Im 36 and he's 23

[BertieB88]

Hello,
Just after some general feedback.
I'm a few months away from being 37. I am recently divorced after 15 year relationship and I have a 5 year old son.
I started a casual 'thing' with someone from work which I absolutely thought was a reboundy excitement fling. Now, 18 months later we are living together in the most amazing, respectful and loving relationship. My son and my new partner adore eachother so no issues there. And for the most part things with my ex and co-parenting are very amicable.
There is a 13.5 year age gap between partner and I. I fell pregnant last December and we both decided it wasn't a good time so I have an abortion. I don't regret this but because I know what a brilliant dad new partner would be I am swaying more towards that again.
He is incredibly emotionally tuned in and I can totally see him and I having a baby together. We have recently started talking about this as a possiblity again.
We love eachother madly, always on the same page and support eachother in ways I've never experienced in other partnerships (especially with my ex).
Say for example we started trying for a baby next year when he's 24/25 and I'm 37/38, what are peoples opinion about this. Is this socially frowned upon?
Our families can see our connection and bond, which includes my son, and they love and support us all.
We are both professionals , good incomes and steady lives etc.
If it's not with him, I don't think I'd be bothered about having another child. It's the family with him I want, not just a child for the sake of it.
Any advise welcome.
Thank you xx

I'm 37 too, I'd never want to date a 23 or a 52 year old. I learnt the hard way that age gap relationships are shit and there is always a power imbalance. Don't do it.

No 23 year old woman should be dating a 37 year old man, either. It's grim.

I wouldn't be thrilled about this if I was the man's mum. I'd be nice to you (and I'm sure you're lovely) but I'd be hoping it petered out so he could meet someone his own age and have freedom and his youth before any babies, step parenting etc. I do feel a bit sorry for him, though I'm sure you're very much in love etc.

Who cares what anyone thinks? If you’re happy and your child is happy, do whatever you like. Any relationship can not work out for a variety of reasons. No-one knows what the future holds. Do what makes you happy.

I wouldn't be moving a man into my child's home after dating him 18 months. As someone who works in child abuse there is a very clear pattern of women moving men into their homes who go on to abuse their children

Indeed. The only thing that's gross is that comment.

Honestly OP you don't need any feedback on this (especially like that nonsense you responded to).

You are clearly happy, you are both adults, you know him better than anyone here, so follow your own intuition.

Any relationship can not work out for a variety of reasons

Though research studies have shown that the greater the age gap the greater the failure rate.

DH & I has DS when I was 24, he was 37, We met when he was 3 months out of a 14 year relationship, ticking all the Mumsnet red flag boxes... and yet, 30 years later, here we are... I have a female friend whose BF is 20 years younger, and they have also been together 30 years. I know people whose age-gap relationships didn't work out, and those born within an hour of each other who are also no longer together. I am the younger of my partnership, but my health means my life expectancy is actually lower than DH - but anything could change in the blink of an eye or the roll of a die; so if you're happy, and he's happy, I'd say, be happy. Life's too short not to.

Hay, if men can do it you can do it. I don’t know why, but I do find older woman younger man much less instinctively ickey than older man younger woman. Maybe I’m sexist. I will say though, I’m not sure on the having children front… his brain (probably) isn’t finished cooking. 18 months does all seem very soon. Proceed with caution, but proceed. You only have one life and I think if things feel right it’s best not to spend too much time second guessing. This may not be forever, but I would suggest you at least enjoy it while it lasts. You seem happy and I don’t think you’re harming anyone. Especially if you don’t have any children together. As long as your child is priority number one I don’t really see anything wrong with this.

He was 21/22 when you met him? He hasn't lived yet. It's a bad idea .

23 year old is little more than a child

Oh, don't be daft!

I know 2 couples with an age gap of 10 years plus, the woman being the older party.
One of the couples were together for over 50 years until she died aged 94.
The other couple met when she was over 30 with 2 children, he was early 20's, still together now 30 years later.

I think you've lovely that you're so happy.

But absolutely no to the kid.

Even moreso because you literally said its not about the child but about having a family with him. It should absolutely be about the child. Children aren't...binding agents.
They're individuals who should be wanted and not just only desired because of current relationships.

