Page 25 | Sleeping with someone on the first date

LegalAlienated · 2024-09-02T12:49:09+00:00

Has this ever developed into a relationship? I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing? (Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

betterangels · 04/09/2024 13:41

You're like a dog with a bone. A lot of us could share how many but choose not to because it's none of anyone else's business

Why are you so insistent that women, who live and choose differently to you, must be and feel ashamed? It's really weird.

Poppins21 · 04/09/2024 13:52

betterangels · 04/09/2024 13:41

You're like a dog with a bone. A lot of us could share how many but choose not to because it's none of anyone else's business

Why are you so insistent that women, who live and choose differently to you, must be and feel ashamed? It's really weird.

Yes it the obsessive judgemental nature of the posts and stating anyone who disagrees must have a mental illness.

Not exactly a nuanced view of the world and people for someone who says she is a counsellor.

aCatCalledFawkes · 04/09/2024 13:52

BeyondSmoake · 04/09/2024 13:32

Being unable to share with a partner what sex actually is to you, and how many people you’ve given it to because deep down you do feel ashamed.

I don't even know how many men and women I've had sex with 🤷🏼‍♀️ my DP is well aware of this, no shame here.

I'm autistic though, so no doubt my attitude to sex is pathological in your expert opinion. 🤣

This, I'm 46yrs and have been having sex since I was 17yrs. Nearly 20yrs. I have no idea, it's not been loads but I certainly didn't add another notch to my bed everytime. And no I do not feel ashamed.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/09/2024 13:56

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 13:25

Whatever makes you feel better- I just have a strongly held opinion that people who engage in frequent casual sex are mentally unstable, have deeper issues, have a warped view of relationships and love, and are not a good bet in terms of investing in a future with. Promiscuity is actually one symptom of a few different mental illnesses.

Treating people as objects, lacking discernment, thinking of sex as fucks rather than something more important than that, getting a reputation, not being trusted secretly by people you know because you put out with all and sundry, taking health and safety risks, potentially destroying other relationships because you don’t know the people you are fucking from Adam, or their life situation, and the list goes on. Being unable to share with a partner what sex actually is to you, and how many people you’ve given it to because deep down you do feel ashamed.

You can disagree if you choose to- you think I’m mental, and I think you are- this is the product of living in a world with varied world views. The original post has evolved into a deeper discussion on it. I think you will need to accept that the world is full of people who think the same as me…..just as I will accept the world is full of people like you. I use my ex as an example because living with someone with a promiscuous mindset who spent years engaging in meaningless casual sex, is not a meeting of minds, it is a waste for the person who thinks deeper, and most leopards do not change their spots. The amount of threads on this forum about cheating, and never ever does the woman or man just say to their partner- I just fancied a bit of variety, I was bored and the opportunity arose, and it’s how I lived my life for many years so I just went for it hoping you wouldn’t find out. That would be the truth in a lot of cases. I’m just blunt, and you don’t like it- and that is fine, my ex didn’t like it either, but he wants it back badly, so - his loss. Treat people as objects and think in a shallow way, while trying to psychoanalyse others- why don’t you psychoanalyse yourself?

I’m now happily married with 3 children and casual sex is a thing of the past. I’ve never cheated and never would.

I’m not ashamed. You just don’t seem to understand that some people don’t care, DH has never asked me my ‘number’ because he.does.not.care and I wouldn’t tell him because it isn’t relevant to our marriage as well as it being none of his business.

Your ex isn’t everyone who has had casual sex. Even those who have had casual sex are different.

Pippin24 · 04/09/2024 13:57

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 13:32

As for my ex, no he didn’t comment on my “lack of skills” he couldn’t get enough, said I was the most creative and sexy woman he ever met, which I fully believe. Having sex with multiple partners does NOT make you good at it. He was the one who lacked creativity, because he had base instincts, having never stuck with anyone long enough to truly learn what a woman wants and needs. This mistaken idea that you are good in bed because you’ve screwed a lot of people is hilarious. I loved him very much so I didn’t care about the “lack of skill” but just enjoyed all of what we had. Yes he was a cheat, have you seen a cheating man cry? Neither have I, as I never saw his face again when I found out all his lies. I just have contempt for shallow people, if I still loved him then I’d feel pain- but what you’re picking up on is contempt, and my ex is my perfect case study of why it doesn’t work with promiscuous people,

I'm sorry but I just don't believe you. I think you believe you though which is quite possibly the saddest part of this whole thing. Im reluctant to keep engaging with you as I think Im dealing some someone who is very emotionally distressed and quite likely mentally unbalanced presently.

