Neurodivergent partner doing my head in this week

[CosmoQ]

He is high functioning and does have a tendency to lecture every so often. His dad has given him a bollocking for it in the past.

Anyway we spent 10 days together, the longest amount of time ever so far, and he was disagreeable about 30% of the time.

Examples:

• we were talking about a Robert De Niro film and I said 'yeah I like him but prefer Al Pacino'. Him: what's the point in preferring him, why can't you just appreciate each actor separately?
• me: well most male birds are more colourful than female birds for mating reasons. Him: hmm I don't think you can say that for sure without the stats
• why are you having sugar in your coffee?

Last night I finally said I'd had enough of being disagreed with all the time as it made me feel undermined. He said he'd take it on board as he doesn't want to upset me but this morning was at it again!

We've had such a lovely relationship so far and I don't understand why he has to oppose me all the time.

Typical aibu contrarians playing devils advocate but most people would find this annoying in real life. Saying “ male birds are more colourful than females for mating reasons” is not exactly a controversial opinion that needs challenging, nor is putting sugar in coffee or liking an actor (though de Niro is actually better). Possibly he’s been masking this far and is getting comfortable to be more himself with you now, plus spending long periods in each others company will highlight annoying traits. You need to consider whether this is a deal breaker as you’ll only notice it more from now on and he’s not going to be able to change.

You can end the relationship if you want. You dont need to sign up to this for life.

What single says. This is him. You wouldn't get cross with someone with mobility issues for not waking. This is autism. There's no point being cross they have autism and ask them to deal with it.

A lot gets said about autistic peole adapting, but actually the NT partner needs to learn social communication skills to communicate with them and will need to adapt too. The onus is on the person without the disability.

Its up to you whether you want to learn these skills or if this is a relationship for you or not. But being frustrated he wants facts/clear communication will get you nowhere.

There are no medals for women who date men they find irritating. Just end it.

Why are people so ok with him challenging you over having sugar in your coffee? That's not ok in my book and is a bit of a red flag.

One of my best friend has a relatively new bf, he is also autistic and is very like this and I find him very hard to be around because of it. He challenges almost everything anyone says and tells them they're wrong, the problem is that most of the time HE is the one who's wrong and unless you want to start a full blown argument with him you just sort of have to nod and move on. I asked my friend once how she copes with that on a day to day basis and she just shrugged and said she doesn't mind letting him think he's right all the time. Not something I could put up with.

This OP.
Doesn't matter whether he's autistic or just being a dick. You don't have to put up with it.
I have an autistic husband and he doesn't do this or I'd have dumped his ass.

Have you been out with your friends and family yet? How does that go?

I'd find a man like that a pain in the arse - and I don't think things are going to improve. I'd think seriously about ending it, OP. It's not going to do your mental health any good to be treated this way.

Understanding what ND is and that the person can't help being who they are, doesn't mean that you have to put up with it in a relationship if it makes you unhappy.

My career long role was in autism. I loved the job. But I wouldn't want to take it home.

I have two male friends (undiagnosed) who are clearly ND. I'm very fond of them both, and one of them is my best friend. But there's no question of them being more than friends. I need a partner who's an equal in life and in tune with me.

What would you like us to tell you? He is neuro-wrong and you are neuro-right?

humans who insist on governing their and others’ lives in a series of nonsensical and unwritten rules make the lives of some autistic people unspeakably difficult. We need people who get that there are two different human species living in the same place and we just have to show each other tolerance and respect the others’ seemingly weird and illogical views.

Please tell me why being autistic means you get to challenge someone on everything they're doing/saying with no regard for them whatsoever? You do realise autistic people can do things wrong too right? And that they can also be challenged on their behaviour if it's negatively affecting someone else?

It's OP 's boyfriend who's trying to govern her life by challenging her on everything she says. And he's not showing her tolerance.

They're clearly not suited, and that's okay.

