Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

What would "working toward a compromise" be?

She can't afford the trip. Because she's chosen to spend her money elsewhere. There is no compromise that will sustain the Asia trip.

The compromise is that he comes home and they take a shorter, more local and less expensive holiday. Which is how prudent and mature people manage.

Expecting him to be her sugar daddy is so 1950s. I thought women had moved beyond that.

This x1000.

OP wants to live well above her means. I'm aghast at the number of women here who think it's his job to provide for that.

If she wants kids and a swank lifestyle, she needs to hustle to increase her income, not eyeball someone else's paycheque for what it can do for her.

What did I just read??

100 percent.

I've been with my DH for 15 years. In that time it's been swings and roundabouts. He initially was the only earner as I was at university. Now I work 3 days a week and care for our child the other 2 working days. I still earn significantly more than him. I can honestly say it's never crossed either of our minds to restrict joint experiences or joint household outgoings based on our individual income. We were commited to each other, including finances way quicker than a year and we were much younger than OP too. I know everyone is different but I couldn't live with someone who's so obviously more interested in keeping themselves as wealthy as they can than sharing a life with me. I really don't think it's about a trip to Asia or OP expecting to coast off somebody. It's about the complete lack of commitment after a year. I couldn't be wasting my time with such a wishy washy relationship tbh. There's nothing to suggest that OP isn't capable of self-funding a perfectly good life for herself but if after a year if this is how much of himself and his wealth this man is prepared to share with her then I don't blame her for being a bit miffed tbh

My husband was the high earner when we met. He always invited me on business trips wherever possible and paid for me to travel with him because he wanted my company.

Ooo very very entitled!

he’s paying hotel there. And you want him to comp your flights too! Come on. Red flag on you!

his compromise of finding something in your budget is perfectly reasonable.

I’ve been in a relationship with a large pay disparity. When it was only a year we would split days. Ie. lower earner pay for everyone’s hotel/food/activities on their days, and higher on theirs. Then we could both stay in our budgets, but higher earner got their Oceanside pool bungalow experience they wanted, and lower earner got groceries the next month they wanted.

Putting a different spin on it if OP's partner is genuinely of the opinion that she's a golddigger and only in it for the money after an entire year then why on earth is he still with someone who he has such a low opinion of?! Surely there's a point in which it's do or die? You either decide that you're in it for better worse or you're not wasting any more of your life.

I really doubt he thinks that. What on earth makes you think he thinks that?

Well as I have said before, to all the posters who are saying how I'm the red flag and it's so awful etc, I hope you can see from the many posts disagreeing with you, that it is not as clear cut as you might think. Clearly this is a very divisive issue, hence me posting.

As I have already made clear (or so I thought!) I think the crux of the issue was that I believed we were more committed/closer to sharing our lives together than it appears we are.. . So it's a misunderstanding of where our relationship is really that's caused the issues. (Combined with going through a rough patch and awful communication).

There are a number of questions being asked that I don't think are relevant or which I believe might be outing so I haven't answered. However, in relation to sharing finances/discussions, we have had discussions as to what we both earn after bills, and what exactly we have left many months ago so there is definitely transparency there. I know he could certainly "afford" to help but as everyone has made clear, it is about what he wants/chooses to spend his money on. Rather unhelpfully, I can't remember his exact figures now (and it's probably not a great time to ask again!) But just to point out that we have had all these sorts of discussions in the past and the day to day financial position/arrangements between us are agreed on both sides. Clearly not things like this though!

In relation to saving/knowing about this etc, I have already accepted it could be argued I ought to have skipped spending money on other things in order to have had more money for this possible trip. However the main issue is that these flights have increased in price SO much since it was first mooted (a few months ago) and of course I could not book anything until his trip was fully confirmed. It was not clear when the trip would happen and that has made the flight prices both of us had envisaged going up hugely.

