Neurodivergent partner doing my head in this week

[CosmoQ]

He is high functioning and does have a tendency to lecture every so often. His dad has given him a bollocking for it in the past.

Anyway we spent 10 days together, the longest amount of time ever so far, and he was disagreeable about 30% of the time.

Examples:

• we were talking about a Robert De Niro film and I said 'yeah I like him but prefer Al Pacino'. Him: what's the point in preferring him, why can't you just appreciate each actor separately?
• me: well most male birds are more colourful than female birds for mating reasons. Him: hmm I don't think you can say that for sure without the stats
• why are you having sugar in your coffee?

Last night I finally said I'd had enough of being disagreed with all the time as it made me feel undermined. He said he'd take it on board as he doesn't want to upset me but this morning was at it again!

We've had such a lovely relationship so far and I don't understand why he has to oppose me all the time.

Not to make an excuse but I do also think think there is some validity in he is on a work break until October while I remain very busy at work.

He has all this mental energy to use up on debating me while I am already tired

To be clear this was not a holiday, we were just living together for 10 days. He did not behave like this on actual holiday where he was much more relaxed.

Sorry, OP, I was asking about the bloke @Overbearingndn knows, who she said comes across as belligerent, not your partner!

All this suddenly reminded me of how claiming autism was the go-to excuse for men who wanted a free pass to be jerks or downright creepy a few years ago.

admittedly scrolled past cos your responses were add on details /relevant tho.
maybe....hes NOT necessarily invalidating you...he too has an opinion and often that is formed by questioning reason.
i know i am as annoying as gets...from soon as i could talk "stop with the questions"has reoccured...I(waaaaaay before i had/was considered for any sorta dignosis) if you drop being defensive of your (sorry nt doesnt actual right)view...it fizzle out ...or being a viable couple will
am in no way suggesting your relationship should tax your head.

By spending a block of time together you're getting to see the real him - this isn't about him being autistic, we all try to present ourselves well in the early stages of a relationship, the real us slips through when we get comfortable.

If he's irritating you, and undermining you, it doesn't sound like you're compatible. He would irritate me a lot.

To me, as an autistic person, that would just be having a conversation. Not a challenge.

The Al Pacino thing was probably him genuinely just not understanding why you had to have a preference. The bird thing would have had me googling to see which female birds are the colourful ones in the relationship (and probably would have lead on to other species. Monkeys with the purple bums!) The sugar in coffee thing was just a question out of curiosity surely? Not a demand to justify your preference.

Anyway, ND do think differently and if that way of thinking is not something you can understand and means you only see those differences displayed as an attack on you or negativity, then this relationship isn't right for either of you. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't get you.

That's draining, Low emotional intelligence with a lack of empathy.

You would have justify why you breath next, he's a fool.

Posters are being a little unfair to you. This is an issue you are new too and are asking for advice.

The actual fact is that he isn't going to change. It doesn't matter why, this is who he is.

This is one of those "grain of sand in the shoe" situations. You barely notice it after a mile, then after 100miles you begin to notice it, after 1000 you can't stop thinking about it and forget about everything else. After 10,000 miles its worn a hole in your shoe, sock and your sole.

You can love him, but love yourself more.

I echo the sentiments of the poster who asks you to consider what it would be like if he ‘debates’ with you this abstractly and relentlessly in serious and time-sensitive situations.

Will his being nice to you once on holiday in the honeymoon phase really make up for the times he’s happy to stand around arguing the toss about whether your child’s grand mal seizure really warrants emergency medical attention, given current pressures on the NHS, and the statistics re: A&E waiting times at this time of day - not to mention that he’s got a birdwatching weekend planned and needs to be off at 3am sharp to beat the traffic. (Plus he doesn’t like the smell of hospitals and can’t be expected ever to set foot in one, for any reason, ever. Doesn’t matter that his own child might be dying.)

And whatever he believes must be right because he’s always right, because he’s apparently the only person in the world with any access to logic and critical thinking and anyone who doesn’t agree with him is some sort of hysterical imbecile in need of constant correction.

You’d be telling him to develop social awareness? Do you even understand what it means to be Neurodivergent🤣🤣🤣 you clearly do not

A ND person who’s brain works differently is considered to have low emotional intelligence haha wow you cannot make this up.

