Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

God help you, what awful relationship modelling for your children.

Their lovely mum allows herself to be used, their house used as a convience for a sulking mean man.

So depressing to read so often on here.

If he's always at hers, has she declared her living arrangements to DWP?

You are adult. Pay for your things. A flight ticket you can't afford? Guuuurl .....change jobs or buy less shit.
Thinking about kids when you have no money for one ticket lolol I can see you are clear in life. Also, why are you talking about that so early on? I would ruuuun if I was him. You just want a sugar daddy. I'm glad he is not falling for it. If you can't afford things , makes changes in your life to get to that point! You are extremely entitled. Save money like everybody does.

The irony of this post is not lost. The OP of this thread lives in his house rent free, while she has her own place lying idle...

This!

😂

Ha! I never really picked up on that! I've just been back and re-read, but yes OP blathers on about how she feels they are in a committed/joined relationship, and talks about marriage/kids but is basically living in his house rent free while complaining how tight he is.

You are either committed and living together OP, and splitting things equally, in which case you need to have a plan with your own property (selling/renting etc), or you are not really committed to each other and you are just living there rent free with one foot out the door and expecting him to subsidise you for living and for holidays, no wonder he thinks you are taking him for granted.

I can't see this one lasting, you aren't on the same page at all.

Thank you for your perspective. I do think it's not just random people we're talking about here, this one is more an issue about how you treat and regard your significant other.

I agree with you that no party should make financial demands of the other as it's simply not polite and yes it is ultimately an individuals choice as to how they spend their money.

I would say that all these comments have highlighted how important it is to find someone with similar views to you on money in a partnership- some couples pool everything and happily share wheras others keep score of each other's debts down to the nearest penny. (A personal shudder from me to the latter...!) Some love to treat each other and others will cancel a holiday as one of them couldn't 'afford' it. (Even if the other could help) But the key thing is- are both sides are happy with arrangements?

I've had a rethink on my perspective here and I think if it's in your heart that you really want children and that that is something which has a time limit on, due to age, instead of focusing on holidays, you should just try and save as much as possible to make this be more of a reality for you and not have to rely on the whims of another person, to be able to do so.

Maybe put holidays aside for a bit and concentrate on saving enough so that if the relationship didn't work out, and you had to do it alone, you were able to do so, with a good safety net behind you.

There is a difference between spontaneously choosing to "treat" a friend or SO, of one's free will, and having the would-be recipient suggest or demand it.

I would be very leery of someone who came armed with multiple ways I could spend on them (in this case cash for flights, shouldering of the hotel bill and use of airmiles) and who took umbrage if I declined, and discussed my "misguided" spending priorities with friends and family.

Marriage or agreed to start trying for a baby very soon or agreed that between you. I think though you have bigger problems.
"He has a habit of hearing one thing in a conversation and twisting that into something to be outraged about (similar to some posters..!) aka.."
Given this and that you've subsidised him more then he has you I would be worried about how he's going to act long term. Are there plans to marry? I wouldn't be TTC with him while unmarried.

I completely agree with this. I have had quite a number of relationships with men earning 3x my salary and I earn a good professional salary and can pay my way, but they earn so much more money just isn't an issue to them and wouldn't think twice about paying.
OP , you're not entitled but I wonder if he just is pushing your boundaries to see what you will put up with? I think you see him as a bit of a catch and he can sense that. He's treating you badly.

From your post, the only reason why you think he should pay for your travel, is that he can afford it?

why would him not spending a significant amount of money on your travel, be a red flag? You do not share finances, a home, or children? You are not married.

the comments you’ve made about the future and should you have children, seems distasteful and concerning to me? In fact, I would feel that you are the red flag, since you are already planning on using his funds to run your lifestyle?

I think that your partner seems a lot more gracious and mature, than you indicate. Why? Because he is trying to respect your budget levels and not make you feel inferior, whilst ensuring that he doesn’t get taken advantage of, just because he ‘can afford it’. He is also clearly saying that if you were a family, your finances would be pooled. You are not yet a family and I would hope that if he were a friend or family member of mine, that he should be very careful!

Entitled

As there is a large disparity in your salaries, I don’t think it’s entitled to expect him to help cover some of the difference between direct and non direct flights if he wants you to come on the trip. A few hundred quid doesn’t don’t much if you’re a high earner. I had something similar years ago when my ex was working in the far east and he added an extra week on as holiday. We went on the same flight, with me in economy class and him in business class! We shared the cost of my flights, but then we were married at the time so I suppose that’s the difference.

My husband never let me pay for a thing while dating. Once we were married and I quit my job he encouraged me to go back to school. He worked hard so that our children had a stay at home mom.

I helped in our business when I could and received my own paycheck. When the kids grew old enough and I worked outside the home and business he wouldn’t allow me to pay any of the household bills as the business brought in a much larger income than I did.

When I hurt my neck and could not get out of bed he came home after a twelve hour days and made dinner for months.

This is love!

I cringe at so many gas lit women on these forms who basically become apologizing birth surrogates and inadequate bread winners all for some scraps of approval from an entire generation of selfish man-boys.