As for him and the "most creative etc" compliment, I would hazard a guess he has used that line on many women, he seems to be the sort to tell people what they want to hear. No doubt telling you he was glad you were "chaste" enough for him, whilst no doubt telling the other women he was involved with how he loved how "wild" they were. He's a liar and a cheat and unfortunately proves my point that you holding off didn't matter. He wanted to sleep with someone else so he did. Were you then "easy"? you had sex with someone that it turned out couldn't be trusted. He lied and you believed him. In fact I would go so far as to say he manipulated you. The only difference between him and a ONS is that ONS are more forthright. Everyone knows that it may not be more than a one night thing. Unlike yourself who believed a cheater?

You dont need to feel ashamed or embarrassed or turn yourself into knots justifying why you were intimate with someone like that. you - like many women on here - did what you wanted with your body and in your case you picked a shit guy to do it with. No one is judging you for that. I think underneath it all you are judging you though! and you are so vitriolic to other women who just dont care if a man does that as she is doing it too! - do you feel you were made a fool of?

I mean this genuinely but I think your judgment of women is actually reflecting what you are most afraid of? that women can be sexual beings without permission from a patriarchal society or a religion. This isnt the 1950's - you wont catch or keep a man by following a strict timeline regarding sex. In your case you did have sex after waiting and he still slept around. His fault, not yours. You don't have to live your life being so bitter. That's likely to lead to more life threatening health issues than having safe sex with a man you don't know well but fancy.

Comtesse · 04/09/2024 13:58

Oh @Parisianparty you ok hun?

Having a few notches on your bedpost does not mean you have a mental illness.

Clearwater18 · 04/09/2024 14:36

I'd love to know know the type of conversations people have when for example they've met for the first time in a club then leave to go somewhere for definitely no strings sex. I'm being honest here, I'd be mortified in the morning.😂 I'll emphasise that I'm not being judgemental.I find it interesting given its something I genuinely couldn't do and I really love sex within a long term relationship. Do you speak to each other, cuddle etc then just leave hopefully never to be seen again?

KreedKafer · 04/09/2024 14:39

ThatBrickRaven · 04/09/2024 12:50

I agree also. She is very unwell I think.

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Extremely unwell, yes.

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 14:44

Pippin24 · 04/09/2024 13:57

I'm sorry but I just don't believe you. I think you believe you though which is quite possibly the saddest part of this whole thing. Im reluctant to keep engaging with you as I think Im dealing some someone who is very emotionally distressed and quite likely mentally unbalanced presently.

As for him and the "most creative etc" compliment, I would hazard a guess he has used that line on many women, he seems to be the sort to tell people what they want to hear. No doubt telling you he was glad you were "chaste" enough for him, whilst no doubt telling the other women he was involved with how he loved how "wild" they were. He's a liar and a cheat and unfortunately proves my point that you holding off didn't matter. He wanted to sleep with someone else so he did. Were you then "easy"? you had sex with someone that it turned out couldn't be trusted. He lied and you believed him. In fact I would go so far as to say he manipulated you. The only difference between him and a ONS is that ONS are more forthright. Everyone knows that it may not be more than a one night thing. Unlike yourself who believed a cheater?

You dont need to feel ashamed or embarrassed or turn yourself into knots justifying why you were intimate with someone like that. you - like many women on here - did what you wanted with your body and in your case you picked a shit guy to do it with. No one is judging you for that. I think underneath it all you are judging you though! and you are so vitriolic to other women who just dont care if a man does that as she is doing it too! - do you feel you were made a fool of?

I mean this genuinely but I think your judgment of women is actually reflecting what you are most afraid of? that women can be sexual beings without permission from a patriarchal society or a religion. This isnt the 1950's - you wont catch or keep a man by following a strict timeline regarding sex. In your case you did have sex after waiting and he still slept around. His fault, not yours. You don't have to live your life being so bitter. That's likely to lead to more life threatening health issues than having safe sex with a man you don't know well but fancy.

