Where do all the single, nice 45+ men go?

[OnthetracktoLondon]

Hello,

OLD just is not working for me. I’m a 52 year old female, not bad for my age, in a professional job, like the outdoors, love to travel, love long weekends in London…

I just don’t like anyone on OLD. It’d not the right platform for me and it feels like an Argos catalogue.

I am feeling down about it all.

Left a long, sexless marriage, about 4 years ago now simply because there was no affection/attraction there and a ten year age gap (that didn’t help).

Where am I going wrong?

So you’d see someone with a genetic health issue such a diabetes as a negative? There’s many health conditions that are nothing to do with not looking after themselves, it’s something they’re born with or develop over time.

I speak as a 58 year old who hasn’t taken as much as an aspirin in years but I certainly wouldn’t rule out someone with a health issue that wasn’t due to lifestyle and was controlled by medication.

Well of course it’s a negative in that it’s something to worry about. Being with someone in good health is preferable surely? But again I didn’t say I’d rule it out!

In fact I’m going on a date tonight with someone on medication for (I think) an adrenal gland condition.

The main point of my post was to point out that dating in your 40s is as hard for men as it is for women (as in trying to find love, I probably have less tossers and dick pic senders to deal with 🤣🤣)

I agree with you. I wouldn’t date someone with health issues, I don’t want to become someone’s carer after a couple years of being in a relationship. Obviously we all get things wrong with us as we get older but I would prefer to date someone who looks after themselves. There seems to be a lot of men that are overweight which has caused health conditions, for me I would chose not to date someone who looks like a heart attack risk 😬

Exactly. Lots of women are the same unfortunately.

@Slackbladder22 "There appears to be a huge amount of women out there on long term medication for health conditions "

I'm 38, physically active, healthy weight, job I really like, my own house etc, friends, hobbies, love to read, like to volunteer. I've always wondered why I've never had a bf or been taken seriously by men I have been fond of.

I guess it's because I'm "on long term medication for a health condition". I have a genetic skin condition and have been on medication since my early twenties.

I had no idea this is making me totally worthless in the dating market!

I doubt it very much. I think people are referring g to life limiting conditions? I have had a skin condition all my life but I wouldn’t consider a reason for people not to date me. I think people are referring g more to things like diabetes, heart conditions etc…

Why are they even mentioning the medication they’re on a few dates in? That seems weird to me.

Agree it’s not exactly a genersl conversation with someone you’ve only met a few times.

My best friend is diabetic. Yes she takes daily medication but it’s literally a couple of pills and she gets on with her life. I’m shocked that people might think that a hereditary easily controlled medical condition like she has would be a deal breaker and judged as ‘not looking after herself’

It depends if it's T1 or T2 diabetes. Rightly or wrongly you could be judged for not taking care of yourself if you have T2.

It is true about single women. People might not want to accept it, but it is true. Unless you’re widowed, or have devoted your life to caring for an ill/disabled relative or an all-consuming career like live-in nannying, most people who are single into their fourties and fifties are single because there is something up with them, or they’ve had a relationship fail because there’s something up with them.

Wrongly in many cases. There’s a lot of ignorance regarding diabetes which I hold my hands up to until she told me about hers.

Hers is T2 but it’s age onset due to her pancreas not working as it should and having a family history with same issues.

To write someone off for having a hereditary condition that doesn’t majorly impact their life seems pretty judgemental imo

See I don't understand this. Does that mean that OP and I are not decent ones because we're not "taken"?

I know that's not what you really mean but it works both ways, there are some decent men and women still single for various reasons. We're not all bad!

Agree. At my age (58) making my friends are divorced or widowed. Nothing wrong with any of us, it’s just circumstances.

Seeing as pretty much half of marriages fail it’s pretty judgemental to say that anyone who’s divorced must have something wrong with them as has been implied. Sometimes life just happens and we move on

Many people who have "something wrong with them" are desperate to get into any available relationship and stay in it at all cost.

I agree. The people I know who are long term single (2+ years) are the ones not desperate that any partner is better than none. I find they’re more confident and secure with themselves and see a partner as a bonus not a priority.

It’s the ones who jump from relationship to relationship barely letting the bed get cold that I think have more issues.

I don't really get your point about long-term health conditions being a turn-off for you unless they're caused by lifestyle i.e obesity. I'm a good decade younger than you, but my H is 6 years older than you and developed hypothyroidism around your age. He looks after himself but its genetic (both his parents had autoimmune conditions) so he is on medication for life. You also complained about a date being peri-menopausal! Well that's a natural part of life, complaining about it seems a bit ignorant tbh. Most women your age probably will be in that transition. You are middle-aged as well! You are also going through changes and your health may take a turn at some point despite how healthy you think yourself to be.

I did have one longish relationship but it turned out she was off sick from work, in huge amounts of debt, was having counselling and was peri menopausal (extremely grumpy). The sec was amazing though 🤣

That's a really unpleasant attitude I must say.

I went on a date with a guy in his mid 50’s who moaned about menopausal women - know your audience mate!

For better or worse, in sickness and in health... but only mine.

People can have relationships fail because there was something wrong with their partner and they have good boundaries. Maybe they’re not in a relationship because they don’t want to be after their last relationship they’re not in any rush for another because they don’t place their worth on having a partner, and will only be in relationships when the person enhances their life.

On the flip side, I know people in long term relationships who aren’t suited to each other but don’t want to start over because of a people with attitudes like yours they think they won’t find someone, and I know plenty as i said upthread who, despite being walking red flags, never have any trouble finding new relationships.

No wonder more people are single than ever before and there’s a population decline with blanket attitudes like this.

It’s not the ‘health issues’ themselves that put me off -tho’ I do find that expression cringey -why not just say I’ve got diabetes etc, but that people see it as an inevitability over the age of 40 (just saw it on here today) and then use age as an excuse not to take responsibility for their own health. I am 63 and have no health issues or signs of any. I prefer to be with younger people because they don’t bore on about ‘health issues’. So yes I would be definitely be put off someone on long term meds/y/not exercising/making excuses and embracing decline.

Well, let's just hope you're not the type who drops dead of a heart attack when out for a run, then.

Someone might say they're diabetic, if it comes up, if it's why they don't want some sugary snack at the cinema or something. I would probably just say, "no thanks, I'm fine without," rather than explain why.

But the only health issue I've ever discussed at a first date or before was one man's blindness, as he couldn't drive, so it restricted where we went. And I'm very, very glad I met up with him.

Generally, someone who wanted to talk about their health conditions on a first date - yeah, no. Need to have built up a bit of a relationship and trust first, unless it has a direct impact on a date, like not being able to drive. Many health conditions are entirely manageable.

@batt3nb3rg the way you write your opinion makes you sound rather arrogant and insufferable.

Does that apply to the divorced women too? They are bad uns? Nags? Etc?

Yeah, I didn't like the slam at menopause either, not the comments about people with health conditions. Most people start to develop health problems at a certain point in middle age.
These are exactly the kind of dismissive, selfish male attitudes that are out there, which is why it's hard to find a good one.