Neurodivergent partner doing my head in this week

[CosmoQ]

He is high functioning and does have a tendency to lecture every so often. His dad has given him a bollocking for it in the past.

Anyway we spent 10 days together, the longest amount of time ever so far, and he was disagreeable about 30% of the time.

Examples:

• we were talking about a Robert De Niro film and I said 'yeah I like him but prefer Al Pacino'. Him: what's the point in preferring him, why can't you just appreciate each actor separately?
• me: well most male birds are more colourful than female birds for mating reasons. Him: hmm I don't think you can say that for sure without the stats
• why are you having sugar in your coffee?

Last night I finally said I'd had enough of being disagreed with all the time as it made me feel undermined. He said he'd take it on board as he doesn't want to upset me but this morning was at it again!

We've had such a lovely relationship so far and I don't understand why he has to oppose me all the time.

Now I think about it @Pantaloons99 the two conversations we had in the examples above were in bed when I was already tired. He seems to have a boundless ability to debate topics but I don't always, although I enjoy it sometimes.

It can get tiring.

Yes I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I was just expected to agree with someone all the time or wasn't supposed to show interest in why they thought the opinions they do. For me that's part of being close to someone.

I wish I could remember how it goes but I've seen a few tiktok type videos where it's from the perspective that ND is the norm and NT are the "odd" ones and they talk about NT as autistic people are spoken about. Kind of flip it. I wish I could "do" that myself or remember this skits as they're brilliant.

He's also on a break from work until October and might not be connected at all, but maybe when he has something to pour his mental energies into again he will be doing this less.

Just break up, sounds exhausting. If you stay together, this will be your whole life!

My dh is like this and I often feel very lonely as he can’t banter and have general chit chat. It’s all the little things that add up and he makes me feel inferior or wrong about things.

The thing is, from the OP's perspective it doesn't matter whether he can or won't change. The end result is the same.
OP doesn't like him doing X. He's still doing X.
OP can't do anything but decide whether to put up with it or not.

I have a friend like this. Can only see her in short doses and infrequently. She's incredibly kind and fun etc but this argumentative, must have the facts, must be right all the time, must know the science behind everything makes spending more than a few hours with her extremely tedious.

Obviously I realize it is a disability - I think he has been masking somewhat because we went on holiday for a week before and he was nothing like this.

During the 10 days together I was staying with him and he cooked lots of nice meals and tried to pre-empt my every practical need bringing me teas and homemade snacks while I worked from home. We had nice meals out and had a day trip by the coast.

These are all lovely moments and I do love him. What I can't cope with is not feeling heard/feeling minimised.

OP doesn't like him doing X. He's still doing X.
OP can't do anything but decide whether to put up with it or not

and equally

he doesn’t like OP doing X. OP is still doing X. He can’t do anything other than decide whether to put up with it or not.

this goes BOTH ways.

To be honest, I understand this is upsetting to be challenged often and with 'small' (to you) things too. However, if this upsets you and you've only spent this much time with each other, I seriously doubt you'll be able to deal with more when you do see them. I'd be questioning your compatibility and ultimately the relationship.

You can’t have a conversation with somebody who is just disagreeing with you. You don’t build bonds by telling people they’re wrong all the time. Whether he can help it or not is immaterial. You cannot have a relationship with somebody who isn’t interested in finding common ground because their primary motivation is to be right.

Right, look for ADHDlove on YouTube / tictok. If you want the relationship to continue they are an ADHD/autistic couple with autistic teen/adult son. They make ALOT of content on how to make relationships work, how yo successfully put in boundaries and what events are like from the other persons POV.

For example when DD wants to info dump her new obsession on me, she has a time limit we agreed upon, sets her alarm on her phone and gets it out her system.

Just because someone is neurodiverse doesn't mean they are saints and cannot be annoying and irritating like a neurotypical person.

OP until you went on holiday together, you were both in the getting to know you stage where everyone is on their best behaviour and not living together this can be kept up for a long time.

Now you have been with each other all the time on holiday, he is showing you his authentic self. Other's may think it okay and it's part of how his mind works, to constantly critique your opinions, feelings and actions, but you have a justifiable reaction to him repeatedly doing so.

If you couldn't cope with it during the holiday, what makes you think you can build a life together?

So, OP you can end things and find someone more compatible. Just because he is neurodivergent doesn't mean you have to stay with him and adjust your legitimate feelings as some of the replies here seem to indicate.

You have free will!

One of my friends is autistic and he comes across as belligerent because he contradicts you all the time, he can be exhausting as you find yourself having to justify everything you say. It's difficult to have a conversation.

Is it a form of control?
I like things to be clear cut in life, not everything can be, I have to accept that, I have synthesia , which means I see names, letters and numbers as colours, always have done, it’s hard to think others don’t.
There are autistic like tendencies in lots of people, some seek order to an extreme level, and defined ways………my ex husband was high functioning Asperger’s, it seemed.
Such things as not feeling the cold, not needing affection, he could mask some behaviours for a time.
Or maybe you boyfriend seeks to be right?

Anyway we spent 10 days together, the longest amount of time ever so far, and he was disagreeable about 30% of the time.

This is when you slam on the brakes. That isn't even nearly acceptable. That's just insufferable.

We've had such a lovely relationship so far and I don't understand why he has to oppose me all the time.

You don't have to be with this man. You are allowed to dump him even if he has autism. You can dump him for any reason whatsoever. Do you really think this shit is going to get any better? It won't. Life is short, op.

People need telling they’re wrong for preferring Al Pacino to Robert De Niro?

Sounds like my male friend who is also high functioning.

He's right about everything, apparently. He can come across as quite judgmental and controlling. I pushed back and told him what it felt like and he tries really hard to keep it under control. I just give him the look now and he stops. It can take a lot of effort, but he's worth it as he's simply amazing. I don't think I could tolerate it in a partner though, too exhausting.

I assume you're young and independent and healthy and childfree now?

So it's just about films and coffee.

What happens if things go seriously wrong (and they do) and he's arguing with you about whether or not you should call an ambulance?

or he doesn't think your headache/vision loss is real, you just need to drink more water?

I hung out with someone who was ND in my early 20's. Affluent background, professional job, prestigious education.

I had some great memories spending time with her, and a sweet intelligent person in some ways.

I ALSO have a permanent scar from when I needed to go see a doctor/A and E and she decided it was time to create an argument over whether it was necessary or not

She minimised it/didn't think it was that serious/claimed I was overreacting as it wasn't affecting her/me having a serious infected cut had interfered with me being "available" for her rigid schedule.

Of course it was 100% my responsibility to have overridden her, and I don't blame her. But this is something else you may have to deal with.

I'm curious - does he do this to other men, or only women?

Seriously he gets what? A prize for being a condescending twat?

That's a very good question, I haven't noticed him do it with men.

Listen to your gut OP.
This is why breaks away and holidays are invaluable.
You realise he is exhausting and you are not compatible.
Ignore this and motor on and you will regret it.
Neither of you are wrong, you are just not aligned enough.
It does sound exhausting to be challenged excessively.

If he doesn't do it to men, then its likely he is a twat.
Dump.

I don't feel I have enough to go on but I've seen him doing it to another man before.

His dad complains about it sometimes as well.

Apologies misread a post and thought it was the OP's.