Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

He works 8-5 Mon to Fri. So he can't pick them up or take them to school/nursery.

well, so do I and my DH - there’s lots of children where neither parent can pick them up / take them. He can use wrap around care like lots of other people. Your argument cannot be that the can’t see them in the week because of that.

Take care OP.
I think he walked away because he met someone else. Not because he couldn’t cope. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum?

Either way be prepared for him to want to come back ‘because he’s sorted his head out’ if this new relationship doesn’t work out.

You sound strong. You will be OK. Sorry he’s been such a turd.

💐

He didn’t walk away because he couldn’t cope. He walked away because he thought the grass was greener and now he’s abandoning his responsibilities and you’re making excuses for him.

Was the 2 year old happy to be with his father before your H left? Unless there's neglect, your children have a right to see their father. They know they are part of you both. I hope you don't do what my parents did and fight each other to the detriment of us children. They divorced in the 1980s and I still recall the bitterness 40 years later. I understand it is hard but if you could try and rise above it your children will thank you in years to come.

He’s not though. He’s going to see his dad

I am trying my hardest. No my 2 year old would always cry if I left him with H.
We are getting a consent order drawn up. Every Friday eve and every other Saturday. Which will turn into Friday nights out each week when the kids are ready and he has a place for them stay. He's in a summerhouse right now!
That will be legally binding. It will also say I'm the main caregiver and their legal residence is my address.
Husband is signing a legal doc that says I will pay him £15k of the house when sold/remortgaged and that he won't ask for anymore.

I don't doubt you're trying your best and wish you all well in resolving this very difficult and upsetting circumstance. You've had an enormous shock. All I was trying to say was the children are the most important thing, they deserve to see both their parents, and if you two parents end up fighting each other it'll be your children that experience distress not wanting to disappoint either of their parents and they won't forget the distress even into adulthood. I sincerely wish you well.

Thank you. I feel happy we have time to an agreement. And he has agreed to take ot slow with them. If they don't want to go we will both try to persuade and excite them to go with him. But he said he won't drag them out.

Well done OP, you have come a long way since your 1st post.
My ExH left when our DS was 4months, he's 16 now.
I always had to big up his Dad for him to go 1day a week, sometimes he stayed overnight (from 3) They have a good relationship now, kind of like an older friend/uncle more than a Dad though, as he has not put enough of his time into his son. You only get back what you put in. I put everything in and have a wonderful son. X

I’ve been following your thread and I wanted to say well done. 👏🏻 I don’t know where you’ve found the strength but I can see a real shift in your mindset. It’s all his fault non of it is yours. He’s a twat. Good luck 💐

I've had my first solicitor meeting.
House is a clean break, which can only be done once we divorce, and as it has only been 2 weeks!! I thought this was a little early. So the solicitor is going to draw up an agreement in principle which can be signed now and will come into force once we divorce, whenever that will be. Divorce will cost £1200 plus court fees, but I'm emotionally not ready to divorce, even if he has taken his wedding ring off. This agreement says I will give him a lump sum and I will pay the mortgage from now on. When I can remortgage I will take his name off and give him his money.
In terms of the children - the solicitor said I am in control and I call the shots. Once I told her my full story she said he has shown coercive behaviour, emotional abuse and a lack of responsibility, and not just shown over the last few weeks but throughout our relationship.
I have used the parenting planning tool on CAFCASS website to draw up a plan which is sent to him, in terms of children visitations. As long as he agrees, which he has verbally, we will stick to the agreement until we both agree something should change. He said he won't take the children if they really don't want to go, he won't drag them away and we will both try to persuade them to go, gently.
I feel so much better after being to the solicitor and knowing where I stand. She has 34 years of experience in family law and she said she knows this type of man, he won't fight for anymore contact. And even if he does fight, it will go to mediation first and I will be able to show that I am the main caregiver and I have the children's wellbeing in mind. I am being responsible and cooperative. his past and present behaviour will show he cannot care for the children 50:50.

Yes I do still miss him, and I will listen to him if he wants to speak to me. But he isn't the same man anymore. That makes me sad.

Well done OP, sounds very positive. ⚘️

The switch from how you were a couple of weeks ago to now, you being in charge and on the ball, is incredible. Straighten that crown 👑 and remember who you are @Bboo3

Thank you, I feel a bit better during the day. But the nights are a killer. I'm so lonely once the children are asleep. It's tempting to message him but I don't.

