Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

He is completely deluded if he thinks 3 kids can sleep in a summerhouse with him. Where will he put all their clothes and toys they’ll need to bring? Will they be allowed into his mums house to use the toilet? What cooking facilities does he have? What’s he going to do with them if the weather is bad? Does he have enough clean bedding to remake the bed if one of them has an accident in the middle of the night?

I’m not convinced he’s being honest about where DC will stay when with him. More likely to be at OW’s or inside his mother’s house?

Are there any facilities and heating in this summerhouse?

If he’s getting abusive on WhatsApp, can you switch to a parenting app?

I’m so sorry he’s such a turd OP

💐

kids need beds/cots . It's not normal for 3 kids and an adult to share a bed .
He sounds useless

@Bboo3 of course you are right and I can’t believe a court would grant overnight stays for 3 children to share a bed with an adult in a summerhouse in winter! Does it have a kitchen and bathroom or sufficient heating? It’s just ridiculous for him to even think that could happen.

You are wise to stick to WhatsApp, ensures there is a clear record but avoid getting drawn into arguments/name calling/dragging up past actions. Literally state when he can collect and return the children, that’s it. I’m not informed on this area of law but without a legal agreement I don’t think you can actually compel him to return the children if he decides not to. If he wants to take you to court that’s his right but a judge isn’t going to take 3 very young children from the resident parent and suggest they live in a shed.

No facilities in there. They would have to go into his mums house for all that. Would a court agree with me?

At the moment it is every Friday tea time and every way other Saturday full day. I want it to stay that way until he has his own place then it can turn into them being at his every other Friday night when he has them Saturdays too. I don't want to disrupt their school week so I have agreed to more in the holidays, but not overnight until they have a proper room

Other than them needing their own beds, I don't think a court will let you dictate where contact is held as long as it's 'safe'.

Yes but a summerhouse isn't safe is it!

In his parents fenced back garden? When he's there?

I'm not saying I'd be happy, but people camp and go on holiday and stay in such places. Not sure it will be viewed any differently just because he's staying in one longer term.

I’m sure it would be viewed differently from a holiday. How many summerhouses have running water, electricity, a flushing toilet, hot water/sink/shower for washing? How far is it to the house in the cold and rain in winter if one of them needs the loo? It doesn’t sound like there is any facility for privacy for changing, and the proposal for three children and one adult to share a double bed is ridiculous in anything other than an emergency situation, and this is not an emergency.

My parents summerhouse is a glorified shed. Yes, it’s got pretty windows and french doors, and it’s actually got electricity as there’s a TV on the wall, but other than that, I can’t imagine it would be suitable to live in at this time of year. Let alone squeezing three children in with you.

I agree with a pp, that he probably knows this too and has no intention of staying in the summerhouse with them.

What would he do if one of them needed a wee in the night? Leave the other two kids unattended in a shed in the garden? In winter? Ridiculous.

I would be doing the same as you OP. I've posted previously in this thread about our very similar situations and when my ex-DH left he decided to move nearly 2 hours away from his children who were 7 months old. He moved in with his family initially.

I wasn't overjoyed about them having to have such a long journey at such a young age because of HIS selfish decisions but I agreed to an overnight stay with him. The first time he took them, he ended up driving them home at 1am because neither he or his parents could settle them.

So after this, he said he would stay in a hotel near to us at weekends to enable him to see the children. He then decided one night to take them to the hotel with him. It was shambolic by all accounts. Children need a homely environment when they're going through so much change anyway, and as their father he should be providing that. Why does his Mum not allow them to stay in the house?

There isn't any room in the house, also she hasn't seen them in 2 years so we're taking that slowly. They're going through so much they don't need to be introduced to new family so soon

Saying this gently if he goes to court and can show he can have them at his mothers they will allow it regardless if she hasn’t seen them in 2 years.

I have to ask will he go this far and take you to court wouldn’t that take away his drinking and drug money plus what he spends on the OW.