We have had further discussions and we are not sure yet what to do. However he has said fine to use airmiles to reduce the price if we are to go. I think another poster mentioned something along the lines of considering the overall cost of the trip to us as a couple and splitting that cost. I believe he would agree to that. So splitting the costs of my flights 50/50 (his having been paid for by work therefore no cost to us a couple) and the cost of anything else like accommodation etc too. That would make it more affordable for me as the flights are the biggest outlay. Perhaps I should have suggested we price it up like that from the very beginning! However, I think he is thinking that the whole trip might be too expensive for what it is now anyway, however we do it.. perhaps as he's accepting he'll now be paying more towards my flights.. I'm not sure as I haven't pushed that yet. He was saying that for this sort of money we could have an amazing holiday somewhere closer to home and I am coming around to that idea as long as it's a proper week's break.

Incidentally, for those who are thinking this is a red flag on HIS part and I should be worried/leave etc.. how do you think it should work out? Do you think it would not have been a red flag if he agrees to let me use air miles and contributes the £300 now? Or should he have been willing to do it from the beginning? If I do choose to stay with him (as I plan to) any other tips/advice? (Apart from get married before having kids, which I would want to do anyway!)

all this over a trip to the far east...how will you deal with actual problems once married ....both of you should go back to being single

It sounds as though putting a little effort into communicating expectations, on both sides, wouldn't go amiss. Hopefully you'll have a great holiday together whatever you mutually decide.

I agree, all this drama for a trip to Asia and his bloody air miles, I don't want to think what it's going to be like with a baby.

yabu expecting him to contribute to flights you want, pay for accommodation and “pay for everything out there” (your words I believe).
he would probably love your company but not if it is going to double the cost of his holiday.
You need a as holiday you can afford, and to discuss financial values for the future. Do you him to pay more because he wants more? Does he? I mean this is an issue.

@4556689vdrfjjh Incidentally, for those who are thinking this is a red flag on HIS part and I should be worried/leave etc.. how do you think it should work out? Do you think it would not have been a red flag if he agrees to let me use air miles and contributes the £300 now? Or should he have been willing to do it from the beginning? If I do choose to stay with him (as I plan to) any other tips/advice? (Apart from get married before having kids, which I would want to do anyway!)

The point is that he should have been either willing to do it in the beginning or at least discuss it in an open way from the beginning. Discussing finances can be hard enough without having to contend with his approach to such discussions. He admitted that he wanted to just cancel the trip to punish you. He admitted being worried that women are after him for his money (and, given his response, that includes you). Dealing with a stingy man whose default position is thinking that women are gold diggers is painful. Do yourself a favour and close the door tightly on your way out of this relationship. The quicker you leave the quicker you can get on with finding someone else to spend the life with.

He earns a lot more than you and has proposed a trip where he gets free flights but you have to pay for yours, and he's not offering to help with that. Sounds very mean to me.
I used to travel a lot with work and so was in the reverse position. I used my air miles to pay for my then boyfriend's (now partner) flights so he didn't feel bad that I was paying and we both benefited from reduced travel costs.

I think you should pay for the flight on a credit card or bank loan and enjoy the holiday. You can pay it back when you're earning more in 6 months time.

Possibly he had no idea that she is skint and makes 5 TIMES less than he does. She is well aware of his finances and he is not of aware of hers.

Why would that be I wonder…..

There have been other amber flags in relation to this such as him not wanting to get married-- now supposedly he's on board with that if it's essential to me -and if we get to that stage- but time will tell..

I think this is your biggest problem within the relationship.
Men who want to marry their partner do so willingly and because they absolutely want to be married to that person.

I'm glad you are communicating with him and clearing the air.

The thing that was a turnoff to many of us is that in your first post you implied he could postpone building works or other expenses in favour of subsidizing you. That you (and your friends!) presume to second-guess his spending priorities would be a major red flag to me.

I think getting starry-eyed because someone earns over £100k is a major mistake. I am a mature woman and earn well over £100k but that doesn't stretch indefinitely.

I pay a lot in income tax. I buy my clothing on Vinted or in charity shops, I am cautious at the supermarket - just the other day I wanted a steak and decided that what was on offer was too high. Had bacon instead as a treat. I drive a 12-year-old Ford Focus five-door and have no plans to replace it any time soon. Seldom dine out or have takeaway. Do my own nails.

