Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

The main point is, you're not married with a child, are you? And you haven't even fully committed to one another, you're not trying to get pregnant or conceive. A year is not very long and it sounds to me like he's getting cold feet at how fast you want this all to happen. And so, maybe he's testing the water with you a little as it sounds like you're super focussed on money, promises of children and marriage, and it could be a bit of a turn-off for him. To put it bluntly, in terms of fertility and money, time is on his side not yours and he may feel that you're really pushing him into a corner.

OP I think rather then arguing you need to sit down and discuss it like adults and say I would love to come and explore but I would like to be on the same plane due to not visiting this place, having to navigate across a city on my own (given he will be working) which is daunting for me along with navigatingthe other aspects such as transferring in another location. Currently I can afford x is there a way we can examine this together with the computer screen up with your air miles and see if this is feasible?

That to me is reasonable way forward rather then saying he should pay towards your flight.

I would say that you’re being entitled. You’ve been together a relatively short time and don’t share finances. If this is a regular yearly trip then plan to do it next year so you have time to save up and go for a cheaper break this year.

i don’t think it’s a red flag, if you do decide to have kids, get married, move in together then you can have another talk about finances before you take that step.

Just to add, I don't think you are an entitled person, OP, you certainly do not come across that way in later posts. But you do sound confused as to how he is reacting and for people who seem to have agreed on starting a family in the next 12 months, there seems to be an awful lot of stuff you haven't discussed, which would have come before the baby talk, like finances. I think this situation has created the perfect opportunity to sit down and discuss your relationship in bald terms. People don't like to discuss money but I have seen so many couple get into real difficulty because they didn't have some honest conversations when their relationships were getting serious. Don't let this be you.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say he's being mean and I'd regard this as a red flag. You've been seeing each other a year now: how long does it have to be before he'll consider it long enough to have a good holiday with you and bear an appropriate percentage of the cost? You say you're talking seriously about children. In which case I'd be concerned.

I do, however, think you're sounding wussy and bit entitled about the flights. There's nothing less attractive than a 'can't do' fussy attitude — and that may well have made him decide to call the whole idea off. If my partner said 'Damn it, I hate flying and the thought of spending four hours for a connection in an out-of-the-way Chinese airport scares me, but I want to come, I want to be with you and I'll do it' I'd probably stump up the extra to fly Singapore Airlines direct. I'd find someone whose starting point was 'I need you to subsidise £500 to fly with a main carrier' a bit of a turn-off. I imagine at that point he saw how the holiday was likely to go and thought no.

That said, if's he's a high earner and if spending £500 to get you a direct flight is too much to ask of him, I'd assume he's either not planning to stick around for much longer or he's tight and untrusting. And if it's the latter, you don't want to be like some of the mothers of young babies on here, posting in distress because their high-earning partner's expecting them to make a 50:50 contribution to household bills and they're practically penniless while he has
£££s in his account at the end of each month.

Very true

maybe you're both worth more and are just not all that compatible - sounds like he's just not that into you

He sounds mean with money. I wouldn’t see a future long term. If you really do love him I would ask him at what point he would be prepared to pay for such a thing for you- after five years? Ten? When married? Ask matter of factly. If he’s outraged, I wouldn’t be hanging around. Others have said you can’t afford the holiday- this is also true. If you don’t have pooled finances and there’s not enough money you can’t expect him to pay. But would he ever… that’s the big question. And I expect not. x

I am surprised by everyone saying a year in is not a long term relationship. However I do not think he is on the same page as you. He should want you to fly out and join him on an incredible holiday and if he is a high earner I would expect him to help you out with the finances of this. If you are looking for marriage and kids from this relationship I think or from any relationship at this stage of your life I would move on.
He is not thinking of you as a long term life partner.

I completely agree. I have never met a person who was stingy a year into a relationship and suddenly become generous when married.

And the fact that he's not even willing to spend his points on you, is a big bright red flag.

For those who say you wouldn't invite him if you had money, I completely disagree. I have a higher income than most of my girlfriends and I almost always subsidize our trips together, use my points for hotel nights away and invite them, plan itineraries that aren't way above their budget... which is what you'd do if you value someone's company and you can afford to.

I'll probably get flayed alive for this but I'm failing to see why you're "entitled".
As soon as my DH and I met if we wanted to do things together we made it happen, regardless of who paid. Relationships and finances often have ebbs and flows, and sometimes one person picks up the slack at that time and the other person another time because you're a team working together.
I'd have a serious think about having kids with someone you can't even arrange a holiday with. Hope everything works out for you x

Yes you are being entitled and quite possibly manipulative mentioning about the future and your concerns if you were to have kids etc. That may be a genuine concern but the timing of these comments suggests your trying to manipulate him to paying for you because you feel you are entitled to be paid for

Why should he? He doesn't owe her Anything. If the sexes were reversed would you be saying that?

