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Original poster

Im 36 and he's 23

181 replies

BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 22:29

Hello,
Just after some general feedback.
I'm a few months away from being 37. I am recently divorced after 15 year relationship and I have a 5 year old son.
I started a casual 'thing' with someone from work which I absolutely thought was a reboundy excitement fling. Now, 18 months later we are living together in the most amazing, respectful and loving relationship. My son and my new partner adore eachother so no issues there. And for the most part things with my ex and co-parenting are very amicable.
There is a 13.5 year age gap between partner and I. I fell pregnant last December and we both decided it wasn't a good time so I have an abortion. I don't regret this but because I know what a brilliant dad new partner would be I am swaying more towards that again.
He is incredibly emotionally tuned in and I can totally see him and I having a baby together. We have recently started talking about this as a possiblity again.
We love eachother madly, always on the same page and support eachother in ways I've never experienced in other partnerships (especially with my ex).
Say for example we started trying for a baby next year when he's 24/25 and I'm 37/38, what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?
Our families can see our connection and bond, which includes my son, and they love and support us all.
We are both professionals , good incomes and steady lives etc.
If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it.
Any advise welcome.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:31

MugPlate · 07/09/2024 23:28

Where was he living before he moved in with you?
What were his previous serious relationships like?
If you’re both madly in love and planning children, would you marry?

He rented his own house before met him (Jan 2023) and we moved into a new house together May 2024. He's had a long term gf before me. She was the same age as him. He has expressed he finds women his age immature and unrelatable. He is an old soul and as I mentioned very intelligent emotionally.
I wouldn't marry again any time soon. He's not fussed. But our little family of 3 unit has made us think what it might be like to have our own together. No time soon, but in the next couple of years maybe. Thanks for being kind

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:33

MaryQueenofScots14 · 07/09/2024 22:58

A friend of mine met a 23 yr old on holiday , when they were early thirties. You would think no chance really. 23 yr old male relocated to our home city and they moved in together,
Fast forward 25 yrs, they are married with 2 beautiful children. There was A LOT of discussion on timing of kids. He wanted to wait till he was 30, but I think friend would have been 40 then. They compromised and had first child when he was late twenties and 2nd child when she was in forties.

its funny really but he was old before his time, a real home body, we used to laugh that he wanted to be home with his pipe and slippers and she wanted to be out on the town! The most important aspect was, that they loved each other and were willing to do what it took to make it work.

There were no children from previous relationships so a bit more straightforward.

No one really knows what relationships will work out.

When I was 23 , I only knew immature 23 yr olds and would never have gone out with a partner my own age. Two of my friends married men significantly younger and I was surprised that in both relationships the men were the more “settled” personalities at a much younger age and have provided loving and secure partners.

i admit to in the past, being a bit ageist towards younger men, as partners, but I have been proven totally incorrect.

Only you know, your relationship. If you love each other and are compatible that can be the grounds for a life together. Including children.

Thanks for being kind. I know it's not for everyone but it's definitely outdated to for it to be controversial in my opinion. Appreciate your reply

OP posts:
MugPlate · 07/09/2024 23:37

The thing that would worry me would be him developing a feeling of not having experienced the freedom of his 20s, and this might not develop for a while down the track.
But at your age, realistically you do not have ‘a few years’ to play with.
If his parents have modelled a long and stable relationship for him, there is a chance that is what he will have with you.
Good luck to you both.

Original poster
BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'd love to send you a photo of myself !!! Not too shabby for 36! X

OP posts:
Mummabear90hair · 07/09/2024 23:37

Personally I wouldn’t rush and would give it a few more years to see how things settle. I’m 27 and couldn’t imagine having much in common with a 23 year old, especially as a parent. Unfortunately I’ve never seen older woman/younger man relationships last either.

Original poster
BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:38

Honourthyname7 · 07/09/2024 23:24

He is old enough to be op son if she had him at 16, which obvs is the age of consent in this country so a big possibility.

There's 13 years difference. I don't know anyone who had a baby at 13

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 07/09/2024 23:38

How do you get on with his friends and he with yours? Also what do your wider family think of him and his parents of you? This things are important in the long run, especially if you are thinking of having a child together. 23 is very young but it sounds like he is mature and respectful. I would definitely not rush into having a baby with him yet though, give it another year or so and see if you still feel the same then.

