Neurodivergent partner doing my head in this week

[CosmoQ]

He is high functioning and does have a tendency to lecture every so often. His dad has given him a bollocking for it in the past.

Anyway we spent 10 days together, the longest amount of time ever so far, and he was disagreeable about 30% of the time.

Examples:

• we were talking about a Robert De Niro film and I said 'yeah I like him but prefer Al Pacino'. Him: what's the point in preferring him, why can't you just appreciate each actor separately?
• me: well most male birds are more colourful than female birds for mating reasons. Him: hmm I don't think you can say that for sure without the stats
• why are you having sugar in your coffee?

Last night I finally said I'd had enough of being disagreed with all the time as it made me feel undermined. He said he'd take it on board as he doesn't want to upset me but this morning was at it again!

We've had such a lovely relationship so far and I don't understand why he has to oppose me all the time.

@CosmoQ If you feel invalidated that’s a you issue-

someone disagreeing with you doesn’t invalidate your opinion, it just means they don’t share it.

You clearly prefer discourse that relies on platitudes and finding common ground in everything- (one of my good friends is like this- she can’t get on with my wife because DW is like your bloke- she is interested in accuracy and analysis).

If you don’t like him/how he is then finish it, you don’t have to be in a relationship that isn’t working for you.

It’s not a man thing. I haven’t known any man that does this

There's nothing more aggravating than 'more rational than thou' people!

Hmm now I'd say that him asking questions (30% of the time..) IS him showing interest. It really is different communication styles

Well yeah but he hasn't got any complaints about the OP on this thread. It's about her, not him. What's the point of stating this?

Really?!

You’re expecting him to change into a different person. Maybe you aren’t the one for him. Or anyone who is neurodivergent.

@CosmoQ I know exactly what you mean. I have an ND husband that I am absolutely adore …..but at times the behaviour you describe drives me to despair. Communication with him can feel like going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. Recently we were trying to decide on school applications and honestly after a two hour interrogation where he outsourced his thinking to me by asking question after question when I just gave some cursory opinions on things I had just started thinking about I genuinely thought it was time to end our marriage. In fairness to my DH he now accepts our communication differences are something I find difficult to deal with and he has come across enough feedback from his family and friends to know I am not alone in finding his own communication style challenging and he is really trying to do his best to work at it. This however was after 20 years of him trying to blame me when these types communications were fraught and obviously while I’m not completely without sin, he took zero responsibility for the problem. I have ND kids too so I can be getting it from them sometimes but because they actually have grown up as ND and they have far more self awareness than DH.

@HeyPrestoAlakazam maybe I'm not the one for him? Well maybe not. But his previous ex broke up with him partly because he was 'difficult to live with' and she was also neurodivergent.

I don't know if I agree he shouldn't make any adjustment at all. If it means being a bit more thoughtful in his interactions sometimes, is that really too much to ask?

He asked a question. ND ask questions to get more information. NT people use them as a passive aggressive attack, which is why you've read it as the latter.

The pedantry and questioning drives me bonkers also. Luckily DH has other redeeming qualities!

@CucumberBagel I don't disagree with this. I've been surrounded by mostly NT people growing up who did this.

I would need to change or adjust my mindset to be less reactive if continuing. It sometimes make me feel like something under the microscope for analysis.

I have a friend like this but I don't have to spend time with her if I don't want to. She is getting worse too so I can sympathise. Sorry to say but they won't change so you have to put up with it, or dump them. Do they have any other good qualities?

@OoLaaLaa many good qualities!

He is thoughtful and sweet most of the time.

Last week was very stressful at work and he was off work, so he took on most chores and cooking without complaint. It was a big load off my mind.

He is adventurous (travel, eating out etc)

In the bedroom is pretty good too 😳

OP I can be a little bit like this (also have ASD) and I think you're right that it fluctuates because he's not as preoccupied elsewhere, eg with work.

I don't know if your husband is the same, but for me if I'm in that 'mode' I get caught up in it and don't realise until afterwards, in a 'oh shit I've done it again' kind of way, especially because I don't pick up the cues that the other person isn't wanting that sort of conversation. And because I find it hard to understand why other people find that type of conversation draining! However if they tell me directly (eg 'I'm just venting not discussing') then I can realise at the time and back off. Is it possible to have a conversation with your husband about whether he can do the same?

@Catsmere

gets what?

I've been with my ND partner for 30 years.

Lectures, special interests, stimming, other people including me simply being wrong, meltdowns etc have been part of our lives.

As have creativity, articulacy, great conversations, pretty much perfectly aligned shared interests and activities, art, drama, writing and friends.

'High functioning' can be a euphemism for 'high masking'.

You've just spent 10 days together, the longest time. For him, keeping up the social masking and portraying the 'high functioning' character everyone else sees is utterly exhausting. He's relaxed it. He feels safe to, with you. And now you're seeing the real him.

He has a brain-difference disability. Just as a person who is blind or has a stoma bag has a disability.

His happens to be a genetic difficulty around communication and appreciating other people have a different word view and opinion and that this isn't necessarily wrong - but it upsets him, so he feels a need to put the wrong thing right.

This is a complete package, along with the stuff (I assume?) you like, love, respect, fancy, etc.

Question is, could you do 30+ years of it?

He will age, he will perhaps mellow and learn.

But he won't get any less neurodiverse.