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Why do you assume that only promiscuous people can be wild in bed? Why is there this odd notion once again that people who shag anything going are better in bed? It makes no logical sense. Of course he was the type to say whatever, but he was still ringing me every day crying for about 2 years, and now just try’s to get messages to me through mutual friends. I know how creative I am, and judging by the topics that come up on this forum, a lot of women are weird about sex, a lot don’t even seem to want it, and the most vanilla things requested they make whole posts about thinking it’s mega kink and they are being taken advantage of. I know what we had in that regard, and it was evident he had a lot of untapped fantasies and ways of doing things that he hadn’t felt like sharing prior to me, we took plenty of time to get to know each other for many years. He couldn’t help crossing the lines though, it was just a huge part of who he was, very loose boundaries with women, not loving or emotional, but just desperate women who would shag anyone, because he was a good looking man. Women that knew how besotted he was in his relationship and that he thought of them as cheap. Some women really are that desperate - and some men are just not worth having

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/09/2024 14:54

Clearwater18 · 04/09/2024 14:36

I'd love to know know the type of conversations people have when for example they've met for the first time in a club then leave to go somewhere for definitely no strings sex. I'm being honest here, I'd be mortified in the morning.😂 I'll emphasise that I'm not being judgemental.I find it interesting given its something I genuinely couldn't do and I really love sex within a long term relationship. Do you speak to each other, cuddle etc then just leave hopefully never to be seen again?

Edited

😂

Depends. Sometimes not much talking at all, sometimes more but nothing too deep. Not a cuddler after sex, even with my DH now so that was never a thing but I usually had a coffee unless the guy would just rather us leave which was fine too. I’d just get a coffee somewhere else.

EBearhug · 04/09/2024 14:57

I'd usually offer tea or coffee or water, maybe breakfast if I had something in, and a shower. A lot won't stay, in which case, I just say thank you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/09/2024 14:57

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 14:44

Why do you assume that only promiscuous people can be wild in bed? Why is there this odd notion once again that people who shag anything going are better in bed? It makes no logical sense. Of course he was the type to say whatever, but he was still ringing me every day crying for about 2 years, and now just try’s to get messages to me through mutual friends. I know how creative I am, and judging by the topics that come up on this forum, a lot of women are weird about sex, a lot don’t even seem to want it, and the most vanilla things requested they make whole posts about thinking it’s mega kink and they are being taken advantage of. I know what we had in that regard, and it was evident he had a lot of untapped fantasies and ways of doing things that he hadn’t felt like sharing prior to me, we took plenty of time to get to know each other for many years. He couldn’t help crossing the lines though, it was just a huge part of who he was, very loose boundaries with women, not loving or emotional, but just desperate women who would shag anyone, because he was a good looking man. Women that knew how besotted he was in his relationship and that he thought of them as cheap. Some women really are that desperate - and some men are just not worth having

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The same way you’ve made many assumptions about people who have had casual sex?

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:00

I definitely don’t tie myself in knots being involved with someone who didn’t have the same moral standards as me, because I genuinely loved him and so much about him, very much. however, this is the problem with people who aren’t honest about who they are from the get go, they waste someone else’s time. It is correct I wouldn’t have gone on a first date with him, never mind spent 5 years with him after knowing him 3 years prior to that, had I know his lack of boundaries. He denies cheating, but crossed lines in the way he spoke to other women. Obviously I don’t believe him as cheats only admit to what they have to. It was enough to see the messages, that he didn’t have the integrity to turn down advances in a direct way, but left it open- I guess for if he ever became single and resumed his casual sex lifestyle, people like that need to have people waiting in the wings as it’s just the way he ticks. None of these women were all that attractive, he knows exactly what he had, I guess he was just scared he might one day be at a loose end if I ever left him, as he was intensely paranoid about me “finding someone better”, which was odd as he knew all I felt for him. I guess he was was projecting. Funniest message was from a woman 20 years older than me in her underwear looking like she should be going out to draw her pension. It was pathetic. I gave him the chance to change things so he could properly cut women off with no hope who threw themselves at him, but he didn’t want to “hurt their feelings”, I saw all the messages, and they were all the desperate middle aged kind who just wanted a go on him, no way were they competition for me in any way, but I guess he’s left with the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel now, and good luck to him 🤣

