Im 36 and he's 23

[BertieB88]

Hello,
Just after some general feedback.
I'm a few months away from being 37. I am recently divorced after 15 year relationship and I have a 5 year old son.
I started a casual 'thing' with someone from work which I absolutely thought was a reboundy excitement fling. Now, 18 months later we are living together in the most amazing, respectful and loving relationship. My son and my new partner adore eachother so no issues there. And for the most part things with my ex and co-parenting are very amicable.
There is a 13.5 year age gap between partner and I. I fell pregnant last December and we both decided it wasn't a good time so I have an abortion. I don't regret this but because I know what a brilliant dad new partner would be I am swaying more towards that again.
He is incredibly emotionally tuned in and I can totally see him and I having a baby together. We have recently started talking about this as a possiblity again.
We love eachother madly, always on the same page and support eachother in ways I've never experienced in other partnerships (especially with my ex).
Say for example we started trying for a baby next year when he's 24/25 and I'm 37/38, what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?
Our families can see our connection and bond, which includes my son, and they love and support us all.
We are both professionals , good incomes and steady lives etc.
If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it.
Any advise welcome.
Thank you xx

My son is thriving. I would never have even considered the relationship if there didn't hit it off

I can't relate the power imbalance

Appreciate the concern. But invalid. Thanks

The thing is ....no one can answer this question but you

I can give you my opinion for me.....which is that a 37 year old dating a 24 year old is yuk

But for you, it's not yuk , for you its beautiful.....although.....if its SO beautiful and perfect, why post about it on MN?

You want advice about having a child with this young man, when you've already aborted one of his babies

If your relationship with this young man is as perfect as you say, why not have his baby, get married etc?

What's holding you back?

I dont need you to tell me your answer. But tell yourself

Congratulations on your long and healthy marriage. It's this sort of stuff that makes me believe love can prevail!!!

I never said our relationship was perfect.
We mutually decided to terminate the pregnancy because then we'd only been together for just under a year

So is the lack of perfection so early on in your relationship, the reason you're unsure/holding back/asking on MN?

When I was 25 I had 2 children. It wasn’t till we hit 30s we really focused on careers and building our business. If you look around yes there are 25 year olds enjoying independence and fun etc but there’s also so many building families. It’s very unkind to call someone’s relationship gross!

My parents have the same 13 year age gap (dad younger than mum). They've been married for almost 40-years! :)

Objectively it’s unlikely to work. You might tell yourself you’re the exception but the reality is at age 23 a 13 year age gap is huge, irrespective of which way round the gap is.

If a 23 year old female was saying her 35 year old male partner wanted her to have a baby in the next year we’d all be telling her to run, go and enjoy her youth and meet someone her own age. And rightly so.

My friend who was divorced with teenage boys was 42 when she starting a relationship with a man of 25. They moved in together after about two years. A lot of people made comments and said it wouldn't last etc.

Well they are still together and she is now 78 and he is 61. They did not have children together, though. I'm just making the point that sometimes it can work out, even with as much as a 17 year age gap.

You seem to have made up your mind that it's fine and seem irritated if anyone says anything to the contrary OP so not sure why you have posted?
And, at the end of the day, only you can make the decision if it's right for you anyway.

Older man and younger woman makes more sense fertility wise. The chances of pregnancy for a woman in her late 30s is substantially lower than the fertility of a woman in her 20s. Risks to baby and mum increase for older women too. I'm in my late 20s now (baby in my mid 20s) and I've matured a lot since my early 20s.

I don't think it matters what the sex is of people in a relationship. I think 10 years+ is a very very big age gap.

It's largely irrelevant what others think. The question really is why are you posting if you're 100% happy with the situation?

What is it that is nagging at the back of your mind that you need to post on Mumsnet?

Asking for general feedback seems like you've got some concerns yourself. What is it that is worrying you?

I think the odds are stacked against you. He’s had no life experience and when he wakes up and realises this in say 7 yrs time, I think he will be off.

We are all different in our 30s to our 20s. Having a baby and a home probably sounds exciting to him for now, but when the reality of responsibility hits home, I fear you will be left holding that baby.

what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?

