Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

On the plus side, him going public with the new girlfriend makes it clear to everyone that he’s a faithless shit. And while he doesn’t deserve to be happy with her, rest assured that he will be feeling a great deal of pressure to make it work. After all, he’s blown up his marriage for her and he won’t want to feel that he has done so for nothing. So if there was anything to his mental health crisis beyond reconciling his marriage and his affair, he can’t be too comfortable under the surface.

But he’s not your problem any more, except as a co-parent and sorting out the nitty gritty of future finance and custody. In some respects, the speed of progress is helpful because he doesn’t have time to turn around and be selfish and obstructive over the finances. There are so many tales on here of men who are reasonable in the early days while they feel guilty and who get difficult when reality sets in. The more you can get signed off in your favour at this stage, the better for you, even if it does all feel like it has happened dizzyingly fast.

As sad as this is for you and the kids, it is perhaps telling that she wants a daddy, and not necessarily her specific daddy, at home. That speaks volumes about his involvement in their lives to date, alongside their general reluctance to see him outside of the home. There are good men out there and in time you will find one you can trust enough and who will love you and the kids for you, rather than making it all about him.

The 'positive' from doing it so quickly, even though it must hurt like hell and your head is probably an absolute whirlwind of emotions over his betrayal and behaviour, is that he's more likely to sign away 'more' out of' 'guilt' and his skewed sense of 'happiness' while he and his affair fling are in the throws of only showing their best sides to each other with no real responsibilities muddying the waters. Best time to take advantage of his poor behaviour and ensure you and your DC are looked after properly in your own home.

I imagine him throwing himself at his affair partner will eventually crash and burn and leave him angry that he 'gave' you everything (he didn't; you earned it and you and your Dc deserve it), and you will be better off in the long run without the arsehole.

I can't believe i ever thought our relationship was worth saving.
He is still shacked up with the home wrecker in his mums summerhouse. He is dragging his feet in sorting out the divorce, child arrangements and financial issues. He's not even at work! He's had 4 weeks off sick! So he sits all day doing fuck all, goes out most nights and gets pissed with her, and then sees the kids 4 hours a week. Oh and he's cancelled this weekend with them already, but when I asked why he said none of my business, he'll see them Thursday instead. I'm so over him. I wish he'd leave permanently. My children are better off away from him, they still don't want to go unless I persuade. My son (2) wont go at all. And then he cancels!

What a low life - how disappointing.

Unfortunately, as expected, it has turned nasty and he is now threatening me. After all he has done to me and our family. I want to get the legal side sorted, he dod t agree with the draft child arrangement order, but he wouldn't tell me which part, he just kept saying its not worded like the agreement we had in place. I wanted more detail to which bit he wanted my solicitor to change. I am so angry and just at the end to be honest. He's so nasty.

I feel your pain, I really do. I would sooo upset if my hubby did this. Sooo upset. Its so un grown up of him.
Start taking some control of the situation, thats what I would do. Start laying down YOUR terms now. For one, that might mean that you want a conversation about what the hell is going on and you state when you are available for this conversation.

If this is COMPLETELY uncharacteristic of him, I may allow some grace,IDK. (Whats really going on for him?) If this was a boyfriend or u didn't have 18 yrs and a family together, that would be an easy...get out of my face scenario, but its a difficult situation for you with the length of time you have been together, kids etc .
But man its weak , its goddman weak! Very unattractive behaviour indeed! Loss of respect for sure!

Apologies , if my msg is dated now, I havent read the most recent replies. Good luck

Fine. Let him take you to court for 50/50. No judge in their right mind will give him 50/50 to have the kids living in the shed in his mother’s garden.

I am just gob smacked at the audacity and pure fucking cheek of him. I really am.

His dropping the plans for the kids on a whim won’t work when he has the 50/50 that he wants, now will it?

He won't get 50/50, he's an alcoholic, drug using, depressed loser. He's just lost everything. And now he blaming it in me and bullying me.

