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Original poster

If a child discloses they feel unsafe when dad collects them from school, what should teachers do?

161 replies

Campari20 · 03/09/2024 08:45

Currently having major issues with DD going to overnight contact. She is scared and doesn't want to go. Clearly has articulated the reasons as to why to her father also but he refuses to listen to her.
Current contact is EOW Saturday to Sunday, one night. Handovers have been utterly awful.
I have submitted an application back to court to get the matter varied back to day contact, however still need to make her available for the current contact as awful as it is :( I am completely stuck.
I suggested a school pick up to DD instead as the problem is she becomes inconsolable at handovers when I am there.. it is also not a handover issue, it is a contact issue. Nevertheless, DD has told me that she will cry and scream and tell her teachers she doesn't feel safe going. Before I suggest this to her father, I was just wondering what the school would do if DD disclosed this upon pick up? would they make her go? keep her in the classroom and call me? The school are aware of the domestic history and do not think much of dad as he has called them ranting and raving about me etc. First day back of term today so not likely to get a call from school today so just wanted to know if anyone had experience of this.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2024 08:53

Are the current levels of contact court ordered ?.

He has not changed, he continues to want to use his power and control against you and his daughter. He wants to punish you and use her to that end. Such abusive men hate women , all of them. I would further enlist the services of Women’s Aid and a Solicitor if you do not already have one.

Original poster
Campari20 · 03/09/2024 08:53

Yes, court ordered.

OP posts:
cosyleafcafe · 03/09/2024 08:54

Has anyone asked her why she feels unsafe?

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2024 09:01

If it is court ordered, we would not be able to prevent the parent from collecting the child. However, we would look to put in place some support for the child around this issue. If the child disclosed things that would trigger further investigation we would refer to MASH.

DoreenonTill8 · 03/09/2024 09:02

cosyleafcafe · 03/09/2024 08:54

Has anyone asked her why she feels unsafe?

This!
Is it because she wants to be with you or does she feel threatened?

Octavia64 · 03/09/2024 09:06

As a teacher if DD disclosed this to me I would make a report that would go to the safeguarding lead.

The safeguarding lead would then make a decision about what to do - usually informing SS but there are various levels of urgency.

Depending on why she said she felt unsafe (sexual abuse? Physical abuse?) would affect the level of urgency.

In some circumstances children can be kept at school and not released to parents but I do not know how a court order would impact that.

Original poster
Campari20 · 03/09/2024 09:53

There is a court order but its for Saturday EoW to Sunday, not Friday. The suggestion for Friday pick up was to see how that went
DD has disclosed to the police and GP why she doesn't feel safe (emotional and physical abuse reasons)

OP posts:
newtlover · 03/09/2024 09:56

the teacher would report it to the safeguarding lead

they would then look into it

if the contact is court ordered I don't think the school can refuse to hand the child over, but they may be able to use delaying tactics

TipsyJoker · 03/09/2024 09:59

regardless of the court order, if there are safeguarding concerns you have the right to stop contact if your child is at risk. Make sure you have the schools backing in this as they can speak to your daughter and ask her why she feels unsafe and record that with the safeguarding team. They can refer to SS from there. Work with them to make sure your daughter is safe. When he inevitably takes you back to court for stopping contact you can say that there were safeguarding concerns raised and provide evidence from school, SS, GP and police. If you fail to safeguard your child, that will be in you so do what you have to do to make sure she’s safe.

Original poster
Campari20 · 03/09/2024 10:08

I am in such an impossible situation at the moment. I have urgently referred the matter back to court but have to still make her available for the contact. I have tried absolutely everything but DD is so adamant she isn't going and she isn't a child I ever have to force to do anything. She displays genuine fear when she sees him and cries and shakes and screams and cries.
As mentioned the Friday pick up isn't court ordered, it was just a trial to see if it would make any difference. What is court ordered is overnight contact from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/09/2024 10:12

Education staff report to the Head Teacher. Any adult can report a child safety concern to social services and it must be acted upon.

SallyWD · 03/09/2024 10:24

This is heartbreaking. Can she really be forced to see a man who has physically and emotionally abused her?

