Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

I can see on paper it looks controlling but I am not sure I have fairly represented his side to it. If he had a voice here I think that would be fairer on him.
I am standing up for not leaving DD because I really do believe she wouldn't be okay with me being away at the moment but I can also see that it doesn't give him much to work with to rebuild their relationship as I am always in the way.
I don't want to alienate her from him or deny his right to parent her but at the same time I want to respect her needs and wishes.

Leave the house regularly overnight so he can care for her.
Why.

To give him a chance to.

At the moment she shuts him out and doesn't allow him to do anything for her. If I am out, she waits until I come home to come out of her room or do anything. He is finding it really hard to build the relationship as I am always in the way, she turns to me and shuts him out.

She has said to me that she needs a 'dad filter' or 'dad buffer' as he doesn't listen to her.

If my daughter said those things, I would be concerned.

I would certainly not leave her alone with him if she felt unsafe.

I think your 15 year old DD is more clear sighted than you OP.

What does caring for her consist of?

You are not alienating him from his daughter he is aliening himself by not listening to her. You are not denying him his right to parent her you are listening to what she is saying and advocating for her. How is you not being there going to make him listen to her? It is not you that is stopping him from having a relationship with his daughter. She needs you there to protect her from him. Please continue to listen to what she wants.

I really don't think if we heard his side of the story it would change the way people are viewing him here. I strongly suspect that you have probably portrayed him in a better light than he deserves. From outside the relationship it is clear how unhealthy your relationship is.

but I can also see that it doesn't give him much to work with to rebuild their relationship

There is a lot for him to do - you say upthread that she feels "un-liked" and "unlistened to." So he could listen to her. He could use his people skills [ha!] to draw her out.

And you are not "in the way." Never.

He sounds reasonable to you, because he has succeeded in limiting and framing your world by his logic. He's boxed you in.

What does caring for her consist of?

About a year ago she had a complete emotional, physical and mental shutdown. She was non responsive, not eating, not engaging in the world. This happened pretty suddenly and I am still unpacking the what and why.
She has not engaged in professional help or support despite several attempts to put this in place.
My approach to her was to continually offer - offer food, offer my time, send her messages on her phone, suggest nice things to do together, engage outside support and ensure she knew it was there.
It took a long time but she started responding to me but not to dad.
Before all of this they kind of got on but she found him annoying and hard to deal with but nothing more than this.
She is currently at the point where she will spend long periods in her room disengaged in the world, still finds food really really hard going, she attends health school 2 sessions a week with my support and will come out in the lounge with me and engage in crafts or watch a show and will go places with me knowing that I will bail when she needs to bail.
She will not eat or come out of her room if it is just dad here and she has really shut him out as she did with us both in the beginning.
I have had several talks to her and asked if anything has happened and she has said that dealing with dad is part of it but not all of it. She has said no to sexual abuse and I believe her.

What we do know
Contributing factors were that I picked up a contract (work) that meant I was no longer doing school drop offs. She had been struggling with school attendance and anxiety for a long time and this was like the final straw for her.
Dad is hard for her to deal with, she feels unlistened to and at times disliked by him.
She has some kind of block on food (not anorexia) and eating is incredibly hard for her but with lots and lots of support she is getting there.
She has some kind of block on bathing and hygiene which I haven't yet fully figured out and I am continuing to try to move forward with support in this area.
She has autism and this, for her, includes situational mutism, ARFID (the eating disorder which she has always had a form of but it is in hyperdrive), sensory processing difficulties, social anxiety, black and white thinking.

By the way when she did the shut down, I resigned from the job. I have only just started to pick up work outside the house again this term

THIS.

I honestly don't think he is being a complete arse in this. I can see his side.

He is

He was in a marriage that didn't meet his needs

So were you

He could have left but chose to stay

He HAS left- he’s just gaslit you into believing he hasn’t. He is sleeping with other women- he is looking for emotional connections- and he hasn’t stopped even though it’s killed your feelings and desire for him. The only way he hasn’t left you, are in the ways that benefit him, so he doesn’t lose cash and a live in housemaid/full time childcare

He could have cheated but chose not to

Umm….you mean he could have cheated and not told you? He’s worn you down to believe him shagging other women will be good for your marriage…. he’s not better than a cheat…you’re just such a pushover that he’s got more balls with it than the average cheater

He tried suppressing his needs but became resentful

You tried lots with him, and he never suggested a doctor or marriage counselling, he suggested a sex therapist- he cares only about one thing.

I tried to bridge the gap of needs - he didn't ask me too, he just said the gaps were there and I took responsibility for trying to fix this

Yes- doesn’t sound like he’s done anything to meet your needs though. He needs to grow the f up and look after his wife and daughter who has needs. Twat

Now he is trying to get his needs met elsewhere, he has purposely sought not to get another girlfriend because he wanted to try and explore his sexuality while respecting that I didn't want to be polyamorous

What the actual….are you serious! He is polyamorous, you just won’t put out. Does he really respect that. I don’t think so- but he will choose polyamory over you at this stage. HE just hasn’t found a girlfriend yet, or maybe he has, he doesn’t tell you everything does he? He sees prostitutes and other women, what’s the difference? He’s said he wants to look for an emotional connection, trust me, he’s looking for a girlfriend.

I have made my own mistakes and had poor communication through this as well.
I do find the line between taking ownership of my own behaviours and contributions and what is fair and reasonable responses hard to navigate. I am trying my best to see things from both sides and do the best I can with it

Just leave, that’s how you navigate it

We had a good talk this morning that seemed to be going well until he suggested that I leave the house regularly overnight so that he can have an opportunity to 'parent'.

I’d be suspicious of this dude wanting you to leave the house overnight, for various reasons.

