Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

If you can't even afford the flights, what will you do for food, meals out, sightseeing costs etc. Would he have to pick all those costs up to?

He made a comment along these lines in a previous discussion.. I could call the airline and say my partner is flying in business and is there anything they could do etc so maybe an upgrade available... Unfortunately, this relies on my being on the same flight as him. Which I cannot afford.

Presumably if you have a baby by then you'll be married and it will be joint money.

So that's different to this scenario.

At this point he's just your boyfriend of a year and you don't have joint finances.

He's footing the accomodation for himself, he was staying for the extra days regardless of whether she joined him or not.
He's happy for her to take a flight that she's not comfortable with, rather than offer to help her pay for a different still economy flight. He earns 5x her wage. To me this is just unkind, this is the person he's talking about marriage and children with.

Sorry but he’s single and earns 4 or 5 more times than her, he should be treating her, end off. If he’s not willing to invest in this relationship and share the fun with her then he needs to find a partner on his same income bracket. This is the type of tight guy who will expect her to pay through her own maternity leave despite her making 4 times less than him. Also: this guy’s flight is paid by his company, it’s a work trip and he would be paying for accommodation with or without the OP there, so no, he’s not paying for ‘her accommodation’. God he sounds cheap.

NO YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED OP!!! THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG 🚩

That’s a very small amount of money for a high earner. I earn precisely nothing (live on savings) and I would pay that much even for a friend. Partly because I wouldn’t want them to have a stressful journey (of course changing in China is stressful!) and partly because I’d want their company. It’s bizarre that he doesn’t.

Please don’t listen to people on here….Mumsnet posters think that’s everyone is entitled for expecting any help at all. I think this is a sign of things to come and I think you already know that….as you’ve said. I repeat, go with your gut and don’t take the advice of people you don’t know.

How much is the direct flight that you cannot afford? This may give an indication of what he is not prepared to pay.

It's difficult as I thought you were cheeky. Now we know you are actually living together and planning a future it does change my mind a bit.

But I do think you are cheeky in deciding in your mind what buildings work he should or should not be doing at the moment versus paying for your flight. But that is a separate issue.

Clearly we've been having other issues recently so maybe this is showing up a fundamental incompatibility/difference in our values and expectations etc.

This to me says it all. You have been having other issues in your relationship so he's probably not as committed anymore. I honest wouldn't contribute money to fund someone's trip if we aren't getting along. If this wasn't an issue I would say that you aren't being unreasonable, but if you're having relationship problems then I feel like you are being blind to the real issue at hand.

It's never going to work. Move on.

In case it's relevant, when discussing this, he has agreed that he wouldn't do those cheaper flights if he were in my position but as he "can afford not to have to" it's irrelevant.😐

That is a huge turn off.

"Sorry but he’s single and earns 4 or 5 more times than her, he should be treating her, end off."

Why?

No you can’t call them, he needs to ask when he checks in his bags. And he needs to ask nicely.

I wouldn’t fly a cheap airline to change in China either. No thanks. After your updates I’m not sure he is a keeper tbh.

Because any decent human being would?

I wonder if it has become an issue because of how you have both talked about it, so if you had initially said that it sounds amazing but you can't afford the flight right now while you are studying but you'd love to plan it next year, then maybe he would then offered to pay for the flight. So maybe it is the fact you asked to use his airmiles etc that has put his back up, rather than potentially covering it. I agree it seems unlikely he 'can't' afford it, but it is his choice how he spends his money.

You say he goes on this trip annually so it is unclear why it needs to be this year anyway - if he goes regularly, has family there and you are both decent earners there will be many more opportunities to go. I also wouldn't fly to Asia for 1 week.... (and def wouldn't fly non-direct). Why don't you plan a trip together there for 10 days/2 weeks next year when you san save up? I think the whole negotiation for this year will have definitely taken the fun out of it anyway!

Lol. So if you don't pay for someone's holiday your are not a decent human being?

ps. yes he is covering the hotel but he would have anyway and you are compromising on dates and not having the fun of flying out together, sitting next to each other etc - he also would have the benefit of having you there! So I don't think it is right to just say he is being super generous as others have.

But you’re not in a serious committed relationship, you’re boyfriend and girlfriend who don’t live together. Separate homes, separate finances, separate lives.

The price difference between a cheap indirect flight to Asia and a business class direct one could be thousands. I wouldn't expect someone else to foot the bill.

Clearly we've been having other issues recently so maybe this is showing up a fundamental incompatibility/difference in our values and expectations etc.

The more you post, the more I think your above statement is the cause for concern.

Now I know you live together and are planning marriage and children, I have changed my mind and think that it's not an unreasonable request if you cannot afford the flights. But perhaps he should have considered this before suggesting you join him etc.

I think you're a cheeky fucker! He's not your meal ticket. Either pay for yourself and don't scrounge off others, or don't go.

They live together and are talking about marriage and children - soon as they are both older. He's her partner.

Because he seems to have more expensive tastes than the OP (that he can afford and she cannot). If he wants to share the “fun times” with a partner that makes one fifth of what he makes he should be paying for it, if he refuses then he needs to find a partner on his same income bracket. This applies to both men and women.

I'm actually unsure. It sounds entitled at face value however I'm retraining too (my partner is a high, albeit not a ridiculous earner) and accepted he would be meeting an equal in all ways except financial for now. If an opportunity came up to travel somewhere interesting like this, I think he would pay the difference within reason rather than see me do a long, tiring connection for a relatively short visit when it could be a much easier trip. Depends how much you're asking about.

I don't agree it's representative of his attitude towards family etc necessarily as those are fundamental and this is generosity towards nice to haves. Different sets of values. You say you've paid for weekends away. Has he reciprocated?

I don't have a conclusion, just the main concensus seems to be 'you're being entitled' and I'm not entirely convinced you don't have a point. I suppose, bottom line is, either accept the tickets with the china connection you can afford and make the best of it or don't go (I'd be happy to do this in principle, you just need to decide if it's worth it within your budget).

Totally agree!

I agree that he's not being unreasonable at all. You can't compare your situation to being married with kids. That's a completely different ball game.
I also don't like the way you want to get your hands on the money he's put aside for building works on his house. You're saying it's not urgent and he could postpone the works. This seems outrageous to me! I'd never suggest such a thing.