DoreenonTill8 · 03/09/2024 10:24

Campari20 · 03/09/2024 09:53

There is a court order but its for Saturday EoW to Sunday, not Friday. The suggestion for Friday pick up was to see how that went
DD has disclosed to the police and GP why she doesn't feel safe (emotional and physical abuse reasons)

What are the police doing? Have they arrested/charged him?

Snoken · 03/09/2024 10:41

I don't think I could put her through having to have such a reaction at school. She would spend the entire school day worrying about it and the pick-up would be witnessed by all the other kids and teachers. How old is she btw?

Original poster
Campari20 · 03/09/2024 10:53

No arrest yet, still in the investigative stage and DD has to give a formal statement also on some matters she has disclosed to the police, after which he will be visited.

I also worry about her anxiety going to school knowing he's potentially picking her up. DD enjoys school so much and loves going, I don't want to create any issues for her there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Campari20 · 03/09/2024 10:54

she is 6

OP posts:
saveforthat · 03/09/2024 10:58

This is awful. I would go back to the Saturday pick up and then just not send her, noone should force a child to go in that situation surely. Can she just be ill when she is supposed to go?

Snoken · 03/09/2024 11:02

Could she stay with grandparents on her dads side instead and he can see her there? I doubt he would agree to it but maybe worth a shot.

WolfFoxHare · 03/09/2024 11:25

If she's collected by him from school on a Friday, won't that mean she has to spend two nights with her abusive father? That doesn't seem like any kind of solution.

Ivehearditbothways · 03/09/2024 11:29

What would the court actually do? If you have cameras set up to catch her reaction so it’s all on video and then you refuse to hand her over when she has this reaction… what would a court do? I’m just asking as I cannot understand how she can be forced to go when in that state. If you go into court with videos showing all that to justify why you refused, what would they do to you?

CleftChin · 03/09/2024 11:33

In my court order I have written that all contact is with the consent of the children - because I refused to force my children (encourage, yes, but never force), and if ex decided that he was going to force them, that would be on him to break his relationship with them by doing it.

My friend has an abusive ex - she only does handovers in public places like the local shopping centre, where previously a security guard has stepped in to prevent her ex from abusing her and the child. Would that be a possibility? Hand over at a public place with security?

You are in a bind, and I don't know what you can do otherwise - the courts put the children (and their parent) in an impossible position.

cestlavielife · 03/09/2024 11:36

Campari20 · 03/09/2024 10:53

No arrest yet, still in the investigative stage and DD has to give a formal statement also on some matters she has disclosed to the police, after which he will be visited.

I also worry about her anxiety going to school knowing he's potentially picking her up. DD enjoys school so much and loves going, I don't want to create any issues for her there.

Surely this is valid reason to stop contact until this is fully investigated?

Or offer supervised contact outdoors public place for now

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/09/2024 11:38

Ivehearditbothways · 03/09/2024 11:29

What would the court actually do? If you have cameras set up to catch her reaction so it’s all on video and then you refuse to hand her over when she has this reaction… what would a court do? I’m just asking as I cannot understand how she can be forced to go when in that state. If you go into court with videos showing all that to justify why you refused, what would they do to you?

It depends on the judge. Worst case scenario's along the lines of they decide it's mums fault, that she made the child hysterical and set the whole thing up and increase his contact so the child can build a better relationship with their father. It's really not good for people on here to tell parents in this position they should withhold the child, because this does happen. As horrible as it is OP should follow the legal advice she's been given.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 03/09/2024 11:44

No. This cannot be allowed to continue. Stuff court orders, safeguarding your child is more important. Contact your daughter’s school and leave an urgent message for their safe guarding lead to contact you asap.

Original poster
Campari20 · 03/09/2024 11:46

CleftChin · 03/09/2024 11:33

In my court order I have written that all contact is with the consent of the children - because I refused to force my children (encourage, yes, but never force), and if ex decided that he was going to force them, that would be on him to break his relationship with them by doing it.

My friend has an abusive ex - she only does handovers in public places like the local shopping centre, where previously a security guard has stepped in to prevent her ex from abusing her and the child. Would that be a possibility? Hand over at a public place with security?

You are in a bind, and I don't know what you can do otherwise - the courts put the children (and their parent) in an impossible position.

Yes, but how old are your kids?

OP posts: