this, but it's a lot to take on in a short period of time. Kids are a huge life changer anyway but you also have another young child in the mix and are recently divorced so quite a lot to deal with.

It’s not a great idea to justify an age gap by pointing to groomers and paedophiles…

@BertieB88 live your life and go for it. It sounds like a great relationship

My mum and step dad have a 13 year age gap. He was 28 when they met. I was a bit sceptical at first but I've honestly never seen my mum more suited to anyone they've been together 12 years now and married 8. They didn't have more children but it's definitely worked for them

From a purely practical perspective I personally wouldn't have a child with someone I'd not married, too financially risky. Although as a young renter it doesn't sound like he'd have much in the way of capital anyway.

From an emotional perspective, I suppose if your family and friends agree he's a keeper than that's a good sign. It would be awful if they were all saying what a child he was behind your back.

I do think you need to be aware of the risk though, (as he was in a long term relationship before you) that he's much more likely to want to go off and sew his oats, live the single life than say meeting someone at 35.

OP I think you are saying that this relationship is the real deal. The chance to have a baby with this man is diminishing. People will notice, but then it's just old news. There was a family in my son's class with what looks like a not dissimilar age gap and I've never heard it even commented on.