Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

and we need a holiday together..

You’ve been seeing each other for a year, you don’t NEED a holiday together. You WANT a holiday together.

I suspect he is cancelling because he sees you as a walking red flag.

If you can’t afford to go, you can’t.

I don't want to give specifics but I have a decent wage.. but still basic tax payer.. hence saying I could afford it if the trip were in 6 months.

He has a very high wage, higher tax band plus bonuses etc which can be as much as his salary

He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though – but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items).

Sorry OP, but this sounds a bit like some of my ex-BFs who always seemed to have one beady eye on what they felt I could/should afford and resented me having any priorities other than satisfying their whims.

This man is discussing marriage and children with you in the next year and yet won’t give you a small (to him) contribution to join him on his trip and ensure you’re more comfortable? Yuck!

I can’t believe the responses on here, people must have very low standards. I would be taking this as a massive red flag tbh that he’s tight with money and not that keen on you. Being together nearly a year in your late 30s and living together is long enough for him to view you as a serious prospect, or not as the case may be.

He’s showing you who he is, i.e. unwilling to make a small financial sacrifice to ensure your comfort and happiness. My husband would sit in the cargo hold to give me the better seat if he could. That’s the sort of man you need when you’re in the trenches with a newborn OP, not this idiot.

I don’t think kids are a good idea in the next year, he’s a long way from being ready to pool finances and I wouldn’t have a baby with some where there was a risk I was stuck trying to work like I wasn’t pregnant /didn’t have a baby to fund my half of costs plus extra for the baby and care for a baby/small child largely on my own like I didn’t have a job.

Would he have to give you spending money too?

If he is a very, very frequent flyer and you bought an economy ticket, chances are they would upgrade you if he asks at the check in. You would check in at a different desk, but he could check in first and ask nicely. Or pay with his points to upgrade you. Unless it’s a full plane of course.

I’d be very surprised if they wouldn’t, at least if he has the platinum card. My DH usually get the four of us upgraded, and ir’s a real treat with Emirates.

No, he will be paying for the accommodation to stay on for the holiday. He was even going to cover the OPs share

I think your later updates, your studying info and the salary details, mean that I'm much less Yabu than I was off your op alone.

On the fence on this one.

My first thought that I wouldn't want to be flying business class knowing my girlfriend (you're not partners atm) was on the same plane flying economy. I would spend my money upgrading her to fly with me, but then I like spending money on my OH.

However, as you've only been together just over a year it's not unreasonable for him to ask you to pay for your own flight, seeing as he is paying for everthing else. As a pp said above, you might find it better to date within your income bracket, because as a late 30's woman he might be thinking you should have enough in savings to be able to afford the cost of the flight.

If it were me as the woman I wouldn't think twice about sticking on a credit card or borrowing from family to enjoy a week with my OH in an all paid for hotel.

This man won’t even contribute to helping the OP fly economy with the same airline! He wants her to take a worse/more inconvenient/separate flight so he doesn’t have to put his hand in his pocket.

DH paid for me to join him on a business trip when we were dating. He just took it for granted that he'd pay for flights and our hotel, he earned a lot more than me and paid on all our dates. We had been a couple for 3 years at that stage, not living together or shared finances. We certainly weren't at a stage of considering marriage and kids together. I'd say it's a bit of a red flag if he knows your financial situation.

I’m torn op. I do think it’s entitled to think he should pay for your flights and to think you have to fly direct but I think simply saying…I cannot afford the economy flights on short notice is reasonable… thus opening a dialog about how you COULD afford this trip. To me this is an example of what sounds like a cheaper way to see a country but really is not…you have flights food incidentals. Maybe it’s simply not the time to see Asia. Sure it would be “ a great opportunity” but it’s just that…only an opportunity which you cannot afford at this time. Altho I think it’s ok to be thinking about your future with him and what having children with him would be like it’s unfair to extrapolate his support of you and children from this trip. Good on you OP for furthering your education and looking to increase your salary. My advice…and I say this as someone twice married to high earners…keep working keep earning build a financial empire of your own which you can do while having children and be secure in your own finances….JUST IN CASE. I disagree he’s not interested in you I think he’s not interested in paying for the entire trip so I do not consider this a negative about your relationship.

OP maybe a bit off topic but do you mean you'd be going out for the second week only, or for both weeks and do your own thing during the daytimes for the first week? If the former I would say it'd probably barely be worth it if you're going indirect - probably not the country you're talking about (I'm assuming Japan or Singapore?) but indirect flights via China to Thailand last year were between 24 and 40 hours with changes etc which wouldn't leave you much time actually on holiday! If it's two weeks or even say 10 days I'd be more relaxed, I always fly the cheaper Chinese airlines to Asia and they're fine. If the stopover is in Shanghai and is long enough, you can get a 24 hr visa and go out to explore too, which is more interesting than sitting in an airport for hours on end!