Some of us don't equate financial subsidies with "love."

I seemed to be the odd one out.

I don't think you're being entitled. You're in a relationship. Your boyfriend is the breadwinner. You're in a relationship for a reason, to find your partner in life. Honestly if he is complaining about having to help you purchase a ticket, then take a good look because that's how your future is going to be. I understand we can each have your own money but if he's not willing to help you go to a country to spend quality time with him for a holiday, then to me that raises red flags..because hey, that's what your future is going to look like.

I've dated men like that before. They were assholes.

When I met my husband (I knew he was the one when I saw him) we made the same amount of money, but I had 3 horses 😆 but it didn't matter. He paid for me to have amazing experiences WITH him, and its not like I didn't insist on paying for myself..he wouldn't let me. It didn't matter that I could afford it, he wanted to spend quality time with me and have new experiences together. And when you're married..all your money goes in the same pot, it doesnt matter who makes what. It took me a few years to understand that because I learned to be so reliant on myself..to not have my own money was weird. But after 8 years together, I now understand it.

But I have a feeling this guy would be wanting to keep his money separate from you. Follow your gut girl, you deserve better.

And what makes you think he wants to stay with you, especially after all this? It's unbelievable that you can't see how money grabbing you are. No wonder your behaviour is causing rows. He's already paying for the hotel but now you expect him to pay for a direct flight on an airline of your choice too? Because you're too precious to transit in a backward and violent third world nation like China? The entitlement is laughably off the scale. Like many well off men - and women - he's looking for an equal who's breezy and capable, not a moaning dependent leech. Hopefully he has friends or family members who can see you for what you are and won't hesitate to mention it.

Yep, you just need to look at the hundreds of threads on here, all of them written by women, home makers and stay at home mums married to men who make much more money, these women are being financially “bread crumbed” paying for their babies nappies while on maternity leave and struggling to buy a moisturiser for them. I invite you to read those threads.

I haven’t read through every response, but for what it’s worth…and I mean this with the most respect:

1. Be honest with yourself. Are you really upset about not being able to go direct and changing in China, or, are you upset that you’re worried he may not see you as important enough to help pay for flights for?
2. If you want someone who would spend that money on you, perhaps he’s not the right person for you. Truthfully, anyone I’ve ever been with who earns that much (or doesn’t) would have saved and paid, if they’re really into me, and vice versa. That said, it could just be the person you are with is different in how they view things- in other words, I’ve always been with like minded people versus someone who may do things differently and have a different way of expressing how they feel.

Note: China is more of a 1st world country than the UK in many respects- I always feel I’ve gone backwards when I go from Asia to the UK, and it is 10000000000x safer.

First post: "He says he cant afford this"

One year in to a relationship where you are considering raising children together, I would be listening out very carefully indeed to what he says and how he goes about things.

As a higher earner, regularly travelling on business in business class, I would expect him to have plenty of air miles and 'status' with the hotel. Based on my DH's similar situation, he would be using 'hotel points' to extend his stay and could use air miles to buy or more lively upgrade your ticket, even if you were not in the same flight.

All very routine for business travellers and entirely to encourage their loyalty to the airline and hotel brands, by encouraging them to bring their nearest and dearest along.

The key thing for me is that he is neither treating you from his resources for the pleasure of your company nor does he seem to be open to discussing the actual costs and how it might be managed between you.

He is in fact treating you as a friend (with benefits) for whom it would be fun to holiday together with an expectation of paying your way rather than as his life companion whose company means everything to him.

People are always warned against marrying someone and expect ring them to change. This is who he is. This is a clue as to how he would expect you to fund your maternity leave. It's really important to pay attention to how people behave as opposed to what they say. What he says, flouncing, saying he will cancel the whole plan if you don't stump up doesn't sound too good either.

You are on the brink of a brilliant new career. I'd seriously suggest you think long and hard before starting a family with someone like this, especially before you are established in that career.

It's fine to have 'equal finances' up to the point where you have children. Thats when everything changes for the woman. Don't expect the man to change. If he has been loving and supportive, there is a good change he will continue. If he has been expecting you to pay your way, then that too will continue.

Hope you find the range of views here helpful but ultimately don't let yourself get bounced into a situation where you are trapped. Good luck.

rather than as his life companion whose company means everything to him

I think this is an overly romantic view. I’m divorced and been with the person I believe is my life companion for 8 years, having met mid 40’s. I enjoy his company, we’ve lots in common and have fun together but his company doesn’t mean everything to me. I get equal pleasure from the company of my dearest friends, and my son.

Maybe having been around the block I’m just more independent and self sufficient both physically and emotionally. I wouldn’t have if any other way though

What sort of a relationship is it when someone 'lets' or 'doesn't let' you do something like spending your own money? I cringe for you, how weird to think being financially dependent on someone is a positive thing

It's just a holiday. Have some dignity/pride, stop the debates and think about your independence and autonomy. Have a holiday somewhere cheaper and have a nice time.
Oh and as Destiny's Child said: Depend on no one else to give you what you want