Plus has he been sacked from work? As he’s not been in for weeks
has he being paying CM at all in that time. If not get in contact with CSA to start the ball rolling. I believe it costs £20 to open a case. Unless he’s now unemployed then I wouldn’t bother

God, so now! ... he's been spotted out drinking at weekend and at a wedding. He's off sick from work so now HR are getting involved. I'm thinking it should just be a warning? If he gets sacked I won't be able to afford the house. 😪

Depends why he’s off sick. I was off sick for months last year, I didn’t stay home the whole time. At one point I went on holiday, it’s not illegal to attend a wedding whilst on sick leave from work. I can understand his work perhaps being annoyed but technically if he has a doctors note and has been deemed unfit for work it’s none of their business what he’s doing.

This.

HR are on extremely dodgy ground if they are getting 'involved' because someone reported him in the pub/at a wedding. He has a fit note which states he is unfit to work, and that's a medical decision. It is no one else's right to decide what he is and isn't allowed to do. If he's signed off with stress, for example, he's allowed out the house.

He will not be 'given a warning' and he certainly won't be sacked. How on earth do you know, 'HR are involved' anyway?

Maybe he will be in trouble, maybe he won’t. Maybe he sent a text to his boss saying he had terrible gastro, or a blinding migraine. Which he quite obviously doesn’t. Many people communicate far more with their companies than just sending the gp note in.

He is ruining my life, still. He's so narcissistic. He makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. He agreed to alternate weekends, and not to disrupt the children's school week. Now he wants to pick tjem up from school, take them to swimming (which i have been doing for 4 years). He says I'm not being flexible, I allow him to change dates and times to suit. But we agreed to leave the working week the same so they have routine. I've discussed this with kids and they are happy with the arrangements
They don't want to spend more time with him. He is makkng me feel ljke I am doing something wrong, I feel constantly anxious and scared about the future. I wish he'd stick to the arrangements for the kids and leave me alone. I have blocked him on WhatsApp now, I have sent him a list of times and dates for the rest of the year! Hopefully no communication is needed now

I feel so mad at him.. please end it. Even if he does decide he wants his family fuck him. He gives zero fucks about you right now and has been dipping his toe in other pools!! Please please end it first. I know how sad you will feel. But your poor children aswel. They clearly don't mean much either to him. Depression is depression. It doesn't make them want sex and love elsewear. It makes their sex drive shrink in general. Christ with real depression they would not have the energy to find excitement

I’m sorry, @Bboo3. You are managing this so well, in the face of significant selfishness and provocation. You are doing nothing wrong: just looking out for your children’s best interest, which include as much stability as is possible under the circumstances.

I believe there are some apps that are designed to help with coparenting in cases like this where he’s abusing other communication methods to try and make you doubt yourself. Hopefully with the dates you have given them, that will minimise the need for contact, but moving forward you’ll have to find something that can work.

Given the way he is behaving, have you been keeping notes of his behaviour, conversations, etc? If not, you have a good starting point on this thread, but it is probably good to have a notebook dedicated to logging things so that you have contemporaneous notes if you ever need to evidence things. Even if you never need it in court, it will give you something you can read back to yourself to remind you that you’re not crazy, and that he’s just gaslighting and trying to absolve himself of any guilt for blowing up the family.

Big hugs.

I’ve only read your origin post so far but I would be saying ok see you 👋🏻 there’s no way I would ever allow him back if his heads been turned.

How’s it going OP?
I know it’s not a nice thing to think of but have you changed your will , insurances etc to make sure your kids and not your soon to be Ex are your beneficiaries?
A friend of mine didn’t and her Ex got her house - not the kids dad . She had paid for it not him before they married .

Ex has shown he can’t be trusted with putting your kids before his own

He needs a week off from the family and your marriage? Fuck that. Get documents, marriage certificate/DC birth certificates and all financial paperwork in order and protect yourself and DC.