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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

581 replies

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 13:27

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

OP posts:
Earthlypowers · 09/09/2024 16:11

4556689vdrfjjh · 07/09/2024 19:37

Oof this has blown up quite a bit...

So update is that we had a massive row about this (well tbf mainly other things too) almost split up.. a few days of angst and then spoke about it a bit more calmly.

He agreed with what a previous poster has mentioned- he felt triggered by the idea of him having to pay towards it etc and he apologised for saying I'm entitled and he doesn't think I am and said of course he would have helped a bit if we weren't in a bad place when the discussion came up. He's conscious of women in the past being with him for money (which to be clear, I'm not.. I'm improving my own career and can earn my own money and in fact my family have money if really needed). However I'm very conscious of my earning potential being hindered in future by children and what his stance on that would be. There have been other amber flags in relation to this such as him not wanting to get married-- now supposedly he's on board with that if it's essential to me -and if we get to that stage- but time will tell..

He told me he also felt I'd be financially irresponsible as he thought it had been clear this trip was coming up and I could have/should have saved and I should have thought about this when considering a weekend away I had with a friend a while ago (not just me who has an opinion on what the other person spends their money on clearly!!) Which I accept is semi- fair as I had a general idea of this trip maybe happening but the flights were no way near this expensive when it was first mentioned and various other factors at play such as having to take unpaid leave to prepare for exam and other even more outing issues which I shan't mention. I didn't want to not have a spontaneous trip with a friend to save for this and it not happen. Although I appreciate I could have instead maybe tried to convince her to go away later if that happened...but things I didn't think about at the time. Also of course he's a bit out of touch with how far money goes nowadays when you don't have masses spare and realistically I wouldn't have been able to save much more even without that weekend away!

He also admitted that he was "punishing" me in a way-or rather wanting to make that point about "well as you've not saved the money let's not go" so I didn't imagine that mentality was at play.

So we're taking a bit of a break from making decisions for a few days about this (he hasnt currently cancelled the extra time as he said he was going to). I've made it clear if we aren't going to this place then as I've specifically saved a week's holiday for this (which is valuable as I've had to takes lots of annual leave for study etc) that I'd really like to go away properly together for the full week and feel like we've had a real holiday.

For the posters commenting about not needing a holiday etc, I've been studying for a long time, culminating in a long period of intense exams, both living with things such as intensive building work, some medical issues and a close family member passing. We do need a holiday together and hopefully we will make this trip work or another one for a full week together.

He sounds truly awful. I understand that kids are your priority and that you feel pressed for time. I am afraid that some sacrifices will have to be made.

I really do not think that he will make you happy, but you may have kids with him and that will come at the cost.

You could also take a risk, leave him and look for someone more suitable. But there are no guarantees.

All this is not helpful, I know, you are probably aware of it yourself.

If it is of any consolation, many women have faced this frustrating and unappealing challenge and have suffered through it one way or another.

I do wish you all the best and the most beneficial outcome for your future.

ToastCrumbsInMyBed · 09/09/2024 16:16

He could be concerned that you seem to have so little money and appear to expect him to come up with it for the holiday. If you've started financially leaning on him in this way so soon, it might be a red flag for him.

Why are you so short of money? Are you not renting out your own house since you moved in with him?

saffy2 · 09/09/2024 16:19

Yes, you’re entitled.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 09/09/2024 18:03

Incidentally, for those who are thinking this is a red flag on HIS part and I should be worried/leave etc.. how do you think it should work out?

It's difficult because if he has bad experiences of women only being with him because he is rich, then I can understand him being cautious.

The important thing is that he realises that you are not like that before you get married and have kids.

I would also discuss what will happen with regards to moneh when you go on maternity leave etc but as other threads on here have shown, men often say one thing and do another.

I wouldn't get married until you were sure that his attitude towards you has changed and you were sure that he will pool his money with you or at least pay for everything whilst you are on maternity leave.

Pomegranatecarnage · 09/09/2024 19:05

I can see why you’re disappointed. If I were earning a large salary, I’d pick up the slack. However, I wouldn’t expect it from someone else. I’m a generous person, but a lot of people aren’t. I always find it surprising when someone well-off doesn’t treat their loved ones. I think the best solution is to buy the flights on an interest free credit card so you can pay it off when you’re earning more.

1mabon · 09/09/2024 19:07

You are faffing about. Tell him exactly was you can afford, just get on with it.

Dinkydo12 · 09/09/2024 19:08

Maybe save up instead and go next year. Asia will still be there.

