Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

yes, I’m afraid you are being entitled expecting this. Your partner (sounds more like boyfriend/girlfriend than partner) has already said if you can’t afford the flights, they will not extend the trip, but go somewhere with you that you can afford. They are being entirely reasonable.

One issue is that she THINKS he can afford it, but maybe his cash situation isn’t what she thinks it is.
It’s not right to decide what another person “can afford” when you aren’t sharing finances.

And does sound entitled … I’m entitled to his cash because (I think) he has more cash than me.

He has a house project going, likely a mortgage, maybe other loans, doing max pension contributions ? None of her business unless he tells her and he doesn’t need to.
Same as asking her: why don’t you have any money?

He’s not your partner, he’s someone you’re dating for a year without shared finances. You don’t live together or have kids.

His finances are currently committed ti weds his home improvements but you think he should put the work in hold to pay for you to have a holiday.

Sorry but yes you sound very entitled imo. Your point about what happens when you have kids really bears no relation to this situation and his response was absolutely reasonable.

As the higher earner, if he chooses to treat you then all well and good but there shouldn’t be an expectation he’ll prioritise paying for you over other financial commitments.

I’ve never had a discussion with anyone I’ve dated about what either of us earn. I agree it’s bloody crass.

Other than my ex husband (because we had a joint bank account) I have no idea what anyone I’ve dated earns because it’s not a relevant discussion imo until we’re at the point of look g to cohabitate

OP @4556689vdrfjjh you're planning on having kids next year but he didn't want to subsidize your flight? He will marry you because you want to??
he's not that into you anymore - I think you could do better. You sound like a good person with a lot to offer.

OP you can’t afford it. You can’t afford the flight so what will you do for spending money when there?

You are being entitled expecting him to fund this. Don’t stop his opportunity because you haven’t got the money and have him cut his own trip short either because it’s a good opportunity for him too.

You have been together one year, you are being entitled.

If my son (when he is older) had a girlfriend who was stroppy he wouldn’t pay direct flights for her, after one year of dating, when she could borrow off her family behaved like this, I’d be concerned for him.

I see your point for the future, I know now it’s early to be sharing money but to be splitting everything equally when you’re a family never adds up to me as there’s always ‘unpaid work’ that’s expected and never acknowledged. Anyway, I do find it a little odd that, even though he would cover the cost of the hotel, why would he even offer this knowing it would be impossible for you to afford. If I was him and I didn’t want to pay for everything and I knew this would be difficult for my partner, I wouldn’t mention a holiday. I’d only mention it if I was willing to pay and make this happen. It sounds like he’s not assed if you’re there or not. Personally I wouldn’t borrow money and get into debt for this.

Let's be real here, people might well be thinking that. But if we look at the earning power of women against men across the lifetime of a relationship - I think we can all agree that men are fair more able - even if not willing - to progress in a career than women are. Esp if children are on the cards.

So it's not exactly an equal swap, is it?

There's nothing automatically wrong with that if both parties agree, ForgottenPalace, and especially not if it's within a long marriage where the wife has security anyway, but OP has none of this and yet apparently hopes for children "in the next year" anyway

Frankly, if I was her OH's family or friend, I'd just hope he'd got his own contraception arrangements thoroughly sorted, but then since few succeed financially by being extremely stupid I'd kind of expect this to be the case anyway

I don't understand why everyone is calling OP entitled. He hasn't paid for his flights, is just paying for an extra week in a hotel which in most parts of Asia is usually not expensive. Certainly a flight there (I'm guessing from USA) would cost way more. So it's a bit unfair of him to expect her to pay more for a trip that's his idea when he earns 4-5 times as much. He is a miser and making her feel bad about it. Does not sound like a long term prospect to me.

Because they are separate individuals who don't mingle finances, and at least one of them prefers it that way.

Massive red flag. You’re not being entitled, he asked you on the trip so he should pay. He should want you next to him in business class, not slumming it on an indirect economy flight via China. You’ve been together a year, you’re more than entitled to have expectations of this man to pay your way. I’ll bet he’s got expectations of you, no?!

😂😂😂 surely you’d didn’t write that with a straight face, but for a bet?

If it’s BA it’s highly unlikely they would upgrade you, even he’d be lucky to get an upgrade these days.

