Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

Assuming you have only been together for a little bit over a year and don’t share finances, I do think it’s entitled for you to ask him to pay for you, especially when family have actually offered so it’s not a case of there being no option at all.

He’s already said he will pay for the hotel, you can either get the cheaper indirect flight or your family have offered money, don’t see why he should be expected to pay the extra?

I think it’s fair to think about how he’d be down the line with shared finances but having a shared house/bills/kids is a very different situation to just wanting a better flight.

Yes you’re entitled. He’s there for work. He’s already paying for the hotel so you can “holiday” together after he’s finished said business trip. Pay for your own flight.

It sounds like you are being a little entitled, it’s his business where he spends his money - renovations or not. It’s not up to you to decide if he can “afford” to contribute to your travel.

At this point in your relationship, personally I wouldn’t be overly generous to a partner, I’ve made that mistake, split up and realised it was a waste / they took advantage.

It also sounds like you are keen on a discounted trip (most people would be) but you can’t really afford it.

The fact he’s said he will cancel it shows the fun had been taken out of it and it’s got too complicated. I’d also imagine he’s possibly not that into you if he earns 4/5x you, sorry. Is he generous in other areas? This will show you who he is in terms of finances which is important for the future if you have kids etc, you might not be compatible.

Do something else closer to him which you can split and then don’t owe eachother anything.

You are being entitled.

He's already prepared to foot most of the bill, you just don't seem prepared to contribute your part. You can afford flights but you don't like those ones so you're expecting him to bankroll you.

It's fair enough to think about the future, but expecting your boyfriend to financially look after you the same as a spouse or cohabiting partner would is just daft.

Wow!!

You've only been together for a year!!

No op, he shouldn't be paying for your holidays in their entirety.

By partner - do you mean you are already living together?

I understand his cold feet. You are giving off entitled vibes.

Very entitled.

You can't afford the trip, he's a relatively new boyfriend, he shouldn't be paying for you.

You don't share finances but know he earns 4 times more than you and expect him to subsidise you further than already paying for the hotel ... you're the red flag here not him.

So partner paying for hotel and family already helping out with flights?

It might be easier for you to tell us what you think you should be paying for 😬

you are being entitled. nothing wrong with changing flights in China, just do that, I've done it plenty of times.

Entitled and unreasonable to compare this situation to being married with.kids. They're very different things and not paying for a holiday one and a bit years in is very different to not having shared finances when you're married with kids.

OP, are you saying you think he has now rescinded the offer to pay fully for the accommodation?

I’m going to go against the grain here, I think he’s a bit stingy and you are right to start thinking about what the future would look like .

I mean I can see it from his POV that I wouldn’t necessarily like someone to ask me to pay for their tickets but if I had that kind of money and they didn’t I’d offer to top up to get them a better flight.

In terms of future maternity etc I’d try and get specifics from him as to how it would work, who would pay for childcare costs if you went back to work etc, would you have access to shared account.

One could argue that your expectations are excessive, given the relatively short relationship.

On the other hand, if the extra cost is less than, say, around a grand, you'd think he wouldn't hesitate to subsidise you so that he could enjoy this lovely holiday with you. (I'm assuming he earns more than 100k.)

Instead he is just looking at the £££ and is arguing rather than trying to find a compromise. Which leads me to think that he does not consider you to (potentially) be 'the one'.

I also don't think your entitled. He invited you on the trip, knowing that your means are small compared to his.

He didn't have to.
Or he could have phrased it in such a way initially that would politely let you know the position (ie, hey, if you've got the leave and can get yourself flights or, why don't you come and join me).

The text that it's causing so much discussion makes me think your both not in the same page with things like this. Especially since he didn't just privately roll his eyes and either get the food or make an excuse, but specifically said he thought you were entitled. Whether you were, it whether he was being tight is kind of irrelevant, you are miles apart.

I think you should have just told him you couldn't afford the trip and left it there, which would have been fair enough. He could have either said nevermind, or that he would pay if he felt particularly generous, but it sort of feels like there has been negotiations backwards and forwards which spoils it. Even if he paid the axcomodtiaon and flights, you've still got to eat and drink.
The kids argument - a sensible person where there was a difference in income would marry first to sure up their position.
Ask yourself honestly, can you afford to date this guy?

I don't think he's in the wrong though; you can't afford the trip, not even with him already paying the hotel fully. So surely cancelling and planning something more in line with your budget is reasonable.

At this point in your relationship i wouldn't expect him to most for your flights (even partially), he's paying for the hotel already.

As I read it, he offered to cancel the extended week there to spend the time with you somewhere you could afford, this seems a reasonable suggestion.

Gosh, very entitled. He’s made a kind and generous offer for you to join him on a holiday (he wouldn’t be paying for the hotel if he extended his business trip, so it IS costing him)

It’s not enough for you, and you want him to pay towards your flight? Or your family to pay for your flight?

Seems you’re pretty entitled in all directions. You don’t mind whether it’s him or your family who pay for your expenses, as long as someone does. Awful.

And likening it to maternity leave etc is mad. Hopefully he’ll never put himself in a position to be supporting you on maternity leave, and he’s run a mile before that.

Pay for your flights, that is!

You can't afford the holiday, that's the problem. It sounds like it would be amazing if you travelled together and had the money to do all you wanted to while you were there. His expenses would be covered through work - yours wouldn't. You'd be broke the whole time. Why put yourself through that.

As for him, I don't think he's a keeper. I don't think he's that interested in you and do think he's a bit tight.

To be blunt, here's some advice that will hold you in good stead.
"If you can't afford it you can't have it"
If the situation was reversed and your DP was asking you to contribute to a holiday for him while expecting you to put your building work, cosmetic or not, on hold we'd all be waving red flags and screaming "cocklodger".
I'd be running for the hills if I were your DP, a year in and you're using future kids as an excuse to make your point that he should be contributing to your holiday.

Entitled!

Yes I think expecting him to pay for your flights and hotel is really unreasonable.

I would say your are being a bit silly, OP.

He had offered to pay for your accommodation so it's only fair that you pay for your flight. It seems fair to me. At a stretch you could borrow the money from a family member and pay back in installments. And the flights don't sound like a big deal, it's just a case of a stop over. Chances are he is flying business so asking him to contribute to a business flight home from Asia is a little bit of a liberty. In saying that, I think if he is genuinely into you and is quite wealthy then if he had really wanted to, he could have offered.

Incidentally, I've lived in Asia and the flight home to Heathrow is fine but doing two long hauls within the space of a week will be a killer for jetlag so you may come back to work absolutely exhausted and it won't be as refreshing as you may hope.

I think you should opt for something cheap and cheerful within both of your budgets.

Entitled imo. Changing in China is easy.

I don’t think you can expect/ask him to pay. It’s all got complicated too! He has made an offer to you, you have researched it. You needed to say ‘ah sounds an amazing holiday, unfortunately the flights are too much for me but have fun, send pics and bring me a souvenir’
if he chose then to say have a contribution great, if not it’s really not his problem. You give facts, and let him make his choices, not start asking him to pay