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Original poster

Where do all the single, nice 45+ men go?

311 replies

OnthetracktoLondon · 07/09/2024 16:47

Hello,

OLD just is not working for me. I’m a 52 year old female, not bad for my age, in a professional job, like the outdoors, love to travel, love long weekends in London…

I just don’t like anyone on OLD. It’d not the right platform for me and it feels like an Argos catalogue.

I am feeling down about it all.

Left a long, sexless marriage, about 4 years ago now simply because there was no affection/attraction there and a ten year age gap (that didn’t help).

Where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
lololulu · 08/09/2024 22:49

I'd say most are married / in long term relationships

XChrome · 08/09/2024 22:51

LifesABagOfSpanners · 08/09/2024 11:38

Urgh, this depressing.

Relatively recently divorced here, and mid 40s.

I recently ended a relationship with someone as it didn’t feel right and I didn’t see a future with him.
Should I have stayed because he was the best I’m going to get?

No way. You still leave, if only because it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.

Missamyp · 08/09/2024 22:55

XChrome · 08/09/2024 22:46

It means "not all men are like that."
For the record, women know it's not all men. That's why it's irritating when somebody scolds us with a NAMALT post.
The problem is that it's a hell of a lot of men.

It's interesting that you think fancying someone is completely about looks, not character or personality. This is a legitimate grievance women have- that most men are shallow, superficial and treat us as objects.

Nobody says there is not a single decent available male. It's just that the ratio of decent women to decent men is extremely unbalanced. This is why you see women who have a lot going for them dating losers. They settle for less than they deserve because they can't find a man at their own level.

Show quote history

Your post is contradictory.
Men are superficial yet you claim that some women have to settle because they can't find a man at their level. What level?
I've never seen these fictional men moaning about not being able to date younger women. They either are or they aren't dating younger women.
What I do see is rants from middle aged women describing their frustration when attempting to date in this age group.

XChrome · 08/09/2024 23:02

dreamuntilitsyours · 08/09/2024 17:13

I had the shock of my life when I tried dating apps aged 35 after my 12 year marriage ended.

I would only date my age and above but I couldn't believe how many men aged 40+ seemed to want to be forever behaving like Peter Pan, had strong opinions on dating women with children, seem to have limited conversational ability, yet all are quick to share how dire internet dating has been for THEM, every woman they speak to either has no sense of humour or are "crazy".

Awful experience

Yep. They complain about their exes in their profiles FFS. I've even seen photos of the exes in profiles with devil horns added, a skull head, and (worst) white scribbling that was probably meant to look like semen.
So many vile, disgusting men out there.
Anyone who tells you that women, on average, are just as bad, is a liar or delusional.

XChrome · 08/09/2024 23:04

localnotail · 08/09/2024 21:59

I agree...

Female cant find a partner - accepting, humble, maybe sad, oh well, maybe I'm not good enough, gets on with life
Male cant find a partner - (and not any partner, usually an attractive younger partner) - women are horrid, I have been cheated out of my right, I'm a nice guy, poor me

Show quote history

Truth.

50andhopeless · 08/09/2024 23:28

NewGreenDuck · 07/09/2024 18:55

If they are over 45 and not married then there is something wrong with them. They are either divorced because they couldn't make a marriage work, or don't actually want a relationship just sex, or they are used to living by themselves. My late DH had several friends who weren't married, either divorced or happily single. I can safely say they were all slightly odd/eccentric.

It's so ridiculous that you don't even realise the irony of your words. This would apply equally to all women complaining in this thread.

EBearhug · 08/09/2024 23:32

I'm 50 and very new to OLD, only signed up out of boredom but somehow managed to hook up with one of the hottest guys I have ever laid eyes on within a week 😂. I'm not looking for a serious relationship though so I realise my experience is probably not the norm!

No, I had a similar experience- well, I'd had quite a few dates before this one, and I only answered his ping as I was bored at Christmas, but OMG, he's an amazing man in so many ways. They are out there.

EBearhug · 08/09/2024 23:35

50andhopeless · 08/09/2024 23:28

It's so ridiculous that you don't even realise the irony of your words. This would apply equally to all women complaining in this thread.

Show quote history

It might be true, but the women are probably already thinking, "what's wrong with me, what do I need to change?" and the men are more likely to think, "what's wrong with them, doesn't anyone on this website take it seriously?" (Based on quite a few profiles I've seen - I swipe no on anyone who says thst.)

messybuns · 09/09/2024 00:04

Online dating in your 40’s isn’t much different to late 20’s early 30’s. It’s still trying to find a needle in a haystack at any age as not everyone is supposed to be the right fit for you personally and vice versa. Finding a good person who you find physically attractive and have a connection with is a rare thing when it comes to online dating or not there wouldn’t be so many single people even in their 20’s & 30’s if we all came across it easily. And of course there are still good men out there, people divorce for many reasons but that doesn’t necessarily make them damaged or abusive. You get what your expect to find most time and that goes for all things in life.