Pippin24 · 04/09/2024 15:04

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 14:44

Why do you assume that only promiscuous people can be wild in bed? Why is there this odd notion once again that people who shag anything going are better in bed? It makes no logical sense. Of course he was the type to say whatever, but he was still ringing me every day crying for about 2 years, and now just try’s to get messages to me through mutual friends. I know how creative I am, and judging by the topics that come up on this forum, a lot of women are weird about sex, a lot don’t even seem to want it, and the most vanilla things requested they make whole posts about thinking it’s mega kink and they are being taken advantage of. I know what we had in that regard, and it was evident he had a lot of untapped fantasies and ways of doing things that he hadn’t felt like sharing prior to me, we took plenty of time to get to know each other for many years. He couldn’t help crossing the lines though, it was just a huge part of who he was, very loose boundaries with women, not loving or emotional, but just desperate women who would shag anyone, because he was a good looking man. Women that knew how besotted he was in his relationship and that he thought of them as cheap. Some women really are that desperate - and some men are just not worth having

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I honestly dont mean to make you feel worse but him ringing you crying, sending messages through others etc being "besotted" with you is all just so much bullshit. You likely don't know (a) how many women he shagged whilst with you (b) what they are like. I think the women he was with probably just fancied him and decided to sleep with him - and he them. Difference between them and him is they werent filling you full of shit by trying to convince you you were special to them. I would guess these women weren't desperate in the main, I would guess thought that you are very desperate to convince yourself that you meant something to this man but I'm sorry I don't think you did. That's no reflection on you. you just met a bad guy and trusted him and you shouldn't have. We have all been there in one way or another.

He has lied and lied and continues to try to manipulate you either via crying messages or getting messages through to you via other people. The fact that you still have people approaching you on his behalf suggests to me that you are encouraging it in some way. Why not tell him plainly go away and stay away or you will take action about it. Why not tell these people delivering his messages that you will cut contact with them. Are you desperate to have him remain in your life in some way.

Please stop trying to justify his behavior by saying he has a personality disorder and sought out desperate women to have sex with even though he was "besotted" with you. Its so sad to read that. you do deserve better, but from yourself mostly. Stop fooling yourself about who this man was. From my reading he could tell that you have emotional hangups about sex and has used that to his advantage. Might you be best seeking additional counselling and please stop counselling others - you appear to be unwell and that wont help anyone.

Naunet · 04/09/2024 15:10

What revoltingly misogynistic and judgemental thread. I haven’t read the whole thread for the same reasons I don’t read anything from Andrew Tate, so I’m sure this has already been asked, but are men desperate and cheap if they have sex on the first date?

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:15

So you think that someone who casually fucks around can’t love anyone properly? I 100% agree. I think men like that have a hierarchy though- women they want to screw and women they want to be with. Sadly many of them want both at the same time

Josette77 · 04/09/2024 15:15

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:00

I definitely don’t tie myself in knots being involved with someone who didn’t have the same moral standards as me, because I genuinely loved him and so much about him, very much. however, this is the problem with people who aren’t honest about who they are from the get go, they waste someone else’s time. It is correct I wouldn’t have gone on a first date with him, never mind spent 5 years with him after knowing him 3 years prior to that, had I know his lack of boundaries. He denies cheating, but crossed lines in the way he spoke to other women. Obviously I don’t believe him as cheats only admit to what they have to. It was enough to see the messages, that he didn’t have the integrity to turn down advances in a direct way, but left it open- I guess for if he ever became single and resumed his casual sex lifestyle, people like that need to have people waiting in the wings as it’s just the way he ticks. None of these women were all that attractive, he knows exactly what he had, I guess he was just scared he might one day be at a loose end if I ever left him, as he was intensely paranoid about me “finding someone better”, which was odd as he knew all I felt for him. I guess he was was projecting. Funniest message was from a woman 20 years older than me in her underwear looking like she should be going out to draw her pension. It was pathetic. I gave him the chance to change things so he could properly cut women off with no hope who threw themselves at him, but he didn’t want to “hurt their feelings”, I saw all the messages, and they were all the desperate middle aged kind who just wanted a go on him, no way were they competition for me in any way, but I guess he’s left with the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel now, and good luck to him 🤣

Edited

You have a lot of unresolved feelings about your ex it sounds like. I think talking to someone about this would be a good idea.

I have no clue how many people I've slept with. I'm sure I could count if I made a list.

But I am 46 and was with my ex husband for 22 years.

Then I dated someone off and on for 2 years and finally met my partner two years ago. We plan to get married and I am madly in love.

Having slept with my fair share of people doesn't mean I can't be loyal in a relationship. I've never cheated and was with my ex from 21-42.

I like monogamy and don't struggle with it at all.

You discussing middle aged women you deem unattractive and not competition is misogynistic.
Judging them by their looks when your ex is the one encouraging them.

Most of the women here are now married or in long term relationships quite happily. Given that they are and you aren't, maybe just maybe they know something you don't.

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:16

Naunet · 04/09/2024 15:10

What revoltingly misogynistic and judgemental thread. I haven’t read the whole thread for the same reasons I don’t read anything from Andrew Tate, so I’m sure this has already been asked, but are men desperate and cheap if they have sex on the first date?

Yes that’s been covered, men can be sluts too

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:16

Andrew tate is the biggest slut around

EBearhug · 04/09/2024 15:22

Naunet · 04/09/2024 15:10

What revoltingly misogynistic and judgemental thread. I haven’t read the whole thread for the same reasons I don’t read anything from Andrew Tate, so I’m sure this has already been asked, but are men desperate and cheap if they have sex on the first date?

You maybe should read the thread.

Naunet · 04/09/2024 15:23

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:16

Yes that’s been covered, men can be sluts too

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Sluts? Well aren’t you lovely? Do you mind other people judging you in such a nasty way, or do you hope for kindness from others?

Naunet · 04/09/2024 15:24

EBearhug · 04/09/2024 15:22

You maybe should read the thread.

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So I can read nasty judgemental comments from lots of small minded, sexist women? No thanks, I just wanted OPs opinion as I have read her comments and can see she’s not answered this question.

Pippin24 · 04/09/2024 15:25

Parisianparty · 04/09/2024 15:00

I definitely don’t tie myself in knots being involved with someone who didn’t have the same moral standards as me, because I genuinely loved him and so much about him, very much. however, this is the problem with people who aren’t honest about who they are from the get go, they waste someone else’s time. It is correct I wouldn’t have gone on a first date with him, never mind spent 5 years with him after knowing him 3 years prior to that, had I know his lack of boundaries. He denies cheating, but crossed lines in the way he spoke to other women. Obviously I don’t believe him as cheats only admit to what they have to. It was enough to see the messages, that he didn’t have the integrity to turn down advances in a direct way, but left it open- I guess for if he ever became single and resumed his casual sex lifestyle, people like that need to have people waiting in the wings as it’s just the way he ticks. None of these women were all that attractive, he knows exactly what he had, I guess he was just scared he might one day be at a loose end if I ever left him, as he was intensely paranoid about me “finding someone better”, which was odd as he knew all I felt for him. I guess he was was projecting. Funniest message was from a woman 20 years older than me in her underwear looking like she should be going out to draw her pension. It was pathetic. I gave him the chance to change things so he could properly cut women off with no hope who threw themselves at him, but he didn’t want to “hurt their feelings”, I saw all the messages, and they were all the desperate middle aged kind who just wanted a go on him, no way were they competition for me in any way, but I guess he’s left with the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel now, and good luck to him 🤣

Edited

Parisian, you are so damaged by this man. This literally reads like a story. you dont know any of these woman who you reference as desperate. you talk about them being no competition for you etc but the truth is you all meant the same to him. He clearly enjoys being promiscuous. Id say he was never faithful as some people just arent. Stop projecting your hurt onto the other women. it was him! - He lied and he cheated and he played with you. that's on him - no one else.

Also, you are judging someone on looks alone, from a photograph that you have seen of them, you dont know what needs they were filling for him or he them for that matter. He might have had the best conversations with them, best sex, best fun - whatever. what you do know is that he had told you that he would be faithful and that wasnt true. what you do know is that he knew how much intimacy meant to you and he didnt respect or care for you enough to be honest with you about the fact that he was having his needs met elsewhere - whatever those needs may be.

you dont know this man no matter how long he has been in your life. He was and is capable of pulling the wool over your eyes. Concentrate on yourself and proper healing with someone that cares enough to try and help you face up to how things are for you now.

BeyondSmoake · 04/09/2024 15:28

@Naunet , so long as you avoid @Parisianparty 's posts, the thread isn't too bad at all.

TheCadoganArms · 04/09/2024 15:39

The most worrying aspect of this thread is that Parisianparty is some kind of councillor or therapist. I pity her patients.