ForgottenPalace · 09/09/2024 19:15

Hello. I'm in quite a similar position as you. Me and partner have been together over 5 years and he lives just down the road but he's always at mine, always, which I love. But he works full time and makes pretty good money as I only work as a mid day assistant at a primary school and I've got two kids at home, my eldest has his own place in a different country, which I'm proud of. Anyway, I'm to pay for half of anything, which most of the time I'm okay with but when he suggests a holiday I've got to pay half. I feel as if this is a red flag as he earns so much more than me and I don't feel financially secure, and he knows this. I've spoken to him about it, ie..."Could you pay for such and such as I don't have the money",... But unfortunately he just gets defensive so I don't say anything anymore and just say that I can't afford that right now and he just sulks. I was thinking maybe I'm asking for too much of him but then again he has no problem bragging about a pay rise. We're going to France with my two children this October and it's giving me slight anxiety as I know that the trip will break me money wise. I've paid for half the flights and the hotel room and that took a lot from me. So I know how you feel. So therefore, I feel that you're correct in feeling the way that you do. He should really pay for your flights if he was anything of a man. That's just my opinion. I mean, we're not asking our men to pay for our lifestyles, are we, just a bit help, definitely if they're wanting to go somewhere expensive for us.

Shooola · 09/09/2024 19:19

ForgottenPalace · 09/09/2024 19:15

Hello. I'm in quite a similar position as you. Me and partner have been together over 5 years and he lives just down the road but he's always at mine, always, which I love. But he works full time and makes pretty good money as I only work as a mid day assistant at a primary school and I've got two kids at home, my eldest has his own place in a different country, which I'm proud of. Anyway, I'm to pay for half of anything, which most of the time I'm okay with but when he suggests a holiday I've got to pay half. I feel as if this is a red flag as he earns so much more than me and I don't feel financially secure, and he knows this. I've spoken to him about it, ie..."Could you pay for such and such as I don't have the money",... But unfortunately he just gets defensive so I don't say anything anymore and just say that I can't afford that right now and he just sulks. I was thinking maybe I'm asking for too much of him but then again he has no problem bragging about a pay rise. We're going to France with my two children this October and it's giving me slight anxiety as I know that the trip will break me money wise. I've paid for half the flights and the hotel room and that took a lot from me. So I know how you feel. So therefore, I feel that you're correct in feeling the way that you do. He should really pay for your flights if he was anything of a man. That's just my opinion. I mean, we're not asking our men to pay for our lifestyles, are we, just a bit help, definitely if they're wanting to go somewhere expensive for us.

Edited

But if they're not his kids, why would he pay for them?

MumOfThreeChaos · 09/09/2024 19:24

Yes it's too much to expect him to cover the flights, but it's not unreasonable to ask to look at compromises together and see if you can make it work in some way or another. Sounds like it's ended up in an argument if he was really keen, he'd be trying to make it work or suggesting a different trip together that actually still feels like a holiday.

I have been in the position as the low earner in a couple before, always having to pay 50:50. The relationship set up was NOT good for me as I fully overspent. It's impossible not to get drawn in and spend more than you should do in that situation. I do think it's a red flag, not necessarily about him, but about your overall compatibility as a couple.

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2024 19:25

ForgottenPalace · 09/09/2024 19:15

Hello. I'm in quite a similar position as you. Me and partner have been together over 5 years and he lives just down the road but he's always at mine, always, which I love. But he works full time and makes pretty good money as I only work as a mid day assistant at a primary school and I've got two kids at home, my eldest has his own place in a different country, which I'm proud of. Anyway, I'm to pay for half of anything, which most of the time I'm okay with but when he suggests a holiday I've got to pay half. I feel as if this is a red flag as he earns so much more than me and I don't feel financially secure, and he knows this. I've spoken to him about it, ie..."Could you pay for such and such as I don't have the money",... But unfortunately he just gets defensive so I don't say anything anymore and just say that I can't afford that right now and he just sulks. I was thinking maybe I'm asking for too much of him but then again he has no problem bragging about a pay rise. We're going to France with my two children this October and it's giving me slight anxiety as I know that the trip will break me money wise. I've paid for half the flights and the hotel room and that took a lot from me. So I know how you feel. So therefore, I feel that you're correct in feeling the way that you do. He should really pay for your flights if he was anything of a man. That's just my opinion. I mean, we're not asking our men to pay for our lifestyles, are we, just a bit help, definitely if they're wanting to go somewhere expensive for us.

Edited

If he's always at yours does he pay half your bills?

Flossyts · 09/09/2024 19:28

My work pay for business class or let you swap for 2 economy so you can bring a partner is that an option?

ForgottenPalace · 09/09/2024 19:30

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2024 19:25

If he's always at yours does he pay half your bills?

No. Nothing. I've suggested to him in the past to pay a bill but he gets defensive. I've asked him to move in but he just isn't going to. I'm going to give it some time and if things don't change I might have to let him go, I suppose.

1983Louise · 09/09/2024 19:30

I think if he'd have wanted you there he would have paid or at least contribute to your flights. Just something to think about going forward.......

DodoTired · 09/09/2024 19:31

I think you are just not compatible.

in my opinion the partner should contribute to the flight (at the very least with airmiles!). How on earth are you going to have holidays after, he will be going but you won’t go? It’s just not going to work 🤷‍♀️

Oxforddictionary12 · 09/09/2024 19:37

I went on 3 dates with someone once. Nice guy, great conversation but they always insisted on paying completely separately. Not so much as an offer of buying a drink. I called it off, not because I didn't like them but I knew that we were completlely incompatible when it came to attitudes towards money. If he can afford it, he should be happy to pay for you OP. It would be different if he couldn't afford it but it seems he could. I would pay for you in his position. I suppose he has been open to discusion and suggesting alternatives. But do make sure you marry someone generous and kind.