Realistically, within the next 5 years, you'll probably split. Sorry to be a pessimist. But it's just a likelihood. Then that child will have separated parents too.

If I was his family I'd be pissed at an older woman 'baby trapping' him like that. Even if that's not what it is, of course his family will think it is the case if they know the child was planned.

I was 32 and very recently separated from a 10 year marriage when I met my now DH who was 22. We've been married now over 20 years, our daughter is 18 and was born when I just turned 37, he was 26. It can definitely work.

Wow so he was like 21 when you met and you started a fling with him whilst you were still married and had a child now you want another child with him.

Are you trying to trap him?

I think a 36 year old woman who is interested in a 23 year old lacks maturity. And that’s ok, apart from if he matures and you don’t he may decide to move on.

Not helpful but I am on the fence with this one!

Fwiw, if he was 28 or 29 and had experienced a bit more of life and independence, I would be more inclined to think this a good idea.

It does depend on the individuals involved though as you can get some young men who are still really immature at twenty-three, especially post-pandemic, they are still just babies really! But you do occasionally get someone who is extremely mature for their age.

It’s so hard to predict the future but a 23 year old is bound to have a very different concept of it than someone aged 36 I think?

A difficult one op! One question; is your relationship not frowned upon professionally at work?

And please be careful with your contraception! Eighteen months is too soon to be having a baby in this situation.

So this year you were both all for an abortion, but next year its OK to try as he's a whole year older? I think you should give the guy time to be and grow. You say you wouldn't be bothered about having another but for him, but it's not him pushing this plan I'll bet.
Give yourself time to process the abortion, you sound quite matter of fact about it, yet keen to repeat being pregnant a year on. Could there be an element of wanting to replace the situation? Could it be an element of regret? It would be normal to feel that way after I should think.
Otherwise, it sounds like it's that you are indeed still in the honeymoon phase and loved up, so want to have his baby, whether he's ready or not, given that apart from with him, you have no interest to.

My story, a young fellow in our friend group married and lovely older woman (14 years older) he was 24 when they got married. They had one lovely son. Our friend sadly developed early onset dementia (in his late 30's) and his wife gave up her teacher career to care for him. Son now runs the farm.

They are a beautiful family unit and all the naysayers had to eat their words.

Aw...that's nice..(. Right up until imagine your 5yo comes home n says that's what's happening.
When your fella hits 37 he's gony KNOW,you been around the block.
Doubt whatchu wanna hear but I swear down....you woodni be getting do that wi my son.
Don't let your knickers be your moral compass

My best friend at the age of 37 had a bit of a fling with her friends brother who was 23 after a night out. They have been together 22 years now, married, and idolise each other.

My mum was 34 when she started a relationship with a guy at her work - he was 18!

They've been together 31 years now and they're still a strong couple.

I don't think age differences are a problem.

You’re being ridiculous. A 36yo doesn’t have any of those things.

OP if you’re both happy then crack on. Happiness is rare enough in the world, I’d give anything for a loving relationship regardless of age.

I’m sorry to rain on your parade, I’m 47 and my wife is 65 we have been together from me being 18 and she was 36. We have been together 29 years and married for 21, our daughter is 26. We have an awesome relationship. As you get older and after the honeymoon period obviously there has to be acceptance the things will change. Communication is key be honest and also realise if you are the older partner that the younger partner will want to experience things that you may have done or think will not work. Let them make mistakes. The younger partner should also accept that the older partner will already have experience and probably a plan

Oh don't be silly. I dated a 52 year old when I was in my 30's and I assure you he had no 'power' over me.

By 37 you should be a fully grown adult who's able to interact with a range of ages.

I can only give you my experience. I was with someone for 10 years, he was very emotionally mature to start, had a very good job where he had other peoples lives in his hands, we met when he was early twenties and I was late twenties, so age gap not quite as big as yours.

I already had a very young child, he was amazing with him. He was just perfect up to mid twenties. He then changed. Became arrogant, rude, serial cheater and pathological liar. I had an exceptional high earning career and we shared an amazing life and home together. I was and still am in very good shape and have been told I’m very attractive (no bingo wings here either!)

He ended up cheating on me with someone younger at work who is in a very junior role with no real career progression options. So he basically left for someone his own age.

of course there are relationships with age gaps that work, but that was not my experience of it.