Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

OP, out of interest roughly how old are you both? And is marriage /kids something that’s been discussed in the context of your immediate future plans?

I think that you got carried away with the thought of the trip without thinking of the practicalities. Your trip, if you go, will be nothing like your OH's. I think you imagine a wonderful holiday together where what is on offer is a few days tagged on at the end of a business trip.
You have been with your oh a very short time. You don't share finances. Why on earth would you expect them to subsidise you? To be honest it sounds like you have taken all the shine off the idea for your OH anyway, turning a nice idea in to a drama.
Questions to ask yourself. 1. Can you afford it (your post suggests not).

1. Do you want to go all that way for 1 week? By the time you take in to account travelling how many days will you actually have?
2. Will you be happy with your boyfriend traveling in luxury whilst you are stuck in economy? I wouldn't.

As the flights will be by far the most expensive part of your trip (I just booked flights to Thailand and the price was eye wateringly expensive) why not save up and book a holiday to Asia together next year so you can have the whole trip together? I agree with your boyfriend, a family unit pooling expenses is completely different to a girlfriend expecting him to subsidise a trip.

Ok, I guess it's interesting to hear these answers as close friends have advised me differently.

I feel like we're meant to be behaving like a serious, committed couple, on the pathway to sharing a life together and having children in the future, and therefore he should want me to come and have been open to discussing fully what options there might be for that. (Changing the date we come home for example as cheaper to fly mid-week, following through on my discussion that maybe I can use his airmiles to reduce the flight, contributing money to flight etc). Kids are (were?) on the cards in the next year as we're older and fertility issues likely. We both have our own places but recently began living together in one place but each paying the outgoings on our places only for now.

To answer previous poster, I would have done that without a shadow of a doubt if the situation was reversed. If I could afford something that my partner couldn't, and I wanted them to join me, then of course I'd pay (or pay a bit towards it if they could afford some of it). I'm surprised others wouldn't feel the same? I've paid for us to go away for example on city breaks for full weekends flights and hotels for birthday/Xmas etc.. this trip has just come at a time where I don't have the money.. I'd be able to afford my half entirely if it were in 6 months. I guess this is where a PP said it's about how into me or not he is.. he obviously isn't fussed about making the trip happen/having me come.

To clarify @CountessWindyBottom I was not suggesting he should contribute to pay for me to fly in business - all the flights I am looking at our economy only. His company is paying for his business flights whenever he wants to come back. I would have just liked to be on the same plane as him back and going direct.

Clearly we've been having other issues recently so maybe this is showing up a fundamental incompatibility/difference in our values and expectations etc.

You can’t afford the trip which is fair enough. It would have been better if you had just stated that and moved onto arrange another holiday that you could afford as he suggested.

It would have been very unbalanced him paying the hotel accommodation and all expenses over there plus heavily subsidising your own flights or even paying for them.

There was an opportunity to go but with a stop in China that you didn’t want but could have afforded.

Perhaps just as you’re asking whether this is a red flag, he may be asking the same question of you expecting him to pay for everything? If he is undertaking work on his property that’s presumably expensive and really not your place to be questioning him delaying to pay for your holiday instead!

Entitled especially saying the work on his house could wait if he couldn't afford it, how rude.

Definitely entitled.

I think you should always date in your own income bracket

If he earns 4 or 5 times more than you he should be treating you, end off. Very cheap guy.

late 30s/40s

So is he paying for renovation works on the house you're living in together or one that he's trying to sell/rent out?

What are the salaries?
20 vs 100k
Or 100 vs 500k
It makes a difference I think

No, you can't expect someone you've only been going out with for a year (barely any time at all imo) to pay for your long-haul flights. And you can't decide on his behalf whether it fits into his budget or not.

If you can really definitely afford it in 6 months I'd have raised the idea of paying it back then. But honestly it just seems like you unfortunately can't afford it. And that's the end of the idea.

When I first met DP, I earned less than him. Within the year he'd planned to go on a long-haul holiday; I couldn't afford it. So I just didn't go and it was fine. A year or two after that I was in the same position as your partner - had a work trip somewhere rather fancy, was extending my stay and asked if he wanted to come out to meet me there. He couldn't afford it. Again it was fine! If your budgets don't sync up then there are going to be situations like this and they don't need to be a big deal.

You don't have compatible outlooks on finances and shared personal lives.

He has offered to pay for your accommodation so I think it's quite cheeky to expect him to pay for flights too. Fair enough if he offered but he hasn't. Absolutely agree if this was a man expecting freebies he'd be written off as a cf.

I feel like we're meant to be behaving like a serious, committed couple.

What are you doing to show him you’re committed and serious? Have you thought about showing him your commitment to having a household in a very good financial situation by, say, looking for a better paid job yourself, or seeking a promotion? People who don’t have any money always say they’d be generous with it if they did, but never actually have to put their money where their mouth is.

And nobody would call a woman “cheap” for not wanting to pay for her boyfriend of a year’s holiday: he’d be called a using cocklodger for even daring to ask. You can’t afford to go, so his suggestion to scrap the idea and go somewhere you can is ideal.

Well, I don't think you could expect him to pay, but on the other hand, if he had wanted you there, and for you to feel comfortable with the journey, he would have contibuted, given the differences in your income, and the fact that he has accrued some air miles, which he could use. He has chosen not to do that. Which is fair enough, but a good heads up to what your joint life would be like with him.
Personally, I'd chuck this one back.

I was thinking maybe you were younger and marriage was a way distant thing, but this update reinforces my earlier stated view that this may be indicative of how he would act when married.

I’m with you on this one OP, - if me or my friends are extending a work trip abroad and stay on to book accommodation somewhere, it’s a no-brainer for us that the friend joining us doesn’t pay as we were going to be there anyway. Unless of course they wanted their own room.

So although a lot of people have given him kudos for it personally I don’t see him covering the cost of the accommodation as a particularly great thing considering he’s your partner.

For a friend, obviously I wouldn’t pay towards flights , but I’d hope a serious partner that is 35+ would do a bit more than a friend would. Especially as you’ve treated him before too!

Maybe neither of you are necessarily wrong, but you have different expectations and sounds like you need to have a heart to heart more generally as you may not be compatible.

I think it’s unreasonable not to he confident in changing planes overseas in your late 30s/early 40s.

you can’t afford it, so don’t go. It was a nice idea,
but you can’t afford it. He may be starting to feel like you’ve spotted an easy meal ticket to have children with and he might be uncomfortable with that.

So his company is paying for his flight and accommodation, he earns 4 or 5 times more than you but not willing to pay for your trip? I wouldn't be having children with this man OP.

Yes, entitled sorry. A year isn’t a long time.

I don't see how you will afford spending money if you can't afford the flight so I would pass on the holiday.

But he's either paying for his own accommodation anyway or his company is paying for it. He's not paying anything extra having her with him.

It's a red flag and you are NOT entitled. I would say a year in is fair enough to know if a relationship is going somewhere and that if one partner can't afford to do something, the other will help sub/treat. I've no doubt that my husband would have paid for my flights a year into our relationship. Good on you for thinking about the future. I think people are missing the point that this holiday is probably a sign of how the relationship could financially pan out in the future, especially if you have children. (Plenty of threads on MN of how women are shafted by their partners once they have children.)

I have been studying towards a professional qualification for some time and my salary is due to increase by around 60% from beginning of next year. And depending on the work/life balance I choose, I could reach his salary in the next 5ish years. So yes.

I would do it if the situation was reversed, as I have said, I have taken him away previously twice entirely funded myself (he has done the same for my bday once).