Lucy25 · 09/09/2024 00:21

messybuns · 09/09/2024 00:04

Online dating in your 40’s isn’t much different to late 20’s early 30’s. It’s still trying to find a needle in a haystack at any age as not everyone is supposed to be the right fit for you personally and vice versa. Finding a good person who you find physically attractive and have a connection with is a rare thing when it comes to online dating or not there wouldn’t be so many single people even in their 20’s & 30’s if we all came across it easily. And of course there are still good men out there, people divorce for many reasons but that doesn’t necessarily make them damaged or abusive. You get what your expect to find most time and that goes for all things in life.

I’ve commented a few times on this thread, afterwards, l thought am l coming across as just moaning, which was not my intention, there’s just been so much negativity.
I definitely agree with what you’re saying and it’s good to read something positive and insightful.

EBearhug · 09/09/2024 00:27

If you went into a bar, you'd immediately look past most of the people there. OLD is the same, it's just you have to physically swipe them, so you you are more conscious of rejecting them.

aurynne · 09/09/2024 00:50

I will chime in to say that, in my opinion and experience, the proportion of men who are violent/selfish/useless in bed/useless with chores/unintelligent/arrogant/looking for someone to take care of them is much higher than the proportion of women with similar "traits".

Women tend to learn about this as they age and they experience different relationships, and they become choosier. I know plenty more women after 35 who are single and relieved to be on their own than men. Single men tend to be bitter and live in filth. Not all of them. I am sure there are some very content bachelors, but I am still to meet many of them.

And most men don't tend to have such high standards for women, even the really good ones. For most of them who are looking for romance, if the woman looks ok and shows an interest, they will give her a chance. That is why "the good ones get snapped up quickly". Because they can't be on their own for long, so they choose the first woman who they deem "okay-ish". While women tend to go to many more dates and think much more deeply about whether this person in front of them will make their life better. Because women have way more to lose if they make a mistake.

Most men's lives are improved by being with a woman.

The same cannot be said the other way around.

So unfortunately, the single men left are, in a much higher proportion than single women, not very good/don't have much to offer/they are bitter, weird or unhappy, or everything at the same time.

The problem with men is, simply, that too many of them are shit. Not all of them, but too many. Even other men can see that.

Opentooffers · 09/09/2024 01:27

It is slim pickings, I'm 53 " you'll meet someone right when you least expect it" gets old after being being single since 36 and dabling on and off with OLD. I suspect its probably best to use with the expectation that short term relationships are the best you can hope to get out of it. I've stopped hoping to find partnership, that's fine, it's better to be on your own than with the wrong person, as you know. It's also so unlikely that you'll find a man good enough long term. Plenty can manage to appear decent at the start till their mask slips.
Might be worth trying hobby and social groups, or perhaps join a walking or sporting group if you are active.The wost that can happen is social interaction , and you might make friends. It's more enjoyable to chat to men without having to date them I find.

XChrome · 09/09/2024 02:27

"You get what your expect to find most time and that goes for all things in life."

That sounds very similar to the myth that we "manifest" what we want just by our attitude.
Not true on either count.
You can have high expectations or low expectations and it makes no difference, because it's primarily about luck. If you do happen to meet somebody suitable, it's almost entirely down to good fortune. Right place, right time. There is some effort involved in putting yourself out there, but that will get you nowhere without luck.

treesbare · 09/09/2024 02:49

There was a thread about this a while ago. 'Where do the single men go?' I think it was called.

I've seen the most in gym, spin classes (though there's no real opportunity for chatting) and some yoga, but only ashtanga. Running groups also supposed to be good. Scarce at dance and book groups. In my experience anyway.

messybuns · 09/09/2024 03:22

@XChrome It’s not manifesting it’s just the energy you’re putting into dating. If you expect that the only men that are left are damaged and broken then that’s all you’re going to see in people. Of course there are plenty of unsuitable men but there are plenty of unsuitable men in their 20’s & 30’s as well, age doesn’t change that. What I find unattractive looks and personality wise might be your dream man and relationship. We aren’t supposed to connect and fall in love with just anyone and not everyone has the same type. I think people are lucky if they meet that person for them even a 2-3 times in life. So yes it’s luck but it’s also just a general attitude towards dating.

AnAussieHaiku · 09/09/2024 04:21

Why hope for good men

Misogynists, all of them

Truth hurts, sets us free

XChrome · 09/09/2024 04:23

messybuns · 09/09/2024 03:22

@XChrome It’s not manifesting it’s just the energy you’re putting into dating. If you expect that the only men that are left are damaged and broken then that’s all you’re going to see in people. Of course there are plenty of unsuitable men but there are plenty of unsuitable men in their 20’s & 30’s as well, age doesn’t change that. What I find unattractive looks and personality wise might be your dream man and relationship. We aren’t supposed to connect and fall in love with just anyone and not everyone has the same type. I think people are lucky if they meet that person for them even a 2-3 times in life. So yes it’s luck but it’s also just a general attitude towards dating.

