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Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

581 replies

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 13:27

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

OP posts:
samanthablues · 12/09/2024 14:35

Rosiecidar · 12/09/2024 13:55

@spicychilli82 @achipandachair - Ladies you're my kind of women.

I have friends with men who they keep apologising for...but then saying what a wonderful guy he is. I recently found out that two friends of mine always pay for their weekends away with boyfriends as they feel it's fair because they suggest them.

There's a lot of very low effort men out there.

Sadly I have noticed a trend that women will put up with shite because they are worried they won't meet someone to have children with.

I agree, biological clocks ticking have women making very bad choices, I wished we used sperm banks more often thus save so much grievance, then we could take our time to carefully choose a partner without the need of ‘being rushed’ because our number of fertile ovules are diminishing by the hour.

spicychilli82 · 12/09/2024 19:00

Rosiecidar · 12/09/2024 13:55

@spicychilli82 @achipandachair - Ladies you're my kind of women.

I have friends with men who they keep apologising for...but then saying what a wonderful guy he is. I recently found out that two friends of mine always pay for their weekends away with boyfriends as they feel it's fair because they suggest them.

There's a lot of very low effort men out there.

Sadly I have noticed a trend that women will put up with shite because they are worried they won't meet someone to have children with.

We need to look out for each other! The cognitive dissonance is deep…

that’s not a great situation for your two friends 😵‍💫

I do understand the worry many women have of not meeting someone, and thinking they have to put up with a bloke treating them like shit 😞 it’s such a sad state of affairs

chaosmaker · 13/09/2024 08:02

@samanthablues that would be a great opportunity to select who can and can't donate sperm based on how they are as a human, as well. We probably don't already do this. Also it should be a limited number of donations, given the guy who reckons he's donated to a thousand kid creations.

Rosiecidar · 13/09/2024 09:02

@spicychilli82 @achipandachair I think it's also a bit of realism and evaluating what you want sadly, taking a risk of never finding a person or putting up with crap but saying "relationships are all about compromise" ....I feel the same in my mid 50s I will put up with a bit of rubbish because I don't want to basically die alone - putting it bluntly. Am single now but I know I used "compromise" to mask a lot of crap.

samanthablues · 13/09/2024 14:14

@chaosmaker given the guy who reckons he's donated to a thousand kid creations.

He wished 🤣😂🤣

Whistledown2 · 15/09/2024 02:36

Personally I'd let him go on his own now, I certainly would not be arguing the toss, but I would be evaluating the 'relationship' while he is away enjoying himself.

I am generous, I would want my partner with me and if I had the money, I'd be only too pleased to share my good fortune with them. That's the way I see it OP. As you said, you'd be only too happy to pay for him if the situation were reversed.

He's a tight arse, and no, just because you were married/had kids, does not mean the joint account would be overflowing with cash for you, he sounds like he'd match what you put in despite earning far more.

My philosophy is, if someone is tight with money, they're mean with their Time/emotions too.

I'd file him under B for bin..

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