Mwanamatapa · 09/09/2024 19:38

Not entitled at all. If you've been together over a year and he earns 4-5 times more than you, he could pay for you to join him on holiday for a week. Surely he wants to spend time with you and can afford it. Sounds like he's being really selfish. It's a red flag in my book.

TicklishMintDuck · 09/09/2024 19:39

Strugglingtothinkofausername · 05/09/2024 13:52

OP, are you saying you think he has now rescinded the offer to pay fully for the accommodation?

I’m going to go against the grain here, I think he’s a bit stingy and you are right to start thinking about what the future would look like .

I mean I can see it from his POV that I wouldn’t necessarily like someone to ask me to pay for their tickets but if I had that kind of money and they didn’t I’d offer to top up to get them a better flight.

In terms of future maternity etc I’d try and get specifics from him as to how it would work, who would pay for childcare costs if you went back to work etc, would you have access to shared account.

Woah! I’d run a mile from anyone who wanted that discussion so soon in a relationship lol

DodoTired · 09/09/2024 19:40

Sorry just read your updates. Don’t stay with him. He is stingy, already shows he likes to punish you, and your life on maternity leave will not be fun at all.
I say this as a high earner, it’s not about the money really, it’s just stinginess and judginess

Shooola · 09/09/2024 19:42

If you are planning a baby and getting married next year, have you started saving?

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2024 19:46

ForgottenPalace · 09/09/2024 19:30

No. Nothing. I've suggested to him in the past to pay a bill but he gets defensive. I've asked him to move in but he just isn't going to. I'm going to give it some time and if things don't change I might have to let him go, I suppose.

Oh my word, he sounds awful.

If it was just the holiday cost issue, I can see the argument for that because technically there are three of you and one of him, but the fact that he virtually lives at yours but doesn't see why he should contribute to the household in any way is quite honestly disgusting, you'd have more free money for holidays is you weren't letting him live there for free. So he's got a nerve sulking about you not being able to afford things.

I think 5 years is long enough to decide whether you want to live together or not, if he does want to live with you but still wants to keep his own place then that is up to him, but he should be paying for his house and half your household bills, he obviously only thinks things should be equal when it suits him.

Stampees · 09/09/2024 19:46

Seriously, it shouldn’t be so hard, especially after a year. It should be easy. Read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” You’ll know your answer in an hour.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/09/2024 19:48

Oxforddictionary12 · 09/09/2024 19:37

I went on 3 dates with someone once. Nice guy, great conversation but they always insisted on paying completely separately. Not so much as an offer of buying a drink. I called it off, not because I didn't like them but I knew that we were completlely incompatible when it came to attitudes towards money. If he can afford it, he should be happy to pay for you OP. It would be different if he couldn't afford it but it seems he could. I would pay for you in his position. I suppose he has been open to discusion and suggesting alternatives. But do make sure you marry someone generous and kind.

"If he can afford it, he should be happy to pay for you..."

Why? I truly don't understand this attitude. And who gets to decide what he can "afford" ? Newsflash: He does. Not his girlfriend, not her friends, not Mumsnet.

Theoretically I could "afford" to take 10 people to Asia for two weeks. But that would come at the expense of other long- and short-term goals I have budgeted for.

Just becuase someone earns a higher salary doesn't mean they have copious extra cash to fling around. Especially in this case when she chose to blow her discretionary cash on a trip with her friends instead of saving it for Asia, for a wedding, for maternity leave; why should he stop his building works or savings or whatever to pick up that slack?

If someone told me that I "should" be happy to subsidize them, I'd laugh. I'm a generous person and give quite a bit to charities, to my sister, to young cousins, etc., but I'll be damned if anyone is going to demand it of me. Perhaps that is how he feels.

ForgottenPalace · 09/09/2024 19:49

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2024 19:46

Oh my word, he sounds awful.

If it was just the holiday cost issue, I can see the argument for that because technically there are three of you and one of him, but the fact that he virtually lives at yours but doesn't see why he should contribute to the household in any way is quite honestly disgusting, you'd have more free money for holidays is you weren't letting him live there for free. So he's got a nerve sulking about you not being able to afford things.

I think 5 years is long enough to decide whether you want to live together or not, if he does want to live with you but still wants to keep his own place then that is up to him, but he should be paying for his house and half your household bills, he obviously only thinks things should be equal when it suits him.

I know, I'm too weak for confrontation. After France I'm going to have a long hard think about the relationship.

Alifemoreordinary123 · 09/09/2024 19:56

Not read everything OP but I think this is a red flag. Not necessarily because he’s wrong and you’re right, but because your values and outlook are different. If he’s earning £150k plus I’m sure he could gently ask if you need help with flight costs to make a holiday work. Think very very carefully about having children in this situation, particularly if you’ve been having other issues.