Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

I'm on the same page as you @Kiyentai .

Our first child was born disabled, my earning power plummeted instantly and life became nothing like we had planned it to be. My husband hasn't once begrudged me not earning like he does, or questioned and spending i do. Would the man in this case be the same? I doubt it. Life can turn on a sixpence and this man is showing his true colours now.

A few hundred quid for someone you are planning children and a life with, to share a potentially once in a lifetime experience when you are a very high earner (I'm assuming 100k plus as he earns multiples of the OP's wage)- tbh my husband would have just booked it it wouldn't have been a discussion.

Just a reminder - they're not married...

And he has stated he doesn't want to get married.

I wouldn’t ask him to pay but I wouldn’t go either.

I think it's an old fashioned way of thinking, not saying that it's right, but it's what I grew up with. It's that mentality that if a man is a higher earner then he can pay for most things. I'm 44 and growing up men paid for dinner and drinks, opened car doors, etc. He provided and looked after us, basically. I know today is different. Again, I'm not saying that my way of thinking is correct, I just need to get with the times.

So... I travel to weird places using odd airlines all the time for work.

A change in China will be absolutely fine (i have done it and Chinas airports are really modern and well organised) and bad reviews normally dont mean much. I use airlines with bad reviews all the time cos its normally only people that have had bad experiences that actually bother to do the reviewing. What this means is that you get a pretty skewed view on who is good and who isnt, so I wouldnt bother paying too much attention.

Use the cheap, indirect flight and treat it as an adventure. I honestly wouldnt think twice about this (i do it absolutely all the time to save money). A few extra hours and a bit of hassle isnt a big deal if you get to see somewhere that will truly be memorable. generally if an airline is an international carrier they will look after you one way or another if things go wrong.

Its also kinda fun to be ingenious enough to do these things on the cheap.

I agree with you both.

You're entitled. Red flag for him.

I'm 61 and I didn't grow up that way. In fact, as I mentioned above, my dad made a point of advising me to always pay my own way and be an independent woman.

Dignity and self-respect are more important than cadging perks and benefits from a man just because we are sleeping with them.

My sister has cancer & limited income, and I do everything I can to ameliorate things for her, from paying a cleaner to paying veterinary bills to taking her on 5* vacations. Never once has she implied that's her due, or asked me to subsidize anything, or said "Hey I'd like to visit so-and-so, can you use your airmiles to get me a ticket?" Decent people just don't do that.

How long have you been on MN?

Many posters with children (and/or married) don't share finances

I get your point, I do. But I'm going to have to agree with OP. We are with men who earn exceedingly more so why can't they help out sometimes? I think it's Western men in general. My ex is Eastern European and always looked after me as they believe very much in family. My loss, though. Lol

I’m 58 and that was an old fashioned attitude even when I was dating in my late teens and early 20’s in the 80’s.

My generation were the women who wanted to be seen as equals and not subservient to men.

I was taught from a very young age never to rely on a man and expect to be paid for. If I dated a man back then who paid for dinner I’d insist on taking him for a drink afterwards. And I think I’d laugh if someone held a car door open - I’ve got hands, I can open my own car door.

That attitude belongs more on my parents era (they’re 80) when women gave up work when they got married.

Agree, @TwistedWonder

My parents would be in their 90s now and they always encouraged us to be independent and not rely on any man.

I also, in 45 years of dating/LTRs have never once informed a friend or family member of how much my lovers earned. It's crass to bandy that information about. The only wages that matter are those that I earn.

You are not entitled. His flights (the biggest expense) are covered by his employer. Hotels are cheap. Hecould help you with the cost of your flight - he invited you!!!

@4556689vdrfjjh I would see this as a huge red flag. You say he earns 4-5 times more than you and he's like this? I personally would be weighing up how I feel, assessing how it might be if you have children and your earnings take a nose dive. For me he sounds like a financial abuser in the making...

If you were a friend of mine I would tell you to apologise ! You are being unreasonable. He sounds really decent that he’s prepared to pay for your half a hotel. If you can’t afford flights then you can’t go and he again has been really decent saying you could go somewhere you can afford. He’s going to be getting red flag vibes for you.
married/children/pets/cohabiting show a different level of commitment but you aren’t there yet. Until we had children we split things 50/50.

Entitled for asking? No.

Entitled for not taking the flight you can afford and expecting him to pay for the flight or the difference? Entitled for thinking him unreasonable or mean for not paying towards your flights? Yes.

I think the problem here is that you have an affordable way of doing this holiday, but you haven't even considered it, you've jumped straight for the more expensive option and assumed he would pay the difference, then got arsey when he has said no and offered a couple of reasonable alternatives instead.

I think it is an age old problem of wasting money.. option A (indirect flight) and option B (direct flight) both have the same outcome, so why would you waste money paying for the more expensive option? If it is your own money, it is your decision to weigh up, and decide, but you shouldn't be pleading poverty to him all the while insisting on the more expensive option of the two, it is very entitled.

If you wouldn't pay for the direct flight for yourself, then you shouldn't be expecting anyone else to pay for it for you either.

I think he made a generous offer and you've spoiled it by trying to get him to improve on it.
Cant see this relationship going forward.

Yes, you are definitely entitled and the red flag in the relationship. Think you & your BF are on different tracks.

What's his generous offer? Come and pay to travel to him and and stay in a hotel room that he was booking for himself anyway so he can get a shag?

So HE is supposed to pay for his girlfriend's transport because shagging is to take place? That's one step up from being an escort.

Even when we’d only been together for a short while I know my DH would have paid the extra without me having to ask because he’d have wanted to make my life easier and to travel back with me. I’d have done the same. As it was we were alot younger than op and penniless when we met but we shared everything and still do decades later.

That's fine if it worked for you but OP's boyfriend specifically said he could not afford it. He's got building works and other things under way.

She spent her own money elsewhere, turned down a cheaper flight option and then second-guessed his own assessment of his own finances. And has said that she thought he should postpone other spending in order to treat her to a free long-haul holiday. That's not how it works and he's understandably leery now.

I am a high earner too, but everything is earmarked; if someone I considered a peer expected me to spend thousands on them, no matter how much I loved them they would be sorely disappointed. I expect a relationship of equals, not an adult dependent.

Your scenario is no where near comparable to the OP’s

OP, you are being unreasonable. It’s not his responsibility or your family’s to subsidize you to go on holiday. It would have been better to either tell him sorry you can’t go as it’s over your budget or suck it up and take the cheap flights you can afford.