Where do all the single, nice 45+ men go?

[OnthetracktoLondon]

Hello,

OLD just is not working for me. I’m a 52 year old female, not bad for my age, in a professional job, like the outdoors, love to travel, love long weekends in London…

I just don’t like anyone on OLD. It’d not the right platform for me and it feels like an Argos catalogue.

I am feeling down about it all.

Left a long, sexless marriage, about 4 years ago now simply because there was no affection/attraction there and a ten year age gap (that didn’t help).

Where am I going wrong?

I don't believe in this "falling out of love" claim within a long term partnership. There's infatuation, which is commonly considered "in love" and always fades with time (usually within 6 months to two years) and there's the mature, companionate love that comes when that initial passion fades. If you've been together a long time there should be no expectation of the "in love" feeling.
Somebody who leaves a long term, loving partner to look for an infatuation high is not a good person in my book.
I do realize that good people can change over time and become less compatible.
It means they should work on it, not jump ship. Good people will do that. Sometimes it doesn't work and they have to split up. These, however, are the minority of divorce cases.
Only 22% of divorces in the UK are joint applications.

Well that's the thing. Men don't need to feel any chemistry in order to have sex. Strictly speaking, neither do women, but they care much more about it.
So you are actually talking about being celibate by choice. You're choosing to turn down opportunities for sex because you don't feel the chemistry you want. You could have had sex but chose not to. So it is voluntary.

Nope. There's no contradiction.
I'm talking about at their level of character, not their looks. Their maturity level, their values, etcetera.

It sounds like you've never heard on incels if you think men never complain about not being able to get young, gorgeous women.
Other than those chronic whiners, men don't talk about their feelings much, so the fact that you've not heard this expressed means nothing.

Rants from middle aged women about how they can't get young guys? 🤔
Where? People on this thread are talking about trying to meet guys their own age.

Completely disagree with you. For one I haven’t had any offers of sex to turn down and I don’t see not wanting sex with random people you don’t find attractive as being ‘voluntarily celibate’

I personally find describing anyone who finds the thought of having sex with someone they’re not attracted to as choosing not to quite distasteful if I’m honest.

Having standards choosing sexual partners does not equal making yourself voluntarily celibate. My mind and body couldn’t do it - that’s not a choice

I wasn't saying that all the men who stay in long term relationships are good or that all long term relationships are good. Far from it.

I was saying good ones are more likely to stick it out and work on it. Shitty ones often stay too, but only as long as they can't find somebody else. They do not, however, do anything to improve the relationship, so they often get dumped when the kids leave home. Gray divorce is a huge thing.

What you're describing as your personal experience sounds like some good men who stayed with shitty women, which only illustrates my point that good men tend to stay. That's why there are so few of them dating.

Oh absolutely. I hate being celibate - it’s the only thing I dislike about being single and if I met someone decent I’d be dragging them into bed but sadly the pickings out there are slim and grim

All celibate means is not having sex. All voluntary means is by personal choice. If you could get sex, but for whatever reason you don't want to, it's a choice. Your reasons for making that choice don't negate that.
You don't need to get offers either, as you can initiate.

We’ll have to agree to disagree because for me my mind and body being repulsed by the thought of sexual activity with someone I’m not attracted to is an involuntary physical and emotional reaction and not a choice.

But as I’ve said I’ve not met ANYONE since being single I’ve got a real attraction to why on earth would I imitate sex with someone I don’t fancy when I know that I wouldn’t be able to go through with it?

I suppose you could just put up a profile saying something like, "really need a good fuck, looking for NSA with a man," then just lie back and think of Tinder, but that doesn't mean it's likely to be a great experience, is it?

Wow!! Have you ever considered going into counselling!! 🚩

Incels are boys, not men-nor are they the age group being discussed at the moment.
People on this thread are talking about trying to meet guys their own age.
Well low and behold that is exactly what I said in my post, 'What I do see is rants from middle-aged women describing their frustration when attempting to date in this age group'.

The good-looking older men will be dating younger women.

They are usually in their 20s, so not boys. Older ones tend to identify more as something called MGTOW which stands for men going their own way but is basically older incels who claim they are no longer trying to get laid.

Okay, I see where the misunderstanding was. I thought you meant younger by "this age group" due to your preceding reference to men dating younger women.

How have you concluded that the wives in the relationship in your words are 'shitty’!! And the husbands are the good ones! from what l said.Unbelievable, I’m out.

No, I haven't. I'd have to deal with people all the time.

My point was that you can get sex, but that's not the same as getting good sex with some you like and respect and who likes and respects you back - which is a pretty basic low bar. So men saying, women can always get sex are - just talking bollocks, really.

You;
"I’ve seen, friends, relatives, with husbands who are unhappy, feel taken for granted, lonely and in controlling relationships."

Did you mean the friends and relatives were unhappy and not their husbands? That's why punctuation is your friend. A comma after husbands would completely change the meaning of that sentence.