It's not that age changes it. It's that the good ones get partnered up, usually sometime in their 30s, and, being good guys, they stay with that woman. So by 40, the best ones are off the market.

Lucy25 · 09/09/2024 08:39

XChrome · 09/09/2024 04:23

It's not that age changes it. It's that the good ones get partnered up, usually sometime in their 30s, and, being good guys, they stay with that woman. So by 40, the best ones are off the market.

Show quote history

In my experience with friends, relatives,
colleagues, I haven’t found that to be the case, that men who stay in long term relationships, are all the good ones.Even with my parents, who stayed together for 30 yrs, until my dad passed away.I’ve seen, friends, relatives, with husbands who are unhappy, feel taken for granted, lonely and in controlling relationships.On the surface, long term relationships, seem ok, it’s only in the time l’ve spend with couples, l got to see that’s not always the case. l’ve read so many posts from women, who are struggling on Mumsnet, in their marriages/long term relationships and these men are supposedly the good guys.For whatever reason, many, just stay in a relationship and it doesn’t mean it’s a happy one.So l just don’t see it, that all the good men are the ones in relationships.

Seaoftroubles · 09/09/2024 09:22

In my experience if a man is half decent his wife/ partner will put up with a lot to stay with him and try to make the relationship work, often because of not wanting to break up the family. Men not so much, their heads are easily turned, you only have to read the many posts on here, and in the same way women post that their partners are good or great fathers but..then follows a list of very undesirable traits! Yet they hang on hoping for better treatment.
That's why l think there's fewer good men online, not all men obviously but the majority of the decent ones in the age bracket the op is looking for are few and far between.

messybuns · 09/09/2024 11:56

@XChrome Good people fall out of love. Good people change and relationships change over time they aren’t stagnant. I think many people stay together for financial reasons and the children but a lot of people aren’t truly happy so some decided to leave. But that doesn’t make them bad people or bad men. They may be unsuitable for you but they probably would have been unsuitable for you at any age not just because they are 45+. When I was online dating in my late 20’s it was like wading through mud trying to find a guy a liked, could actually communicate, wasn’t immature, had a decent career and that I personally found attractive. It’s no different now.

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 12:47

There is virtually no such thing as an involuntarily celibate woman, btw. Women who are celibate are usually celibate by choice, often because most of the men she's been with have been no good either in and out of bed.

Have to disagree with this. I’ve been single for several years and not found a man in that time that I’m attracted to enough to have sex.
Ive quite a few friends in same position - long term single, not into casual sexual encounters with men we’re not attracted to and would lose our celibate status tomorrow if we met someone suitable but we just haven’t.

Actually I did meet one guy there was a real spark with but he suffered severe ED unfortunately. Other than him, I’ve just not felt that sexual spark with anyone I’ve met through dating or in the wild.

And I’ve not had crap relationships or bad sex previously. My handful (as in can count on one hand) previous partners have all been really compatible sexually.

63isMe · 09/09/2024 13:17

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 12:47

There is virtually no such thing as an involuntarily celibate woman, btw. Women who are celibate are usually celibate by choice, often because most of the men she's been with have been no good either in and out of bed.

Have to disagree with this. I’ve been single for several years and not found a man in that time that I’m attracted to enough to have sex.
Ive quite a few friends in same position - long term single, not into casual sexual encounters with men we’re not attracted to and would lose our celibate status tomorrow if we met someone suitable but we just haven’t.

Actually I did meet one guy there was a real spark with but he suffered severe ED unfortunately. Other than him, I’ve just not felt that sexual spark with anyone I’ve met through dating or in the wild.

And I’ve not had crap relationships or bad sex previously. My handful (as in can count on one hand) previous partners have all been really compatible sexually.

Edited

I agree -I would love to have sex, but only with someone I am attracted to 😂

AzheetMDruhrz · 09/09/2024 13:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

ToniFire · 09/09/2024 14:26

AnAussieHaiku · 09/09/2024 04:21

Why hope for good men

Misogynists, all of them

Truth hurts, sets us free

What nonsense.

The double standards here are truly ridiculous. Imagine if a man made such broad sweeping statements about all women?

I can understand people's frustrations, but really, if you hold an attitude like this, it's little wonder if you struggle to meet someone. Some introspection might help you, rather than this antagonistic men vs women spiel. We're all just humans - and most people just want to be loved.

The big problem with modern dating now is people's inability to recognise their own faults when things don't work out. It's always "my ex was crazy" or "all men are misogynists" rather than acknowledging your own mistakes/failures.

Nobody is perfect, and everybody has faults. It's important to remember that.