As this is your core question, the answer is yes, it is. No matter how nice people are to your faces, they definitely will judge you for it. The only people who won’t are those who are in a similar position, or those who have known relatives who have had successful relationships, but they are few and far between. The vast majority of people will think what you’re doing is anything from yuck to questionable at best. As someone married to someone 11 years younger than I am, anyone who finds out our ages has that ‘oh my’ face that they quickly hide, and your age gap is even bigger. In passing, we don’t look dissimilar in age, so just going about our daily lives no one bats an eye. We have similar interests and similar outlooks on life, and we got on like a house on fire. Is it uncomfortable being judged by others? Of course. Should it stop you? Only if it will affect your relationship. These posts on MN have given you a good idea of what people really think, versus what they say to your face.

Just as an observation, all those posting about their own experiences or friends experiences who are now in their 60/70/80s, we are living in a very very different society to 20/40/60 years ago. You really can't compare the trajectory of relationships now to those of a completely different time period. There are different social and financial pressures, different family setups, the pressure of social media, the rise of greater job insecurity and migration. The world is a different place now, so saying it can work out just because it did back then is like comparing apples and oranges. I'm not saying it won't but the odds are different now.

A naive and somewhat arrogant opinion, I feel. I truly hope you (and your son) don’t find out the hard way. It may well be fine, but I can’t imagine playing so fast and loose with my child’s safety and wellbeing.
As for your op, there’s obviously a sense of discomfort from you towards your relationship or you wouldn’t be asking. If it really was this happy, joyful paradise, you’d not need outside opinions, surely?
A young person, barely into their twenties, starting a serious relationship with a mid-thirties parent going through a divorce is not the stuff of fairytales, regardless of whether the woman is older or the man.

I think it all comes down to how you are as individuals but in general, this relationship doesn't seem a good idea. I'm the same age as you and have usually dated slightly younger men. My husband is a few years younger and our age gap is not noticeable to us and other people often assume he's older than me.
However, I think back to 23 year old lads I knew when I was younger and I can't imagine them being a good fit for me at the stage of life I'm at now and being someone I'd settle down with. Of course I'm generalising as I don't know you 2 personally, but that's all I have to go off.

Hmm. I am early 50s and your body and face really starts to change from mid 40s onwards ( the start of peri menopause). The difference in your ages will be very obvious when you are 60. And that is not far away.

It’s hardly uncommon for menopausal women to lose their sex drive in their early fifties. . Middle aged men whose wives have stopped having sex with them are the demographic who keep married people dating sites in business.
I know one woman who unknowingly became the mistress of a man with an older wife who had stopped having sex with him and another friend who was the older woman, and her long term relationship with a younger man ended when she was in her 50s. She said the age gap had mattered more as she aged, and that had ended things.

You’ve been a bit defensive, so despite asking for opinions and if society would judge you, have you made your mind up anyway?
To answer the question, yes I think a lot would think it’s odd. I would presume some kind of fetish.

I think you're rushing it give him a chance he is only 23 years old I don't care how mature he is , he is already raising a step child that should be enough for right now and see how the relationship progresses .

I see so many of my family members who have been married to men for a long time. Without exception, the men have aged so much worse than the women. The women are in their prime, wanting to enjoy life. The men have a completely different outlook, so much grumpiness, moaning. A younger man makes sense to me.

Generally maybe, but that doesn't mean every 25 year old man is too young for a committed relationship. My DH proposed to me at 19 (I was 22), we were married at 22/25 and now have a toddler and a baby on the way at 30/33. Some younger men are ready to settle down if it's the right person.
It's a bit of a stretch to say it's 'gross' just because he's in his 20s

He sounds different from most 23 year olds but that doesn't mean he is really immature underneath. I know people in their late 30s who are still immature and remarkably mature 11 year olds. Generalities don't apply to all.

My friend married a man 6 years younger in her late 20s and they are still going strong 35 plus years later.

Having said that I don't think you should rush into having a baby with him. You probably still have a few years of fertility left, and you say you don't desperately want another and are only considering it given this relationship. It just seems too early to know if this relationship will last - most people these days are together many more years before starting a family.