I honestly get that this is really hard for him that our daughter has shut him out and that she has become so reliant on me. I get that maybe it looks like I am purposely preventing him from having an opportunity to 'parent' her. Since she has been sick, she has shut him out and turned to me but I don't think that me going away for a couple of days regularly will suddenly make her go 'oh I feel okay about dad meeting my needs because I don't have any choice'....I try really hard to ensure that I acknowledge his contributions and efforts for her to both of them (oh that was nice of Dad to do x, y, z.....that might be nice to let Dad know you appreciated that, that was a nice thing to say/do for her). He has said again that we can either work this out here in this situation or break up and she will have to spend half of her time in his care. I know that she won't want this and I know that he will (understandably) see this as me blocking her rights. Argh...it is so hard to see where I am being unreasonable and where he is....his side/view of things seems so clear and reasonable when he explains it

She doesn’t like him, it seems she has discernment and you are actually emotionally damaging her by staying in a relationship with this man. She is 15, she’s not deaf either, it’s highly likely she knows exactly what he’s up to and hates him as much as the rest of us on this thread do, I feel deeply sorry for the hand she’s been dealt.

@thislittleworldofmine Your views regarding the potential for future freedom within your relationship does not necessarily constitute retaliation, provided that your intentions are transparent and your approach is considerate of your husband's feelings. However, the timing and context of your request are significant elements that can influence its reception and interpretation.

Have you read the thread? I think the time for consideration for this lunatics feelings have well and truly moved past the deadline.

ill admit im catching up on a few threads although it does not help if all the relevant information is not in the original op to begin with

And I repeat what @MrsTerryPratchett says upthread:

Wanting sex is not a need.

Sex is not a NEED

It is (almost) essential for procreation, but otherwise it's not a need. It's a want.

Oh FFS! Have you explicitly said the relationship is over or has it been by stealth? You agree to an open relationship, then you decide that you no longer want to have sex with him and now you are open to sexual relations with other people. I don’t think you have been retaliatory but you have moved the goalposts several times because you don’t have the balls to end the relationship.

OP this has to be the saddest thread I've read here, no wonder you've low libido, you're working your roe out with your DD who needs so much care and working a job and have a sulking husband.

Here's a hypothetical question, if you decided you couldn't cope with your DHs infidelity, lets call it for what it actally is, not polyamory but adultery, and asked him to stop the outside of the marriage sex and if he did you would consider having sex with him again, do you think he would?

I ask because if that is a no he wouldn't stop, then the PPs here are right all along and he has coerced you into a terrible relationship that, whether you realise it or not, really doesn't work for you. Hence your further withdrawal physically and emotionally from your relationship. Often our bodies tell us more than our minds allows themselves to think because it's the path of least resistance is easier on the mind but the body knows what it wants.

He is a sexual predator, and you are so incredibly naive regarding his character, that you may not realise he is a potential danger to your daughter.

I'm just going to say what everybody is thinking.
I would not automatically believe there has been no sexual abuse just because DD said so. It's extremely common for kids not to want to admit it.
This man is a disgusting pervert who uses vulnerable, trafficked women for his sick "needs" so it's within his character to commit sexual abuse.
It sounds like the daughter had a traumatic experience of some sort which caused the breakdown. I'd be highly suspicious, especially as she seems so afraid of him she won't come out of her room. I'd be even more suspicious that he asked to spend time alone with her overnight. That is weird no matter how you look at it. You have a talk with him about all this and what comes out of it is; "Can you leave overnight so I can be alone with her?" Great merciful heavens, what the hell else could that be about? If it was just about wanting time to bond, he wouldn't need you to be gone all night.
OP, I think you have your head deep in the sand about what kind of a man he is. As somebody else said, if you start the process now, by the time you are divorced DD will be 16 and she can refuse to see him.

I can see on paper it looks controlling but I am not sure I have fairly represented his side to it. If he had a voice here I think that would be fairer on him.

On the contrary, you have tried to coat his shit in chocolate but we're not swallowing it. I know it's hard because denial is the only thing keeping you going right now. And if that's what you need, hold onto it. But we can see it, he's abusive and nasty. However you position it.

Love to you and yours.

Exactly- hence why I bit the bullet with it also, it needs to be said as we’ve all been skirting around it long enough. I’m concerned for your daughters welfare OP, at the moment you are so caught up in this guy and his “feelings” and desires and wants and needs, which are deviant by the way, that you are failing to see some things that are under your nose and not protecting your daughter by leaving this man. Imagine not having to think about this guys penis every day? You must under no circumstances leave this man with your daughter alone. And she’s old enough for the courts to take her wants into consideration. She decides basically how much contact she wants with this man at the age she is now.

Yes, she's in denial, which IMO is irresponsible and reprehensible.
That poor girl. I'm actually getting chest pain thinking about what she's probably going through.

Oh and by the way, if he had a voice here he’d be absolutely shot to pieces and you know it.

you lack insight, massively. I hate to be so blunt, but you are verging on (if not already) becoming one of those mothers whose child will grow up and cut contact because you put the needs of your slimy husband ahead of hers. I don’t want to insult your parenting as you clearly love her- but despite that love and care- you are damaging her by staying with this man!

Have you tested the waters and asked her how she would feel if it was just you and her living in your own place, and she could see him whenever SHE wants to?

Read it properly, he’s the one who has done the slow drip of coercion, she’s gone off him now because the reality of his suggestions has been painful and he’s already shot her self esteem into a thousand pieces. She’s just been clinging on for dear life to a chaotic narcissist, and unless you’ve had that experience you likely won’t understand. She’s been torn and he’s tapped right into her massive guilt complex and submissiveness

This conversation must be had.

Maybe your daughter will feel safe enough then to open up why she dislikes her father so much.

You must get to the bottom of her problems, not his.

I have a feeling deep down you know the answers.