I said it with a 100% straight face, I would never accept being treated in that way by a man I’m in a relationship with.

the earning power of women against men across the lifetime of a relationship

Let's just remember it is not the earning power of women v men and absolutely the typical earning power of mothers versus fathers, exactly because women end up doing more of the parenting, especially in unplanned situations such as when the D.C. are unexpectedly ill. It's the having other priority which impacts so many women's earning power.

Not being women per se. Just sayin.

The relevance here is that if you are already thinking seriously about having children together then it's already time to forget about splitting cost 50:50

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Apparently a lot of women believe the OP should pay her way to be slum in economy, but then the men bar is very low on MN, you just need to see the gazillions threads on here written by women, it’s really shocking.

I agree. What a lot of women are really deluded about is that they think that grimly hanging onto some notion of penny-for-penny fairness in some ways morally entitles them to equal treatment. That's not how it works. Find a good man who is prepared to treat you as an equal because you are both amazing and special valuable human beings (good luck with that) and also, because he loves you. Then, he will give you equal respect to that he gives to himself. If you haven't found that guy (and like I said, good luck) you cannot buy respect. No matter how many miserable little coffees and economy flights you scrimp and save to shell out for, as far as he's concerned, you are still a lesser being and in his life to facilitate him, and paying for stuff is just one of the ways you are putting his interests first, which he entirely agrees with as a value system

Most women on mumsnet (and in the world) are with really shit men and desperately trying to convince themselves otherwise, with all kinds of magical thinking, including babyish notinos of numerical "fairness"

You've nailed it with this post.
I suggest that (some) women keep rereading the post until it starts making sense. It's years of conditioning to be undone.. not a small feat.

Bottom line, there are generous people and there are carefully counting “you owe me this I owe you that” people. They are not very compatible in my opinion.

I am more like you OP, if situation were reversed I would have gladly made sure that we share the joy of this holiday together, and on par (on the same flight !), especially as there is no history of another party taking advantage of my generosity. So I would expect the same from the partner. Making you go on a different flight for the sake of few hundred pounds is not generous. It may not necessarily mean he isn’t looking at you seriously, it may just be his way but you need to think carefully whether you would be happy with this attitude forever. Eg when you are on a mat leave and not earning.

As you can see from this thread there are a lot of people who will be happy with this arrangement (they are more compatible with your DP), but equally lots of people who are not (they are more compatible with you).

Precisely! He's covering a lot already and the punishing isn't right, it's) probably because of OP's previous behaviours with money.

The guy has been stung before so is rightfully cautious.

You sound a bit entitled. You seem to expect others like your boyfriend, or your family, to cough up when you want to go on holiday and don't have the money, or have spent it on other last minute breaks.

It sounds like your boyfriend has already tired of you assuming what's yours is yours and what's his is yours too. You should have made an effort for a bit longer to show some adult ability to be financially independent.

Boom! Straight to the point!

LADIES - YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF MEN

Like it or not, he has expectations of you. Stop letting these shitty men get away with putting in minimum effort. You deserve to be treated like a queen.

If you set the bar low early on in the relationship, it won’t get better. He won’t reward you for being low maintenance. He will not think that you are chilled out and easy going. Your low expectations will be the benchmark for the relationship going forward, and he will always treat you like a woman who only deserves the bare minimum of effort and expense.

OP the key red flag is not the money, but that he’s not bothered that you would not be sitting by his side as his travel companion. Why not downgrade so you can both fly economy on the same flight? Why not both take the indirect flight via China? He expects you to do what he won’t and that’s not right.

and to all the people on here saying ‘if some entitled woman expected my son to pay for her holiday blah blah blah’ - shame on you! Please don’t put men like this out into the world. I also have a son and if I found out he was being a tight wad trying to put his woman on an indirect economy flight while he’s flying direct in business, then he’d have me to answer to!

@spicychilli82 @achipandachair - Ladies you're my kind of women.

I have friends with men who they keep apologising for...but then saying what a wonderful guy he is. I recently found out that two friends of mine always pay for their weekends away with boyfriends as they feel it's fair because they suggest them.

There's a lot of very low effort men out there.

Sadly I have noticed a trend that women will put up with shite because they are worried they won't meet someone to have children with.