Original poster
BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:41

Anotherlurkingmale · 07/09/2024 23:24

Definitely seems like there's still double standards at play on age-gap relationships (the comments about it being 'gross' are ridiculous). If the genders were reversed here no-one would bat an eyelid. Sounds like a much stronger relationship than many you read on here and don't really see the issue of trying for a baby next year. Previous generations (and quite a few people today) often had 2 kids by the age of 25 so don't see what the fuss is with his age. He sounds more mature than many 30 and 40 somethings.

Yes! You see my point. The double standards are insane. He is 6"4 with a beard. He's certainly not a child! Feature-ly or in terms of what he offers in stability, reliability or just a great time!

OP posts:
Saytheyhear · 07/09/2024 23:41

What does he want to do with his future? Has he mentioned an interest in being a dad within the next 5 years or has the thought of growing his family not really crossed his mind?
I think back to my 20s and all I wanted to do was get a few training/skills before seeing the world. It's not what everyone wants - some want a big career etc.
He enjoys being a step-dad and he's quite responsible with regards to being in a career and paying half rent but what if he wants a big change in 10 years time? Will you be able to take a step back from work financially and focus on child rearing if he wants to focus on his career?etc

Original poster
BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:43

Seaoftroubles · 07/09/2024 23:38

How do you get on with his friends and he with yours? Also what do your wider family think of him and his parents of you? This things are important in the long run, especially if you are thinking of having a child together. 23 is very young but it sounds like he is mature and respectful. I would definitely not rush into having a baby with him yet though, give it another year or so and see if you still feel the same then.

We've met eachothers close friends and families and they can all see the connection and adoration we have got eachother. We got the seal of approval from everyone, which I was obviously hesitant about

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 07/09/2024 23:44

Anotherlurkingmale · 07/09/2024 23:24

Definitely seems like there's still double standards at play on age-gap relationships (the comments about it being 'gross' are ridiculous). If the genders were reversed here no-one would bat an eyelid. Sounds like a much stronger relationship than many you read on here and don't really see the issue of trying for a baby next year. Previous generations (and quite a few people today) often had 2 kids by the age of 25 so don't see what the fuss is with his age. He sounds more mature than many 30 and 40 somethings.

No people definitely think older man younger woman is gross.

Comedycook · 07/09/2024 23:44

If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it

In this case, I'd say don't have a baby. You don't really want another child...you just want to be with him. The age gap is irrelevant imo

Fathercrispness · 07/09/2024 23:46

My observation is that when you hit 40 you quickly quickly swing from young to middle aged. The same transition from middle to old age happens around 70. My worry would be those 13.5 years he’s still‘young’ while you are well into middle age.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/09/2024 23:50

I don't think I would find it disturbing if he were 30 and you 43. 23 means his frontal cortex hasn't even fully developed yet, yes he is a man but really he hasn't fully matured no matter what you say.

I must admit I pulled a grimace reading the ages and I would also if the sexes were reversed.

I don't know, it's not my life is it but I couldn't find myself attracted to someone that age anymore and I'm only a smidge older than yourself.

Good luck though I suppose, no one ever roots for a failed relationship but I think I just cannot put myself in your shoes to understand.

Galoop · 07/09/2024 23:54

It could work, but it probably won't. Only have a baby if you want to end up single with 2 kids from different fathers.

DeCaray · 07/09/2024 23:56

Late 20s/early 30s he is likely to have the realisation that he is moving away from youth and therefore may feel resentment at being tied to you from his early 20s and may well want to start going out as a single man whilst he's still young.

I've seen it happen. A loving period of 8/10 years and then it all falling apart.

Galoop · 07/09/2024 23:57

Comedycook · 07/09/2024 23:44

If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it

In this case, I'd say don't have a baby. You don't really want another child...you just want to be with him. The age gap is irrelevant imo

You probably are also subconsciously thinking that will tie him to you

HolyCannoli · 07/09/2024 23:59

AlexandraPeppernose · 07/09/2024 23:00

I think that it is all a bit gross tbh. 25yr old are generally enjoying their independence, building their career and having fun, not being tied down with babies with someone with someone 15 yrs older (this goes both ways gender wise)

What bollocks. Not everyone is the same. Met DH when I was 20, got married at 24 and been married for 12 years. I still enjoyed myself, built a carrier and always have been independent. So please don't generalise.

