Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

Exactly. It will bite you in due course if you don't..

That's disgusting. How harmful is that to my 2 year old boy. Being forced away from his mum!

Came to say exactly this. I am sorry OP but based on what you have shared, there is nothing that will prevent 50/50 being applied by the courts. i remember well my 3 yo DD screaming for me as she went off to her fathers and it KILLED me but after a few weeks she was used to the routine and it all settled down. You should encourage time spent independently from you now before the court orders it, better to build up to it over time than they go to half the week away!!

I agree that this is too much responsibility for small children to have to bear. It's not fair on them to have the weight of this sort of decision on their shoulders, even though they're saying it's what they want. Plus I have experience of my daughter's dad seeing her at my house when we first split up, because we both thought it would be best, and it was horrible for both of us. He felt like he was being reminded he was no longer in the family home and got bitter about it, and I felt like what was now mine and my daughter's space was being invaded.

They have 2 parents OP, it’s harmful for them to be away from their dad as well and at the age your kids are their opinions are not relevant to court decisions, especially not a 2 year old. You have to help your children adjust and look forward to time with their dad.

He needs to make the effort. He cam round last night and just sat with them. They were bored within 20 mins.
I will always try to persuade them to go. But I will never force them.

It isn't about being forced away from his mum. It is about encouraging a healthy relationship with their father. You need to separate your justifiable anger with him from their need to spend time with him. They are too young to decide for themselves.

I am sure they happily did things with him, left the house with him before you were separated. That should continue. Every other Saturday, at home, is unduly restrictive. If you persist, you run the risk of him building a case for parental alienation and ending up with more than 50%, if he wants it.

Painful as it is, you need to be all bright and breezy, 'daddy is taking you to the park now, I will see you when you get home'. Big kiss, wave goodbye. Then go and scream into a pillow.

Yes I do try this. Last night I tried to get them to go for a walk to the park, it's only down the road, but they wouldn't
And actually even before we split they would cry when I left because I was there for them more than he was.

As I say, once court ordered yes you will force them if you have to. Otherwise you’d be in breach and could easily be faced with a parental alienation accusation. I understand emotions are high right now but this isn’t a situation that you alone can control.

I'm afraid that won't be your call to make- listen to those of us who have been where you are. The court will order it and you will need to abide with the ruling. The best thing you could do is go out and leave them to it. Seriously, you being there will be making things worse. Those kids will definitely be picking up vibes from you - my daughter certainly did from me looking back even though I thought I hid it well. You run the risk of being accused of parental alinetation and then 50/50 will be the least of your worries. i'm sorry to sound harsh but you are the parent here and sometimes as parents we must do things in the best interests of our children, even if at first they don't like that decision. Start leaving the house when he visits, increasing in time. Let them go for weekends etc now as the court will insist on overnights and it will be worse on them if it goes from 20 min visits with mum hovering to 72 hours away just like that,

You said he was accusing and demanding hence thinking he wanted to come back to the home but still separated .

Cross post Mrsttcno1

I know it must be really awful for you, I'm sorry - seeing your babies upset at the same time as dealing with your own trauma sounds so difficult. But, as others have said, IF it goes to court and IF he wants 50/50, he'd likely get it. So you need to start helping your children by preparing them for spending time with him without you, not in your own home. Encourage them, don't ask them what they want (they're too young to make that kind of decision rationally). If, for example, you're saying 'do you want daddy to come here and see you?' then of course they're going to be saying yes.

Failing to comply with a court order constitutes contempt of court. If you are found to be in contempt of court you could be imprisoned. Therefore I would suggest that forcing them may be the lesser of two evils.

There is no court order yet, relax

Let him take you to court OP and let the courts decide.

In almost identical situation to yours my ex-DH made all the noises about wanting 50/50 access despite not having settled accommodation and "living" 1.5 hours away. Our twins were 7 months old so long travel wasn't ideal so whilst I never prevented it, I wanted to know what his plans were to care for them and keep them in their routine.

He never took me to court. I divorced him (no fault) but he never had anything added in around the access arrangements, I walked away with far more than 50% of the house and equity etc.

2 years down the line. He now sees them once a fortnight and feels this is perfectly fine and enough as he likes to have his "own time" and entertain his various girlfriends.

Dont stand in his way, but equally don't make it easy, put your children's wellbeing first. You sound like a phenomenal woman and mother x

Echoing what PPs have said about court ordered contact being enforced at that age. They’re not old enough for courts to take their wishes into account.

The other thing that you might be be being realistic about is your ability to stay in the family home unless you’re able to buy him out. If he can’t afford a new home without realising the equity and you don’t have the money to buy him out, courts will likely order the sale of the home to ensure both parties are adequately housed.

He could get games out

play hide and seek

castles even a 7 year would love that

movies too

why the hell didn’t he do any of that

plus sorting their tea out all for the benefit of the kids

I still think your kids would benefit from therapy too to process what’s happening

plus folks are right the kids will be made to go if court ordered

Yes I know that. But OP is saying that she will never force them, which does not put her in a good position for if their father decides to ask for a court order. It's a horrible, horrible situation and the sooner OP gets her head around it, the better.

He would need to money and get up and go to get a court order.
He works 8-5 Mon to Fri. So he can't pick them up or take them to school/nursery.
So every other weekend would be the only option

Talk to your solicitor

But be prepared for him to get one of his own and fight you.

There's no signs that he's in any way a decent man

I will fight to the end for my children to be happy. And if staying with me makes them happy, then that is what I'll fight for.

He walked away because he couldn't cope

Then hope that doesn't change and that he opts for the easy life

But if you can get your children going with other people - family and friends - it can only help them. It's very distressing for everyone when they're this clingy

His working hours are immaterial, he can use wraparound care for them before/after school like lots of families do. going to court is not overly expensive either. I know you are hurting, but telling yourself you will get your way is just burying your head in the sand. Be a good parent and encourage your children to maintain their relationship with the father. I get that you are not happy with him for what he has done to you, but the court will not care about that. They care about the best interests of the children and that is to have a relationship with both of their parents. A good friend of mine, her DH went to prison for a very violent offence against her - the court still awarded shared custody upon his release! You need to be realistic about this, as horrible as it will be for you.

If you think he won't cope, then just agree to 50/50 if he asks for it and eventually he just won't bother maintaining regular contact. That's what happens with a lot of men