@4556689vdrfjjh please don’t have dc until you’re married and really know this guy.
No he shouldn’t be expected to pay but he should be excited to explore a new country with you and be concerned enough that you travel on the same plane at least.
Baffles my brain how many pp’s on here think if you don’t earn a lot you should just go out and improve your earnings, just like that, magic!

Another voice saying he should pay for your flights as well. My reason?

"He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me."

It will barely make a blip in his finances.

When I was just an average paid worker I twice took platonic female friends on holiday and paid for their fares and hotel. With one I even paid for all her meals and other expenses as she was a full time student in debt and penniless. The other was a SAHM who provided her own spending money.

Why did I do it? Because I wanted their company and yet did not want them to have to beg/borrow to come along.

Some relationships are more important and worth more than money.

' you can't afford it so you can't have it' doesn't apply to businesses taking over other businesses and then saddling them with debt. In the old days he likely would have flown you out but housing is so expensive better save money for a deposit and nursery fees

This

I always thought that a poorer bloke should newer expect his female partner to pay for him. It’s usually said on here that they should only do the things the lower earner can afford

I’m seeing some very low standards on MN when it comes to men, now I understand the tons of shocking threads I read on this forum regarding mistreatment of women by men (both financially and emotionally) . I can totally see the OP in a few years posting one of those (sadly common threads) where she’s on maternity leave and her 5-times-her-salary husband is leaving her skint while on maternity leave.

Ladies that think OP is being entitled: you need to raise that bar.

She is mentioning here not to the guy. Nothing manipulative.

sorry to say but I agree with this, I think he is being a bit off considering he earns more and both of you could potentially enjoy a trip together in a place whereby you wouldnt usually get to go normally, and for cheaper due to the work thing. Thinking about myself, i would jump at the chance and if I was the higher earner I would chuck the cash at a good time with someone I love.
there are a lot of odd people on Mumsnet (I suspect a lot of incel men have infiltrated this site recently) who will say you're entitled or turn it into gender (thought you wanted equality etc) without just looking at the issue that is, that you partner is looking solely at the monetary cost of this rather than being ever so excited about a great fun trip. Sometimes the money shouldnt matter in my opinon
When I love someone I want to show them and how I do that is spend time with them and have adventures, no matter the cost and often when you pay more (which I always have as always been the bigger earner) you shouldnt mind too much, as I find kindness comes back to me in other ways. There has to be give and take and it is not always about money
In a nutshell, I would move heaven and earth for my partner to come on a trip like this, regardless, because it is an opportunity that might not come up again. Look at the signs this is telling you and think about whether this person is compatible with your values and how you would be if you were in his position. If you are opposites on such a big things as money I would really consider things.

I have done it for close friends let alone partner. I have friends who are in a very different financial position and happy to go for something cheaper. I am the one who doesn’t want to downgrade so I subsidise. It doesn’t happen often as it would make it uncomfortable for both sides if it becomes the norm/expectation but I have done it multiple times without a second thought. Including donating air miles. So it’s either he is tight or you are not “the one” - either way I’d be rethinking this relationship as the trip itself is probably symptomatic of wider issues.

Sorry - I vote for entitled too.

Yes I would have done exactly this, I would NEVER ask, I would see if he offered.
(And it would be a test of long term compatibility).

Imo the reaction makes him seem really stingy and weird with money though and is quite telling.

It would certainly make me question the relationship long term and whether he is someone that is generous and will be a team or whether he will always be keeping track of who spends what.

Also I agree with PP there's a lot of weird incel type ideas going around MN at the moment that shout about all women bei g entitled gold diggers.

I would adore a holiday with a loved one and have paid for friends, family members and also once for my now husband.

It's not a gender thing, it is a matter of someone I enjoy enhancing my time and I wouldn't want to make memories without them.

And my husband is extremely generous and has pretty much paid for everything since day 1 because seeing me smile is the highlight of his life (his words).

I agree so many women on MN have very low standards that leads to financial abuse later.

Completely agree, I married a generous man and it’s lovely and so much easier. “You want a year off for maternity? No problem darling I’ll make up the shortfall”, “you think we should get the more expensive pram because it’s better with a safer car seat? Sure let’s use my bonus money”, “you’d like to get a cleaner to help, ok what can we cut back on?” rather than the constant negotiating I see some of my friends and acquaintances have to do.

A partner should want to make your life easier and more pleasant, the fact he’s not willing to do this when it’s of limited inconvenience to him is a huge red flag.