OP, you feel how you feel but some of these comments berating someone with a disability is crazy to me. Idk why I opened this thread in the first place

I do this too. Over analysis of everything.

He may be starting to unmask more around you. If so, he is finally relaxing and you are seeing him in his natural state. If that state doesn’t work for you, then it doesn’t work. You shouldn’t try to change him.

There are other people out there who will appreciate him exactly the way he is. You don’t have to force a relationship if you aren’t a good match.

I think I would just laugh indulgently in your place. Why does he have to agree with you? Having different povs makes for interesting discussions. If you want a compassionate ear talk to a female friend 😉

It can be intensely irritating at both extremes. Pedantic people who pick up on everything and want every opinion to be totally logical and supported by facts can be annoying. People who spout random views as fact and have illogical opinions that you are expected to just respect and nod along with are also annoying. It doesn’t sound like either of you are extreme like that but maybe you just aren’t compatible.

Sounds like you communicate differently I think you need to evaluate if this is something you could do long term -if and when you move in and have kids how would you cope?

Does he find your communication style difficult to cope with?

I’ve just ended a long-term relationship and all of your words in this post resonate. He had ADHD and, at his worst, everything I said he would jump on and give me his view on. Day-to-day we would manage okay but on holiday it would get to the point where I would just stop saying anything because I would never get to finish what I was saying or thinking it would become all about him.

On reflection there are a lot of things I just didn’t tell him because it wasn’t worth the effort to be able to express my thoughts. Even after we have now ended it we’ve had a couple of calls just so he can “understand things”, and it ends up with him not asking me anything and just haranguing me. I know now that I made the right decision .

In short, these relationships are not good because you don’t feel heard. I think holidays are worse because the only communication that you have is between each other.

I think even if they make the effort not to do it you still know as a partner that you’re not being “heard”. Agree though it’s fine in a friend

I am married to someone with autism and recognise what you say. However. It is unfair to to stay with him if you expect him to change how he is when his masking slips. He should be able to relax and be who he is around you. It's one thing to find it frustrating, agree a dealing strategy, perhaps he'd accept you being blunt? Saying please stop arguing every point and discuss something else. It's another thing to expect him to stop being who he is.

This really

Ha! It's certainly something a lot of men do...
OP, I can really relate. My DH who believes he is autistic (and is very very bright) does this a lot, and I find it exhausting. I've tried to explain the problem as - he sees conversation as a competition that he needs to "win", whereas to me it's a process we're engaging in together, so it makes no sense to me to deliberately make it spiky and combative. But to him it makes no sense to keep his pedantry under control in order to make the conversation more agreeable, because how can he win that way?

When he's in full flow I find it really upsetting, like talking to him is really constraining as I'm always on edge and doubting myself. Sometimes I just avoid talking to him altogether because I can't be arsed defending myself. He knows all of this and is trying his best to be better at my style of conversation; in turn I try to be more accurate when that applies (not when it's a matter of opinion).he didn't really start to display these traits until a few years into the relationship; I've got to be honest, if it had come to the fore early on I'm not sure I'd still be here.

aw, compassion required! This is me all over and sometimes I feel so bad afterwards. It’s not about love, just who we are

OP, I entirely get where you are coming from. My aunt is like this, and more latterly, a boyfriend when I was at university. Both ended up knocking my confidence, but with the boyfriend I became noticeably subdued and friends started to worry about me. Regardless of the cause of this behaviour, it can be hugely damaging to yourself and you do not need to put up with it. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I really wish my neurodiverse adhd bf was like this. I would absolutely love a conversation starter. He's challenging you and then you think critical. It's amazing. He's going to get you to open your bubble. Can I have his personality transfered into my partner please lol. You can have the one that agrees with everything you say!

Ha yes the "agreeing with everything you say" isn't a trait I'd want in a partner. I love a proper honest conversation and ability to get to the nitty gritty of an issue.

I read a study once that found in successful relationships people “turn toward” each other - i.e. respond positively and with interest to what their partner says the majority of the time. If you’re constantly being questioned, criticised or challenged it will wear you down.

You can’t change him, so perhaps you’re not compatible. I wasn’t with my ex! Took me years to leave though. My DP now expresses enthusiasm if I suggest a jacket potato for dinner and life is wonderful.