And if you do have children ... be prepared to be 'wrong' about your pregnancy, labour, feeding, upbringing etc etc etc choices.

If you're to continue together, you're going to need to educate yourself about the reality of living with a ND man. Because as the presumably NT person, changing, adapting your world view etc is going to come more readily to you than to him.

Can you do that?

I can be like this too but I have learned not to do this with friends, colleagues etc but sometimes it slips out or I get frustrated and it slips out. It can be a useful skill though when you are talking through problems or serious topics if done sensitively. I think your examples make him sound annoying but if you were having a conversation and it was only the 1 bit he asked/disagreed with it probably isn't that bad.
I think it is also to do with mental energy. He is coming in with more mental energy so is analysing the content of the conversation but you have less energy so don't want to explain. The one explaining uses more energy than the one asking which is going to feel frustrating and tiring for you. My dh does it sometimes and I just say does it really matter? I'm just commenting, I'm not about to go and do a literature review and he will stop. But on the other hand, sometimes I feel like he is not listening so it is also nice that he is really paying attention to you.
In summary, I don't think it is black and whiteand you can find ways to call him out and also appreciate this communication style.
My only other thought was, is he mansplaining and being condescending or is this how his mind works?

The examples you give (apart from the sugar one) don't seem like that big a deal to me, but I do completely understand that it becomes unbearable when someone feels the need to question/correct/debate everything you say, particularly when it's something that's really just a passing, non-important observation.

I don't know if your partner is active on Twitter, but if he is and he regularly interacts with people, then my guess is that countless women have blocked him for being what's known as a 'Reply Guy' - replying to 'correct' or argue with things that are jokes, flippant observations, lighthearted comments etc, or replying with random bits of information that you actually already know because you're not an idiot but they assume they are cleverer than you. No filter, no ability to just scroll past, etc. Those people drive me mad on Twitter, and the thought of having to deal with it in real life is actually making me feel irritated just thinking about it.

I have a friend who, while she doesn't exactly do what your partner does, while frequently latch on to the one non-important thing in a conversation or message and ignore what the message is actually about, which is also infuriating. Does your partner also do that? If someone said 'I witnessed the murder of 15 people by an axe-wielding maniac on my way to Tesco this morrning' she would say 'How come you were going to Tesco? Aren't you working today?' or 'Don't you normally shop in Asda?'

Ironically I have AuADHD and I had a boyfriend who would do the same thing on practically everything I said . Sometimes I like to just make a remark without citing references/ statistics/ authority figures. I felt for you with the De Niro/ Pacino remark- he would be like that and go on and on about 'respected commentators' felt De Niro was superior and how could I even think this etc etc

Now I'm much more 'Yeah well that's YOUR opinion ,man'. (Although he is wrong about the birds and I would have argued that until the sun came up 😏)

It's funny about the comparison one- I said the exact same thing last night. Yer man on below deck said the new stew is better than Ellie and Bri and I was like why not just like her on her own merit? Is it necessary to compare? I think he's not wrong there. My dh also has a way of making statements instead of opinions- like the bird one. And it drives me mad. I have to check every so often do you know that or are you asusming/guessing. So I guess it's all relative.

This will erode your love for him over time. There are longrunning threads on relationships with ASD partners on the Relationship boards. If things are grating on you this early accept that you would probably be better off with a different partner. Many of us stayed and have regrets of varying strengths.

I immediately recognised the dynamic you are describing and my whole energy dropped. It is exhausting trying to explain it to people who don't understand. Just walk away

• we were talking about a Robert De Niro film and I said 'yeah I like him but prefer Al Pacino'. Him: what's the point in preferring him, why can't you just appreciate each actor separately?
• me: well most male birds are more colourful than female birds for mating reasons. Him: hmm I don't think you can say that for sure without the stats
• why are you having sugar in your coffee?

Last night I finally said I'd had enough of being disagreed with all the time as it made me feel undermined.

He wasn't disagreeing with you in any of those examples though, was he? His Al Pacino comment was a question to you inviting an answer?

Birds - I don't see that as a disagreement as such, it's not a "flat out" rebuttal, to me it's expressing an interest in further detail. I could see though how it could make you feel a bit dismissed as ill informed, maybe?

Second one is a question, not a disagreement? Why do you - is it habit, or do you genuinely prefer the taste, do you maybe not have it in tea, so it's interesting to him.

That's how I see it.

I won't say what side of the fence I fall on, the best advice I could give though (unless this sparked the first example!) is never ever watch Godfather 2 together.

Or Heat, although Godfather 2 is peak "who is better" AP v RdN scenario due to the editing. I think, anyway. Now I really want to discuss this further, I may start another thread.

Seriously though OP, if you're not compatible, you're not compatible. Expecting people to change to maintain a relationship is unreasonable. Expecting compromise on both sides could be reasonable. No one here can judge based on your OP. What do RL friends and family think?

@BasicLifeSkillsNotBabying the points you mention about the birds and the coffee, I can see what you mean.

With Al Pacino' it wasn't a question. The attitude was very much to jump in and say it's silly to have a preference 'because you will miss out on good movies.' He said even if you dont like an actor you can probably find something like. I barely finished my sentence.

What I hear is: you're not allowed to have a preference and your opinion doesn't matter. If he HAD asked it as a question he might have learned something about me and why I like/dislike things.

As I mentioned I used to be a movie reviewer so it's a big passion of mine.