Im 36 and he's 23

[BertieB88]

Hello,
Just after some general feedback.
I'm a few months away from being 37. I am recently divorced after 15 year relationship and I have a 5 year old son.
I started a casual 'thing' with someone from work which I absolutely thought was a reboundy excitement fling. Now, 18 months later we are living together in the most amazing, respectful and loving relationship. My son and my new partner adore eachother so no issues there. And for the most part things with my ex and co-parenting are very amicable.
There is a 13.5 year age gap between partner and I. I fell pregnant last December and we both decided it wasn't a good time so I have an abortion. I don't regret this but because I know what a brilliant dad new partner would be I am swaying more towards that again.
He is incredibly emotionally tuned in and I can totally see him and I having a baby together. We have recently started talking about this as a possiblity again.
We love eachother madly, always on the same page and support eachother in ways I've never experienced in other partnerships (especially with my ex).
Say for example we started trying for a baby next year when he's 24/25 and I'm 37/38, what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?
Our families can see our connection and bond, which includes my son, and they love and support us all.
We are both professionals , good incomes and steady lives etc.
If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it.
Any advise welcome.
Thank you xx

I think it's gross and I'd think the same if the sexes were reversed.
how come you are so emotionally stunted at 36 that you find the company of a 23 fulfilling? I think you'll be ruining his life and natural social and emotional development. It's manipulative.

*The mum was the elder partner

I mean, I can see for the younger half they feel flattered to be so mature for their age, but it's embarrassing to be so immature for your age that you could be with someone so young. It doesn't reflect well on you. The younger half is being young and dumb but what's your excuse?

It's so hard to predict what will happen. There's a big age gap and he may well change his mind or just change generally over the next few years. 23 year old men aren't the most mature, but of course some are and sometimes it works out. I speak from experience here.
I met my DH when he was 23. I was 28, so also older than him but not such a big age gap. My DH absolutely wasn't ready to have children at 24/25. He just didn't have the life experience, wanted to have fun, travel a bit and just enjoy being a couple without kids. He wanted to have fun in his 20s and establish his career. It wasn't until he was 30 that he felt ready. I was 35 then and thankfully we had no problems conceiving. However, my DH is not your partner. Your partner may well be happy to settle down young, as he says he is. Just proceed with caution and know they he may get cold feet. He may feel pressurised because you have the pressure of the biological clock.

You don't need to know anyone else's opinions.. He sounds like a great partner and it sounds like you have a wonderful and healthy relationship. Enjoy it, grow your family if that's what you wish to do and don't seek outside validation for how you choose to live and enjoy your life.
You only get one life, if you've found true happiness, don't ruin it because others have strong or negative opinions.. Plus, age doesn't guarantee that men will become emotionally mature, many men never mature in that area. So you're lucky you've found a man that is mature and gives you that emotional security. Don't question it just because of age 😊

Just go for it. Life is too short not to seize chances when they present themselves and, when you are old, you can look back and say, well I did it. Believe me, when you get to your 60s, you start to do a lot of looking back and I think a lovely baby with this man will then be an adult and, if as you say, you have a great relationship, then this baby will benefit and so will your other child. He sounds mature. Look at Ms and Mdm Macron. She is like 20 years old than he is. Make sure you keep young at heart and fit and healthy with it.

If this was my son in the relationship I would be worried about him.

Moving in so quickly, becoming a parental figure so quickly, the power imbalance with the ages, all pretty worrying.

I was that early 20s person who was love bombed, groomed, rushed into being a parental figure, and had a baby so I couldn't get away though. I didn't realise what had even happened until I was older.

Yeah he's just too young. He'll resent you down the line if you do this. And rightly so. You'll likely resent him too. And the baby.

And when he's 26, he will find women his age mature and attractive. And you'll likely be left with the baby. Unable to date handsome young 20 somethings ever again.

Plus, a baby would turn the blissful relationship into one of stress for the next several years.

If you've got a good thing going, why risk it?

Also, I don't understand why women agree to have planned babies with men they aren't married to. I mean, tbf, he's too young for marriage. But then, he's DEFINITELY too young for babies.

But it sets such a low bar. To let men think they don't even need to consider that commitment to you first before you'll have kids with them.

Sorry, I cannot understand a word you're saying.

Thank you. It actually really is an amazing relationship. I'm shocked at how narrow minded the internet can be!

Shallow minded response

It is icky . He is way too young.
And I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

And within 18months he's a father figure to your child? Just wrong.

I think you have an answer to how people perceive it. But in all honesty, it is your life and you only get one shot.

Have has a few friends and relatives with this sort of age gap (older male, younger female and vice versa) and they have all worked out with or without children involved. You will need to agree how to handle questions and looks though.

