Neurodivergent partner doing my head in this week

[CosmoQ]

He is high functioning and does have a tendency to lecture every so often. His dad has given him a bollocking for it in the past.

Anyway we spent 10 days together, the longest amount of time ever so far, and he was disagreeable about 30% of the time.

Examples:

• we were talking about a Robert De Niro film and I said 'yeah I like him but prefer Al Pacino'. Him: what's the point in preferring him, why can't you just appreciate each actor separately?
• me: well most male birds are more colourful than female birds for mating reasons. Him: hmm I don't think you can say that for sure without the stats
• why are you having sugar in your coffee?

Last night I finally said I'd had enough of being disagreed with all the time as it made me feel undermined. He said he'd take it on board as he doesn't want to upset me but this morning was at it again!

We've had such a lovely relationship so far and I don't understand why he has to oppose me all the time.

How long have you been together?

Because he is who is, high functioning autism?
He probably sees things more factually, you need quite a lot of self awareness to see outside your comfort zone.
i have an estranged high functioning Asperger’s son ( not just me, most of the family), he’s 33 and free to do as he wishes, tho it upsets me, his choice.
There lies the question

@ThatTealViewer just over a year

@Nsky62 yeah,the thing is he never used to disagree to this extent. He was pedantic sometimes but this is making me question the relationship.

When I first broached the topic yesterday, I explained that his need to be factually right isn't always conducive to what is needed in a relationship to get along.

I worry he doesn't really get it.

Seriously OP, maybe he gets it and you don't.

It's being factually right, ok

Sorry but I don't think he is being disagreeable, he is just clarifying or even simplifying things you've mentioned....

From my pov you are reading into what he days rather than taking it at face value for what it is.

Perhaps you aren't compatible long term?

@Backtoschoolbaby expressing a preference and having it accepted is surely totally normal?

In that scenario, I might have expected him to ask 'oh why is that?', not essentially telling me how stupid it is to have a preference.

I used to write movie reviews for a living and it's still a passion. I felt dismissed.

It’s up to you if you prefer comfortable agreement rather than debate and you are always entitled to end a relationship for any reason. But I guess he prefers the latter and it’s not wrong. As I understand it, he’s not calling you stupid or getting angry so why not have a conversation?

I wouldn't feel dismissed if someone said that to me I would converse eg because they are seen as same genre or something?
Conversation starters?

I don’t think this is about being right or wrong, tbh. You just communicate differently. Whether or not that’s a dealbreaker is obviously entirely up to you. I’d find this sort of behaviour exceedingly irritating, personally.

@AncientAndModern1 I agree although I can see your point op if you simply want to say so without being constantly challenged?

This is how my son speaks, he analyses everything I say. He’s not autistic though. I have a feeling that I do this too!!

@AncientAndModern1 I think the core issue was in the last two weeks he disagreed with so much is what I said. Small, petty things.

It doesn't make me feel respected to be invalidated constantly.

To be fair he has a point, can't have a debate with the correct facts. 😅

@Backtoschoolbaby you have it exactly.

I don't want to be challenged all the time. No sooner have I expressed an opinion, he's jumping on it.

He wasn't doing this before so it has upset me.

Yes so what he is doing saying maybe true but sometimes you want to just express an opinion without Mr clever challenging you.

I'd tell him this and see what happens

Mine has to fact check all the time too, but himself as well as me. It is annoying but after a decade I understand he needs to do it.

If you think this relationship might have a future, OP, it might be worth reading up on Theory of Mind. It's one of the areas in which ASD is different, and can mean that an autistic person is limited in understanding that someone can think /believe / prefer different things to them. So it's questioned with a degree of disbelief when it comes up. Another way it can manifest is to assume ignorance in the other person, rather than recognising what they know, hence lecturing or disregarding assertions without proof (like your bird example).

If these patterns seem familiar, I'm sure you can find some strategies to respond to them in a way which supports your relationship.

It would totally piss me off too OP. I literally cannot beer to be corrected left right and centre. I would be telling him to develop some social awareness or take it elsewhere.

OP i would think very carefully before committing to a long term future together. Many women find the additional stress of kids and long term relationships really exacerbates the differences and difficulties they feel between themselves and their ND partner. Women in this situation can end up facilitating everyone else’s needs (particularly if they also have kids with additional needs) and finding it very hard/impossible to meet their own needs.

How long have you been going out?
“It doesn't make me feel respected to be invalidated constantly.“
If you don’t enjoy the style of communication, end it. He’s not going to change - this is him.

Hmmmm...assume you don't live together at the moment, 10 days is the longest?

Are you planning on eventually blending lives? Or having children?

This tendency won't get any better if you're not comfortable now.

Read the ongoing threads in Relationships by NT partners. This could be your future.

I probably have traits (I'd say I'm reasonably self-aware and keep my life very non-pressured) and know quite a few people where it's more pronounced.

It really isn't something you can change and could get worse very quickly (and if you say anything, it immediately turns to you being unreasonable or arguing with their "logic").

I've seen an older relative or older men at work follow women around repeating (one-sided) arguments at them about why they are "wrong" on something completely irrelevant.

Or "correcting" people on random things they have done when they themselves are hardly examples of good practice (and if you do the same they get incredibly upset).

I get it's part of the condition, but it gets very lonely and frustrating if you're on the receiving end, with no room for your own emotions.

If you can zone out or don't need to talk to your partner then that may be a solution.

I’m sympathising with your partner but I think it might be because I’m a bit like that. Some people are just wrong and need telling.

(with you on the birds though).

He has a social and communication disability, you being upset with how he communicates is like being upset about someone using a walking aide moving slowly.

You've spent alot of time together this time so it is far more likely than this is him, that previously in short bursts he was able to mask or cope with things better.

DD is autistic, there is right and there is wrong for her and very little grey in between. Everything needs to be backed up with facts and evidence which of course is exhausting. Nothing is ever taken in the spirit of the meaning but rules have to be followed. That is why it is a disability and why it can make forming and maintaining friendships and romantic relationships in particular difficult