@Bboo3

I find nights the worst too. It's been 2 years since my ex husband left for a couple of days to sort his head out but didn't come back!
I filed for divorce within about 8 weeks. I knew I'd get the most favourable outcome the sooner I did it whilst he felt the most ashamed and embarrassed and was resolute about his reasons for leaving. He barely contested anything and I walked away with my pensions (worth ten times what his are) and 70% of house (i was the main earner x3 his salary). He's said as much that had he had 12/18 months post walk out to think about it he'd never have signed the financial consent order on those terms. So I wouldn't delay too much OP. I know it's early days but even my solicitor said as soon as his fellow divorced colleagues get whispering in his ear or his new flame then all of a sudden you are the evil money grabbing cow out to take everything he has worked for so best to get in quick before that happens!

This is a crazy thought but if I don't get a child arrangement order, what happens if I die? Will he get them 100% of the time? Or do I need to create a will? Can I say where they go if I don't have the main carer arrangement?

They’ll go to their father of course regardless if you make a will children can’t be given to anyone it’s against the law.

Yes they would go to him 100% of the time. I would guess if they have regular contact with family on your side and he then tried to prevent that they could take him to court for access but that's still pretty unusual

It's something that's crossed my mind before. That ultimately if something happened to me he'd be back living in this house reaping the benefits of it (my insurance etc would pay the mortgage off)

I have a sibling noted as executor of my will. She despises him so I know she will have the children's best interests at heart - all my estate is willed to them so then I would presume if something happened to me and he had to live here then he'd have to pay "rent" to the children as the owners of the house

But honestly don't dwell on it too much - the odds of it happening hopefully are pretty non existent

Just an update - my solicitor has been instructed to start divorce proceedings. She is also drafting a letter for ex to sign about child arrangements. Also a clean break order for the house finance. He's agreed to surrender all responsibilities and will get 10k when I remortgage. Which will be approx 5 years away.
1 month after he asked for a break and I'm lying in bed alone paying for divorce. I'm so lonely, angry, sad and just lost. I'm so glad I have my children.

I am sorry, it has all happened so bloody quickly.

I promise, it will get better. You and your children will be OK, believe that xx

So fast. He already has a nee girlfriend, the woman he cheated on me with. I hope it doesn't last. Why should he be happy.
My 6 year old daughter asked if I would get married again because she wants a daddy that lives at home. Poor girl.

Your poor little girl. But she'll be okay. You're showing her how to be a strong woman and that men are weaker and a woman doesn't need one.

Two months after ex h and j were divorced, 14 months after we split, he is dating someone. Men are so pathetic that they can't manage alone. Or entitled.

I am glad your divorce is only costing £1200. Mine was over 11k.

Hey I wish you the best unfortunately i know the heartbreak yiu are going through so well, with young children too. I would recommend getting therapy through the gp it will take a while but it will help you process the abuse this man has put you through and the divorce .

It has all happened very quickly, mine was very much the same in very similar circumstances and I remember how hard it was for my brain and heart to catch up with each other.

Looking back, it was best that ex-DH signed off on the papers when he did, because he still had a shred of guilt and was too distracted by his new flame (it didn't last by the way!)

Had I have waited, his guilt would have passed and he might have taken the time to consider what he was doing in a little more detail. Like yours, my ex-husband walked away with barely anything and he now seethes over it.

I did what I needed to do to keep a roof over mine and my children's heads and keep myself financially stable and looking back I am relieved that I did, even though it was beyond difficult at the time.

It does get easier.

I was following your original post as I had a similar thing happen to me around the same time. My exh has now shacked up with the 20 year old girl he had been seeing behind my back since April (he's 41) We have heard nothing since. Me and 3 young children left absolutely shattered and they miss him terribly. Having to hold everything together while dealing with your own deep emotional trauma is like a nightmare you can't wake up from. I will say I have finally started sleeping and eating again. And have found some comfort in the fact I've found out now giving me a chance at starting a new life rather than him running off with someone younger in 20 years time wasting more of my life. My inbox is open if you want to talk. Hang in there. We will get through this 🩷