OP, you know your relationship better than anybody. The world is full of judgment and there will always be sceptics. There are no guarantees in life, but trust your relationship and go for it if it feels right ☺️

Dery · 08/09/2024 00:00

“andfinallyhereweare · Today 23:18

My concern here would be that in 10 years when he’s early 30s and your late 40s he gives you the I need to experience life talk, needs his freedom as he settled down so young. And then he marries has a baby with someone his own age.

of course this can happen in any relationship and this could also not happen. But it’s quite likely when you get to your 30s you start to change what you thought you wanted from your 20s.”

It sounds like you two are great together but I think this is a very real risk. And I disagree with the poster who said that no-one would bat an eyelid if the genders were reversed. I would think either way that the younger person is being rushed into a very settled way of living which is more in tune with the older person’s age rather than being free to enjoy their 20s without serious commitment (ie in the way of being able to travel and work abroad etc in a way which is much harder if you are married/have children). That’s arguably already happening and would be even more so if you had a child together.

The only difference, if genders are reversed, and it’s an important one is that men’s fertility window tends to last much longer than women’s fertility window so there isn’t the same pressure that you’re now experiencing. Even if you wait another year before getting pregnant, your relationship will still be quite a young one (say 2.5/3 years) and he will still be young. I don’t think it’s really fair to race to make him a father when he is still pretty young because of your body clock.

Seriestwo · 08/09/2024 00:03

My worry is that you moved a man into your son’s life and home after 18 months.

age isn’t relevant there, only the stability of your child is

autienotnaughty · 08/09/2024 00:04

I met my dh when he was 23 and I was 29. He was a friend of friends so not a complete stranger. I was very conscious of his age so I waited 6 months to introduce him to my kids. 2.5 years to move in. After 2 years living together we decided to save to get a joint property. Which we bought the following year. So by this point we had been together 6 years and he was 29. we decided to try for a baby the following year and got married 2 years later.

He's 39 now and I'm 45. The age difference has never been a problem but I'm glad we waited as we enjoyed that time together with eow to ourselves. And it gave dh time to be certain this was what he wanted.

I appreciate you have less time to make a decision about kids than I did. But I would get your fertility level checked at doctors (as a precaution) and i would wait another two years. I appreciate you have had life traumas but you are still quite new and he's quite young. I'd wait until he's at least 25.

HeddaGarbled · 08/09/2024 00:09

You’re robbing him of the fun and independence and personal growth and learning who he is that he should be having in his early 20s.

I feel exactly the same when I hear about men your age taking up with women his age.

Two young people who settle down early, sometimes grow together, sometimes grow apart, but they have the freedom to grow.

Young people who get grabbed by an older person get their growth restricted.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 08/09/2024 00:11

You're consenting adults and are both very happy by the sounds of things. Who cares what other people think? What would they rather you did? Dump someone you're really happy with and find someone your own age even though you might not have anywhere near the same connection? We need more love in the world. Embrace it.

And anyway,, it sounds like the people who know you both best are supportive, so they clearly recognise your happiness.

oakleaffy · 08/09/2024 00:12

BertieB88 · 07/09/2024 23:37

I'd love to send you a photo of myself !!! Not too shabby for 36! X

Show quote history

My Mum is 84.

Slim and not a bingo wing in sight!
It think the bingo wing commentator is just being mean.

Bet they are just jealous of a young man's stamina! 🍆

HappiestSleeping · 08/09/2024 00:14

Janedoe82 · 07/09/2024 22:33

Honestly- I think in the long term it won’t work. Mens brains aren’t even fully developed until 25.
Yes I am sure some age gap relationships do last but I think many won’t.

I'm a man in my 50s and I'm still waiting for my brain to develop 🤦‍♂️

@BertieB88 one of my friends got together with a woman who was 20 of years older than him when he was in his early 20s. They're still together 30 odd years later. She was the best thing that ever happened to him.