Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

you are staying because you don’t have the courage to do the honourable thing and get a divorce

You are right, I am so scared about his response to actually separating that I have dragged it out and that is really unfair.

OP, what about an approach where you agree to “close” the marriage again and then work through counselling on your issues? You seem to really love each other and seems to me that the whole thing is salvageable maybe?

You didn’t back him into the corner of sticking his dick into multiple other people. The person who posted their long diatribe shaming you is disgusting. Perhaps that’s the lot they would put up with in life, but you clearly became unattracted to him for a reason, his main focus has always been sex, and he failed to build a proper emotional bond with you, and has essentially left you while protecting his pension. Perhaps that poster would tolerate that vile behaviour from a man, but my bet is that the poster IS a man, perhaps one who is doing the same to his wife. Honestly I’d ignore them, you deserve a much happier future than what that pathetic disloyal and superficial individual has to offer you. He made his choice the first time he slept with another woman, and it’s ridiculous for him to think he can keep a hold of you while he lives like a single man.

OP, what about an approach where you agree to “close” the marriage again and then work through counselling on your issues? You seem to really love each other and seems to me that the whole thing is salvageable maybe?

This is a lovely idea. At the moment he has said he needs to explore his sexuality and is not ready to close the marriage and may never be ready to do that. I think I have done too much damage with how I have reacted to the realities of opening the marriage, I think I was naive about how it would be and I will forever regret that I didn't have more awareness going in as perhaps I could have prevented the hurt that has happened.

Well then he’s made his choice, his dick or his wife’s emotions. He has chosen to leave you. So leave him

We are really already living as just friends as I stopped having sex with him but it has been a bit tricky as while we are not in essence together, he is also not willing to view us as not together and he is not at all keen for me to leave. I think he really wants to hang on to what we once had but needs to explore sexually as well. This has left him really torn.

So, even If you told him that you are ready to work on your sex life he would still want an open marriage? An one sided one? Wow…that would require a lot of audacity in his side to ask for….

So, even If you told him that you are ready to work on your sex life he would still want an open marriage? An one sided one? Wow…that would require a lot of audacity in his side to ask for…

I was willing and I tried for a number of years to bridge the gap but I couldn't. I think it doesn't matter how much I could offer he would still need the variety and experience of other people. I don't need that so it would continue to be one-sided. He ideally would like to have a sexual relationship with me and also to have sexual relationships outside of the marriage as and when he needs to. I thought I could offer this and it would 'bridge the gap' but i discovered that I was more and more put off sex once he was sleeping with other people.....and maybe I didn't put the effort into working through this feeling.

He has said that I could 'reduce' the gap by stepping up more but I think we are both realistic that I can't close it as there are some things he would like to experience that I just don't want to have to do.

He did really want to bring back some of the stuff he was learning about to enhance us but for me the whole reason I was okay with him exploring was because they were things I didn't want to do. He feels I am being avoidant and not willing to give things a try, how would I know I don't like it if I won't try it....I ended up crossing a lot of my own boundaries and then upsetting him further because he got the vibe I was not that into it. I think maybe I just wasn't adventurous enough and didn't put enough effort into fixing my problems or into being open to trying enough things.

At any rate, I can see from what you have said that I contributed as much and maybe more to where we are. I need to give him his freedom - he just doesn't want it and I will end up hurting him even more.

Wow…and he asked all that while he wouldn’t give you the chance to do the same? You are not obliged to do anything you don’t feel like by the way. Sex is something that should be enjoyed by both sides.

In that case I don’t think you have contributed OP. You are the victim here.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and yes, setting him free may be the best thing to do for you both and your family.

I agree with the PP that you haven't contributed and you are the victim here. You're even asking yourself if you're narcissistic (a narcissist doesn't have the self reflection to ask themselves this). All I can see is you practically centring him and his needs and you reasoning and excusing his behaviour and blaming yourself. I saw something saying a common theme among narcissistic abuse victims is confusion. Honestly, it comes across like you're tying yourself in knots trying to make things right for him.

I do understand what you're trying to do with your DD, I'm sorry she is suffering so much - it seems crazy that in NZ, even at 15 she can't set her own schedule/boundaries with seeing her Dad. I absolutely think you should aim to get out of this situation ASAP and have some counselling to try and gain some clarity. I think a year down the line you'll have a really different view on the whole marriage and what has happened. Good luck with the family law appointment and I hope they have some good news for you.

Sweet lord in heaven woman! You haven’t done anything wrong here. Stop blaming yourself. He’s absolutely abhorrent and vile! You have been so utterly brainwashed by him it’s terrifying. It’s one of the worst cases of brainwashing I’ve ever encountered and I literally help domestic abusive survivors on a daily basis. You really need to seek expert counselling asap. It’s absolutely imperative that you do this. Do you know how you can tell that you’re not a narcissist? The fact that you’re questioning yourself, your actions and taking blame for things. Narcissistic people never take the blame, they never see themselves as ever being in the wrong, they never question if they might be wrong or have behaved badly. They might sometimes apologise or say they’re to blame in order to fool their victims but in their own minds, they are never wrong. You have been expertly gaslight by a malignant narcissistic, a solipsistic personality, who has utterly disintegrated your self worth, self esteem, ability to see things as they really are, your confidence, your libido, your boundaries, your marriage vows, your sexual safety and who knows what else. Please, please seek help immediately. Do NOT let this man be alone with your daughter, ever! He is a danger to you, your daughter and all women. He should be in jail.

but for me the whole reason I was okay with him exploring was because they were things I didn't want to do. He feels I am being avoidant and not willing to give things a try, how would I know I don't like it if I won't try it....I ended up crossing a lot of my own boundaries and then upsetting him further because he got the vibe I was not that into it.