More generally I think this is one of those things that people have very set ideas on and it might just be that you aren't compatible. I earn about 10x what my H does so tbh unless I contributed, we'd never get to do nice things. We did move very quickly though (moved in very fast, engaged by month three, married within a year of meeting). But I know other people are very firmly in the separate money/everyone pays their own way camp. I don't think it's a case of reasonable vs unreasonable, just different mindsets... whether you can adjust to this is up to you but I wouldn't expect him to change his firmly held beliefs without a lot of resentment particularly as it's relatively early in the relationship.

The flip-flopping on what he'll pay for would concern me. The last thing you'd want to feel is indebted to him (if he throws it back in your face later down the line). If he's a really high earner and his contribution amounts to a very small % of his income, I'd think he's being a bit stingy. I think I'd pay an extra £100 or so to make sure my partner could come on holiday with me if their earnings were much lower. And I'm a mid-range earner. I.e. it wouldn't have any financial impact on me. I don't think that makes you entitled hoping he'd behave that way. I think you're expecting generosity (which sounds like it's on a small scale i.e. if he's on £100k and he'd need to help you out to the tune of up to £300 maybe, that's not going to leave him hard up is it).

I think he probably feels like you're already getting a very good deal out of this opportunity with a very cheap holiday in Asia, so asking for him to contribute to the one part you needed to pay for (the flights) probably felt a bit cheeky to him.

Saying to him 'I'd love to go but even with you covering the accommodation I'm not sure I can afford the flight.' and maybe then he might have offered is very different to expecting him to pay towards it.

On another note though even if it's cheaper I don't think I would do the flight with the China stopover. I've traveled extensively including the majority of asian countries and China and its airports / airlines was by far the most stressful and challenging to navigate. They had rules for flying that I've never encountered anywhere else and people didn't really speak English to be able to resolve issues.

This is what I thought too. And their ages.

If you're already late 30s and planning to match his income in 5 years, where are children featuring into this? Unfair as it is, taking time off to have a child will impact your career path, especially if you have just obtained your qualification and plan to have children within a year of doing that.

Discussing children so soon in a relationship with a high earner who is doing house renovations while you earn much less than him is usually considered love bombing and future faking when you are in the position of reduced fertility being a likely risk.

He hasn't offered to pay for your flights, he has reasonably expected you to. Doesn't seem like this is an equal relationship because you do expect him to pay for you because he earns more.

True. I read the updates after posting the first time and actually changed my mind about it..

Very entitled!
Similar relationship position here (slightly less time together) and there's no way I would expect him to subsidise my travel, particularly if he was already footing the accommodation bill.

Absolutely this.
I'm really surprised by the responses here. He isn't funding her trip, he's already paying for the hotel for himself. They are living together, he earns 5x her salary, planning kids and further commitment soon. In his shoes I wouldn't think twice about paying what I assume is the difference between the difficult economy flight and the direct economy flight. She'd still be sat in economy whilst he is in business class. He's basically making her beg.

I don't see what is entitled about this. He doesn't seem to understand that she is at a different salary point in her career. Why would he not just offer to pay, it really strikes me as a lack of understanding and empathy and I don't think it bodes well for settling down and having children.
If the OP does decide to pursue this relationship then I'd insist on marriage before babies.

I loathe stingy men, but I'm on the fence on this one.

He's made a generous offer, so ideally you'd be able to afford your ticket.

You can't though, so should've just told him that, then it's up to him how much he wants to share this trip with you...

Now you've done the 'trying to afford it but can't' gymnastics, you've left room for him to make out you're unreasonable.

I wouldn't be planning children with him though. I wouldn't procreate with someone who is all my 50p must match your 50p to make a £1.

Perhaps, but that's not really relevant to the question is it? I'm more nervous as it's changing in China rather than just changing planes. Also reviews talk about delays often and therefore it could potentially mean missing connections and a journey of closer to 24 hours indirect versus half that direct.

In case it's relevant, when discussing this, he has agreed that he wouldn't do those cheaper flights if he were in my position but as he "can afford not to have to" it's irrelevant.😐

Some of the later posters have voiced my fears... so it's not ok for him to behave like this if, say, we were married with a child ("sorry, Mummy can't afford to come on this trip so we'll leave her behind") but it is ok now as it's a "new" relationship (by some people's standards). At what stage do I stop becoming entitled? I'm genuinely interested at what stage things should change... when I'm pregnant? Before we try to conceive? A year before? When he's sure that he wants to be with me forever and build a life together? In which case, he's telling me that's not how he feels right now..

If this is the trip of a lifetime and he's paying the hotel costs can't you just put your flight on a credit card?

In your position I'd probably do the cheap flight via China.

Yuck indeed.