You're out of something, that's for sure. Proper English usage, for one thing. Not my fault.

I don't believe that attraction is involuntary, since it's entirely psychological, not physical. The emotional response is what creates the physical desire. That doesn't have to mean you love or even like the person, just that the idea of sex with that person satisfies some kind of emotional need. We do learn to like a certain "type" because we feel that sort of man is likely satisfy it. Women are much more particular about it than men, because with men the primary emotional need tends to be ego satisfaction, so just about anyone will do. It feels involuntary because we don't necessarily know what emotional need we are looking to satisfy or how any particular guy fits in.

But I do take your point and can certainly agree to disagree.

Men don't really care if sex is good because they almost always reach orgasm regardless. That's why they think that way. Technically, we actually could get sex, but as you say, it would probably be bad, so it's not worth it.

I've been married over two decades and expect to remain so. But if things work out otherwise, this man won't be going anywhere near OLD. I don't think happiness is found in picking things from an online catalogue unless you're really into shopping.

What would I do? First, I would look for connections through social / recreational activities. Second, asking friends to set me up. Third, there are a couple of long-term friends I could see myself keeping the door ajar for. Basically, people I knew, or who could be vouched for by people I knew.

Everything I've read about OLD makes me think I would hate it and would have little luck. I'm short and thin and I have a funny face, and I think that's what really counts in fact, regardless of what is said, and even though financially I would be a good prospect. Women have always liked me. I've always had good women friends and I am very grateful for their friendship (though I deny they're clearly better than men), but I think part of the reason for that is that I've never been very attractive to them 😄 I like sex, but I've never been interested in it without love. So I would have no reason to try OLD.

I appreciate this is all hypothetical, but my experiences, and from what I've read of other people's experiences are that the men people here want to meet might just not be looking for love via OLD.

I was talking to a nice man at the weekend -saw him at two events on consecutive evenings -part of wider friendship groups. He is attractive, around 6ft- healthy, flattish stomach, early 60s, was widowed 9 years ago, but snapped up after a year by a friend-of-a friend he met at a local pub music gig. (I know them both, so know all this is true). They split up amicably a year ago and he has been on a few dates but with women he has met in this way -not on OLD - and he is adamant that he would rather remain single than go on OLD. He is nice, respectful, kind- has asked me out but I am just not attracted to him unfortunately (am still pinning for my ex😂) but we chat at events and I shall meet up with him with other friends who might like him, not in a matchmaking way but just make a connection in a group and let it evolve for them naturally if it is going to.

I'm short and thin and I have a funny face, and I think that's what really counts in fact, regardless of what is said

You might be right. My extremely attractive friend (beautiful face, slim, and waist length blonde hair) tried online dating and had lots of options. She met her husband through OLD, though she also said it was awful too as we had envied her going on all these dates, as it sounded exciting

Many of the "options" online are not those you'd want to take!

Most of the good-looking guys really know it & are often looking for casual - even if their profile says otherwise.

It is a minefield. Many use OLD as an option for short term fun.

It's the modern day equivalent of dodgy sleazy blokes in pubs & clubs hitting on you.

I’ve been using OLD on and off for the past two years, I’m 44. My wife died four years ago, we were happily married and would probably have been together forever. I dated someone I knew for a while but wasn’t ready for commitment at that time so we stopped seeing each other .

Then after some much needed time alone I dipped my toe in the OLD pool. For context I have a now seven year old daughter and fortunately a great family to help with childcare. I didn’t really have any expectations to be honest which was probably a good thing!

In the last 18 months I’ve dated women who talked about covid conspiracy theories on the first date, women whose profile pics were at least 10 years out of date (didn’t even recognise them when they turned up) others who I think may have felt a bit sorry for me and tried but realised me having a kid made it too hard (no hard feelings there), others I just didn’t fancy. I did have one longish relationship but it turned out she was off sick from work, in huge amounts of debt, was having counselling and was peri menopausal (extremely grumpy). The sec was amazing though 🤣

There appears to be a huge amount of women out there on long term medication for health conditions or with other issues.

Im in a decent professional job, own my own house, probably averagely good looking (maybe🤣). It’s not that easy for blokes either!

Despite all that I’ve actually enjoyed OLD and will go back if my current dating partner doesn’t work out (I met her through friends)

There appears to be a huge amount of women out there on long term medication for health conditions or with other issues.

A lot of men, too, once they're past 45 or so. If you're going to discount middle-aged people for being on long-term meds, you're really narrowing your field.

I didn’t say I’d discount them but as someone who is very healthy and looks after myself (doubt I’ve had more then ten sick days is twenty odd years) it’s a negative for sure

I'm on long term medication. I am also rarely off sick. I could be fitter, but I can swim 2000m in an hour, so I'm doing okay.

No one would necessarily know what meds I'm on unless I tell them, and I can't think of many conversations that come up about it, especially not on a first date.