You see, this - this is where I think he’s abusive, without a doubt.

H is a sexually deviant narc who both exploited and coerced his wife and now is happy to use prostituted women. So we know he’s happy enforcing his unsolicited sexual wants on females.

Teen DD actively says: “I don’t want my dad around me. Don’t leave me alone with him”.

Teen DD appears to have had some sort of trauma-related “freeze-response” breakdown last year which was so bad she became non-verbal and couldn’t attend to her basic needs of food or hygiene.

PP’s on this thread have tried to get OP to consider the glaringly obvious link here….

OP has declined to respond to this.

That poor teenage girl. I wish I could somehow ensure her safety, as OP sure as hell isn’t.

I'm sorry op but no one with these views should be left in charge of children.

Your ideas of fairness have completely gone out of the window, heaven knows how depraved this husband of yours is, it's dangerous to have such views with such a deviant man.

He shouldn't be living with any woman, let alone a dependant child.

You need to toughen up, protect your daughter and take her out of this enviroment of his sexual needs being the first and foremost of importance in the family dynamic.

He is not normal and your attempts to excuse him is sickening to those of us who are parents.
Do what you want if you are single but you have a daughter to protect, forget his sexual needs and concentrate on your daughter's needs.

OP, just went through all your postings and read about your daughter. I am sorry that you and your husband go through this. I think that it would add huge strain to amy relationship or marriage.

I now understand why you don’t have sex drive. How could you? With so much stress in your lives. I am actually surprised he manages to have such a high sex drive but I guess this may be the way he can deal with things and get a dopamine rush before he falls into madness.

It’s a huge strain especially for you who seems to be the person that carries most of the weight.

Sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure If any couple would be able to withstand this strain.

It’s highly possible / probable that her daughters’ psychological distress / mutism / food restriction / desire not to be around her dad may have a teeeeensy bit to do with the fact OP’s husband is a known sex-pest who has dubious sexual proclivities and enforces these on his unwilling wife and on trafficked prostituted women.

So I don’t feel particularly sorry for “them both”. And actually less and less sorry for OP, who seems wilfully blind, and obsessed with her own relationship dynamics rather than opening her eyes to what many of us are saying.

I agree.OP is blind to the obvious that her husband is manipulative and sexually coercive and absolutely disgusting. If only the compassion she had for him was aimed towards her daughter; she’d be getting her away from him and having a fresh start in a new home.

You really would turn a blind eye to anything this man did wouldn’t you OP? That’s why I don’t feel like you’re in a fit position to judge whether he has or has not sexually abused your daughter.

Interesting how OP has gone very silent since we asked her why she’s not considering her traumatised DD’s safety and her request not to be left alone with her pervert father.

Disgusted & leaving the thread as the whole thing turns my stomach.

You seem to have worked really hard to please him, pushing your own boundaries to do so in the process. What isn’t clear is what you actually want? What would make you happy? Is it to be in a monogamous relationship? Is it to be separated from him? It sounds like you’re more concerned about him and his needs than you are your own. What would your ideal outcome be if you put yourself first? Sometimes being ‘selfish’ can be a kindness ❤️

What on earth is this nonsense?!

@thislittleworldofmine please for the love of sanity, stop being a doormat for this hideous man. Speak to a divorce lawyer.

Why are you scared about having the conversation? Is he so deluded that he doesn’t understand that the vast majority of people do not want to share their partner, and that his total focus on sex has broken down the emotional intimacy between you drip by drip over the years. You are no longer his wife anymore- no longer him intimate partner and best friend- you are his enabler. There are certain losses that occur when a relationship breaks down and one individual moves on to other people. His sole focus seems to be to avoid those losses, even if the collateral damage is distress of you and your daughter. The problem is you see him totally differently to who he is. He is not the sensitive little bunny who must be protected that you paint him as. He is literally hunting down sex with others in his free time and he wouldn’t stop doing that even if it means the end of your marriage, don’t you see that? That’s likely because he has found someone he emotionally connects with, but you won’t hear about that will you? So it’s easy- he either knocks it all on the head, or the marriage is over. I personally wouldn’t give him another second of my time, but you don’t want to be the “bad guy” here, so give him the ultimatum, he will make his choice- which won’t be you- and then you don’t have to feel like the bad guy. You want out, so leave

OP, get your daughter out because there is a risk of her having been sexually abused by your husband. I know you will tell yourself and anyone who reads this thread 100 reasons why that can’t be so, so consider it just a risk, that however needs to be taken seriously even if you think it’s 99% not the case, but there are signs in what you wrote about your daughter’s breakdown and her behavior towards him, so there’s at least 1% chance that it’s true.

Things such as his retirement finances pale in comparison, hopefully that is clear to you, even if a lot of other things are unclear right now.

I don’t know about that. I am not in OPs home and these are very serious accusations to make without any proof.
I see a couple under huge strain and I offer my sympathies and support. That’s all I can say.