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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The OW messaged me then deleted it.

173 replies

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:12

So here’s the back storey to it. I have six hours to kill waiting in an airport and this happened last night. Don’t know what to make of it, probably shouldn’t give it any thought but was bizarre.

I was just landing down in a plane turned my phone on and see a message from the women my ex left me for but said she had deleted it. This was on WhatsApp. She hasn’t messaged me once since the split almost a year ago. It made me so anxious had a scary plane landing and then bomb her message pops up.

I sent back a question mark and it read as she had seen it. She then started watching my social media stories. No reply so I don’t know if it was a mistake. Or because she had realised my ex is a dickhead. Because he is house siting our old home looking after my dog and she knows I’m coming back soon and now she’s insecure?

It was brutal how the relationship ended they had been having an affair for at least a year or more where they both lied to me. If you seen my previous posts you will have seen how messed up it made me at the time from flipping between knowing it was the right thing him being out my life to being dumbfounded how he could walk out on his family one day without even a conversation and jumping into a relationship with a women twice my age leaving me to raise our kids.

I feel vulnerable as we still at the stage where I don’t know what the future holds. She is extremely rich and I felt she essentially bought my family. Within months of him leaving she suggested they go into business together and she buys a house for him and our children.

So seeing her name pop up makes my stomach churn thinking will another bomb be dropped on my children’s and my life.

Why do you think she reached out?
What would you do? I’ve been doing so well the past few months I’m just like why now.

OP posts:
HappyHeader · 02/09/2024 09:20

Ugh, what a mind fuck!

Honestly, I wouldn’t do anything. There’s clearly something up with her but she’s an adult and chose him knowing he was happy to be a cheater so let her stew in any suspicions she may have.

I’d also block her number and from my social media. To doesn’t need to contact you- anything about the children can go through your ex-husband.

Sounds like this man took up enough of your time and energy- don’t let his girlfriend do the same.

ProvincialLady2024 · 02/09/2024 09:26

Block her to set a sage boundary for yourself.

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:27

HappyHeader · 02/09/2024 09:20

Ugh, what a mind fuck!

Honestly, I wouldn’t do anything. There’s clearly something up with her but she’s an adult and chose him knowing he was happy to be a cheater so let her stew in any suspicions she may have.

I’d also block her number and from my social media. To doesn’t need to contact you- anything about the children can go through your ex-husband.

Sounds like this man took up enough of your time and energy- don’t let his girlfriend do the same.

Yeah you’re right. The biggest giveaway they were cheating is that she blocked all my social media accounts when they were friends but never my WhatsApp. I haven’t spoken to her ever on social media. Just once over a year ago on WhatsApp when she reached out to reassure me they weren’t cheating lol.

I imagine there’s trouble in paradise 😂 surprise surprise but they are welcome to each other.

I am going to assume it wasn’t a mistake I’ve done pocket dials but never accidentally msged someone. It was around half 9/10 at night. My ex has been house sitting as I’m away on a work trip this is a once in a blue moon thing so I am guessing she is insecure about it and use all being in same house together although he will be leaving when I get back at night.

Maybe she just wanted to stir things. My ex the other day went on a rant to me saying he was being generous and how nice she is and saying randomly how if you asked her she would say he defends me to the end of the earth. I said well sounds like there is a lot of conflict going on if you are defending me in conversations.. 😂

Part of me is actually feeling a bit smug it felt like karma wasn’t going to happen that two shitty people could go off into the sunset whilst I’m left holding the baby so to speak.

I’ll leave it.

OP posts:
probster · 02/09/2024 09:28

Because he is house siting our old home looking after my dog and she knows I’m coming back soon and now she’s insecure?

don’t give her want she wants

probster · 02/09/2024 09:33

is he not also looking after your children?

NewYearNewName2024 · 02/09/2024 09:33

Maybe she messaged to see if it went through, to see if your phone was on flight mode. I'm guessing she's thinking you're coming home earlier than you ex told her and she's suspicious if he's at your home!

Clementine22 · 02/09/2024 09:36

I’d block her on social media and WhatsApp, there’s no need for her to contact you.

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:37

probster · 02/09/2024 09:33

is he not also looking after your children?

He is and isn’t his mum is at the moment. So he’s at my house our old home with my dog but for some reason he has kept the kids at his mums down the the road. I was away for just over a week and within 3 days he told me his mum had taken them on holiday to take the pressure off him. Yeah I know he isn’t really father of the yeah. My dog gets funny with people he doesn’t know coming in the house when I’m not there so it being a once in a blue moon, him feeding and walking my dog with his dog helps me out.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 02/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm. Just ignore it. Don’t start feeling smug, it could be anything. And it could bite you in the arse. They may have got engaged and she’s texting you to be a bitch. It could have been an emergency at the house and he was refusing to message you and she thought ‘fuck it, I’ll message her about the fuse box’ and then the problem got sorted.

I wouldn’t tell your ex that she messaged either. Say ‘thanks for house sitting, dog ok? See you soon bye’.

probster · 02/09/2024 09:38

i wouldn’t want this man in my home Op
and baffling you want him to
next time find a dog sitter and steer clear of this drama

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:41

So I can’t block her on social media because she did this before I even knew of the affair so when I went to snoop as you do she didn’t come up but my friend found her. It was so messed up the mind games they played and then one day she msged me on WhatsApp congratulating my on work success and expressed how my ex and her were just good friends. This was after going to plug my phone in one night and seeing a msg saying how much he basically meant to her.