I thought this was just a man thing truth be told.

Always gotta be right, always gotta correct you, always gotta put their twopennyworth in - even when nae fucka asks for it!

I'm like 'when I want your opinion I will ASK for it!'

Understanding what ND is and that the person can't help being who they are

Fucking hell - you “worked in autism” yet you write ableist shit like this??

we can help who we are just like you can’t either. We act entirely normally it’s just that some allistic people cannot deal with any human who does not conform to a series of artificial and illogical societal rules.

No wonder the world is such a horrible place for us.

@Dramatic Because autism is a social communication disability and when unmasking as in in a relationship they are likely to value clear communication and may want to discuss and challenge (every autistic person is different). OPs partner may ekek be getting to know OP so want to know "why" a lot (like sugar in coffee). It may be once they know they are happy. But for honest communication they want facts and people to justify opinions.

This is them being them. OP is well within their rights to say it doesn't suit her or not want to do this work to engage.

Going out with someone with limited mobility (like myself) takes some adapting. No point saying I have to just stop being difficult or just walk to X or manage Y as I can't. That's what disabilities are like...

@Dramatic because that is what autism is. It is a social and communication disability.
OP did address it with him, he said he would try and remember not to do it and he forgot.

OP has the choice not to be with him if he doesn't communicate in a way that works for her, that is the natural consequences and why so many autistic people struggle with social relationships, although tend to thrive with other autistic or ADHDers.

I rest my case. 🙂

Incorrect. She has stated he challenges her on 30% of what she says, not everything.

and the examples she gives don’t sound like he is trying to govern her - just ask her. We know no context.

but I agree they sound completely unsuited.

And yes autistic people communicating together often have different social rules to those NTs have.

I love being amongst those with strong interests who are keen both to explain and to defend views and expect those around them to be similar. It wouldn't be odd in many circles to ask people why they think or act as they do and ask for facts. Facts are good!

Its a bit like 2 different languages. Or operating systems.

I mean either understand that oys not personal, it's just his need to be factual and honest as he sees it.. or break up with him. Because it will be incredibly hard for him to change. He won't innately understand how to 'lie' or be agreeable if he doesn't see that as 'the truth' just to get on with someone. It's a lot harder for people with autism to do this. It would be easier for you to just try abd understand he doesn't mean it in a hostile way or because he thinks little of you. He is literally just saying what he thinks.

@Synchronisedwitches Yes exactly this.

@HeySummerWhereAreYou this is part of what bothers me so much!

One part of me thinks oh this is the autism and on the other side I've had men telling me as a woman what to do throughout life because they knew better.

@Scautish yes I'm a bit like OPs partner in that I find it very difficult to have conversations where you just nod along. I know nodding along is what we are conditioned to do and otherwise can be tiring. I'm not Autistic, I am however incredibly analytical and deep and prefer truth and honesty which doesn't always go down well.

OP, if it's too much and non compatible for you then that's how you feel and you have the personal freedom to move on with someone else. I can see how it is difficult if every conversation feels like a challenge to your view.

If he feels a need to challenge and you are "she who must not be challenged", for want of a better phrase, you may want to end the relationship. You face a never-ending battle for supremacy, especially if he is unaware he's doing it. By the sounds of it, you are not up for that. I think it's that basic. You need someone more easy going, more agreeable.

I, myself, have had to learn not to constantly challenge people in general and my partner in particular but it was hard and it took a lot of work. That's just me, don't know if I am on some spectrum of whatever or not. I had to notice it was a problem in order to work on it.

Does he know it's a problem. Have you told him

If he hasn't even noticed he's doing it and that it rubs folks up the wrong way, it's going to be a long road to harmony. Luckily, my partner put up with my shit till I got my act together and sometimes I still slip up.

It is possible to love an annoying bugger like me but you've seem frazzled by just a short time of it.

Ultimately, only you can decide if he's worth the effort needed to get along with him.