Strange response OP being as you asked people for their views and opinions. If you were actually just looking for affirmation why not say that at the start?

There are not many age gap relationships where the gap is quite large like yours , and the woman is older, but the ones I have known in real life have not worked out well when the woman got to 50+, and they stopped working because of the woman getting older.

At the moment you are both young looking. Most women don't really start to age till mid 40s when peri start, but once they do the changes are quite rapid and significant. Changes to your looks (not just wrinkles but sagging, loosening skin, the shape of your face changes - I'm 51 and I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore) and changes to sexual function, vaginal atrophy, changes to sex drive, changes to sexual function. As well as other changes in your body and its capabilities.. Its not trivial.

You and your man, despite the age gap, are still in a similar phase in your life age wise, you both have that youthful look, your sexual function is not affected, but this will will start to change relatively soon. You will start to visually and sexually age 13 years before him. That's not trivial. Ageing can be hard on woman and you and your man will not be going through this life changing experience together.

And he will be 47 when you are 60, that is a huge gap in terms of the ageing process. He will only be at the start of beginning to age, still be attractive and a catch. You will be properly old.

As Margo says in ' All about Eve' ( she is in a relationship with a man 10 years her junior when she is 40) ; 'those years stretch with age'. They do.

And he will be 47 when you are 60, that is a huge gap in terms of the ageing process. He will only be at the start of beginning to age, still be attractive and a catch. You will be properly old, and quite rapidly accelerating into the increasing effects of ageing.

You may buck the curve and it works out, but don't underestimate what is coming if you stay together.

Not true.

@BertieB88 why am not surprised you cant understand me.? Youve snapped back at anyone who even vaguely is not supportive.
im shocked you think its "the internet"thats "narrow minded" .given you posted for opinions on a open forum ,did you really think every one would be team cradle snatcher?
You speak of an abortion of convienence and 18mths bliss. Fabulous,great.
Its allowed.
However. If it were my 23/24 yer old son,i would swing you.

100% this.

Read this over and over OP.

You didn't need to ask us, but since you have this is the only post that you need to know.

@tolerable you write like a 14 year old texting a 13 year old. No one understood ur txt spk. Stick to TikTok

I think you're being incredibly naiive.

Like a pp said, at the moment you're both relatively 'young'. But in 15 years he'll still be young and you will not. The age gap will be more noticible every year. How many men in their mid 30's, in their prime, want to date women into their 50's? Not many, for obvious reasons.

He probably sees himself spending his entire life with you right now. Because he's 23. You're not 23 and you should know better.

The main loser in this is likely to be your child who will probably have several years to get himself properly attached before it goes tits up.

The only thing I would worry about is your age when you are planning for a baby. If you want to have a baby with this man I would do it sooner rather than later or you may end up desperately trying for a child but not being able to have one.

Oh my god, there is so much (internalised) sexist ageism on this site!

He must be using you and see you as a "cougar". [Funny how there's no specific derogatory term for a man who is attracted to younger, adult women... That's just... wait for it... a man.]

How could a man ever be attracted to a shrivelled-up hag woman in her 40s and 50s?! Any younger woman is automatically superior.

Some of you sound like the most sexist middle-aged men!

And OP, if you start a topic like this on here, you can expect the same, predictable mix of armchair neuroscience - "ThE bRAin ISn't FuLlY deVeLoped TilL 25!!!" - infantilisation of adults in their 20s, and projected, insecure ageism against women over 40. You might as well ask an AI chatbot.

Sigh. When I was 20 I would go out with a thirty year old. When I was 30, I would go out with a 40 year old. When I was 40, I would have to seriously think about dating a 50 year old. They just seemed so much older. Now I am 50, I would not consider dating a 60 year old. They just actually are so much older. ( I’m a straight woman btw). Thing is, evolution has been ageist. People don’t age evenly throughout their life. Ageing starts ralidly accelerating past your mid 40s. And applying ageism to sexual attraction is just daft. Is a 20 year old ageist for not finding a 70 year old sexually attractive?

And menopause is a real thing that has real affects on many ( not all) women’s desire for sex.

@McSilkson Actually people really look down on old men going for young women, it's grim.. they are vilified these days.

If this was a man 16 year solder than a woman he would be labelled a gross pervert. I don't necessarily agree with that line of thinking but it seems like many MN posters do when the man is older than the women. It's a nasty double standard. Personally I'd be worried about how things go when he's 35 and at his physical peak and you are 50 and entering menopause. How is that going to work? Are you secure enough to deal with that? I wouldn't be but if you are then see how it goes, some couples do make this work.

@McSilkson

"
He must be using you and see you as a "cougar". [Funny how there's no specific derogatory term for a man who is attracted to younger, adult women... That's just... wait for it... a man.]"

Sugar daddy?