No, I am not a miser. Spend a great deal on building my wildlife garden,shed & greenhouse, on donations to animal welfare and other charities, on maintaining my mortgage-free house, helping my sister who has cancer, international travel with my SO (each pays own way) and saving a hefty sum each month for a secure retirement. Until he died last year, my pet was receiving expensive medical care and prescription drugs for years, including £££ consultations with a veterinary cardiologist. I get massages once a month or so.

These are my priorities; any boyfriend who eyeballed my salary and suggested that I change them in order to upgrade his lifestyle would be out on his ear. Anyone who started detailing my finances to his friends and family also would be dropped.

If the flights increased in cost between the time of the original suggestion and the time of booking, the proper response is "Oh, too bad, the fares went up; I guess it's not on for this year. Let's plan ahead and do it next year." Not "Well, you'd better stop your building works and spend the money & miles on me instead." It's a holiday, not a lifesaving surgery that can't wait. A suggestion is not a binding contract to make the holiday happen at any and all costs.

It's just amazing that there are still so many young women who expect to be subsidized by a boyfriend. Or that say he is "mean" for scaling down holiday plans so that his girlfriend could afford to contribute her fair share.

I would not expect to be a SAHM with this man, nor would I have a child with him sans marriage. Some men don't expect partners to contribute equally to finances but some do, and he sounds like one who does. There is nothing inherently wrong with either approach but you'd best find someone on the same page. You don't want to end up dependent upon someone who expects an equal partner.

Well, @4556689vdrfjjh , as you asked... If you plan to stay with him, I would want to understand how committed he is to you now, and what would have to change for him to feel ready to share finances, marry you and have kids. You need to understand his timeline as I'm not convinced he's talking like a man who wants to become a father next year, and you suggested you'd already had that conversation. Perhaps things have changed on his part and you haven't discussed it - you've already admitted you both have problems communicating.

Look at this trip from his perspective. He's going away anyway. His flights and accommodation for his business trip are all paid for. If he pays a bit more for accommodation, he can extend his trip and get a fun holiday somewhere relatively cheaply.

He invited you along because he thought it would be fun. It's now become way too complicated and the fun has gone. I take your point about the flights - it sounds like he thought it was fair for you to pay your own way (it is) but hadn't appreciated that the cost might jump. If things had been the other way round, maybe he'd have backed out of if too. It sounds like the holiday was 'just a thought' and it's become too serious and too complex.

Instead, it would be better for plan for a cheaper holiday with enough time for you to both save up, doing something together for the two of you and not just a bit of time tagged onto his work. I'd forget about the Asia trip.

You haven't answered questions on how you ended up moving in with him. Was this planned, or did it just happen? And with those finance discussions that you can't really remember, did you agree to share bills 50/50?

If 50/50 doesn't really work for you and that's what you agreed, TBH, I think you moved in too soon. In a more serious relationship, it makes sense to pay proportionately, e.g. 83%/17% if the higher earner earns 5 x as much as the lower earner. However, that split only works if both people really do feel committed rather than casually dating.

Wow. How grabby.

Honestly OP, with every update, I hope your BF is running faster and further away from you. The entitlement is absolutely vile.

A few thoughts:

• It feels like you are both being very inflexible - if you wanted to go then go on the cheap non-direct flights. That’s your choice to be on the direct flight (and therefore does seem entitled, sorry OP)
• A week in Asia is not nearly enough - jet lag is a bitch when you get there.
• Depending on where you are going in Asia, some places are cheap once flights are out the way (Bali, Vietnam etc)
• It feels like you have both ruined the trip already and;
• It feels like you should be cutting your losses in the relationship - if you’re late 30s and wanting a family then you don’t have long, and I don’t think you sound like you are solid enough to start planning a family (speaking as someone who has had fertility treatment it is gruelling and you need a very strong partnership)

Sorry OP - I think you are both being unreasonable - go on the trip when you can afford it rather than try and force it, you’ll be able to experience it much more fully. You said he goes fairly regularly, there will be other opportunities when you have your increase in wage and savings behind you (if you stay together). Holidays are absolutely no fun when you have to watch your pennies, and this trip sounds like a trip of a lifetime potentially.