Yeah because my phone was on airplane mode I didn’t get a notification that would have shown what she deleted. She was just there in my WhatsApp saying message deleted. I sent a question mark as curiosity got the better of me I guess but she saw it then watched my stories on WhatsApp. All very weird. I am guessing she is worried as we will be in the same house when my ex drops kids off or if he keeps them there with him tonight. I have 3 flights in total so maybe she thought I would have been there by now.

I know I shouldn’t give it any thought. I just got to the point where I didn’t think about them anymore.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 02/09/2024 09:43

probster · 02/09/2024 09:38

i wouldn’t want this man in my home Op
and baffling you want him to
next time find a dog sitter and steer clear of this drama

I would for two reasons:

  1. He’s familiar with the house and dog and a full time dog sitter would be hundreds of pounds and who wants a stranger in their house?
  2. But more importantly it will really piss off the other woman. She must feel insecure that he’s back in the family home. I bet it was her idea that the kids went to his Mums. I bet she thinks I’m not having him back in the family home with his kids remembering how happy they were.
Pumpkinpie1 · 02/09/2024 09:43

OP this …. Has taken enough from you . Block her on everything.
As for your Ex why on earth are you letting him creep around your house !!!
Absolute Madness ! He’s not even caring for his children!

I think you need to minimise contact and get some therapy - if you haven’t already .

CheekySwan · 02/09/2024 09:44

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:37

He is and isn’t his mum is at the moment. So he’s at my house our old home with my dog but for some reason he has kept the kids at his mums down the the road. I was away for just over a week and within 3 days he told me his mum had taken them on holiday to take the pressure off him. Yeah I know he isn’t really father of the yeah. My dog gets funny with people he doesn’t know coming in the house when I’m not there so it being a once in a blue moon, him feeding and walking my dog with his dog helps me out.

Maybe he is cheating on her and he has had the other woman at your house......just a thought

probster · 02/09/2024 09:45

Moveoverdarlin · 02/09/2024 09:43

I would for two reasons:

  1. He’s familiar with the house and dog and a full time dog sitter would be hundreds of pounds and who wants a stranger in their house?
  2. But more importantly it will really piss off the other woman. She must feel insecure that he’s back in the family home. I bet it was her idea that the kids went to his Mums. I bet she thinks I’m not having him back in the family home with his kids remembering how happy they were.
  1. this man walked out on the op and two young children without a backward glance and has repeatedly blocked the op according to other threads and now delegates care of his children to his mother
  2. it’s been two years…. trying to piss off this woman means you’re still thinking about her.
Diarygirlqueen · 02/09/2024 09:45

I remember your last post and am really glad to hear you're doing well. I thought you would have struggled to move on, you sounded broken. Be proud of yourself and don't let these two selfish, horrid and insecure people bring you down. Block everything to do with her and focus on yourself and your kids. So happy to hear how you've moved on.

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:45

Moveoverdarlin · 02/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm. Just ignore it. Don’t start feeling smug, it could be anything. And it could bite you in the arse. They may have got engaged and she’s texting you to be a bitch. It could have been an emergency at the house and he was refusing to message you and she thought ‘fuck it, I’ll message her about the fuse box’ and then the problem got sorted.

I wouldn’t tell your ex that she messaged either. Say ‘thanks for house sitting, dog ok? See you soon bye’.

That would be wild as she still actually married at this point on paper. But yeah you are right it could be so many things.

I’ll block her WhatsApp.

Not planing on saying anything to my ex.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 02/09/2024 09:45

I remember your last post and am really glad to hear you're doing well. I thought you would have struggled to move on, you sounded broken. Be proud of yourself and don't let these two selfish, horrid and insecure people bring you down. Block everything to do with her and focus on yourself and your kids. So happy to hear how you've moved on.

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:48

Diarygirlqueen · 02/09/2024 09:45

I remember your last post and am really glad to hear you're doing well. I thought you would have struggled to move on, you sounded broken. Be proud of yourself and don't let these two selfish, horrid and insecure people bring you down. Block everything to do with her and focus on yourself and your kids. So happy to hear how you've moved on.

Thank you.

yeah I think the jet lag and the timing has made this a bigger deal then it is.

Think people are right too I need to have better arrangements in the future when I go away.

OP posts:
MissEsmeWatson · 02/09/2024 10:30

Sounds like it's gone pear shaped. Relax and enjoy the schadenfreude.

SheilaFentiman · 02/09/2024 10:40

Orrrr… she meant to text her friend called Jane Johnson when you are called Jane Jones, typed something out without concentrating and then realised.

You aren’t going to know, so just leave it in peace.

Westfacing · 02/09/2024 10:41

I'm glad you're going to ignore her - you can't second-guess what her motive was or if it was sent in error so it's right that you just leave it.

As for your husband house-sitting... I understand about the strangers, the dog etc but are you sure he's not just keeping a foot in each camp, in case the rich lady turns out to be a nightmare.

The two cases I know where the guy went off with an older rich woman neither ended well and both guys are now miserable sods years down the line, as both wives moved on and didn't take them back!

Edingril · 02/09/2024 10:46

No idea how bit it could have been a genuine mistake that she may not have reason to know happened

The may not have thought of you for a second yet you are obsessing over her

Does it honestly make you feel better not moving on and wallowing in it? Sure if it works for you go for it sounds insane to me

Eldrick47s · 02/09/2024 10:51

MissEsmeWatson · 02/09/2024 10:30

Sounds like it's gone pear shaped. Relax and enjoy the schadenfreude.

Thinking similar.

Any OW has to be insecure as deep down they know they are with a cheater. She will never be fully settled with him.

Agree with others though OP don't give her any headspace.

Improbablywrong · 02/09/2024 10:54

Petty from me but I’d send one back, then delete it immediately after

then when she messages, read it, spend ages typing so she’s on tenter hooks the entire time, and never send anything ☠️