Where do all the single, nice 45+ men go?

[OnthetracktoLondon]

Hello,

OLD just is not working for me. I’m a 52 year old female, not bad for my age, in a professional job, like the outdoors, love to travel, love long weekends in London…

I just don’t like anyone on OLD. It’d not the right platform for me and it feels like an Argos catalogue.

I am feeling down about it all.

Left a long, sexless marriage, about 4 years ago now simply because there was no affection/attraction there and a ten year age gap (that didn’t help).

Where am I going wrong?

I have one male friend in his early 50s who’s single because his partner died 10 years ago and he hasn’t found anyone he’s clicked with since so it’s been a few 1 to 2 year relationships ever since. There are normal single people out there.

Ignore the If you’re not married, you’re broken crew. Keep trying.

I am saying that, yes, under patriarchy where male power and money more than compensate for a lack of youth, that a well-off 49 year old man with a prestigious career has, unfairly, far more options than a 49 year old woman. A good-looking, very physically fit, rich, well-dressed 49 year old man has waaaay more options.

I wish it wasn’t the case, but it is. I’m only a couple of years older than my friend, financially ok, and reasonable-looking, but I can guarantee you that if I got divorced now, the single fathers of kids in my son’s school year wouldn’t be asking me out after parents’ evenings, and nor would my friends be throwing very attractive men nearly 20 years younger at me, in the total belief that they would want to date me.

Fatpig I dont see why anyone should "be in anyones shadow" or competing with a ghost! This isnt Rebecca FFS! If you like someone you like them in a separate way to your first partner! FIL was good friends with MIL best friend ,they kept each other company(best friends DH had passed many years before.) By this reckoning they would both have lost out on a fun few last years!

I frequently feel the nameless second Mrs de Winter should have come onto the Mn Relationships board for a bit of tough love. ‘So you’re terrified of your own household staff, wander around your marital home like a lost puppy, obsess about your nasty husband’s dead ex, and are stumped about what to wear to a costume party in your own house?’

Step away from trying to get a good one off the internet. It's not Amazon. You'll get the curated and possibly fake persona.

You may get that if you meet someone in the pub, if they're trying to make a good impression. That's true of all of us. I'm in a new job. My colleagues aren't getting the full picture of me. I start a new evening class in a couple of days. They won't be getting the full picture of me (and not just because I don't have enough vocabulary in the relevant language.) You don't tell your children (or your parents) if you used to like getting high at uni or really enjoy your rabbit vibrator. We all curate ourselves for everyone.

It doesn't matter if one group has more options than another when dating, either. You don't need all the options, you just need one which works. It might be harder to find, but that doesn't make it impossible. (Or if you go on Fabswingers, you could find more than one, but that's definitely nit for everyone!)

I do agree with going out and doing stuff for yourself, though. Do things you enjoy and help you feel fulfilled, be it an exercise regime, a craft class, learning a language. You might meet new friends, you might find a new partner, but even if you don't, you can have fun, maybe learn things, whatever. And that will probably make you happier and more confident, which in turn may increase your chances of finding a partner.

Whatever the case is, l just don’t understand why you’re pushing this narrative.You say you wish it wasn’t the case, however it’s views like yours, that perpetuate this.It’s off putting to women who are single and in their 40’s, they don’t need to be told this, its not the 1950’s, times have changed.
It’s like you’re almost gloating about it, why, are you coming from a woman’s perspective meaning, is this just one man’s view, who just see all women as an object.
Of course l get, that men, date much younger women, my point, is women have got choices too and believe it or not there are men who appreciate a woman who’s the same age or older, for many reasons, one being older women tend to be more independent.
There are lots of women out there, who are in their 40’s and look years younger, just like your friend.Not every 49 yr old man is looking to start a family, they’re looking for someone who they have common ground with as well as l lover.
It is all down to choice, women should never feel they have to just settle.

Yes, exactly this.

I don’t know about the rest of those options but I’ve heard men in their late 40s and early 50s complain and laugh about “older women” turning up at their running clubs to try and bag a man. On questioning these men about these women it became apparent that older meant any woman over 40.

Very good.
👍

How funny, no doubt these men in their 40/50’s are complete catches! Are they thinking, all women over 40 fancy them?

Yep, my “friend” from my uni days who is now a professor at a university, 48, single, fit, attractive, has a bit of money, a nice flat and has never dated a woman older than 35. He was with a woman about 12 years younger than him for about 6 years but he left her when she pushed for marriage and kids. He’s now having a whale of a time playing the field. I don’t know how it will got for him as he gets older. He says he finds it difficult to be with an older woman when he sees so much youthful beauty everyday at work.

I looked it up and apparently there is some truth to that: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10828556/

To be honest though you wouldn’t want him, he’s a selfish prick.

Women have a lot more options than men in their 20s. It just flips a bit post 40. At least for men with their shit together.

No doubt, this coming from another male, poster.

I’m a single woman in my late 40s who has zero sentimentality about men and their attitudes to women left.

In this age of equality does the mean that 99% of single women over 45 are going to be strange in one way or another?

I’m 34 I’ve been single years. The guys who are single tend to very quickly reveal exactly why that is - I think you either get lucky or you don’t. I’m happy single and wouldn’t use dating apps again either - they’re absolutely dire.

You are allowed to be single and not have cats.

I think there are as many single man as there are women, and I think the % of "good" and "bad" singles is similar for both sexes.

But there are two issues that create an imbalance:

1. Women have to be good looking/ sexy no matter how old they are, guys - not so much. Women would date someone who is nice but not massively attractive physically; guys, in my experience, rarely do that.
2. Men, especially good looking and/ or wealthy ones, always have an option of getting together with someone 10-20 years younger, so their "dating pool" is much larger. This option does not exist for the majority of females.

No I think there is just an imbalance, there are more women with their shit together and with the will and skills to make a relationship last that their are men especially at this age as women who made an error and married a guy who turned it to have serious issues and are now divorced find that the men available who are their equal are few and far between.

Women who marry a good guy tend to hang on to him and so often the good men are taken since their early 20s. There just aren’t enough good men to go round.

That really does surprise me, yet still doubtful.
Why would a woman in her late 40’s who’s also single, post, that men in their late 40’s and 50’s laugh at women who are just 40, who join one of 'their’ clubs, only to bag a man.It doesn’t make sense, why the need to say this? to put other women down, put them off going out socialising.I don’t understand why a woman, would feel the need to post this and that’s why l question, you’re actually a woman.

Both of these men sound like creeps so I'm not sure of their relevance to a thread about nice men.

It’s not to put them down it’s to warn them, that was a genuine experience I had and it made me feel like shit as well to hear it. Go to park run or a running club if you want to run and if you happen to meet a guy there and you two hit it off fine. The issue I was hearing about was that these men were “aware” that women were joining these groups specifically to meet men and making the fact that they were looking for a man obvious. A bit like when a man joins a yoga class with the explicit intent to meet women. Not saying there aren't men who love yoga but it’s definitely a thing that men do to try and talk to women.

If you look at my other posts on this thread you will see I am very explicit that I think good women vastly out number men and one aspect of this is that a lot of men devalue women as soon as she is no longer young and hot to his eyes. It’s shit but it’s a reality of being out there dating in your 40s and older.