So he’s going for joint custody whilst not working and living in his mum’s summer house 😂he is a joke amongst other things.
I have been a single parent to four kids for all but a couple of years, to sum up a few important things
You and kids will be fine and you will always be the most important person in their lives.
They will grow up and decide for themselves what a pathetic excuse for a dad he is.
Until they are old enough to speak up for themselves to their dad, you are always going to be blamed for them not wanting to see him.
Your ex is always going to be unreliable and change plans at his whim.
Money is always going to be a problem (maintenance) and ex will always think you are spending it on yourself.
Finally any scrapes, problems your kids have will always be blamed on your parenting!
You will be stronger than you ever imagined💕

Men who run off with OW tend to get nasty like this, it’s part of their internal narrative that they are still good people and you were the problem all along. Your anger is very understandable and needs to be expressed but not to him. I would stay cool and goal oriented.

Tbh, I would step back and let the solicitor communicate with him directly. Only communicate factually about child drop offs etc and don’t reply to messages like the one he sent you above. Keep a record of child arrangements made and then cancelled too. You never know if you might need it.

Yes, I will keep cool and calm. I have told my solicitor that he won't agree to the draft letter and he wants it to sound like our agreement. I have sent the cafcass parent plan we agreed on. Hopefully solicitor re words it and he signs it.

Just a word of warning, solicitors will tell you anything you want to hear when it comes to child arrangements. A judge will award more contact than you are suggesting, if that what your ex wants and there are no safeguarding issues. More than anything though, only the children suffer when going through lengthy family court proceedings. It could be years of different professionals visiting them and it will cost you lots. Put your anger to one side and properly prepare your children for regular and meaningful contact with their dad to save all the pain in the future.

I am trying. He is seeing then every Friday and every other Saturday. He is happy with that. They are happy with that.
All i want is it to be a legal child arrangement. Is that not a good thing? Means I can't say no to him one week. Means he can't let them down.

There's no safeguarding issues, but he's living in a summerhouse. So he cant have them there. He's living in his mums garden, and his mum hasn't had contact with the children for 2 years, bearing in mind my youngest child is 2, he doesnt have a clue who she is.

Even if You have court arrangements and he can still let them down
a parent can’t be forced to parent. Sorry.

Plus he is a safeguarding problem if an alcoholic and a drug user as he’d be deemed unsafe to have them unsupervised. Also do you have proof of this if it goes to court.

I have texts when he has stayed out all night drunk, and he's texting me about the drugs he's taken.
Not sure what other proof I could have.
I don't want it to come to that, honestly I don't.
Yes I spose even if legal he could let them down. But part of it explains the times he had to bring them back to me. I don't want him to take them and to refuse to bring them back.

Yep he's having an emotional affair.
What a pathetic toad.
I'd tell him he's not coming back and ask him what 50% of the school drop offs and pick ups he'll be doing whilst you sort custody agreements and divorce.
He'll soon come crawling back, but I'd think very carefully before accepting him.

Sorry op I missed your update. You've done amazingly well.

That’s a different kind of child arrangement with a powers of arrest attached if he doesn’t return and is hard to get sadly.

it might come to that regarding the drug and drink in excess and using it to safeguard the kids

Make sure you tell everyone first @Bboo3 , and do let them know the clincher was he did not ONCE ask after the children, and even had the temerity to suggest you leave his trainers on the step so he can just get them without seeing the kids, so it's clear to you OW is more important to him than his family.

edited as just seen he's at his mums

He is now asking for the children to sleep at his, he is in a summerhouse!
They would sleep in his double bed with him.
Ive said no. He needs to get his own place. And then we'll sort overnight stays.
He has told me I'm not being flexible and has threatened to take me to court, for the second time.
Ive blocked him on everything but whatsapp so we can communicate about visitations.
He is still yet to sign the parental plan that the solicitors drew up for us.
Am I right? 3 children can't sleep in his double bed with him in a summerhouse can they?
He's so nasty at the moment. I can't take his messaging anymore.